Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This won't be a popular answer....As a kid, I remember always testing my parent's tolerance. I would never talk back, or act out in public. What I did do, was get into things, that were dangerous. I was yelled at, and the tool of choice for my worst, was a spanking with a wooden spoon. I was the oldest, and the kid who taught them how to handle my younger brother and sister. I didn't realize why my parents would go off, for some of the things I did. Only after I got older, did I realize, I scared them to death. I used to want to be a daredevil, so I did extreme things. Climb up in trees, and the roof, and jump off....at age 9/10. I did it for fun, never thinking I'd get hurt. But a few broken ankles, broken arm, stitches above my eye, and reattachment of my tongue, and I'm sure they thought I was out of control. Finally in junior high, I realized what the problem was, and began to approach life with caution. By the time I got there, the use of the wooden spoon had lost it's effectiveness.
My childhood had a part with me deciding to get a vasectomy. I could only imagine having a nightmare of a child like me, to repay for what I did to my parents. Everyday, when I hear a kid whining, screaming, and talking back to a parent, I wonder how you can say that all kids can be raised without using tactics of the past. IMO, there are kids, who need to be spanked. Reasoning may work with some, but not all. It's obvious, by the way I see kids disrespect their parents in public. Tantrums being used when mommy or daddy doesn't buy them what they want. I can only feel guilty, for the things I put my parents through. So every time I witness that behavior, I appreciate that decision I made years ago. Obviously the passive approach to parenting isn't very effective for a percentage of children today.
If a child doesn't listen, acts out, and continues to get into trouble, obviously reasoning isn't working. I don't see how using a form of punishment, that has immediate impact, is such a bad thing. If my parents spanked me with more force than they did, I would have seen the light a lot sooner.
To the OP, aren't you at an age that the spankings, hitting isn't really painful anymore? I think by 7th grade, I was big enough to where my mom could have used a pipe, and it wouldn't have hurt me. I have seen two friends get punished by their dads, when they were a too old to receive it. When that day came, dad learned to never use those tactics again. He also learned he shouldn't have done it, when their son's friend was with them.
OP, don't let any of the sheep on here let you think that what you're going through is ok. If you read their posts, they're kind of irrational. Note that two of the posters most dismissive of your mother's methods have deliberately opted out of having children and apparently don't like children. Neither of those stances is all that odd (I'm happily childless myself, although I get along great with kids), but considering there are two people on this thread holding those exact views who were also physically abused as children... well, it's kind of telling.
Your emotional distress is very clear in your post. For your own benefit, I think it's time to write your mom off emotionally, no matter what other actions you take. She doesn't matter. She is broken, and she will never give you the parental love that you deserve. You need to work on forming strong relationships elsewhere in your life. If you don't have other close friends, learn how to build strong friendships. Reach out to the more functional members of your family. Populate your life with people who are a positive influence and bring good things into your life.
Now, this is work, especially for someone who has had a dysfunctional upbringing like you have. I really think you need to embark on a self-care plan to deal with what you're going through and to walk back the damage your mother has already done. I would take up meditation and read from the works of the Dalai Lama (and no, I'm not just suggesting those things because you're Asian - I've derived a lot of help from both of those things.
You also need to cultivate your emotional intelligence. My mother was not exactly abusive, but she felt free to let me see the sides of her she kept hidden from others - I had to learn that the way she treated me (the person she claims to love the most) was not a model to replicate in any way with others. For example, she will say terrible and nasty things to me when she feels that I am "winnning" an argument - I learned that that was not the way to handle myself. I learned to treat others with the respect and kindness I wanted to receive from them.
As for what you should do about her abusiveness, I think you have a bunch of options - none of them an easy path. I think perhaps the best thing would be to find a way to live with a relative you trust and respect. If your mother objects, go ahead and call the cops and report the domestic violence. I really think you need to get out of the house though, because you sound distraught and stressed out. That's not a healthy scenario or one that is conducive with your future success. But foster care can be just as disruptive and stressful.
