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My daughter did this to herself. She needs to learn from the dumb decisions she makes and how expensive and difficult having a child is. I no longer want to be responsible for her because if I have to spend another dollar on her, we'll all be on the streets. It's either her or us.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila
OK then, lets just wait for OP to come back. I feel as a mother she has done what she could. You feel that was not the case. So, I guess we have no choice but for OP to come back and confirm. If you do end up being right, I would humbly back off for not judging the person right.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maila
I said, she "probably" is blaming herself. I didnt conclude like many others that she "is" the one to blame.
If she had done all she could, why would she blame herself? If she blames herself why would she have said this?
Doing all you can doesn't include kicking your minor child to the curb.
I'm pretty sure you can't kick her out, she's a minor. You are more than likely legally responsible for her until she's at least 18 (could be older depending on the state you live in). Maybe there is a church or other agency that would be willing to help? Are you getting all the government benefits you're entitled to? If not, I'd sign up for those ASAP.
I cannot stand that term. Maybe she is proud and does not want handouts.
In this country no one is suppose to b entitled to anything other than what the Constitution stipulates. The comment should be, have you applied for "government handouts" because you are unable to pull your own weight and take responsibility for your own actions.
It is welfare (i.e. a handout from other peoples labor), and should be called as much. Furthermore, it should be expected to be paid back if the person gets on their feet and becomes successful.
As to the OP's dilemma, I agree with you that your daughter should be made to fend for herself if she defied you, and rejected the morals/values she was raised with.
Unless of course you permitted sexual promiscuity provided she use birth control. In that case, you do bear some of the responsibility since accidents can and do happen when kids are raised to believe sex is ok outside of wedlock.
I won't judge the OP for her parenting before this. That's water under the bridge and much we can't know. But, her response is certainly, completely, WRONG! The piece that really gets to me is the focus on the money.
Most of us know people that are struggling and some of us know people that are "dirt poor." I knew many growing up like that even though I wasn't quite in that situation - thankfully. But, those people pulled it off every hour, every day, every week, and every month to get their kids fed and get them to school. Even in some desperate times, I don't recall them giving up like this. And to this day, I would say 99% of these poor kids from poor families "made it out". Just sticking with it and taking it one day at a time allowed that to happen.
So, to the OP, I say please, please, get help. You are overwhelmed and don't know what to do. But, there are others out there that DO know what to do and they can help. Social Services, church groups, non-denominational charities! All of these are there to help when people just don't know what else to do. Go to those people until get some help, but most importantly - don't just give up on your daughter! That is the worst choice possible.
And a part of me thinks that if I knew this poor girl, I'd have no qualms taking her in to my home. Not sure I have a big enough heart to do this for a complete stranger and that's sad, but someone I know in "any" way, I'd like to think I'd be there to help.
Could we really do it? I realize that's not the intent of this thread, but it is something I keep thinking about.
If she had done all she could, why would she blame herself? If she blames herself why would she have said this?
Doing all you can doesn't include kicking your minor child to the curb.
As i said before, according to you she is bad mother and according me, just because her daughter fell pregnant, it doenst make her a bad mother.
You dont need to respond to this, because we already said what we have to say to each other and anything else is just going to be a waste of time for you and for me
EDIT: I reiterate, I am not saying tossing the child out is a good decision
As i said before, according to you she is bad mother and according me, just because her daughter fell pregnant, it doenst make her a bad mother.
You dont need to respond to this, because we already said what we have to say to each other and anything else is just going to be a waste of time for you and for me
EDIT: I reiterate, I am not saying tossing the child out is a good decision
I am not saying that she is a bad Mother because her daughter got pregnant.(That has happened in many good homes) It's her decision to just toss her daughter out into the streets, that I find heinous and pathetic, and totally lacking any humanity whatever.
Lol, you're so naive... But whatever floats your boat, I guess...
I hate to derail the OP's thread, so you should probably repost your comment to the thread I started about this exact topic --> When to talk to your kids about sex?
Trust me, at age 10 (4th or 5th grade) most kids know what sex is and at age 11 (5th or 6th grade) your daughter probably has heard a kid say something provocative like "suck my d***". I knew what those things were at that age, too; however, I wasn't interested in them. I was too focused on musical theatre, piano, and That's So Raven. And to this day, I cringe and look away whenever I see people doing more than a peck.
Do me a favor, when you finally do sit your kids down and talk about these things, ask them if they knew any of this stuff.
Our household has great open dialogue. My daughter, who will be 12 in a couple months, comes to me with MANY questions and I answer all of them honestly and openly. If she hears something at school, she usually comes to me to ask about it. If she hears something on the radio or on TV, she usually comes to me and asks about it. She knows she can come to me without shame to ask any question about sex/puberty - and DOES. So no, I'm not naïve about what my children may/may not know. What *I* know is that I'm doing right by my children by NOT talking about certain things before I know they are ready for it. With her, we talked about periods and pads and tampons about three years ago - because she asked about it. I probably would have waited a couple years until her early puberty started (I already had a book to read with her - it was on the shelf waiting for the appropriate time (I brought it down when she asked)). She hasn't started menstruation yet, but trust me - she's ready for it and is armed with complete information about what to do and carries supplies in her school backpack "just in case."
As for my son, he has asked me a few questions, but not as many as my curious daughter. But usually when I'm talking with my daughter, he's within earshot and hears what we talk about. I do know he has asked my husband a couple of "guy only" questions as well, which my husband has answered.
They both got the "where do babies come from" talk in their 3rd grade year, but there was no fully detailed description of exactly what happens between the man and woman at that time. An 8 year old doesn't need that information.
