Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ok, so I'm 27 and my daughter Lindsay just turned 6. Yes, your math is correct, I became a father at 21 years old. I started dating Lindsay's mom at 15 all the way up until Lindsay was born. 6 months after she was born her mom left us because she was still wanting to party 4 nights a week and forget she had a kid to raise. We fought daily until one day I just said she should leave, she did and I haven't heard from her since. I have no idea how, when the day comes, I'll answer Lindsay's questions about her mom. Luckily, thanks to a great group of friends willing to help out anyway they could( ie babysitting Lindsay if need be) I was able to graduate college.
I'm just struggling right now because I'm inconstant. Her bedtime is supposed to be 8:45( is that too late?) but she knows if she bats her eyelashes and/or gives me attitude she can push it to 9. Most nights she still sleeps in bed with me. I've tried to get her to sleep in her bed more but it's a battle.. I'm also struggling because I'm still, even after all these years, mad her mom left me alone to raise a kid alone so my " fuse" can be short so if I have a bad day at work that just shortens it more and I might yell at Lindsay if I find her to be irritating me if I'm in a bad mood, even though she's done nothing wrong. I end up apologizing over and over. I just constantly feel like I'm tiptoeing on land mines and one wrong move will scar her forever. Help me
you certainly do need help and there are plenty of good resources out there. Books, classes, counseling, etc. The first thing you need to do is get that kid out of your bed. Someone could make a big deal out of that-frankly I think it is and you could even face some sort of charges.
You need to grow a backbone but it might even already be too late. I take that back. Even at this late stage you need to grow up, be the PARENT and not the friend and let the child know you mean business. Unless you determine to be a PARENT and become immune to her eyelash batting you will end up with a spoiled entitled teenager who is not developed enough to say no to boys and other situations she is not ready for.
you certainly do need help and there are plenty of good resources out there. Books, classes, counseling, etc. The first thing you need to do is get that kid out of your bed. Someone could make a big deal out of that-frankly I think it is and you could even face some sort of charges.
You need to grow a backbone but it might even already be too late. I take that back. Even at this late stage you need to grow up, be the PARENT and not the friend and let the child know you mean business. Unless you determine to be a PARENT and become immune to her eyelash batting you will end up with a spoiled entitled teenager who is not developed enough to say no to boys and other situations she is not ready for.
Great points and suggestions.
Think ahead about the bolded part----I have seen girls who have manipulated their dads for years, start to manipulate and take advantage of teen boys and men (sometimes they end up as 30, 40, 50 year old "little girls" who still expect to bat their eye lashes and get whatever they want to get). It is better for girls to learn how to follow directions and learn appropriate behavior as preschoolers and young children and eventually grow into mature women.
You also asked about her bedtime, if it is too late. What time does she need to get up in the morning? At age 6 she should be getting 10-12 hours of sleep. An hour less is fine if she is close to age 7. The American Pediatrics Association and other groups have recommendations available online.
I'm wondering if the pushing the bedtime behavior is related to how much "quality" time the two of you spend together? Obviously you spend a lot of time with her, but what are you doing during that time? Is it the routine things like preparing meals, homework, etc? Spend a little time each day not doing all of the things that need to be done, but just talking about her day, etc. Quiet time with a parent is important.
You should be proud that you did not abandon this little girl, but you need some help. Are there any consistent females in her life? You might look for a chapter of "Big Brothers, Big Sisters" in you area. Lindsay can be matched up with a female that can spend time with her.
I do wonder if some of her behavior is because she is old enough to understand that many children have a mother and she does not.
First what I see is a loving father who is doing the very best he can in an unusual situation. And, hell, she is 6 and you have built a life for yourselves. Thats pretty great!
The issues you are having can be corrected...and I get where you are coming from. I wonder if, in some aspects, you parent from a sense of guilt? it's common, very common! Its just not helpful for the child.
A good book is You're Not the Boss of Me: Brat-proofing Your Four- to Twelve-Year-Old Child. It really lays out the basics well.
Bed time, I would say 7:30-8 at the latest, depending on when she wakes up. Do you have a bed time ritual? Super important!
Co-sleeping...people are going to raise a fuss here. It isn't the end of the world, but, IMO, she is too old to be doing it nightly because she needs to learn how to get herself to sleep on her own, in her own bed. Its an important skill.
I agree that you're going to get flak about the sleeping arrangements, but also don't think it's that big a deal. I wouldn't go mentioning it to people around you though, someone will see something wrong with it and might call social services. IMO though, we tend to forget just how young six is - and she's been going through a lot. Kids need to snuggle and feel safe at this age. Both my oldest kids had nightmares between ages 7 - 8, and they would always want to sleep with me. One solution to that situation may be to put a sleeping spot next/near your bed and have her sleep there instead. I'd start her off in her own bed, then if she comes over during the night, redirect her to the pallet/mattress/sleeping bag/whatever near your bed. That has worked pretty well for me.
You could also try letting her sleep in something unusual. Our oldest slept in a pop up tent for a while. It was an adventure - she really enjoyed it! If I could, I'd sleep in a hammock . If possible, make her room a place she wants to sleep/be.
As for bedtime and such, I agree with what others have said so far, 10 - 12 hours a sleep, bed time between 7 - 8 pm. No tv or electronics an hour before bed. Do the bedtime routine, reading stories, singing songs, holding her hand for a bit, prayers - whatever you do. I still read to kids even after they can read for themselves - though our bedtime routine is different and not as involved. After they're reading, I usually pick books they're not ready to read themselves but are still interesting to their age group (Little House on the Prairie, 21 Balloons, Chronicles of Narnia, etc).
