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Well - I never wanted kids - did not think I was maternal, etc. etc. but ended up having them at 40 - now I realize that you never really "grow up" until you have kids - now I am not into myself anymore - which is a good thing.
Long ago...like from childhood...I knew I didn't want to be a mom. Nothing about it appealed to me. I remember declaring that to my parents at an early age and my dad saying, "ok, you don't have to if you don't want to." Knowing that it was ok to not want kids, I kept that in my mind.
Like the OP, I rode the fence for a little while in my early 20s when friends were having kids, but it was more of an "I want to want to have kids so I can fit in" kind of thing rather than a genuine desire for them. I didn't want to be that weirdo who wasn't part of the Mommy Club. I felt like an outsider. That feeling passed and I decided I really did not want to be a mom. Not because of the soggy diapers or midnight feedings or because I'm a selfish person who wants her space only, but because it just didn't feel right to me. Like people who choose the religious life, I think parenting is a calling and if you don't hear the call, it's best that you avoid testing to see if it works.
When I met my husband in my early 30s, he had the same feelings and after we married, I had my tubes tied to ensure I never had them.
Now does this decision mean that my husband and I are any less mature than people with children? I don't think so. We both work very hard, save money, support animal rescue, have furkids and generally really enjoy life. I don't see our life as "selfish." We don't need children to define or complete us...we define and complete ourselves and that's actually a comfort.
I think for so many, they have children because they don't want to be weirdos or viewed differently. Not a good reason to be a parent. Do it because you have the calling...not because it's popular.
Well - I never wanted kids - did not think I was maternal, etc. etc. but ended up having them at 40 - now I realize that you never really "grow up" until you have kids - now I am not into myself anymore - which is a good thing. Kids can be heartbreaking and also can be fun and fulfilling - not everyone should have kids - a lot of people are much too selfish and self involved these days - and having nephews and nieces and friends kids around does not count as the same thing as having kids
Yes, I've heard that a lot. I guess I don't really want to "grow up" that way. I'm a worrier as it is...the last thing I need to do is worry about kids. I don't really think people change when they have kids - they carry their own style over to their kids and apply it to them - sometimes that's not a good thing!
I'm not sure why you sound so self-righteous now - did you consider YOURSELF to be selfish and self-involved when you were 38?
Sure, nephews and nieces aren't the same as your own - they're not meant to be! Being an aunt or an uncle is a fun "big brother or big sister" kind of thing where you get to bring fun to them without so many rules - kids can certainly use THAT these days with everything being so regimented. So are you as involved with your nieces and nephews as before you had your kids...probably not, so you could say you're actually depriving them of something by having your own...but since your own are more important, big deal, right? ...just a different perspective is all.
Everyone as a role in society...and it's silly to push a different role on someone when they like and are best at what they WANT to do. There's no reason to push people to have kids as THAT'S what makes bad parents and there are PLENTY of those as it is.
And this is why these discussions end up being rancorous. Having kids is a life changing experience that's hard to express without it coming across as self-righteous to people who don't have kids. It's not meant to be, at least in most cases, and sure, maybe saying you don't really grow up until you become a parent isn't the best way to phrase it. But I honestly don't know what words to use that convey the magnitude of that change that don't sound insulting to someone who doesn't have kids.
And this is why these discussions end up being rancorous. Having kids is a life changing experience that's hard to express without it coming across as self-righteous to people who don't have kids. It's not meant to be, at least in most cases, and sure, maybe saying you don't really grow up until you become a parent isn't the best way to phrase it. But I honestly don't know what words to use that convey the magnitude of that change that don't sound insulting to someone who doesn't have kids.
I think being a teacher is on a whole other level of "magnitude" than being a parent. And being a parent is on a whole other level of "magnitude" than giving birth. Heck, being a zookeeper is on a whole other level of "magnitude" when it comes to nurturing. Being an EMS ambulance driver, or first responder, or the guy who found the first corpse at the World Trade Centers is on a whole other level of "magnitude" than having kids.