I heard stuff "on the playground" when I was a kid, too, and a 5 year old may ASK about how a penis and a vagina fit together because they heard something somewhere, but that doesn't mean they are mature enough to get a full descriptive answer.
She may very be the anti-christ OR you could be a terrible parent, I do not know so I reserve judgement. I would suggest more readers follow that advice, but they wont.
Anyway, You could go to social services and they have various resources that can deal with the child like making her a ward of the state. That will however, leave you open to review by social services, so if you ARE a terrible parent, they will deal with you accordingly, if your daughter is in fact the issue, they will have solutions and scenarios you may be able to use.
If she had a job and a means of provision, you could get her emancipated, like I was, but that does not sound applicable to your situation.
Personally, If her bad behavior was none damaging to the other children, I would use WIC and various other programs in her name to help offset the cost. At the same time, I believe you can force the parents of the boy (if he is under age) involved to pay child support, or if he is not underage, file and make him pay. Once the monetary situation was handled, i would set very strict rules and enforce them. Use the police to aid in that endeavor, (like curfew ect) It can be quite effective. This way you control the child and you have rights and are in a position to take care of the grandchild when it is time.
Location: Somewhere on the staircase wishing I'd thought of "that" sooner.
6 posts, read 4,259 times
Reputation: 42
I was a Medicaid caseworker years ago, specifically for Right From the Start Medicaid and Pregnant Women. At that time there was a category called "Three months Prior" Medicaid, which meant someone who is Medicaid eligible could apply for retroactive benefits up to three months in the past. Unlike ongoing Medicaid, each month is determined on that particular months actual income and other factors. For example, if your daughter usually made more money the month she went to the hospital, but lost a week pay due to her hospitalization then they'd use the exact amount of income she made that month. Also, your daughter and her fetus are now consider two people for the sake of determining benefits so the income limit is not determined for one, but at the higher income limit of two people.
Just take every bit of identification with you (SS card, license, birth certificate, pay stubs for that month or all you have for your daughter, proof of residence, etc) and go apply for Medicaid for both Three Months Prior ASAP to get that big bill covered. Since she's pregnant it's not your responsibility now. Feel better? And then also apply for ongoing Medicaid coverage for her and the fetus, which again are counted as two people and their eligibility is determined at a higher income rate. Also, that type of Medicaid for pregnant women and younger children is determined at a higher rate already. She might be covered for other benefits, as well, such as WIC (Women, Infants, Children).
Do not be too proud for these benefits. If you're a tax paying citizen (and other family members) then those are your tax dollars paying for it. The best thing to do now is ensure that baby is well cared for no matter if s/he's adopted later or not. Take any help or resources you can get, financial or not. Take care of that baby. It's really important.
People think welfare recipients continue on them for more money. They hardly get more money and it's not an easy life. We just often hear sensational stories. I think the real reason is that for the first two years of a baby's life the mother isn't required to work then when she is she rarely has much support. Suddenly she must pay for daycare (it's outrageous for even bad daycare), they often don't have transportion to get from job to job, which is usually how these young women work. They have so many obstacles to overcome they give up and have another baby. I have a son and wouldn't want to leave him in circumstances like those. In the time between the birth of your grandchild and the time your daughter must return to work full time I hope you can work out a plan - without judgement - to get her on her feet. Remember, she still has a teenage brain. Remember, when she's screaming and threatening she's really scared and just wants to know you love her. Try finding a support group that can give you ideas you might not have thought of, at least how to approach a situation, which can be key.
Please note that some of these programs might have changed since I worked as a caseworker but a cursory glance online makes me think it hasn't all changed. Just get down there with all of those documents to expedite the process as quickly as possible. Do not miss a deadline! And get the ball rolling on the one part you know can't hurt this situation. The financial aspect definitely affects those who've planned their pregnancy so it's a big one. Oh, and they'll also ask her who the father is and send his name on to begin collection of child support. This is not just one person's responsibility. It takes a village. Use its resources.
I don't think my table is off, at all. If you go online and look at what most experts have to say about the sex talk, then you'll see that my table is quite similar (and more detailed than most).
I'll start another thread on this because I don't want to derail this one.
ETA:
She probably got pregnant unintentionally (51% of pregnancies are unintentional). Notice how she never mentions a husband or her children's father (even though it's been asked several times). It's probably because she either sent him packing or her irrational decisions scared him away.
I would rather not go online and look at time tables for when to talk to my kids. For all I know, the timetables could be developed by the same people posting and responding on CD forum!
Know your children. Be deeply involved in their everyday life so you know what their maturity level is and can identify when they are prepared to be embarrassed by their parents (over and over again) with the necessary talks and information to enter their pre-teen and teen years informed.
I have read "experts" discussions on the topics, have attended parenting classes, trainings, foster parenting seminars, and more - all to realize that the typical PhD leading these ridiculous sessions have no children and are only regurgitating the same crap they learned in textbooks back to the public.
Maturity levels vary greatly. I know 15 year-olds that should be field generals for their ability to manipulate and maneuver other people. I also know some that at the mention of sex they fall into a squeamish pile of uncontrollable teenage nervous laughter. We have had three year old children that could lie like professional con artists while others couldn't verbalize beyond one word utterances. Putting the education on an age based timeline is dangerous and naive.
Kendra,
Wow!
Your a piece of work!
You know what? This is why she's pregnant,
she wants to be loved.
She would be better off not living with you, after all,
it's all about money, right?
If she were my daughter, she wouldn't be having a baby at her
age, I'll tell you that. I would look out for her best interest, not mine.
I know you are under stress, but I also think you should take a course
on parenting.
You might learn something, and could use it for the rest of your life,
Once your a parent, YOUR ALWAYS a parent.
Get it?
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Remove the emotion and use adult logic
