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If they're old enough (and the age where they are is debatable), I am all for "don't touch," and very firm responses when they do. Children need to learn that they can't touch everything they see which appeals to them. It's no different than how, as a grown-up man, I can't just go up to an attractive woman and start grabbing the appealing areas, or how teenagers can't just take things away from others. Children need to learn this at an early age.
I do understand that if you are talking about VERY YOUNG children, as in less than 2, you do want an inviting environment for them where they can learn by touch and exploration. However, once they're say, age 3 or so, I think they're old enough to learn to leave things alone, even if those things appeal to them. They have to learn that it's not the responsibility of the world to hide inviting and appealing things from their sight, it's THEIR job to handle and control their impulses, and I think 3 is old enough for certain things. I know our son, at age 3, was told to leave my wife's candy at her desk alone, and would in fact run if we caught him in the act. (Yes, I absolutely expected a 3 year old to leave candy alone simply because we told him to.) Once, when I caught him the act, I spanked him within seconds of the offense. On a later occasion, I did nothing initially, but then later made a pie--only to squash his excitement by making him sit at the table and watch while the rest of us WERE able to eat the pie--and he was told "you already had your candy" and "little boys who can't do as they're told don't get to eat pie." It didn't take long, and ultimately, he got to where he'd ask us if he could have some of her candy, and 97% of the time we in fact would let him. "See what happens when you ASK?," we'd say.
People without kids always have a stylized view of parenting.
There's no black and white answer. Some parents love arguing with a baby, others are super permissive ignoring the little angels, others it depends on their mood or if the kid is cranky or something, Sometimes it's dependent on the house you're in.
If you complained before about a kid touching something for example.
I suspect that since you didn't ask about it you're not all that "close"?
Why didn't you just be inviting and put her at ease and say "Oh don't worry, they can't hurt that stuff."?
My ex's wife had a TON Of complaints about my child that were the stupidest complaints on the planet. He was too talkative. He was too loud when he laughed. He wanted to DO THINGS not sit at her house and watch TV by himself all weekend. SCARY THINGS like toss the ball around in the yard with his father. yada yada
Then when she had her OWN kid, at age 39 she was all smug about the potential perfect genius UNTIL I walked in and found her CONSTANTLY arguing with a 10 month old. Poor kid. Eating in his high chair and her debating with him over peas or some nonsense. I tried to explain to her, the best thing you can do is NOT argue to WIN with a little BABY, it's very simple to just change the storyline. NOPE.
She never learned the supreme art of parenthood - DISTRACTION.
OT-
Of course my kid stopped going there at age 10 when he decided all on his own he didn't need the aggravation from the pseudo expert non-relative. The one who had NO APPRECIATION AT ALL that her husband was a FATHER before he ever met her.
If they're old enough (and the age where they are is debatable), I am all for "don't touch," and very firm responses when they do. Children need to learn that they can't touch everything they see which appeals to them. It's no different than how, as a grown-up man, I can't just go up to an attractive woman and start grabbing the appealing areas, or how teenagers can't just take things away from others. Children need to learn this at an early age.
I do understand that if you are talking about VERY YOUNG children, as in less than 2, you do want an inviting environment for them where they can learn by touch and exploration. However, once they're say, age 3 or so, I think they're old enough to learn to leave things alone, even if those things appeal to them. They have to learn that it's not the responsibility of the world to hide inviting and appealing things from their sight, it's THEIR job to handle and control their impulses, and I think 3 is old enough for certain things. I know our son, at age 3, was told to leave my wife's candy at her desk alone, and would in fact run if we caught him in the act. (Yes, I absolutely expected a 3 year old to leave candy alone simply because we told him to.) Once, when I caught him the act, I spanked him within seconds of the offense. On a later occasion, I did nothing initially, but then later made a pie--only to squash his excitement by making him sit at the table and watch while the rest of us WERE able to eat the pie--and he was told "you already had your candy" and "little boys who can't do as they're told don't get to eat pie." It didn't take long, and ultimately, he got to where he'd ask us if he could have some of her candy, and 97% of the time we in fact would let him. "See what happens when you ASK?," we'd say.
Horrifying. I IMPLORE you to evaluate your sadistic streak and get some anger management help. What a nightmare living in your house. What comes next? Russian Roulette?
Quote:
Originally Posted by shyguylh
I have to disagree. I think 6 years old, heck FOUR years old, is PLENTY old enough for them to clean AND for them, once shown a time or two (and I mean a time or two, not 20), to know HOW. I have a 4 & 6 year old and they have been shown how to clean, I've done so twice, I will NOT be doing it again. I don't repeat myself, I don't chew my cabbage twice as some people put it. It is not my job to do their job for them that they are fully capable of doing themselves, simply because they don't WANT to. Do it with them, you will basically do it FOR them as they will have no incentive to do otherwise because mommy & daddy are doing it all for them. No, thank you. My job ends with "clean your room."
It's like this at our place--clean it up, or I'll burn it up outdoors, or maybe just maybe donate it to another kid. The Thomas-The-Train, the Tinkerbell, your DVDs--yes, I'll torch it or give it away faster than you say "poof" if the room is not clean. We live in the boonies with little in the way of neighbors, in a culture where people burn their trash outdoors all the time, and I keep 2 gallons of gas in the shed & plenty of matches in the cupboard. They KNOW I'll do it. I even set a kitchen timer (around 30 minutes or so) & if it dings before they're done, away to the burning pile it goes or to Goodwill if I'm in a really good mood. They hear that "tick, tick, tick" of the kitchen timer and that is all the reminding they need.