I would talk to your guidance counselor about what your options are for your future in terms of higher education or a vocation, but maybe not talk about the abuse until you know what the possible outcomes are for revealing that. Guidance counselors are mandatory reporters, I think. What is possible without parental support (I hardly expect your psycho mom has set aside any money for college) and what fields would make a college education (and associated loans) worth it? I would double down on your school work and develop a viable (but flexible) plan for your future. Reach out to possible mentors; look for internships and the like. You have all the tools necessary for success - you just need to stay focused and keep your mother from dragging you down.
OP, don't let any of the sheep on here let you think that what you're going through is ok. If you read their posts, they're kind of irrational. Note that two of the posters most dismissive of your mother's methods have deliberately opted out of having children and apparently don't like children.
Ever think that another reason why we chose not to have kids is because of persons such as yourselves telling us we'd be bad parents if we didnt coddle them and give them everything they wanted? That if they didnt do what they were told we're just supposed to shrug and say "Oh well, no big deal". Heck with that, even if i loved kids id just as soon not have any than to have others tell me how to raise them.
Just wondering why it is that so many people complain that we (America) are turning into a police state but everyone is so quick to let the police (and other agencies) control how they raise their kids.
Ever think that another reason why we chose not to have kids is because of persons such as yourselves telling us we'd be bad parents if we didnt coddle them and give them everything they wanted? That if they didnt do what they were told we're just supposed to shrug and say "Oh well, no big deal". Heck with that, even if i loved kids id just as soon not have any than to have others tell me how to raise them.
Just wondering why it is that so many people complain that we (America) are turning into a police state but everyone is so quick to let the police (and other agencies) control how they raise their kids.
If you think the way you were raised was just dandy, then yes, it is better you didn't have kids.
A police state? Really? No, it's mainly that kids aren't chattel - they're individuals with rights of their own.
Not using physical discipline on your children is not coddling them. That you think so is really sad and depressing. And kind of raises some questions about your own ability to use logic. Why is it you either use physically lay hands on your kids or you're coddling them and giving them everything they want? Are you truly unable to see that there is a middle ground between the two that involves cultivating respect through limits, rules, expectations and consequences?
My father never laid a hand on me. His expectations of me and the boundaries for my behavior, however, were always crystal clear and he was actively involved in my life. I worked my butt off on the family property and graduated at the top of my class, because disappointing him was never an option. He often grouses about how I never rebelled enough.
Huh. Funny how all that "coddling" led to a successful and happy life. It's hard work to raise a kid like that though - much easier to smack them with a belt to keep them in line than to pay attention to your own behavior.
I see one of my own relatives who was a hellraiser to the first degree and raised by parents who couldn't be bothered to use anything but corporal punishment early on, and after all that struggle, he turned his life around. His kids are being "coddled" - with rules, responsibilities and strict expectations for their behavior that are consistently enforced, yet never a hand laid on them. They've been at the top of all their classes since they entered school and are incredibly well-behaved. One is probably an actual bona fide genius.
Kids dont have rights until they turn 18. Only rights they have is to do what theyre told and be given food and shelter; thats it. I didnt have rights when I was growing up so why should any other kids? What makes them so damn special?
I never implied that parents should constantly beat their kids. What i believe is that when kids intentionally misbehave or show their proverbial butts to their parents then yes they should be disciplined (and that discipline should be left up to the parents, whether we see that way as right or wrong). You believe in a gray which is your right. However, i do not. You do wrong and you get punished. You do right and you either get rewarded or you dont get punished (why should kids rewarded for doing what theyre supposed to do in the first place?).
My mother was abusive also. It was bad. I didn't do anything to cause most of it. I got good grades, got a job when she told me to, took care of my sisters, did the housework, etc. My mother just had a need to lash out at someone, and I was there and unable to defend myself. When I got older, some of the worst things she did started to feel like they might lead to long-term damage (for example pulling my hair until I was on the ground, then kicking me in the kidneys until I peed myself) and I fought back and broke her nose once. After that, she mostly had my sister beat me and told me she'd call the police if I defended myself.
