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I know this is a parenting thread, and I'm talking about my mother rather than children, but it seemed to be a fitting board for my situation.
I honestly don't know if my feelings are understandable or if I am a monster...
I'm 21 years old and I still live with my mother. My fiance of 5+ years moved in with us because things are pretty rough with his family. We pay our own bills and help with my mother's when she can't afford it; so, we aren't dead weight. We only live with her because we don't make enough to live on our own.
My fiance is currently working for corrections; he's working to climb up the ranks so we can get married and move out together.
Just a couple weeks ago, my mother finally got into the nursing program. She's only a couple weeks in and every single day she talks about how she might have to drop out! It really pisses me off because I recall a year ago when my fiance dropped out of college, she was a real ***** to him about it. Yet, apparently, if she drops out, it'll be perfectly okay.
At the moment, her main line of work is realestate. I know some people are good at it; but, my mother is absolutely terrible at it. She'll often go months without any income. She's antisocial and lazy, not realestate agent material. The market being terrible doesn't help much either.
Because of her poor decisions, she often can't pay the bills on her own; that's where I come in. But, I must admit, I really can't wait to move out, cut ties, and start my new life with my soon to be husband. I'm not pregnant, so there is no baggage there. I'm hopeful my mother will finish college and get A REAL JOB and be able to make ends meet without me; however, there's a dark cloud hovering above that makes me fear she will drop out... and, the best part, she expects me and my fiance to take care of her forever...
I really don't want to. I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life catering to her needs because she made bad decisions. Even my birth was the unwanted, unplanned mistake! I didn't ask for this... I didn't ask to be born... and I sure as hell didn't ask to struggle for the rest of my life.
Am I a bad person because I want to break free and start my own life?
If you keep living with your mom, then you are enabling her and she will only become more dependent on you. She must have been more able to provide for herself before you were old enough to work. If you're not there to help her out, she will go back to being more able to provide for herself. The longer she's dependent on you to help her make ends meet, the harder it will be for her when you do decide to move out. And at some point you'll end up having a child and then you'll never feel like you can afford to move out.
If you really feel like you can't afford to move out, then you should quit complaining about your mother. It will only make you feel worse.
She will land on her feet. Is there any way at all to move out now? I mean, lots of 21 year olds have lowish wage jobs and keep afloat on their own.
If it isn't in the cards now, then I would make sure to have an outline planned on you moving out, and casually let your mom know thats the plan.
Kudos to you for having sense to wait until adulthood to get married, and being responsible and having the money to do it. And to wait to have kids. Those are good decisions in my book
No you are not a bad person, you're not selfish, you're are doing what children are supposed to do; leave and start their OWN lives. You're mother obviously has issues that she will have to work out, and they are not your responsibility. It seems like the roles have switched a bit and you are the parent in the situation. With that said, if she was your child, what would you do? I'd encourage her independence, make sure she has the resources to know her options but at the end of the day, its on her--not you. She may need to hit rock bottom before coming back up. I've been through this myself to a lesser extent and its a terrible position she's put you in. Does your mother have any mental health/depression issues?
If you keep living with your mom, then you are enabling her and she will only become more dependent on you. She must have been more able to provide for herself before you were old enough to work. If you're not there to help her out, she will go back to being more able to provide for herself. The longer she's dependent on you to help her make ends meet, the harder it will be for her when you do decide to move out. And at some point you'll end up having a child and then you'll never feel like you can afford to move out.
If you really feel like you can't afford to move out, then you should quit complaining about your mother. It will only make you feel worse.
verbatim what I would have said.
And this crap about "I didn't ask to be born" shows a very low level of maturity.
Your mother managed to stay afloat the thirty years before you started helping her. You are not her parent or keeper. Live your life and don't feel guilty. If you continue to help her, you are only enabling her and making things worse.
I know this is a parenting thread, and I'm talking about my mother rather than children, but it seemed to be a fitting board for my situation.
I honestly don't know if my feelings are understandable or if I am a monster...
I'm 21 years old and I still live with my mother. My fiance of 5+ years moved in with us because things are pretty rough with his family. We pay our own bills and help with my mother's when she can't afford it; so, we aren't dead weight. We only live with her because we don't make enough to live on our own.
My fiance is currently working for corrections; he's working to climb up the ranks so we can get married and move out together.
Just a couple weeks ago, my mother finally got into the nursing program. She's only a couple weeks in and every single day she talks about how she might have to drop out! It really pisses me off because I recall a year ago when my fiance dropped out of college, she was a real ***** to him about it. Yet, apparently, if she drops out, it'll be perfectly okay.
At the moment, her main line of work is realestate. I know some people are good at it; but, my mother is absolutely terrible at it. She'll often go months without any income. She's antisocial and lazy, not realestate agent material. The market being terrible doesn't help much either.
Because of her poor decisions, she often can't pay the bills on her own; that's where I come in. But, I must admit, I really can't wait to move out, cut ties, and start my new life with my soon to be husband. I'm not pregnant, so there is no baggage there. I'm hopeful my mother will finish college and get A REAL JOB and be able to make ends meet without me; however, there's a dark cloud hovering above that makes me fear she will drop out... and, the best part, she expects me and my fiance to take care of her forever...
I really don't want to. I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life catering to her needs because she made bad decisions. Even my birth was the unwanted, unplanned mistake! I didn't ask for this... I didn't ask to be born... and I sure as hell didn't ask to struggle for the rest of my life.
Am I a bad person because I want to break free and start my own life?
You cannot be taken advantage of unless you allow it to happen so quit allowing it to happen.
Do what you need to do to move out now and don't wait for her to drop out and expect you to continue to support her.
You are the only reason you are struggling in your life so do what you need to do for yourself or continue to live like you are and blame no one but yourself for your choices in your life.
How did your mom do it before? Move out and take care of yourself.
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