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Old 11-02-2014, 04:22 PM
 
34 posts, read 53,209 times
Reputation: 21

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Quote:
Originally Posted by mermaid825 View Post
However, DO NOT MAKE A DECISION NOW. Wait until you meet the baby and hold him. Even if you don't want to meet him as a newborn, force yourself to do it at least once before making this decision. Take it from me, you may feel very, very different once you see the living breathing child that is part of you.
I doubt I'll be able to leave him once I see him.

 
Old 11-02-2014, 04:25 PM
 
Location: Katonah, NY
21,192 posts, read 25,104,895 times
Reputation: 22274
Quote:
Originally Posted by RMOS99 View Post
My relationship with her would never be the same. I don't expect her to understand my reasons because she loves children.
Your relationship with your mother will never be the same regardless of if you tell her or not. If you lie to her - your relationship will be different because you'll be lying to her for the rest of your life. If you think she won't understand your reasons for wanting to abandon your son - then maybe you need to rethink your reasons for abandoning your son.
 
Old 11-02-2014, 04:37 PM
 
Location: Georgia
4,578 posts, read 5,637,327 times
Reputation: 15968
Quote:
Originally Posted by RMOS99 View Post
Like I said, I value my personal freedom, I like to come and go as I please without commitment or family responsabilities. That doesn't along with having a child. I never had a good role model in my father so I could never be good to him (not talking about the abusive nature of my father of course).

I just think it's better to be honest now than to abandon him when he's old enough to remember it. It would be much worse then.

Life is what happens when you're making other plans, dude.

I find it interesting that you coincide loss of personal freedom with parenthood. As a parent, I may have found some aspects of parenthood inconvenient, but they were short-term inconveniences, not game-changers. You have the rest of your life in front of you to do as you wish.

As a woman, I personally find your atttude repugnant, and I could never, ever have a relationship with someone who could walk away and leave a child and his responsibilities behind because they cramped his style. There's something broken inside of you, that you could do this. I could play armchair psychologist all day long and mull over the effects of you and your father's relationship on this decision. But I ask you: Are you prepared for another young boy to have the same kind of miserable childhood you apparently had when it is in your power to prevent it? I suspect you aren't as comfortable with the decsion as you pretend to be, otherwise it would never have occurred to you to present it on a CD forum.

Nothing anyone on this forum can say will change your mind. You remind me of the people who take a dog to the pound, knowing that it probably won't last more than a couple of days before it's euthanized, but they tell themselves that surely someone will adopt it and thus asauge their guilt that way. Basically, they are too damn lazy to do the work to insure that their pet has a happy, loving home.

NOBODY knows how to be a good father, until they are faced with it. Everyone does it differently, and most people do it successfully. You had a rotter. It happens. If you are going to continue to allow your father's shortcomings to deprive you of the singular joys of a child who calls you "Dad" and thinks you hung the moon -- well, then, your dad won, didn't he?
 
Old 11-02-2014, 05:03 PM
 
Location: Round Rock, Texas
13,441 posts, read 15,394,839 times
Reputation: 18969
I find your attitude distasteful as well. Writing a check to assuage your own culpability in the matter only makes you less of a douchebag, not a total douchebag. How nice, you can buy your way out of being a father by merely offering to pay support. You've been around the block enough to know that sex is a gamble. If you don't want even a remote chance of becoming a father, then take extreme caution during your "fling".

To disappear out of your son's life so that you can continue on your merry way is unfair to the child. To abdicate your responsibility of raising the child and instead allow some other man to do it is disgusting. Children require more than financial support. They require emotional and other support as well. It's wrong of you to leave all of that up to the mother and some other man (who would have no connection to the child whatsoever). When your son gets older, it is highly likely that he will want to know who his real father is. Maybe your ex flame would do right and just say that it was a sperm donor.
 
Old 11-02-2014, 05:04 PM
 
22,327 posts, read 11,850,110 times
Reputation: 20148
The actions of both of you leave me feeling both sad and angry.

Most posters are going after the OP and telling him that he doesn't know what is involved in raising a child. Well...neither does the mother-to-be know.

Truth is first time parents don't know what it is like. Whatever they imagined before the baby's arrival, they are still in for a shock.

Our daughter was a wanted and a planned for baby. Yet, after she was born I had postpartum depression, which, thankfully, cleared up after 3 weeks. Once she was born, I couldn't imagine how tough it would be to raise her on my own. I'm guessing the the OP's girlfriend (for lack of a better term) will also be in for a shock.

It makes me both sad and angry when babies are brought into the world under circumstances like the OP's.

