I see my child as a money drain only now (teaching, children)

[RedZin]

Originally Posted by =^..^=

But the parent can say "NO" to a demanding youngster. One who demands money for $80 designer jeans and $90 sneakers or a new iPod because it's the latest and greatest. There is nothing positive about handing over the cash every time a teenager wants something. As a greatgrandmother I haven't seen this kind of spoiling (as we called it) make teenagers better adults down the road, or make them love their parents more. And all generations including mine had these teens and parents who spoiled them.

Don't kill the messenger: I remember reading somewhere that children were an asset when this was a agrarian society. They earned their keep and were not just loved but NEEDED on the farms. They were also NEEDED as old age security. They didn't feel their parents owed them everything their hearts desired. They added financially to the household income. When parents grew old and feeble, they were cared for. But today's urban children, still loved, are no longer NEEDED and have become a liability. Instead of adding to the family welfare and financial security, they take away from it with endless demands for one thing or another. They expect parents to buy them what they want but it doesn't make them love or respect the parents more. And we now have SS for our old age so most grown children feel little responsibility toward aged parents. It doesn't matter how much we spent on them as teenagers. How much they drained us financially. They put us in Nursing Homes and go about their lives. (Not the exact words but as close as I remember them).

Which is why parents who allow themselves to be treated like ATMs when their kids are teenagers (and early college students for that matter) are resentful later. You're not guaranteeing that your child will take care of you in your old age, so why bank on it?

Either give the kid money because you enjoy it and expect nothing in return or DON'T give the kid money every time the kid asks (my preferred method, btw), but either way... don't expect anything in return.

I prefer having mine work for what they get the majority of the time. When you do just up and decide to buy them something they've been wanting, they're super excited about it.

My daughter (she's 13) just got a MacBook Air on Sunday. We realized she needed a computer of her own (she'd been borrowing everyone else's) and I sat her down and asked what sort she thought she needed (she's got an iPad Mini for internet stuff and reading books and so forth). She preferred the laptop to the desktop mac mini (which was very affordable for us), so I asked her if she would be willing to give up her iPad (it was handed down from me when I got a new one) for the MacBook Air.

She wanted to keep her iPad, so I told her that we could get 140 dollars for it at Best Buy and if she would contribute 140 dollars from her savings, we would trade in some extra iPhones we had around the house and I'd use a couple of coupon deals I had and then we'd just pay the difference (which was about 350 dollars).

She was very happy. Funny thing is, we got there and we were going to buy her the 11 inch model and she saw the 13 and thought it would be better. I asked her if she was willing to pay the 100 more dollars it cost to buy the 13 inch and she said she was.

So, that's what she got.



My point being, you don't withdraw from them. Keep talking to them. Negotiate. Let them see you as a human being and not as an ATM or some sort of mindless oppressor.

You'll be happier with them, trust me.

p.s. My daughter just walked into my home office and offered me some of her banana pudding. Hehehe.

[=^..^=]

Originally Posted by RedZin

.....My point being, you don't withdraw from them. Keep talking to them. Negotiate. Let them see you as a human being and not as an ATM or some sort of mindless oppressor.

You'll be happier with them, trust me.....

I'm glad ours on both sides are grown, and all of them - out on their own.

[mysticaltyger]

Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould

One thing that helped is that our family volunteered at the annual holiday meal for the less fortunate starting when they were little. We also volunteered at several other event from time to time. It helped them realize a little how fortunate they were.

That reminds me of this show. These two British teen brats were sent to some strict parents in Argentina. The kids acted up, wouldn't follow the (very basic, sensible) rules, and were sent to the slums of Buenos Aires on a service project. It REALLY woke them up (although for how long, we don't know). It was really worth watching.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-A1mEgb6N8

[mysticaltyger]

You shouldn't have to justify to your kids what you can and can't afford. And "affordable" is a very vague term. Everyone has a different definition of what's affordable. How many 15 year olds even get the concept of saving for a rainy day, saving for retirement, etc? Heck, most adults don't even get these concepts.

