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This isn't something you call people announce any more than you'd call people to inform them she lost her virginity. You'll come to terms with it before you go back to visit and see your friends. Take her to your picnics and cookouts like you always did. There's no need to give people advance warning. If you truly accept it, the conversation doesn't even need to happen with other people because she's still your daughter, the same person she always was. If anyone comments or asks, just say, "Yeah, so?"
Still sorting through it. Love her, she's 22. Basically raised her since kindergarten. But I have not told anyone about her status and it isn't because it's a private issue, It's because I'm actually embarrassed to tell my friends. Always very feminine and traditionally very pretty and "passed" as straight through high school, and till the last year or so when she went full-on butch.
The thing that I'm most embarrassed about is not her, it's me and my embarrassment over it. Her mother and I are on the other side of the country from her (because of work) and it is easy to handle now.
I always talked a good game, supported gay rights for years, etc. But I think my worst nightmare would be to have her walk in and see all my friends after years and then I'd be .......uncomfortable, I guess.
Very confusing time for me. Always suspected it, not a shock. But I'm not announcing it either. She also has no idea I feel these things. My wife is much much better at this than me and i think she'd handle it as business as usual. I'd be sweating thru it.
I love her and want her to be happy. We talk a bit and we are fine as the relationship between all parties is. I'm just a bit ashamed over my "hiding" of this, and certainly me consciously planning to meet her "alone for dinner" as a visit instead of going to my friends parties and cookouts with her, or meeting the crowd at the local watering hole........ anyone else gone through this?
It isn't about my friends I know "if they were REALLY your friends.....etc etc" (they'd probably be cool with it actually). My parents are both passed away but after an hour or two with her, they'd have been fine with it (but might have felt the same apprehension regarding public acknolwedgement).
It really is "what will the neighbors say?" That's what shocks me about my thoughts about all this. That and she's an adult and I'm handling this like she's thirteen and got a nose ring and we're due at Grandma's for Thanksgiving dinner with the relatives in an hour.
Well, recognizing you have a problem is a good start toward overcoming the problem
I applaud your honesty here, but now it's time to take yourself to the next level.
If you can't do this on your own seek a counselor you can hash this out with, not just for your sake but for your whole family.
OP here.
Thanks all. I keep thinking about Cher being embarassed and angry when her child Chastity told her she was gay. I kept thinking "if the world's biggest gay icon can't deal with her kid being gay, then what chance do I have?"
You have to mourn the idealized dream you had for her life. All parents have them to some degree. You have to get over the idea that you had for her of being heterosexual, marry a man and have the stereotypical life.
This is her life, not yours. Fake it if you have to. You will get over this.
She can still find love and have children. She can even get married.
Don't announce it to your friends. Would you announce it if she was straight? If it comes up in conversation naturally, then that's fine. Really it's nobody else's business.
OP here.
Thanks all. I keep thinking about Cher being embarassed and angry when her child Chastity told her she was gay. I kept thinking "if the world's biggest gay icon can't deal with her kid being gay, then what chance do I have?"
you can just suck it up like cher did and move on. being gay doesn't change who your step daughter is. she is still the same girl you have loved for a lifetime. shake it off and move forward. to do otherwise only keeps you mired in hate.
You have to mourn the idealized dream you had for her life. All parents have them to some degree. You have to get over the idea that you had for her of being heterosexual, marry a man and have the stereotypical life.
From what I've observed from two acquaintances I wouldn't necessarily say this.
In one case when I was in high school, this girl went full-out butch at about age 18.
The other case was at work, someone under me did the same thing at about age 20.
In both cases, they had the stereotypical "look" for 1995 and 2005 fashion, respectively.
Quote:
Originally Posted by txrenter10
I opened this thread, as a lesbian, expecting to feel my blood boil...
Yeah... Both young ladies let this happen on a regular basis, and I got to witness a few lesbo fights at school and in parking lots both of these girls were involved in.
Anyway, fast forward 10 years later and both of them are feminine again, married to men, and have children.
So to the OP, I don't think you should completely give up hope.
OP, kudos to you for being honest. As others have said fake it until you figure it out. There are plenty of support groups out there, the biggest one being PFLAG, where you can talk to other parents and stepparents and get some advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by tstone
From what I've observed from two acquaintances I wouldn't necessarily say this.
In one case when I was in high school, this girl went full-out butch at about age 18.
The other case was at work, someone under me did the same thing at about age 20.
In both cases, they had the stereotypical "look" for 1995 and 2005 fashion, respectively.
Yeah... Both young ladies let this happen on a regular basis, and I got to witness a few lesbo fights at school and in parking lots both of these girls were involved in.
Anyway, fast forward 10 years later and both of them are feminine again, married to men, and have children.
So to the OP, I don't think you should completely give up hope.
Well, I say bless you for being honest about your discomfort. I think that most people love their kids, but something like this can come as a shock, no matter how liberal you may be. My best friend's brother is gay and pushing 40 now. He "came out" to his parents around 15 years ago. It is extremely sad to me to hear that his parents have still, to this day, told none of their friends that he is gay. They are going with the whole "confirmed bachelor" facade (despite him having lived with a partner for pushing 10 years now). Yes, we live in the South, and yes, they are conservative and religious, but it just pains me to hear of their shame. He is a delightful human being with a lovely partner. The fact that his parents feel that they have to keep this "secret" is just completely incomprehensible to me. I hope that you and she and spend some time together and talk through this. Don't let it affect the remaining years of your relationship with her.
That's really sad. I didn't see the major problem until you said he had been with his partner for 10 years. That is clearly not a bachelor.
OP, good for you for recognizing that the problem is your embarrassment rather than her orientation. It isn't something you are expected to tell your friends. If she decides to marry a woman, you would probably want to tell your friends she is getting married. If they ask who the man is, then inform them that her wife is "insert name here". If you have met her and consider her to be a great person, then tell them that as well.
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being gay doesn't change who your step daughter is. she is still the same girl you have loved for a lifetime. shake it off and move forward. to do otherwise only keeps you mired in hate.
This is just plain offensive.