Definitely look into someone spending time with her and giving you a break. Be careful though, don't just leave her with anyone - there's some crazy ones out there.
Find ways to manage the frustration when it gets to be too much. She's old enough that you can go to your room and shut the door for a bit without worrying about her safety every second. It's okay to say you need a few minutes, or that you can discuss things with her later. The shower is my favorite daily getaway .
Most of the times the kids will leave me alone if I'm in the bathroom - it's okay to designate a room or a time period for yourself. If you have enough toys, maybe keep a bunch put away and rotate them when you need alone time. That way she's distracted while you get a break.
Try hard to eat right, sleep enough, and get some exercise. Exercise could be a together thing - my older kids love to go to Zumba with their dad.
If you're willing to go the church route, you might find one that has extra supports for single parents and kids' programs, parent seminars, etc. Not every church is like that, and that might not be your thing, but I just mention it as a possible resource. Some communities/schools offer extra services like these as well.
The fact that you love her and have taken on this responsibility says a great deal about your character. All the best to you .
sorry to hear the "***" that you have gone through so far, but on the bright side you have an angel who is by your side every day. I definitely seek for resources that could help you in the long run like others have stated. You probably already come to understand being a father at 21 is a great challenge for a man who was in his early adult life and has so much to learn. But please stop releasing your stress on your daughter and stay away from thinking your ex has left you. What's done already done and you are now 27, and throughout six (6) years of raising your daughter, you should be proud of yourself and continue to do so. A few things to keep in mind:
* You're still very young, you can still date and move on with life. I understand it is hard but a walk to a park with your little girl for example, can attract someone who could be in the same boat as you or the type of woman who has an open heart accepting your situation.
* Take your little girl out often, understand that you have work and very busy but time is on your side
* If your friends have kids, definitely hang out more often so that your mood can change and stress can be released somewhere else
* You holding grudge on your ex is nothing unusual, it is meant to happen but think FOR your daughter and let it eases down. The best thing you can do about your "ex" is to LET IT GO. For a woman to abandon her very own child is a senseless, heartless and unforgivable one but let God and karma be the judge.
* Don't treat your daughter as an adult yet please, she is LACK of care from a mother that every kid deserves and you're not going to treat her the way that she felt alone. The last thing you want is her being depressed and alone.
* You have so much responsibility now, your actions have a lot great impact on her life. Apologizing to her isn't going to make her feel better 'cause she's a kid.
Something I was thinking about is a term called "emotional incest". Now it sounds terrible, and I am not accusing you of anything. I have just seen it many times when a man is left to raise his daughter on his own. Its turning the child into a wife, partener, friend. It isn't done with malicious intent, its more of a reaction to "its just me and you kid" feelings.
Again, I am not accusing you, at all. But it is something to be aware of in your situation. I'll add some links for info.
First of all, you are doing an excellent job. Don’t let anyone (not even yourself) tell you otherwise. One thing for sure; make a conscious effort of not yelling at her when the mistake is not hers. No yelling at all. Set the example, else, you may end up with a screaming teenager (she would be learning from you). Be firm, its good in the long run. Also, try to identify the triggers. Like, when I am hungry, I am usually not myself. So, I eat something to calm down first.
She is 6 years old; like others said, soon people may start talking. It’s better if you buy a small bed and sleep in it, in the same room.
If you haven’t already done so, buy a crock-pot/ slow cooker. Make your meal times easy and one pot. It will free up some time to spend with your daughter.
Between full time job, home, daughter, cooking, cleaning you must be exhausted! I hope you can take her for a small vacation somewhere and you both get some well deserved rest.
Something I was thinking about is a term called "emotional incest". Now it sounds terrible, and I am not accusing you of anything. I have just seen it many times when a man is left to raise his daughter on his own. Its turning the child into a wife, partener, friend. It isn't done with malicious intent, its more of a reaction to "its just me and you kid" feelings.
Again, I am not accusing you, at all. But it is something to be aware of in your situation. I'll add some links for info.
I wasn't sure if this whole post was directed at me? I'm a woman and married .
I hear what you are saying. I think some people can go too far. AND everyone has a different idea of what is appropriate or not. This can be especially hard for single dads, imo.
However, on the other hand, there's been a fair amount of research on the importance of affection and touch as it pertains to the well being of children psychologically and physically. And nowadays, teachers/camp counselors/etc. are so careful about touching children. Who is allowed to touch our kids? Children need some affection. Adults and children need affection. I am not talking about anything inappropriate.
Because of a few bad apples in the world, we are now hypersensitive about people touching other people. Understandably so, but sometimes we end up shooting ourselves in the foot.
I was hoping to attach further links, but have run out of time. Here's one with an age appropriate guide.
Definitely, by six, a child should be sleeping apart from the parent(s) most of the time. Nightmare nights excepted. I don't think it's a big deal then. We put a mattress in the same room with us, and that has helped tremendously on nightmare nights. Also, I am not a "perfect" parent at three in the morning . Now a kid can come in and sleep on the other mattress without waking me. She feels better, and I sleep - it's a win-win.
I think since the OP has been allowing her to sleep in his bed, he should maybe start with the bed/pallet next to him first. If he immediately moves her completely out, it might seem like he's rejecting her. This is just my opinion.
Also, if she has input into what her bedroom looks like, she may be more vested in spending time there. If possible, let her pick what kind of bed she wants, or the curtains, or a bean bag, paint a black board wall, or something. Don't know what's feasible for the OP, but those are a few suggestions.
Last edited by CHAIN5; 11-19-2014 at 08:27 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
. If possible, make her room a place she wants to sleep/be. 
. 
.
. Now a kid can come in and sleep on the other mattress without waking me. She feels better, and I sleep - it's a win-win.
