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I'm older, no kids. I was married to one guy for 38 years and the child free thing was choice. Here's why:
1) Money. I was worried I couldn't afford it. If I had a child I wanted to be able to give the kid most of what he/she needed.
2) I liked being free to do as I pleased with fewer responsibilities.
3) I knew my H well and I KNEW for sure if we had kids, most of the WORK would be done by me. And I wasn't sure I really wanted to carry all the load. I'm not dissing him, he's dead BTW, but it became obvious fast that a guy who couldn't do his own laundry or clean a toilet was not going to wipe snotty noses or attend parent teacher conferences. And forget things like little league coaching, it would cut into his free time too much.
4) Several people I knew had 'special needs' kids and that literally scared the crap out of me. What if I had a child who would never grow up. Would I be able to cope? These folks loved their children and made their lives as good as they could be, but from the outside looking in, it looked like lifelong servitude to me.
5) We didn't have the best genetics. We both had family members with illnesses/problems.
No, I don't regret my choices. However if I had been in a relationship with my current SO when we were young, we would have had children. Different relationship, different choices.
You know, this resonated with me quite a bit. I have been open to having kids, but really I wanted to find the partner who was right for me. I didn't. But even if I found that partner, maybe that partner would have been the right guy for me but he wouldn't have been the right guy to have kids with. Ya know?
Basically it was too many unknown factors involved for me to say "I never want to have kids" or "I definitely want to have kids." Heck, it's still the same situation.
I noticed some of you pointed out that this is the second thread I've made on this topic. Good memory!
I find it to be such a big decision -- with such life-altering implications -- that I mull this over every so often.
Someone in the thread stated that at first she was happy to remain childfree, but has started rethinking the whole thing on the premise that she's bored and ready for a new challenge -- for a new purpose in life.
I've thought about this myself. Books, writing, travel, museum hopping, movies, and other hobbies might eventually become routine, and I may start to question: "What are my wife and I really living for? Is this it?"
To address what someone else said, I don't feel guilty about leaning toward not having kids. But again, sometimes I get a bit of a paternal itch. I realize that our parents won't be around forever, and our siblings and friends are already going on their separate paths.
You can't blame a person for thinking this through so carefully. It's likely the biggest decision one will ever make in his life, aside from his choice of a life partner.
With over 7 billion people on the planet only an idiot would think every single one is gonna do the same thing. Some people need to use the brain "God" gave them instead of repeating words they "think" he said.
That's why this world is over populated with a bunch of mentally dreranged, abused, suffering people. Because people are having kids when they probably shouldn't have.... just to be "fruitful"... instead of being responsible and loving. Not EVERYbody should have kids. This is more than obvious.
I'm interested in why you chose to phrase the two questions differently? From parents you asked only about the negatives of their decision and for non-parents you asked why they chose what they chose and if they had regrets. Couldn't you have asked the same from both? That alone tells me something.
Oversensitive much? Obviously OP wants to the opinions from both sides of the fence. As for the answer to OP's question, I wasn't keen on the idea of being a mommy in the first place. It seemed like too much work with little or no reward, and a lot of negatives on top of that. I even took an informal poll from all the parents I knew. I asked them what they got out of being parents. They all told me that being a parent was "fulfilling" but I also heard a lot of complaining: how expensive they were, how much stress the kids caused them, how little Timmy got sick with this or that, how hard it was to find a babysitter, etc. . .
So I decided to concentrate on my education/career and see if I might change my mind later. Many women told me that sometimes they don't want kids when they are younger but decide they want them later on. Not having kids when I was in my 20s ended up being a blessing in disguise. A few years later, I had a head injury that shattered any hopes I might have had of having my own biological kids. And had I had my own by then, it would have made their lives and my own much more difficult.
OP, you sound like you really don't want children. I suggest you don't have them unless you are 100% committed to having kids from moment one. They are a huge committment, and once you have them, there is no undo button. As a kid with an on again, off again father, I know from experience it hurts very deeply to have a flake for a dad. So don't become a parent if you're not sure.