I think in the scheme of things, having kids is not all that big of a deal. It's a natural occurrence in much of the world's population of sentient beings, of which humans are only a very small part.
On the one hand, I relish the low- maintenance life I have now. I am a hardcore introvert who needs his alone time and dislikes social gatherings. I have never been much of a kid person to begin with. I'm the youngest of 3 and didn't grow up around younger kids/babies. I am not stingy with money, as I frequently donate to charities, but I'll be the first to admit I am stingy with my time. Sundays in my book are for reading, writing, and watching TV.
However, I sometimes have paternal twinges that lead me to think that once I have a kid (I want a daughter), I will break out of my comfort zone and make my child the center of my universe.
The fact of the matter is that my risk-averse nature keeps me in check. There are so many unfavorable things that could happen when you have a kid (stress, less sex, child could turn out unruly or with health issues/disabilities, marital problems, etc) that I often ask myself why I would bother altering the relaxing, low-hassle life I have now.
1. For those of you who opted to have kids: Be honest. What are some things that you don't necessarily love about parenthood? Do you have regrets? Would you advise someone who's on the fence to think very carefully before taking the leap?
2. For those of you who opted not to have kids: Why did you choose not to have any? Are you happy with that decision, or do you at times feel pangs of regret?
Didn't think about having kids until they showed up, once they were on site, they do tend to grow on you!
There is a lot of downside, my mom always use to tell me I could be traded for a housebroken puppy... never got traded, but I always wondered.
Nobody is going to tell you honestly it is good or bad that you should have kids, they simply don't know you and that is something you have to decide. But at a guess, if you are having these kinds of thoughts, I would guess you'd do alright should they show up. Be nice though if you have a good spouse to share them with.
We're in the solid no kids campaign, we have literally dozens of nieces and nephews. We like our quiet mornings and being able to travel. The only situation we've discussed with kids is maube one day adopting an older child.
We're not anti kids, we love kids. We just like giving them back to their parents lol.
I think it's a hard topic to discuss because telling people how amazing being a parent is can come off as patronizing or critical. But many people who are child free can be real jerks when explaining why they don't want kids.
I opted out because I have never, ever felt any kind of "mothering instinct." Nurturing, yes. Mothering, no. I knew when I was a little girl I wasn't going to be a mother. Or rather, I knew from the moment I was cognizant of "what you want to do/be when you grow up" that being a mother was never one of those ideas. It never entered into my mind. When I grew up and became an adult, it was time to start thinking about this topic, and I realized nothing had changed. I was mostly ambivalent. In other words, I just flat out didn't care about the concept of motherhood. By the time I got married at age 30, to a man who had the same ambivalence about fatherhood, I was content with my decision. So is my husband. We're 53 and 55 respectively and still satisfied with our decision.
Once in awhile when I see a newborn, I get the urge to cuddle it. When I see little girls with long hair I get the occasional urge to braid their hair. But other than that - not much. I have more affection for my cat than I think I'd ever have for another human being, and I'm satisfied with that.
My daughter says the same thing. She said whenever she thought about what she would do when she grew up, having kids was never part of her imagination. Thinking about it, I realized how true that was. She never talked about getting married and having a family with the exception of sometimes mentioning what type of wedding dress she would like because she was always into fashion. She didn't play with dolls. She had two beautiful baby dolls that she got as a gift, a girl and boy, that she set up in a nice little basket in the corner of her room and never touched. She preferred her beanie babies, which she would set up in rows for playing schools with her as the teacher.
Now she's in her 20s, and she's pretty sure she doesn't ever want children.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 02-01-2016 at 12:30 PM..
We're in the solid no kids campaign, we have literally dozens of nieces and nephews. We like our quiet mornings and being able to travel. The only situation we've discussed with kids is maube one day adopting an older child.
We're not anti kids, we love kids. We just like giving them back to their parents lol.
