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I am a 38 years old male with a 17 years old daughter who came to live with me 5 years ago. She adapted herself well here and we got along pretty good. She can be a sweet child, when she hugs and tells me that she loves me, listens to me and follows the rules. However, she can be really misbehaving type of a child. And when I say really, I mean getting into big trouble such as getting drunk, coming home late, hanging out with rude teens, disrespectful attitude with me (yells, insults, screams, slams doors and even pushed me once), taking money from home without asking, speeding with cars...I don't know what to do with her. She is really emotional type of a child and she starts crying when I scold or try to give her a lecture. Especially if I try to punish her, she gets really sad and begs me to cut the punishment, apologizing and promising that she will not repeat it. And i end up cutting the punishment, but she repeats the mistake after a while. If she does not feel that she should not do something, whe will do it anyway. She argues with me and defends her way which is obviously wrong.
I slapped her few times and I really regret it, I just got fed up of her attitude. I apologized to her for this and she said that its fine.
But I really dont know what to do anymore. Where is my mistake? I try to spend time with her as much as possible and she has expensive clothes, gets good amount of pocket money and drives 3 cars. Her friends dont seem to have this, but they are more respectful and grateful than her. What am doing wrong? My friends are telling me that I am spoiling her, but what should I do instead? I thought being easy-going parent will make our relationship better. I left her life when she was a little kid, when she needed me. I thought with spoiling her a bit, I am fixing that, but seems like not. I would appreciate your advices about this.
Drinking and/or speeding = no car, and not for a week, think months. She pays her own insurance before she gets driving privileges back
Mouthing off = some is to be expected, but if it's constant and completely disrespectful, ground her.
Stealing = take away her phone, her computer and her spending money. Make her earn it all back.
Find your backbone Dad. It is a phase a lot of teens go through. They emerge faster and more safely if you are consistent that none of it will be tolerated. Ignore the tears.
I am a 38 years old male with a 17 years old daughter who came to live with me 5 years ago. She adapted herself well here and we got along pretty good. She can be a sweet child, when she hugs and tells me that she loves me, listens to me and follows the rules. However, she can be really misbehaving type of a child. And when I say really, I mean getting into big trouble such as getting drunk, coming home late, hanging out with rude teens, disrespectful attitude with me (yells, insults, screams, slams doors and even pushed me once), taking money from home without asking, speeding with cars...I don't know what to do with her. She is really emotional type of a child and she starts crying when I scold or try to give her a lecture. Especially if I try to punish her, she gets really sad and begs me to cut the punishment, apologizing and promising that she will not repeat it. And i end up cutting the punishment, but she repeats the mistake after a while. If she does not feel that she should not do something, whe will do it anyway. She argues with me and defends her way which is obviously wrong.
I slapped her few times and I really regret it, I just got fed up of her attitude. I apologized to her for this and she said that its fine.
But I really dont know what to do anymore. Where is my mistake? I try to spend time with her as much as possible and she has expensive clothes, gets good amount of pocket money and drives 3 cars. Her friends dont seem to have this, but they are more respectful and grateful than her. What am doing wrong? My friends are telling me that I am spoiling her, but what should I do instead? I thought being easy-going parent will make our relationship better. I left her life when she was a little kid, when she needed me. I thought with spoiling her a bit, I am fixing that, but seems like not. I would appreciate your advices about this.
My first suggestion would be to get both of you into counseling. She is going to end up dead with the things she is doing. You need some parenting classes...ask the counselor about some classes for parenting difficult teens. Stop giving her everything...why in the world are you giving her access to cars when you KNOW she drinking and then very likely driving them?! If you own those cars, you are going to be the one to pay when she kills someone in your vehicle.
In a nutshell (because your issues are too huge to tackle on here), put her on lockdown. No cars, no cash, no new clothes, etc...she needs to EARN those privileges, not have them handed to her by a father because he feels guilty about leaving her when she was young and thinks throwing money and gifts at her now will buy her friendship and ease his guilt.
Drinking and/or speeding = no car, and not for a week, think months. She pays her own insurance before she gets driving privileges back
Mouthing off = some is to be expected, but if it's constant and completely disrespectful, ground her.
Stealing = take away her phone, her computer and her spending money. Make her earn it all back.
Find your backbone Dad. It is a phase a lot of teens go through. They emerge faster and more safely if you are consistent that none of it will be tolerated. Ignore the tears.
Very practical solutions in this post. OP, do you realize that every time she pulls this sweet, repentant act she is only doing this to manipulate you?
I am a 38 years old male with a 17 years old daughter who came to live with me 5 years ago. She adapted herself well here and we got along pretty good. She can be a sweet child, when she hugs and tells me that she loves me, listens to me and follows the rules. However, she can be really misbehaving type of a child. And when I say really, I mean getting into big trouble such as getting drunk, coming home late, hanging out with rude teens, disrespectful attitude with me (yells, insults, screams, slams doors and even pushed me once), taking money from home without asking, speeding with cars...I don't know what to do with her. She is really emotional type of a child and she starts crying when I scold or try to give her a lecture. Especially if I try to punish her, she gets really sad and begs me to cut the punishment, apologizing and promising that she will not repeat it. And i end up cutting the punishment, but she repeats the mistake after a while. If she does not feel that she should not do something, whe will do it anyway. She argues with me and defends her way which is obviously wrong. I slapped her few times and I really regret it, I just got fed up of her attitude. I apologized to her for this and she said that its fine.