It's funny--I don't have to say it twice. Kids DO listen, when motivated. It's funny like that sometimes. If fear is what it takes--fine, whatever it takes, I could give a flip if it's fear or rewards that works, so long as it WORKS. But it's not MY job to clean THEIR messes--you made the mess, YOU clean it YOURSELF.
^yeah, vomit. Talk about being completely misguided about a 3 year old's thought process. Given shyguy's comments about babies in the parent's room in a previous thread, it is no surprise to see a certain coldness in other methods.
In regard to the original question, I found this very hard with my first. In hindsight, one of the first signs of being autistic was his inability to comprehend no touch. He is going on 5 and this is a daily therapy to improve impulses. We actually no longer see my MIL over her refusal to remove glass items from her floor. My second child, I can just say no touch, and that's that. He's fine.
I believe it's better to be safe and childproof, than to have a heirloom or something special or dangerous broken.
My reason: I had a girlfriend who used to bring her daugher over for a visit. I had my great grandmother's antique soup tureen up on my buffet table. I usually put it up out of reach when they came for a visit, but sometimes I forgot. No matter how often that child came to visit and was told NOT to touch it, I always heard the lid rattle. She was quite old enough (from the time she was 5-10) to know better and did it because she knew she wasn't supposed to. It pissed me off that my girlfriend didn't keep closer watch on her daughter. I didn't say anything because 1, it would have hurt her feelings, and 2, she should have known to watch her daughter.
Some parents don't teach their kids not to touch, and some kids just DO NOT listen when they are taught not to touch something. The more you tell them/teach them not to, the more they WANT to touch forbidden articles.
I had 4 kids all within 11 months to 13 months apart. They were all toddlers and preschool at once. It was hard for me to even visit relatives with them because while one was going after this thing, three more were going in three different directions after something else
Needless to say I never got much visiting done and usually would have loved a nap when we got back home. It quickly became a habit for relatives and friends to come to my house for family gatherings or visits with the few friends we had time for. Worked out great because my house was pretty much childproof and there was nothing of interest there for the kids to break..Well, one time they removed big strips of wallpaper off a bedroom. And the last time I say my pink cultured pearl necklace one of the girls was tossing it down the toilet and flushed it away into the city sewer system
I have great grandchildren now and it is still a habit for family gatherings to be at my house, because it is still childproof and full of good food and lots of love.
No one has suggested that the parent sit the child(ren) down, and allow them to hold the precious object. Sit the child on the floor and put pillows around them if necessary. Talk to them about the item: "Isn't it pretty? This is Grandma's special (dish, antique, vase, treasure of whatever kind). We have to be gentle and take good care of it, don't we? Now let's put it back where it's safe and where we can see it." Model good behavior - don't discourage curiosity, but deal with it intelligently and respectfully and let the child know why certain items are special.
A similar approach is to tell the child they're going to see lots of pretty things and these things are just to look at. Show the child how to hold their hands behind their back, and again, talk with them about what they're seeing and how pretty it is, and how it's nice to look at such things. But these pretty things are just to look at, and while everyone can look their fill, the pretty things cannot be handled.
Obviously this approach doesn't work with pre-verbal children, but it can be used very effectively with toddlers. My family did this with me, and nothing in my grandmother's "pretty room", filled with family treasures and antiques, ever was broken.
Broken by me, that is - my cousins, whose parents did not use this method, were another story.
For younger children, bring a toy with you and give it to the child to occupy them during your visit. Don't expect a little child to amuse themselves in a house full of fragile items - this is unfair to the child as well as to the homeowner. Planning ahead is easy - tell the child what to expect, bring a distracting toy for children too young to teach, and keep an eye on your child during your visit.
If you know your child is rambunctious and potentially destructive despite your best efforts to teach them to control their behavior, perhaps social visits to homes known to be filled with fragile items should be rethought - instead, invite your friends to your house or choose a place away from both houses for a visit.
Horrifying. I IMPLORE you to evaluate your sadistic streak and get some anger management help. What a nightmare living in your house. What comes next? Russian Roulette?
I agree with this completely.
No 3 year old is "old enough to control their impulses" -- please. I've been around kids my entire life. I used to teach and I have one of my own. Even getting closer to 10, they still act on impulses occasionally. To expect a 3 year old to know right from wrong.... I'm a rather strict mother and teacher but parenting and childcare demands a liberal amount of patience and tolerance as well.
People overestimate their ability to keep their young children safe by supervision alone.
Exactly! And in someone else's house, it's worse. You can, through repetition after repetition, teach your kid to (maybe) leave some of your "don't touches" alone, but the kid doesn't know what's non-touchable in someone else's house.
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It quickly became a habit for relatives and friends to come to my house for family gatherings or visits with the few friends we had time for. Worked out great because my house was pretty much childproof and there was nothing of interest there for the kids to break..Well, one time they removed big strips of wallpaper off a bedroom.
And the last time I say my pink cultured pearl necklace one of the girls was tossing it down the toilet and flushed it away into the city sewer system
I'm a rather strict mother and teacher but parenting and childcare demands a liberal amount of patience and tolerance as well. 