I think it's a hard topic to discuss because telling people how amazing being a parent is can come off as patronizing or critical. But many people who are child free can be real jerks when explaining why they don't want kids.
It's definitely not a casual convo topic.
When my dd and I were discussing her desire to have her tubes tied recently, we had a conversation along those lines. I once had a coworker who did not want children, but she was totally obnoxious about it. There were a number of us in the office who had small children, and whenever we would say something about not getting enough sleep or even about a kid who acted up or talked back, she would loudly proclaim, "SEE? THIS is why I don't EVER want to have kids!" The parents could not have a normal parent conversation without her interjecting her desire to never have children into the conversation. She was (and still is) a nice person otherwise, but there was no need for that nonsense.
I told my daughter the story, and I asked her to please never act like that around parents. What a childfree person has to understand is that a parent (a normal parent, anyway) knows a type of love that a non-parent will never, ever be able to understand. It doesn't make the non-parent any less of a person at all, but they DO have to understand that a parent has an attachment to another human being in a way that they cannot fathom. Hell, it's why THEY are still alive.
Parents do NOT, however, have the right to tell someone who does not want children that they are wrong or selfish or anything else. It is their choice not to have children without unsolicited input from anyone else.
When my dd and I were discussing her desire to have her tubes tied recently, we had a conversation along those lines. I once had a coworker who did not want children, but she was totally obnoxious about it. There were a number of us in the office who had small children, and whenever we would say something about not getting enough sleep or even about a kid who acted up or talked back, she would loudly proclaim, "SEE? THIS is why I don't EVER want to have kids!" The parents could not have a normal parent conversation without her interjecting her desire to never have children into the conversation. She was (and still is) a nice person otherwise, but there was no need for that nonsense.
I told my daughter the story, and I asked her to please never act like that around parents. What a childfree person has to understand is that a parent (a normal parent, anyway) knows a type of love that a non-parent will never, ever be able to understand. It doesn't make the non-parent any less of a person at all, but they DO have to understand that a parent has an attachment to another human being in a way that they cannot fathom. Hell, it's why THEY are still alive.
Parents do NOT, however, have the right to tell someone who does not want children that they are wrong or selfish or anything else. It is their choice not to have children without unsolicited input from anyone else.
So many people in the Child Free world are like that, using terms like breeders, it's ridiculous. I gave up on finding some sort of child free social group.
Honestly our society has become pregnancy obsessed. It's not necessarily a bad thing. But now people seem to feel much more comfortable asking abiut when you're going to have kids, or a second kid, or what no kids yet? And not everyone realizes that maybe your friend who you keep asking when she's getting pregnant is struggling with infertility.
The whole topic is a can of worms.
Don't even get me started on trying to find a Dr who is willing to tie the tubes of a 30 yr old woman who has never had kids. Men can get a vasectomy any time they want, but I woman might change her mind so make her wait to be sterilized.
So many people in the Child Free world are like that, using terms like breeders, it's ridiculous. I gave up on finding some sort of child free social group.
Honestly our society has become pregnancy obsessed. It's not necessarily a bad thing. But now people seem to feel much more comfortable asking abiut when you're going to have kids, or a second kid, or what no kids yet? And not everyone realizes that maybe your friend who you keep asking when she's getting pregnant is struggling with infertility.
The whole topic is a can of worms.
Don't even get me started on trying to find a Dr who is willing to tie the tubes of a 30 yr old woman who has never had kids. Men can get a vasectomy any time they want, but I woman might change her mind so make her wait to be sterilized.
I know. My daughter is 24 and wants her tubes tied now. I don't think a doctor will do it at her age. But she will seek that out when she is ready.
One of my sisters wanted her tubes tied young and the doctors wouldn't do it. She got pregnant, but she really wasn't a good mom. She was an animal person, not a kid person, and her pets came first. Eventually her daughter went to live with my mother. Only now that her daughter is in her late 30s do they have a somewhat better relationship. Oddly, my niece has five kids and does a pretty good job with them despite my sister's neglect of her.
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