The mother is foolish if she thinks this will be easy and everything will be okay all the time. She should seriously consider adoption. There are many couples who desperately want to be parents who will be able to give this child a stable, loving home. Plus today, open adoptions are possible where the adoptive parents send yearly photos and updates about the child. I'm not saying that giving up a baby for adoption is an easy thing to do but, IMO, it's a very loving (although painful for the mother) thing to do because it shows that the mother wants the best for her child.

However, since it appears that she isn't even considering this option, it is my hope that the OP mans up and is involved in the child's life. I can just imagine if the OP refuses to be involved that one day his son will show up and ask why his father refused to get to know him.

As for the idea that she will one day find a man to marry her and raise this child---don't count on it. Many men and women aren't interested in having a relationship with someone who already has a child. Plus as another poster pointed out some women marry a guy that they think is a wonderful step father but it is later discovered that he is a perv who molested her children. Sure, there are step-parents out there who are real gems that step up to the plate and do a fantastic job but not all are like that.
 
Old 11-02-2014, 05:05 PM
 
13,978 posts, read 25,871,964 times
Reputation: 39877
Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga View Post
Life is what happens when you're making other plans, dude.

I find it interesting that you coincide loss of personal freedom with parenthood. As a parent, I may have found some aspects of parenthood inconvenient, but they were short-term inconveniences, not game-changers. You have the rest of your life in front of you to do as you wish.

As a woman, I personally find your atttude repugnant, and I could never, ever have a relationship with someone who could walk away and leave a child and his responsibilities behind because they cramped his style. There's something broken inside of you, that you could do this. I could play armchair psychologist all day long and mull over the effects of you and your father's relationship on this decision. But I ask you: Are you prepared for another young boy to have the same kind of miserable childhood you apparently had when it is in your power to prevent it? I suspect you aren't as comfortable with the decsion as you pretend to be, otherwise it would never have occurred to you to present it on a CD forum.

Nothing anyone on this forum can say will change your mind. You remind me of the people who take a dog to the pound, knowing that it probably won't last more than a couple of days before it's euthanized, but they tell themselves that surely someone will adopt it and thus asauge their guilt that way. Basically, they are too damn lazy to do the work to insure that their pet has a happy, loving home.

NOBODY knows how to be a good father, until they are faced with it. Everyone does it differently, and most people do it successfully. You had a rotter. It happens. If you are going to continue to allow your father's shortcomings to deprive you of the singular joys of a child who calls you "Dad" and thinks you hung the moon -- well, then, your dad won, didn't he?
Terrific post!
 
Old 11-02-2014, 05:31 PM
 
Location: I am right here.
4,977 posts, read 5,738,866 times
Reputation: 15841
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
I can't move this to parenting because it is the exact opposite.

Pay and leave. You are selfish (like you said, you don't want to be tied down), and should have a vasectomy so this does not happen again.

I can't see how you could provide anything of value as a parent.
^^^this. OP, get a vasectomy immediately.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RMOS99 View Post
I'm all for sex before marriage and plenty of variety but then I would never be married. I used protection, it just failed.

I'm 34 and don't consider myself immature.
Age has nothing to do with immaturity. Deciding you don't want children, but refusing to get a vasectomy is immature. Abandoning your child is immature.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RMOS99 View Post
Yes, I'm sure that's hard but I offered to pay for the abortion and in the end she didn't do it. I'm not using it against her but she also made a choice.
Asking her to kill her child is unfathomable.
 
Old 11-02-2014, 05:33 PM
 
Location: I am right here.
4,977 posts, read 5,738,866 times
Reputation: 15841
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdroplet76 View Post
And you made the choice to have sex with her in the first place. Surely you understand how babies are made?
Maybe, maybe not. Some people don't know the difference between a vagina, a vulva, and a urethra, so they may not be aware of how reproduction actually works.
 
Old 11-02-2014, 05:41 PM
 
3,424 posts, read 3,324,093 times
Reputation: 6161
I remember being 26 years old and I got my then-gf pregnant. It was unexpected and unplanned. Our daughter was born and let me tell you, being a dad gave me a feeling of beyond happiness and exuberance. I could have split, but I knew then that if I did, I'd NEVER be able to live with or forgive myself. My staying and raising our daughter - now a grown woman - was the best thing I ever did, 'cause she was the best thing ever happened to me! Give it a chance, dude!
 
Old 11-02-2014, 05:45 PM
 
Location: North Las Vegas
247 posts, read 252,640 times
Reputation: 551
I hope the op is trolling,he's taking these questions too easy and just made an account hmmmmmmmm
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