Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's fascinating to me that people still choose to marry when they have different wants when it comes to having children or not. To me, this is the biggest consideration -- aside from your relationship itself -- when considering marriage. It is decidedly NOT an 'ohhh, we'll figure it out later' kind of thing.
While this is eminently true, it's possible for both partners to be in complete agreement for many years - before marriage, and after marriage - but then for one of them to undergo diametric reversal of preferences. I speak from experience. This happened to my former wife.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wac_432
You are mortal. You are going to die and be forgotten. ...
The only lasting legacy you can leave is your genetics
A more enduring legacy is contribution to the sciences and the arts. How many kids did Beethoven have, or Plato, or Newton? True, playing more video games or even climbing more mountains isn't really a substantive reason to eschew parenthood. And substantive contribution to humanity isn't limited to the child-free; Plato had no kids, but Aristotle had two. Still, the leaving of a legacy isn't a substantive reason to choose parenthood. If one's chief concern is looking back on one's deathbed on a life lived well, the fact that one had children is neither necessary nor sufficient.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Polarvortex1415
I don't think you can expect to know what it's like until you do it. I could tell you to go to Paris, but if you haven't been there, you can't get it.
If sojourning in Paris doesn't agree with you, you can return home early; or sit in your hotel room, watching TV. In the worst case, one has wasted a few thousand dollars and a couple of weeks of one's life. The cost of being wrong and of being unpleasantly surprised is modest. But if you have a kid, and parenthood doesn't agree with you, what then?
Quote:
Originally Posted by blisterpeanuts
People evolve, they change their minds, they hear the bio-clock ticking and suddenly want a baby.
Indeed. My former wife was as adamantly child-free as me, from her mid-20s through her mid-30s. As late as age 36 she expressed relief that she and I were in complete agreement regarding not reproducing. The following year, she changed completely. However much I tried to remonstrate with her, it was futile. The "biological clock", if that's what it was, could not be silenced. We divorced, after 9 years of marriage. She has since remarried and her daughter is now now almost 1 year old.
The OP and his wife have not been married long. If commentators are correct in that the OP really isn't much interested in having kids, and is only now coming forth with his beliefs, then it's imperative that he and his wife discuss the matter with all possible haste.
Do not have a kid if your reasons are anything except "I want to be a parent and take on that commitment, for better or for worse".
Any of the other reasons -- legacy, emotional needs, pressure from others, someone to take care of you -- are meaningless. Disregard them.
And despite what others might say, you are not being selfish by making a thoughtful, conscientious choice about what is best for you and your lifestyle. We need more of this in the world.
Well, wanting to have kids is instinctual. The cultural factors you mention are real and come out of that instinct. Have you ever seen women cooing over someone's baby? That's not just them being polite. Or little girls playing with baby dolls. It's an instinct of our species, and of mammals in general, to dote over the young.
Males are less so with other people's kids, but once we have children of our own, we males dote like crazy. Pure instinct.
All this analyzing and financial calculations are a bunch of rationalization emanating from the forebrain. Our ancient, instinctual hindbrain is actually in charge here. "Me want baby!" That's what drives us.
Well, wanting to have kids is instinctual. The cultural factors you mention are real and come out of that instinct. Have you ever seen women cooing over someone's baby? That's not just them being polite. Or little girls playing with baby dolls. It's an instinct of our species, and of mammals in general, to dote over the young.
Males are less so with other people's kids, but once we have children of our own, we males dote like crazy. Pure instinct.
All this analyzing and financial calculations are a bunch of rationalization emanating from the forebrain. Our ancient, instinctual hindbrain is actually in charge here. "Me want baby!" That's what drives us.
And yet not everyone has these "instincts". A significant number of people have no instinctual feelings towards children and have no desire to even have any of their own.
The human species has the ability to overcome instinct in so many ways even when said urge is in place.
Bolded 1: Little girls play with baby dolls because of the societal expectations of little girls. Girls are taught from society what is expected of them and the pink fluffy toys are apart of that whole expectation in the same way manly trucks and guns etc etc are expected of boys.
Bolded 2:SOME males dote, not all.
