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My BF and his x2b are going to try to finalize their divorce today (YAY) and after the appeals period has passed (30 days), my BF wants me to meet his children, both girls, ages 4 and 6.
I'm eager to meet them but also terrified that they won't like me. Does anyone have any tips on how the first meeting should go and how to minimize any discomfort or awkwardness for the children? They're the primary concern here; I do not want to do anything that would traumatize them. If there's any books on the subject that might be helpful I'd be willing to read them too.
Thanks in advance.
ETA: Just to clarify, I'm not the "other woman"; the marriage did not break up because of me. They were separated and he had moved out and they'd planned to divorce before we even met. His x2b and kids don't know about me yet. I know some people here have strong feelings about dating married people but you can't control who you fall in love with.
The best way, from my experience, is just to be yourself, natural and not try to make them like you. And from what I've read here, you'll do just fine. Relax, and enjoy!
That's how old I was when we met my step-mother Just be yourself, and try to have fun with the girls. Follow their lead. If the divorce has gone well, and everything is pretty much amicable between their parents, it will probably be ok. I'm excited for you-don't know why, but I am. My step-mother was so nervous when she met us. She just wanted us to like her too. Makes me smile just remembering it. Good luck!!
Oh-and don't try to buy them off. LOL. Kids see right through that crap so keep any gifts to a minimum.
Thanks for the tips guys, I really appreciate it. My BF and I want to get married so it's more than likely that I'll end up being these girls' stepmother, and I want to be a good one. I don't want them sitting on a therapist's couch in their 20s saying "My childhood was great until my father married THAT WOMAN..."
Always be kind and gracious regarding their mother. No matter what she says or does. She will always remain their mother and that fact never changes no matter where they live or with whom or how long.
Remember if times get tough that when they grow up you want them to remember the kind words and not a bitchy woman who hated their mother for whatever. And beware the idea that bad mouthing her outside their presence cannot somehow back to them. You must be above all that goes on between their father and mother. Stay out of arguments. Remind your future spouse that they must be there for the girls and the girls are the most important thing.
Listening is the most important skill you can develop. There will be subtle things they say that you wont pick up on (due to lack of history) unless you are a great listener. Plus everyone usually likes a good listener.
Pray hard that your future spouse and the mother of the kids can be adults and do not revert to any childish behavior. Remember to that you married a man with kids and the kids will be or should come first. You are going into this with eyes open and fully aware. So no complaining a year later that the kids take up time or money.
you sound very caring! i wouldnt worry about anything though since they are 4 and 6. at that age, just be fun/goofy and they will automtically like you.
Thanks for the tips guys, I really appreciate it. My BF and I want to get married so it's more than likely that I'll end up being these girls' stepmother, and I want to be a good one. I don't want them sitting on a therapist's couch in their 20s saying "My childhood was great until my father married THAT WOMAN..."
LOL-they'll think it at some point don't worry about that. You can't get your proper step-mom badge UNLESS your stepkids say or think that at least once. LOL. Since it is serious with you and their dad, I'll give some more advice too. Stuff my step-mom did (I didn't realize she was doing it until I was older, but when I figured it out I realized she was a pretty smart cookie) to make it easy to love her. She would always clean on the mornings my dad picked us up for his visitation. We thought we just weren't allowed at the house when she was cleaning, but she did it so my father would have to take us on his own and do something with us-just him and his girls. She always had our favorite foods in the house when we came over. And she never reacted negatively when we talked about our mom in front of her. Don't take anything they may say too personally-they'll test you. They just want to be assured they're not going to lose their dad. I'm sure you'll do fine. If you're already looking for advice then you already care about them and that's more than some do. You don't need to worry about all that stuff when you first meet them, but if you're planning on being their step-mom one day, then I just wanted to give you heads up. Please let us know how it went when it happens.
My BF and I have already discussed how to handle the issue of the biological mom; basically I won't talk about her at all in front of them and my family is not to mention her at all either, though I don't think my family will ever encounter her anyway.
I won't sugarcoat things...the divorce between my BF and his x2b is not amicable at this moment. They were able to reach a settlement, but the x2b made out much better than she should have because my BF wanted to avoid going to court due to the cost. She's getting spousal support but wouldn't have if they'd gone to court, for example. She thinks she's getting screwed...I KNOW he's getting screwed.
There's a lot of bitterness and bad blood on both sides, but everything I've heard/seen indicates she's a pretty intolerable person. The only people she seems to care about are the girls. She's a horrible wife and is incredibly ugly to family and complete strangers, but even my BF's family...who do NOT like the wife...say that she is a good, attentive, and loving mother. My BF stayed with her over the last few years only because of the children; he thought it was best to have an intact family but things were so bad between the two of them that he finally realized that he didn't want his daughters growing up with two parents in an incredibly dysfunctional and emotionally abusive marriage.
Basically if the x2b calls, I'll hand the phone to my BF or tell her he'll be back later and take a message. If she ever starts yelling at me, I'll say "Talk to you later" and hang up the phone, or walk away. The two of them will make all the decisions about the girls; I'm just the stepmom. The two of them should sit down and decide what my role is going to be regarding discipline, etc.
Basically I just want to be as prepared as humanly possible for this major life change.
Good for you!!!! Sounds like you're headed down a good path. I hope the x2b will be supportive of the girls having a good relationship with you. That makes a big difference. My mom and step-mom where hardly friends, but they dealt with each other for our sakes. And my mom was big on stressing that our step-mother may not be our mother, but when we were in my father's house we were to obey and respect our step-mother as if she were our mother and if we didn't we would have to deal with mom when we got home. And my dad did the same with my step-father. At least everybody's got the kids best interests in mind. Sometimes that's more than half the battle.
Good for you!!!! Sounds like you're headed down a good path. I hope the x2b will be supportive of the girls having a good relationship with you. That makes a big difference. My mom and step-mom where hardly friends, but they dealt with each other for our sakes. And my mom was big on stressing that our step-mother may not be our mother, but when we were in my father's house we were to obey and respect our step-mother as if she were our mother and if we didn't we would have to deal with mom when we got home. And my dad did the same with my step-father. At least everybody's got the kids best interests in mind. Sometimes that's more than half the battle.
My BF and I have their best interests in mind; I'm not sure how the x2b is going to react when she finds out about me and she may not be as willing as we are to make this easier on the girls, mainly because she's so angry and bitter about the divorce because she has to go back to work and won't be able anymore to spend every cent he makes.
I hope she is mature and rational about this and doesn't rag on me behind my back to the girls but I'm not counting on it. My BF has made it clear that they will have to mind me but if their dad's telling them one thing and their mom's telling them another, it could get tricky. That'll be for the two of them to hash out, though.
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Just be yourself, and try to have fun with the girls. Follow their lead. If the divorce has gone well, and everything is pretty much amicable between their parents, it will probably be ok. I'm excited for you-don't know why, but I am. My step-mother was so nervous when she met us. She just wanted us to like her too. Makes me smile just remembering it. Good luck!!