[utsci]

Biologically, we are engineered to push away from our families when the body tells us we are approaching physical adulthood. Hormones rage which pre-empts opposite sex interest/relationships, emotions get high causing us to question adults (susually the ones we know best, our parents), and it eventually causes the fledging from the nest. Just try ask yourself, do you want them around forever?

Our child was not "given" a lot. We expected her to bank her paychecks from teh very beginning when she started petsitting in the neighborhood at 12 years old. We helped her open a savings account and explained the finances to her. When seh was old enough to drive we provided a cheap, old, used car that we held the keys to. We paid the insurance and maintenance, she had to ask to use it and put gas in it. When she no longer wanted to have us go with her for clothes shopping we gave her a modest budget in cash (equal to what we would normally spend for the expected seasonal needs) and she had to make it work. If she wanted those brand jeans or cool boots she had to babysit a few more weekends. But I really tried to avoid the part-time employment with her. She didn't really have a job until summers after 16 and then when she was in college she worked in a lab in her department. Once they get a job, they have more money to spend and we noticed lots of her peers getting involved in riskier behavior...driving out to the canyons to drink (with jobs they could afford the gas and beer), hanging out at the mall (they had the money to spend), spending more time socializing than paying attention to school work. some of these kids got into car payments which then made college tuition unaffordable; some of those kids are still flipping burgers and boast about being the "shift manager" now! Wow! at 23?

My daughter has been far from the perfect child. She went through the defiance phase, the "parents are dumber than dirt" phase, thnking she had the world on a string at 18. Now she is 23 and finishing her masters out of state, living on her own. I suspect there will be a transition phase before she settles into a job. This might require living back with us while she replenishes her savings account so she can start her adult adventure with some backup in the bank. I have no problem with that now. She has learned the value of a buck, uses city bus to commute to save wear and tear on the first car she bought, turns the thermostat down to save on the utilities, and cooks for herself. Deos she still make me itch sometimes? Sure! I don't like some of the guys she dates. I think she spends too much money when she does go out with friends. She buys things once in a while that I think ar too expensive or she could do without. But knowing that I had those same issues with my parents, I figure she will live to tell about it too!

The bottom line...continue to love them and guide them. Det them up for success when you can. They'll make mistakes, just like you did. But let them build their own lives apart from you.

[BeatAngMoh]

Originally Posted by ashpelham

I hate to be the debbie downer of the day, but my teenage daughter, whom we love so much, simply doesn't bring me the joy I used to have from her.

I guess it's the attitude we get from this child, but all i see her as anymore is a money drain. The only time she speaks to us is when she needs something. Won't even sit in the room with us.

I told my wife this morning that i just don't see her as anything but a financial liability now.

My attitude sucks too, it seems.

Then you should consider giving your own parents a refund if still possible.

[BusyMeAK]

Everything passes, including being teenager. Hold on, be good to her, show her love that is hidden behind your hurt, and in 2-4 years you'll have her back. Hurt her now, and she might leave and never return.

[texan2yankee]

I remember how heartbroken I was when my son told me he hated me at 15....until I got a little perspective by my mom reminding me that I, too, said the same thing to her numerous times during my teen years. Teenagers are an emotionally draining, expensive, pain in the butt. Anyone who says differently isn't being honest.

Teens do grow up and become humans again, thank god. Hang in there, Dad. You aren't experiencing any feelings the rest of us haven't!

[vision33r]

Start adopting a family first mentality, many Americans are too focused on their careers and use money as a parenting tool.

[Charlie Biscuits]

Moderator Cut. You raised her, try and correct course now before its too late and she becomes a harsh burdon on some unfortunate guy who will have to feed and cloth her while she sits on her ass all day.

Make her get out and get a job. She might actually like the idea, its a feeling of independence to get out and make your own money and buy your own stuff and well, contribute to something.

Make her get a job now , it might not be too late for her. If you don't then you might end up with a 30 something stay at home daughter who daddy has to pay for.