But I really dont know what to do anymore. Where is my mistake? I try to spend time with her as much as possible and she has expensive clothes, gets good amount of pocket money and drives 3 cars. Her friends dont seem to have this, but they are more respectful and grateful than her. What am doing wrong? My friends are telling me that I am spoiling her, but what should I do instead? I thought being easy-going parent will make our relationship better. I left her life when she was a little kid, when she needed me. I thought with spoiling her a bit, I am fixing that, but seems like not. I would appreciate your advices about this.
Your daughter is manipulating you and you have some great suggestions.
That said, the bolded part, unacceptable. You are teaching your 17 year old daughter that it is okay for a man to hit a woman. Do you want her to marry someone who abuses her? I am sure you don't. First things first. Never touch her again.
Is this posting for real? If it is, you should know that teenagers are by nature manipulative. They want what they want when they want it. If you do not set the limits, society WILL set the limit - and society's limit is prison, which is where she is headed if she steals from anyone else, or drives drunk, or drives recklessly.
Tell her you're sorry. You're sorry you weren't in her life when she was little. You're sorry you haven't been a good father - because spoiling her with material possessions is NOT being a good father. Being a good father is setting a good example of an upstanding, responsible, law-abiding man who provides for his family. Being a good father is guiding her into becoming an upstanding, law-abiding, self-supporting young woman, who is ready to take care of herself, and any children she decides to have when she is ready.
Tell her you're going to change for the better, starting now. You're going to be the father that she needs. She goes to school, studies, gets good grades. She can either be in extracurricular activities, or hold a job. If she holds a job, she gets a small amount of spending money a week, and the rest gets saved for her future. If she doesn't work because she is spending most of her time studying and in school activities, she gets that same small amount as an allowance. No car for now. No drinking/drugging at all. You know where she is at all hours. She answers her phone if you call her outside of school hours. She is home when you say she has to be home. If she violates these rules, she loses her phone, and is grounded for a couple of days. Does it again, same consequences, but longer. If she abides by these rules, you will begin to allow her limited, supervised driving privileges. The longer she follows the rules, the more privileges she gets.
Start asking her what she wants to do with her life. What further education? What career? What is she looking for in a mate? What kind of life does she want to have? Then stay quiet and LISTEN to what she says. Try to guide her toward getting what she wants in life. Remind her that if what she's looking for is a rich man to take care of her, that rich men often get tired of their wife, and trade in for a new model. Hopefully, she will have some dreams of what she wants to do for herself. Find out how you can help guide her toward achieving those dreams. If possible, expose her to women and men who have rewarding careers, especially in fields which interest her, so she can see the possibilities that are open to her in life.
If she EVER nags, whines, begs, cajoles, anything, trying to get you to give in to her, tell her quietly to stop it, or she will lose privileges. NEVER threaten - always consider carefully what privileges to reasonably suspend, and DO IT. If you give in, you're lost. Don't argue with her - just stay firm, walk away from confrontation with her, and don't give in. If you do, you will never get her under control, and society will be the one to have to get her under control - by incarceration.
This is what being a good parent is about. She will probably always try to get stuff out of you - money, goods, whatever. But if you are a good parent, meaning a good disciplinarian, at least she will avoid having society impose the limits on her.
I am a 38 years old male with a 17 years old daughter who came to live with me 5 years ago. She adapted herself well here and we got along pretty good. She can be a sweet child, when she hugs and tells me that she loves me, listens to me and follows the rules. However, she can be really misbehaving type of a child. And when I say really, I mean getting into big trouble such as getting drunk, coming home late, hanging out with rude teens, disrespectful attitude with me (yells, insults, screams, slams doors and even pushed me once), taking money from home without asking, speeding with cars...I don't know what to do with her. She is really emotional type of a child and she starts crying when I scold or try to give her a lecture. Especially if I try to punish her, she gets really sad and begs me to cut the punishment, apologizing and promising that she will not repeat it. And i end up cutting the punishment, but she repeats the mistake after a while. If she does not feel that she should not do something, whe will do it anyway. She argues with me and defends her way which is obviously wrong.
I slapped her few times and I really regret it, I just got fed up of her attitude. I apologized to her for this and she said that its fine.
But I really dont know what to do anymore. Where is my mistake? I try to spend time with her as much as possible and she has expensive clothes, gets good amount of pocket money and drives 3 cars. Her friends dont seem to have this, but they are more respectful and grateful than her. What am doing wrong? My friends are telling me that I am spoiling her, but what should I do instead? I thought being easy-going parent will make our relationship better. I left her life when she was a little kid, when she needed me. I thought with spoiling her a bit, I am fixing that, but seems like not. I would appreciate your advices about this.
She is playing you. You need to make clear that if she continues then at adult age she will have to move out. She is adult enough to take responsibility for her actions. Don't be scared of having your daughter say she doesn't like or love you. Making her responsible is most loving thing you can do at that age. We teach responsibility and punish in hopes they by adult age take responsibility and make good decisions.
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