Breathing is instinctual. Fight or flight is instinctual. Fear is instinctual.
Having children is a choice and many are driven by the expectations of society to have children.
All this analyzing and financial calculations are a bunch of rationalization emanating from the forebrain. Our ancient, instinctual hindbrain is actually in charge here. "Me want baby!" That's what drives us.
This thread risks descending into debate over whether or not to have children, and I regret making such provocation myself. That said, while indeed the desire to procreate is instinctual, many of our drives and appetites are instinctual, and yet we don't indulge in them, or at least carefully circumscribe them, lest we cause offense or otherwise feel malign backlash. So the fact that some behavior is for most people a deeply-rooted wish, does not automatically imply that its actualization is honorable, worthwhile or sensible.
It seems to me that if a person doesn't feel the biological tug to towards having kids, then likely the better decision is to eschew parenthood. To be sure, many people desire to have children, but fret over the consequences, be they financial or lifestyle-curbing. In such cases perhaps it's sensible to yield to the biological tug anyway. But if that tug is absent - dormant, missing, dead - then even if all of the practical things align favorably (money, health, maturity,...), one ought to accede to the demands of one's reasoning, biology be damned.
We can't help you decide. It's entirely your call as a couple. This is a momentous decision, and you must be open and talk to each other even if it becomes tearful.
You must be honest with each other forever. But that's just me.
In a few years you'll find out whether you made the right decision.
Been married to a wonderful Louisiana woman for going on 32-years. Still no kids. Decided to wait until I grow up!
People do absolutely change. Hubby and I did. We married, five hearse before we changed our minds and had kids.
Saying the OP isn't fair! Please, this is a potential child, what a ridiculous statement. The fairness is only of both people want to be parents. People change, if it is very important for the wife, they need to make a decision.
And yes, kids are expensive. Used diapers? No thanks.
I have 7 kids.
Never regretted it for a second.
It also never stopped me from participating in any activities I loved (I took art classes, went white water rafting, etc)
My kids are all grown now and I miss so much their baby days. It was hard work, but it was wonderful.
If a man said he didn't want kids...well, there wouldn't have been a marriage.
If your wife really wants a child, she will probably never forgive you if you refuse.
And yet not everyone has these "instincts". A significant number of people have no instinctual feelings towards children and have no desire to even have any of their own.
The human species has the ability to overcome instinct in so many ways even when said urge is in place.
Bolded 1: Little girls play with baby dolls because of the societal expectations of little girls. Girls are taught from society what is expected of them and the pink fluffy toys are apart of that whole expectation in the same way manly trucks and guns etc etc are expected of boys.
Bolded 2:SOME males dote, not all.
Breathing is instinctual. Fight or flight is instinctual. Fear is instinctual.
Having children is a choice and many are driven by the expectations of society to have children.
Respectfully disagree with your every single statement. It sounds like you haven't raised children. I too once believed it was cultural indoctrination that made girls behave differently, until I was able to observe for myself and found that no matter how hard you try to make them equal, boys and girls will behave differently. Same experience for everyone I know who's raised children, and in recent years it's become a widely accepted fact among behavioral psychologists and the like.
You said "My biggest fear is that having a kid is going to change the simple and hassle-free life I have come to love. And once you have a kid, the decision is irreversible."
You answered your own question. I am a single mom to three. My first pregnancy was unplanned and it was twins. Those twins also have developmental delays... one has autism/epilepsy. My third child has no issues.
This was all many years ago. If you aren't 100% on board, don't do it. You will never have your life back. Yes you will love the kid(s) of course. But forget about rest and everything else... it's never ending labor and god forbid there be something wrong with the child, but it happens. Even the healthiest of children are endless labor and energy vampires.
Refer back to your own words. Don't do it. Good luck.
Males are less so with other people's kids, but once we have children of our own, we males dote like crazy. Pure instinct.
This is not true at all in my experience and in the experience of countless women that are left to raise children alone. Unless your idea of "doting" is patting the kid on the head once a month or carrying around a photo of the kid on your cell phone.
I applaud the men that take care of their kids, but many do not. And there certainly is no instinct involved.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