Oversensitive much? Obviously OP wants to the opinions from both sides of the fence. As for the answer to OP's question, I wasn't keen on the idea of being a mommy in the first place. It seemed like too much work with little or no reward, and a lot of negatives on top of that. I even took an informal poll from all the parents I knew. I asked them what they got out of being parents. They all told me that being a parent was "fulfilling" but I also heard a lot of complaining: how expensive they were, how much stress the kids caused them, how little Timmy got sick with this or that, how hard it was to find a babysitter, etc. . .
So I decided to concentrate on my education/career and see if I might change my mind later. Many women told me that sometimes they don't want kids when they are younger but decide they want them later on. Not having kids when I was in my 20s ended up being a blessing in disguise. A few years later, I had a head injury that shattered any hopes I might have had of having my own biological kids. And had I had my own by then, it would have made their lives and my own much more difficult.
OP, you sound like you really don't want children. I suggest you don't have them unless you are 100% committed to having kids from moment one. They are a huge committment, and once you have them, there is no undo button. As a kid with an on again, off again father, I know from experience it hurts very deeply to have a flake for a dad. So don't become a parent if you're not sure.
I have a flake for a dad myself. My parents got divorced when I was only 3. Thankfully, he was never abusive (except on one occasion where he roughed me up pretty badly), but has had a spotty record to say the least. He pops in and out of my life every so often.
I would never want my child to go through the whole child support/alternate weekend thing like I did. It was really tough. Not getting a chance to see my parents together -- ever -- scarred me for life, I think.
It was a very relevant point. The two questions could not be written with more biased language, and the OP in fact answered his own question by wording them that way. Ironic for such a "wordsmith."
OP, there are many, MANY ways to cure boredom, and kids should not be something that scratches an itch.
If you have to talk yourself into it, you shouldn't be a parent.
On the one hand, I relish the low- maintenance life I have now. I am a hardcore introvert who needs his alone time and dislikes social gatherings. I have never been much of a kid person to begin with. I'm the youngest of 3 and didn't grow up around younger kids/babies. I am not stingy with money, as I frequently donate to charities, but I'll be the first to admit I am stingy with my time. Sundays in my book are for reading, writing, and watching TV.
However, I sometimes have paternal twinges that lead me to think that once I have a kid (I want a daughter), I will break out of my comfort zone and make my child the center of my universe.
The fact of the matter is that my risk-averse nature keeps me in check. There are so many unfavorable things that could happen when you have a kid (stress, less sex, child could turn out unruly or with health issues/disabilities, marital problems, etc) that I often ask myself why I would bother altering the relaxing, low-hassle life I have now.
1. For those of you who opted to have kids: Be honest. What are some things that you don't necessarily love about parenthood? Do you have regrets? Would you advise someone who's on the fence to think very carefully before taking the leap?
2. For those of you who opted not to have kids: Why did you choose not to have any? Are you happy with that decision, or do you at times feel pangs of regret?
Parent of three. 20, 18, and 15 years of age.
I love my kids. I am glad we had them. They enrich your life in uncountable ways, ways you just cannot imagine as someone without children. You will grow as a person, you will be much more in touch with life's rhythms, and you will come to understand your own life from the perspective of an adult looking backwards. It's really an interesting moment when the life of your child intersects with your own memories of being a child, which means that your memories of your parents intersect with your own awareness of life as a parent. It's a moment of unbelievable clarity, one that a person without children just cannot experience.
Being a parent also teaches you proportion. You quickly learn what matters and what doesn't in your life, for you find yourself discarding the superfluous and only keeping that which truly matters. You learn what you're made of in terms of patience, compassion, and love. Your core personality truly emerges. Being childless doesn't prevent you from understanding a lot of these lessons, but they are never so immediate and concrete, because how you think and behave doesn't affect anyone else nearly the way it does your own child. As one example, my wife used to love watching Sex In The City. Now she can't watch more than fifteen minutes of it, what with its self-centered, neuroticism. She simply doesn't have the time for it. She understands the destructive nature of their lives.
