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I was also like that , I mean like your daughter and still am. I remember my mother retorting me on all these issues and I never did hear that . Because it is a nature trait. I am still like this even I have a eight year daughter of my own. She is just careless and you are her mother so be patient with her. Growing up kids have far more scary issues than this. Thank to God that she is not messed up some other way.
I have a daughter - soon to turn 11 - good student, well-behaved with one rather huge exception which is that she is disorganized and horrifically messy. I, as her mother, have been addressing her issues for many years to no avail. I've tried what I believe to be all strategies/consequences. Over and over. Today, I feel done.
I often go thru her cache, weed through it all getting rid of stuff in hopes of keeping it more 'manageable' for her. I do not expect perfection from her, simply honest effort which she rarely produces. I am in the process of accepting that this is her 'nature', but in light of the fact that we share a home and I can not accommodate her issues any longer, my intention is to enforce a minimalist lifestyle upon her by simply bagging up practically everything she posseses today and donating it to charity. With both Christmas and her birthday around the corner, I dread the influx of new items into the home and think immediate reduction is the way to go in order to preserve my sanity.
Is there another way I can handle this - aside from trying to teach her organizational methods and giving consequences for noncompliance - which I am officially giving up on doing, as nothing works? If I have developed any insight (a guess), it is that this must be a power struggle - why else would she defy all of my requests to keep her messes contained and somewhat orderly? Or is my other guess correct - it is just her nature to be this way? How have others here addressed this with their own children after years of trying to fix it? Thanks.
In my Mother's home when I was a child if it was left on the floor it was donated to a charity no matter what it was.
There is no power struggle if you are constant with your teaching and consequences if your child does not do as she is told.
All you have taught her so far is she can be as messy as she likes and eventually you will go in and clean up after her, get rid of things and make room for all new things. Then in a few months do it all over again.
This is just one of the many reasons I'm terrified of having kids. In what world is wanting your kids to clean their rooms cruel, mean-spirited, selfish, or any of these other negative adjectives? It's amazing to me how hostile some people get about other peoples' parenting.
Look, OP could probably lighten up a little. Also, if you do all that cleanup yourself the child will never learn to clean up after itself. What would I do? I'd ask for clean up, expect a reasonable job (not perfect), or enforce some sort of consequence. If that's cruel, invasive, selfish, or outrageous then sue me.
Don't take things out of context, please!
OP said she was going to TOSS OUT THE KID'S PERSONAL ITEMS! She was going to get rid of this child's personal belongings and pare the room down to bare bones minimalism.
As long as OP's child is doing all the major things in her life well, close the bedroom door and let daughter define her comfort zone.
Does your daughter know how to clean/organize her room? Have you taught her how to or have you simply told her to go do it? I know my daughter at that age simply didn't know where to start with organization. Sit on her bed and say ok put such and such up there. Then when she is done with that, tell her to get all the clothes and put them in the hamper or hang them up or put them in the dresser etc. Do each thing or each group of thing together. You can even turn on music and make it fun with a prize or treat at the end.
my daughter is 9 , since she was 2 I used to cleaned her room together with her at age of 5 she start doing it alone. She is not that perfect either but she do clean her room every day and I circle her items every month. What she use go to solder and what is on the solder comes to her room. But I am not going behind being messy that much. Some times we have to accept as who they are, also no one is perfect either complete. I was not that organized kid either but after growing up I learned it my self, so take it easy, don't push her too much.
Does your daughter know how to clean/organize her room? Have you taught her how to or have you simply told her to go do it? .
These questions kept popping into my mind as well. At 11, she should be able to have a conversation about organization and not having a dirty (not messy) house or room. Find out if she needs more shelves or cabinet space for whatever is important to her. Spend a fun afternoon together going through her stuff and figuring out where it could go to make her happy.
Then, yeah, like other's said, close the door.
If she leaves stuff around the house, I'm all for it being taken away for a period of time. She must move it instead of mom or dad moving it for her.
This is all wrapped up in teaching your daughter about personal responsibility.
Please don't get rid of her stuff. That should be her choice. But, she may be overwhelmed by too much stuff and you can help her with that.
With her, pack up stuff she doesn't use regularly and let her decide what to donate now, and what to hold on to for a while. Don't judge...let her temporarily pack up anything--she may not donate anything. Get her room pared down to stuff she needs, uses regularly, or that have a special significance for her (let her decide this without judgement, but keep it at a few items). Then, let her live with her room that way for a while. If she's still a slob, just close the door but keep the expectation that she respect the shared parts of your home. If she keeps it tidy, let her go through the temporarily stored stuff a bit at a time and decide what to keep and what to donate. Continue slowly until she's gone through everything (several months probably).
Then institute the "something in-something out" policy. You get something new, something old gets donated. Also, instead of repeatedly telling her to clean her room, start a once a week cleaning frenzy. Turn on some funky, fun music, set a timer for 15-30 minutes and everyone picks-up/cleans like crazy for just that short bit of time (she does her room while you do somewhere else).
I was going to suggest ADHD as well. It runs rampant in my family, and is not fun.
I have a daughter with autism, and she is particularly disorganized. When I clean her room I find her dirty clothes in with her toys in with her books in with her schoolwork in with trash, etc. It's like she lacks the ability to organize and sort. I truly feel like when she grows up, compulsive hoarding is going to be an issue for her. I try and manage it by having her keep the room semi clean, and then every 2-3 months I do a purge. I will re-sort everything, get rid of the trash, wash the dirty laundry, and anticipate doing it again in several months.
Sometimes it has nothing to do with willingness to be neat. For my daughter I feel like it's almost disabling, her inability to stay organized. Seems to be a very common problem for people with ADHD.
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