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His older daughter did act out at school a couple of months ago but it was an isolated incident. Both girls have sometimes been rude or cold to him when he comes to visit, but they warm up very quickly. He suspects that his x2b is telling them that the situation is "all daddy's fault" and she has been pretty cruel to him regarding the children.
I have no doubt she'll say all sorts of nasty things about me to them. My BF isn't so sure, since they both know that the other is "looking", though he doesn't think she's in a relationship.
we've been kicking around the idea of seeking professional advice on this, but I'm not really sure where to start.
The x tried to blame the divorce on their father as well, and that is why the kids were verbally cruel to both him and me; and it ended up a very traumatic situation. The kids were nice when they wanted something...usually money.
Professional counseling only works if the kids are willing....my stepkids were not since they believed the entire problem was because of me and their father.
Just be prepared that you may have trouble (but hopefully not), don't fantasize about having a "brady bunch" scenario, be realistic and be patient. I hope for your sake it works out.
Remember too that you being presented to them so soon after a divorce may only validate to them that you came between their parents. Many children keep hoping their parents will get back together, and with you in the picture it will never happen.
The x tried to blame the divorce on their father as well, and that is why the kids were verbally cruel to both him and me; and it ended up a very traumatic situation. The kids were nice when they wanted something...usually money.
Professional counseling only works if the kids are willing....my stepkids were not since they believed the entire problem was because of me and their father.
The professional advice would be for my BF and me; nobody's thinking of family counseling yet. Right now they don't appear to need it; there has been some acting out but nothing that my BF and his x2b have not been able to handle themselves. My BF's parents divorced when he was 6 and his mother remarried, so he's been through what his kids are about to go through. His mother also has lots of advice and I'm listening to everything she has to say.
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Just be prepared that you may have trouble (but hopefully not), don't fantasize about having a "brady bunch" scenario, be realistic and be patient. I hope for your sake it works out.
You're right about that. A "Brady Bunch" scenario is the furthest thing from my mind; that show was unrealistic even 40 years ago. Basically I'm not their mother, I never will be, and I don't want to replace her. They already have a mom, they don't need two moms.
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Remember too that you being presented to them so soon after a divorce may only validate to them that you came between their parents. Many children keep hoping their parents will get back together, and with you in the picture it will never happen.
That's a good point. Hopefully they will understand why their parents' marriage broke up because they witnessed many fights between my BF and his x2b, and according to my BF and recordings I've heard (all he has to do is hit a button on his PDA, he recorded most phone calls and many fights in case he needed them in court), they almost always took his side. They could see that their mother was the one starting the fights and that their father did not yell back, call names, etc. Then again, you never know what's going on in a child's mind; sometimes they see things in unpredictable ways, so I'm prepared for them to blame me for what happened. Hopefully that won't happen; they are only 4 and 6 and their minds don't work the same way ours do. Fingers crossed....
It may be hard at times to protect your house from feeling the stress of the x2b and your bf's never ending conflicts. Their problems with communication will probably continue. And with kids, in some way or another they are stuck with each other on some level. The good thing is, you guys are in control of what happens in your house. And you make your home into what you guys feel is right and for the best interest of the kids. I am in your situation but 2 years ahead of you. I would advise you and your bf to discuss and work thru the issues together as a team, instead of letting the stress from the X issues to come between you. With an angry ex it can be a challenge to remember you are upset with a situation and not each other. Remember you are a team. Protect, love and help each other.
As for the kids, 6 and 8. I had lots of questions regarding my role early on. Sometimes the little one would call me "the Mom", or other times "you are not the Mom". I would always say, nope I'm not the Mom. Mom's and Dad's are very special people. I am your friend. I stick to this line always. If they are hinting to know if I love them I tell them I love them, but I don't cram it down their throats every second I get. I just go with the flow. I they are loving I am, if they are feeling like they need privacy I give them privacy (rarely happens). Very early on I would also busy myself in other rooms to make sure they had their own space. Funny thing was, where ever I go, they follow. So I guess they didn't need space away from me. I keep a relaxed, gentle tone. We decided he would discipline, but we are a united front and have house meetings where we stand together to talk about any new rules or reminders of old rules. If they do something that breaks a house rule, they know I will have to get their Dad. Usually tho, I can talk them out of their behavior by having a simple and thoughtful chat about why I'd like them to stop. I put great effort to keep our house calm, caring, supportive, loving, open and a place where everyone is allowed to feel whatever they need to feel. Free feelings I call it. I want these little kids to know as teens, that no matter what they do, they have unconditional love and support here. I want them to be the type of kids who would know it was ok to call for a ride home if they found themselves in place where other kids were drinking. I want them to grow up knowing what healthy love and communication is all about. The ex is volatile with a short temper and quick to yell. She can also be insulting and not extremely affectionate. Of course, my point of view is one sided so I'd like to hope there is good there that I just don't see. In our home, being angry is ok, but it's what we do with it that counts. Recently I have started explaining that you will feel better in 5 minutes so take 5 minutes to relax before you react to being mad. Being honest and open seems to be working. Even tho I know the X tells them not to like me, not to do this or that with me.. I never ever say anything but upbeat positive things when Mom comes up in conversation. I want them to be happy and have great relationships with their parents, and any extra adults that are lucky enough to love them. Sometimes it can feel like you are just a babysitter. Because you dishes, cook dinners, make lunches, do tuck in's, put on band-aid's, but the Mom and Dad get all the glory. It's tough to be left out of important events when you love these little people. But I just tell myself it's better the kids get to have their soccer games free of stress rather than me showing up with Dad and the X blowing a fuse. It is sad tho when they ask if you will come to a game and you know the Mom would not allow it. It's also tough when you know she says things about you to them which leave them feelings confused and shamed that they love you in spite of her words. I can deal with her words fine myself, it's just very tricky when you see them struggling. So I pull out my battle plan, "kill em with kindness". I can't change her, but I can do my very best to help the little guys cope with any stresses that come their way. Actually if you guys have advice on this that would be good.
I realize this thread I'm replying to is old, but the subject is non the less still valid.
Last edited by ThreeHundred; 04-29-2010 at 01:47 PM..
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Basically I'm not their mother, I never will be, and I don't want to replace her. They already have a mom, they don't need two moms.