But I will be a happy person when we are empty nesters in about 2.5 years. For I will have part of my life back. I will have free time. I will not have to devote thought to my son's geometry homework. Or his messy bedroom. I realize that you never stop thinking about your kids, but I would like to think about other things.
My advice to you? There is never a perfect time to have kids. You will never have enough money or energy or time. Your life, your beliefs, your priorities, and so much more will change radically. There is simply no turning back. So if you wait for the perfect time to have them, it will never happen.
But that's not the same thing as encouraging you to have kids. Either you decide to have them or not. It is, ethically and morally, a neutral decision.
Everyone except for the mentally disturbed should have children. The Bible says to be fruitful and multiply. Human beings are supposed to reproduce; we are biologically designed to want children and it is essential to our survival. Thus those who voluntarily refuse to bear children are in a way, mentally disordered since they are refusing to align with their natural roles. Many first world nations have been having problems due to a low birth rate and high rates of childlessness.
Really? So my drug addict cousin who popped out five kids by three baby daddies and who doesn't take care of any of them should have had children because it says so in the Bible? There are many people who reproduce that have no business being parents and the children are the ones who ultimately suffer. If you need proof, go find a CPS worker and ask them what kinds of horror stories they can tell you.
1. For those of you who opted to have kids: Be honest. What are some things that you don't necessarily love about parenthood? Do you have regrets? Would you advise someone who's on the fence to think very carefully before taking the leap?
Parenting is hard work - you bet. There are challenges and sacrifices of all kinds. You have more restrictions on what you do, you have less money to spend, you have to have a bigger house. My biggest regret was even buying a minivan.
It is also one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. I've got three kids. I love spending time with them, seeing their excitement, hearing their dreams, doing things with them. I would not trade it for anything - ever.
Sure - I'd advise you to think about it, but not over think it. Being a parent is a big responsibility.
I know all kinds of people who wanted children, but were hesitant. Being a parent is a scary thing. But, I cannot think of any of our friends or family who have had kids that ever regretted it.
1. For those of you who opted to have kids: Be honest. What are some things that you don't necessarily love about parenthood? Do you have regrets? Would you advise someone who's on the fence to think very carefully before taking the leap?
Here's the kicker - I had kids when I was ready to make that transition and things were great in my life (emotionally, financially, relationship-wise...you get the picture). When I wasn't ready, I didn't have them. Regardless of any pressures from elsewhere or "biological clocks".
As a result of waiting until I was truly ready, I can emphatically say that there is nothing better than parenthood. Sure, there are stages that try us, but overall? I can't picture my life without my kids, just like frankly, I can't picture my life without my spouse. Yes, that bond is that strong - and as an independent woman, that is a lot for me to say. I have zero regrets. Zero.
If you do have regrets, then you have to ask yourself if you were truly ready to have children. Having children, just like getting married, is a transition. It is an adjustment. It doesn't make you a bad person if you step back from all the "goo goo gah gah" and think: Am I ready for this? it doesn't make you a selfish witch. You know yourself better than anyone. I agree that you should think very carefully because being a true parent is not a walk in the park. You are totally responsible for another human being and will have the most impact on that being's life. That child will be tied to you for as long as you are both breathing air. While they won't (hopefully) be dependant on you forever, they will need you in various ways throughout their life. I can't really articulate appropriately how special the parent-child bond is. Warts and all, it's potent. I continue to have a wonderful relationship with my mother, and I'm almost 40 and she's 66. The relationship has transitioned from parental to a respectful friendship.
Don't have children "just because". Don't have children because you think you're getting old. Don't have children because your parents/inlaws ask every Christmas when are the grandchildren coming (they aren't the ones having to deal with the tantrums and whatnot, lol.) Don't have them because you need tax deductions (joke). Don't have them because you need a hole in your life filled - get a dog. Don't have them because so and so is having them. Don't have them because a little girl makes a great accessory (another tongue in cheek joke)... you get the picture.
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