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Old 01-01-2015, 09:39 PM
 
Location: Native Floridian, USA
5,297 posts, read 7,579,732 times
Reputation: 7478

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I absolutely think the original post was genuine and I took it at face value. So what they made a mistake, in my opinion, in how this who thing was handled, I made a lot of them.

The OP stated the reference about the Porsche and boarding school was a joke.

It sounds like this whole episode has been thought out on a message board, as the premise started out as one thing and evolved into most of the family found out they were unhappy all the way around.

I have a grandson on the spectrum and a mother in denial in my own family. I have sympathy for this family's situation. But I truly resent the final disparaging comments on the people, the place, the cultural mores, the school system, etc, in the parting shot. That moved me from sympathy for a family in an unhappy situation, with a lot of missteps in between, to a sour feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I'll bet you all wish you hadn't posted the initial question given the responses. LOL>
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Old 01-01-2015, 10:53 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,027,765 times
Reputation: 32725
Quote:
Originally Posted by carrerafan View Post
A few answers:

a) I telecommute from a home office now with occasional trips elsewhere, so it doesn't matter where I am. Wife's in a super employable medical field in demand, so that's not really an issue.

b) My wife got really badly burned by a move when she was a kid and insisted on buy in from the kids if the move was optional. She's a huge believer in stability for the kids.

c) I feel compelled to defend Middle; he's been super patient and gracious throughout the whole process, and could have simply said no at the beginning. He only said yes to make us as parents happy, and I'm pretty sure that most kids his age would not have done that. Also, lest you think he's snobbish and entitled, the boarding school and car ideas were ours. He doesn't want the first precisely because he's met a few of those types of kids and couldn't stand them, as for the car, a used 944 in good shape costs a lot less than you'd think....

One of the conditions of the deal was that he did have to try to integrate, which he did really well right until the wheels fell off and that wasn't his fault. As to the cultural fit, it was never really going to work, but you can tell he at least tried hard at it. He's only had one disciplinary problem, and that was in the first two weeks he got here and was actually one of the most laughable things we've ever seen.

d) I had to make a quick business trip up to Boston this week, and last night the wife talked to Youngest about the possibility we might move for the first time. She said he's actually less opposed than you'd think, as he's about to have to switch school anyways and likes the idea of living in a bigger city. Maybe this works out okay.....
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post
I absolutely think the original post was genuine and I took it at face value. So what they made a mistake, in my opinion, in how this who thing was handled, I made a lot of them.

The OP stated the reference about the Porsche and boarding school was a joke.

It sounds like this whole episode has been thought out on a message board, as the premise started out as one thing and evolved into most of the family found out they were unhappy all the way around.

I have a grandson on the spectrum and a mother in denial in my own family. I have sympathy for this family's situation. But I truly resent the final disparaging comments on the people, the place, the cultural mores, the school system, etc, in the parting shot. That moved me from sympathy for a family in an unhappy situation, with a lot of missteps in between, to a sour feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I'll bet you all wish you hadn't posted the initial question given the responses. LOL>
No, he didn't. Thanks for the anonymous rep point, though.
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Old 01-02-2015, 12:00 AM
 
Location: Fairbanks, AK
1,753 posts, read 2,883,963 times
Reputation: 1886
Putting adult responsibilities and choices onto children will get you screwed every time. So there ya are.
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Old 01-02-2015, 12:13 AM
 
336 posts, read 713,175 times
Reputation: 391
<sigh> As a mom of 4 of various ages, I completely feel for you. Usually I'd be all over someone for "not being the parent", but I understand this situation. I really do. We live in upstate NY and it's bittersweet. There are some aspects we LOVE and hate the thought of leaving, but the aspects we despise are so great, we just can't fathom spending the rest of our lives here. Having said that, we've been here for 11 years now. Our children have friendships and this is all they've known. We get upset with ourselves for not moving sooner, but there's always been "something" that made it impossible to move earlier. Part of the problem is we've never been able to decide where to plant our roots.

Fast forward to our oldest about to start high school next year and we've asked the older ones if they still want to move. They say they do, but like us, they have a few places they could see being happy. Our youngest is too young to really know, but our second youngest says he never wants to leave this house much less the state. Well...that just isn't going to be in the cards.

The problem is, not only did you make a deal with your child, but you renewed that deal when you asked him to stay put another year. The sad thing is, it seems like you are going to seriously upset one of your children either way. While everybody else is poo pooing your choices, I completely understand the concern for wanting to make sure that your children are happy. I do wonder if part of the reason he hasn't been able to find happiness where you are though is because he has been dragging his feet the whole time. He didn't want to go in the first place and he knew as long as he felt that way, eventually you'd take him home. It sounds like he's never really given the place a chance or even tried to see it as home. That is something I would have honed in on much sooner, but unfortunately, hindsight is always 20/20 and now you truly are between a rock and a hard place.

I would have a family meeting. I would lay everything out on the table about how the youngest and oldest feel as well and the two of you. If you're happier where you are. If it makes more sense financially. Etc. Bribing with a Porche wouldn't "solve" the problem even if he DID accept it. It would be a Band-aid...not actually heal the wound so to speak.