I tried telling the youth minister at my church that I was being abused. That didn't go well, they had us meet with the priest, and my mother gave him a list of all the ways I was supposedly sinning, and I got a long lecture about how I was making my mom treat me like that, then I had to go to confession and promise not to do anything that would make my mom beat me again. Then I got beaten when we got home for talking about family business to the church. I told the priest at my school and he offered me some whiskey and said he was sorry I had a bad life. I gave up after that, no one was going to help me.
I moved out when I was 18. It was the best decision for myself and for my mother. We're actually friends now, as strange as that seems.
My husband was also abused as a child, probably worse than I was. He's still so traumatized by it even 20 years later that he can't eat if his mother's in the room.
What I see here is a conflict between 2 cultures....I don't know much about asian cultures, but from what I have gathered they seem to be very driven, very competitive, where children have a loyalty to their parents, and parents see it as their job to raise a child who will financially support them in their old age, stay close to home, and be succeesful in a way that will be brag worthy to their relatives.
VS.
The US, the land of "follow your dreams","spanking is child abuse", "self-esteem is key", etc. It is no secret that this generation of kids is struggling. We as parents have not instilled a strong sense of responsibility, this is a very spoiled generation that has a great sense of entitlement and is very self-absorbed.
I feel like in your case, your mom is raising you the Burma way, and you have grown up the US way, and it's a total culture clash. By US standards what your mom is doing is abusive. Many of us were raised that way, though (I am 40 and yeah, my mom smacked me, insulted me, and compared me to other people). I think the only solution is to wait it out another year and a half and then leave. You're not going to change your mom, and she's not going to change you.
My mother was abusive also. It was bad. I didn't do anything to cause most of it. I got good grades, got a job when she told me to, took care of my sisters, did the housework, etc. My mother just had a need to lash out at someone, and I was there and unable to defend myself. When I got older, some of the worst things she did started to feel like they might lead to long-term damage (for example pulling my hair until I was on the ground, then kicking me in the kidneys until I peed myself) and I fought back and broke her nose once. After that, she mostly had my sister beat me and told me she'd call the police if I defended myself.
I tried telling the youth minister at my church that I was being abused. That didn't go well, they had us meet with the priest, and my mother gave him a list of all the ways I was supposedly sinning, and I got a long lecture about how I was making my mom treat me like that, then I had to go to confession and promise not to do anything that would make my mom beat me again. Then I got beaten when we got home for talking about family business to the church. I told the priest at my school and he offered me some whiskey and said he was sorry I had a bad life. I gave up after that, no one was going to help me.
I moved out when I was 18. It was the best decision for myself and for my mother. We're actually friends now, as strange as that seems.
My husband was also abused as a child, probably worse than I was. He's still so traumatized by it even 20 years later that he can't eat if his mother's in the room.
Okay, now stuff like that i would say is definitely child abuse and unwarranted beatings. What im against is when kids are told to do something and they have the "Oh, i cant be bothered with that/i dont like being told what to do/etc" attitude and then when they get punished they come back with "I didnt do anything to deserve that. Im being abused". More often than not kids are going to conveniently leave out all the stuff that makes them not look so innocent. Kids manipulate and imo society is empowering them even more these days.
To the OP, if you dislike how things are going at home then my best advice is to be away from home as much as possible. Do what youre told when youre there and take any opportunity you can to get away. Go to the libray to study, go to a friend's house, get on your bike and ride around, go to the park and read/study, heck even get a part time job. Stuff like that is what i did. My parents plenty of times said "if you dont like being told what to do then dont be around to be told anything". So thats exactly what i did. i got up, went to school, came home, and once my chores/homework was done my butt was out of the house and gone until curfew or i got off work (and I was even younger than you).
This just came to me: To the OP, how would you prefer things to be? How would you prefer that your Mother handle things/punish you? Would anything on your end change? If you prefer that your Mother talk to you instead of hit or yell at you would you change your tune (so to speak) or would you just keep on doing as you are now?
Speaking of which, where is little miss one post OP?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