While we view things like the one poster said...the children give input and then the parents make the final decision...you'd better believe we crossed FL off our list knowing how much our children love the snow and knowing there was a very good chance some of them would move away the first chance they had to get back to it. So how to fix things now...honestly, I'd suggest going to family counseling...not because there's something wrong with you or one of your children or because you don't want to seem like you are deciding which child you love more...you know you love them all. I'd seek out family counseling to help you come to an agreement as a family. A counselor...and make sure you get one who is knowledgeable in helping families work together like a well oiled cog...seriously...would be able to ask questions in a way that could help everyone process things better and more objectively.

You're a good parent for caring about how your children feel. You are in a tight spot. I truly think giving counseling a try may be the best way to go. I hope you will keep us posted and wish your family the best. (Having said all that, I have 2 friends who moved out of NY to NC and the other to WV. BOTH families were back in a year because their children weren't happy.)
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Old 01-02-2015, 12:23 AM
 
336 posts, read 713,175 times
Reputation: 391
Now that I've read your replies, it sounds like your son DID try and it sounds like you guys know what you want to do now. What part of the North East are you from? (We're in the Capital District.)

Like I said, I am all about the parents being the parents, but these are serious life altering decisions. When it comes to certain ages, I agree with you that the children's feelings need to be taken more into account.

I wish you the best in your move.

BTW, all of hubby and my friends are still back in MD. When my mom died last month, it was our friends back home who helped hold us together. We had her funeral there and I was so overwhelmed with the support we received. I guarantee had we had her funeral in NY, nobody would have come. We just don't have the same relationships here we do there. You would think it would be an easy decision for us then where to move...everybody says we should just move back to MD or somewhere around there. Sadly, I can't stand MD as a state anymore and I know how awful the state is to retirees. <sigh>

I hope our situation comes together soon as well as yours did in the end.

Best of luck!
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Old 01-02-2015, 01:44 AM
 
469 posts, read 396,157 times
Reputation: 1810
Just a comment on cultural differences...I, too, moved as a child to the south (Washington to Texas). I had never even heard the term "mam" in my life. My teacher asked me a question and I politely answered "Yes." She said "Yes, what?" I had absolutely no idea what she was after, and she kept saying it until she was pretty much screaming at me. I got sent to detention, still with no idea what was going on. Someone finally clued me in that she wanted me to say "Yes, mam." I think I was 8 or 9. Way to traumatize a kid! I pretty much hated Texas at that point. I got used to it eventually but it was always foreign to me and I was glad to move again a few years later. So, I totally sympathize with your kid, but do think you made a big mistake up front. I never would have made a promise like that or given any of my kids so much power.
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Old 01-02-2015, 01:58 AM
 
450 posts, read 504,279 times
Reputation: 840
I got to page 6 of this (ummm) thread and couldn't take it any more. Personally, I think it's fake.

If we tell our kids to pack their bags, they pack their bags. That's the way it works. We try to make the best decisions we can. If we mess up (which we haven't yet on anything major) then we will make a new decision and try again. It's not up to the kids. We do try to include them in planning and get them excited about things, but in the end, the parents make the decisions.

And "Boarding school"??? No. We raise our children, we don't send them away for convenience sake.
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Old 01-02-2015, 10:51 AM
 
Location: Location: Location
6,727 posts, read 9,891,938 times
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In 1968, the late hubs had an opportunity for employment 120 miles from "home". We packed up three teens and a three y.o. and moved. We didn't ask "who wants to go?" The two oldest werent' happy with the move and we knew it but it was our livelihood on the line. They swore that the minute they graduated from high school they would return "home".

We bore up under the grumbling and seeming unhappiness which lasted longer for one than for the other. Time passed and everything settled down.

Long story short: Forty-six years later and everybody still lives within 20 minutes of our '68 destination except for one - but he didn't go "home".

It's called "parenting" and you have allowed your child to blackmail you into doing what he wants. Now he's going to find out one of two things: He has all the power, or, you can't be trusted to keep your word. However it works out, your life from now on is hell.
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Old 01-02-2015, 11:01 AM
 
118 posts, read 103,560 times
Reputation: 326
I disagree with PPs who say 'if you made a deal, you should honor it.' Nope, parents decide where the family lives. Not the kids. That's all I'd say. He can move for college.

If you feel the need to say anything else, make it a teaching moment: parents make mistakes, just like everyone else. We shouldn't have made a deal we couldn't commit to (because who knows - if you or spouse got a perfect job last year, in London, maybe you'd be there). So, no we are not moving. And, no we are not bribing you - no extra gift for 'agreeing' to stay here, because its not any of our child's decision. You live where we live.

Separately, and TOTAL conjecture: middle school is the worst. If he had been in middle school when you first moved, he might not have left with such rosy ideas of his classmates/school experience. Elementary school is easy to be in love with.
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Old 01-02-2015, 11:12 AM
 
894 posts, read 1,044,700 times
Reputation: 2662
The thing is, there's no guarantee that even if the family does move back it will be all sunshine and rainbows for their Middle child. Keeping in touch with friends via Skype is one thing, trying to matriculate back into social circles you haven't been a part of for four years is another.

I think the parents made the original deal figuring that once Middle got acclimated and made some friends, he'd forget all about moving back. Now they're screwed because it didn't happen.
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