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OP, I hate to see some others tone in this but I do feel your pain. Yes we are getting one side of the story but if you fed, clothed, bathed, provided a stable life for your children who are now seemingly fuctional adults you're a hero and it is a shame that your children don't acknowledge you and your husband (their parents) for that. But yet they will probably be the same ones knocking down the attorneys door trying to scrap up every crumb you and your husband have once you kick the bucket in the future. It happens.
My suggestion is as much as it hurts is to let them come to YOU. You are not doing yourself or your children a service by continuously being there for them when they clearly don't want you a part of their existence. Volunteer, garden, find hobbies to keep you both busy. Trust me life has a way of turning things around and they'll see it sooner or later come back on them.
Providing the basics of life is nothing to be awarded for. That is your job as a parent. Children need emotional investment as well.
It isn't always the parents. Parents can have a good relationship with their children, until they take a spouse. If the spouse isn't interested in integrating into the in-law's family, then very often, the relationship suffers. Been there, lived to tell the story.
This is true. I don't think the OP gives enough info. It really isn't possible to give advice without knowing both sides of the story.
That's what I was going to say. It is possible to provide all those things and still be emotionally abusive or neglectful.
My mother always made sure we had clean clothes, our house was spotless, we were always at school on time and she bought us lots of Christmas presents every year, a room full.
But she was emotionally distant. She didn't want us hugging her, cuddling with her, hardly kissed us and acted like we were a pain to be around. She was snarky and sarcastic. She'd tell everyone else how wonderful we were yet couldn't be bothered to tell US the same. So it felt more like she looked at us like trophies rather than being genuinely proud of who we were and what we accomplished.
On the outside, my mom was mother of the year. The day to day was much different.
I agree, there has to be something and I'd love to have that discussion and clear the air, but when we are not given that opportunity what can we do? As far as nuturing a damaged relationship, it still needs to be two way, we did desperately try to keep the lines of communication open. At some point, I felt that there was far more harm being done asking our son to choose between his wife and us. I was inspired by the story of King Solomon when he was faced with two women who each claimed to be the real mother of a baby, his solution was to cut the baby in half and give each one a half. He knew the real mother would never allow her baby to be harmed, even at the risk of losing it. That's how we felt, we loved our son and grandson to the point we didn't want them to have to make that choice, so we made the sacrifice and quit pulling on them. It's been the hardest thing in our life, was it the right decision?
I'm curious to know more about this. Why would he have to choose?
My mother always made sure we had clean clothes, our house was spotless, we were always at school on time and she bought us lots of Christmas presents every year, a room full.
But she was emotionally distant. She didn't want us hugging her, cuddling with her, hardly kissed us and acted like we were a pain to be around. She was snarky and sarcastic. She'd tell everyone else how wonderful we were yet couldn't be bothered to tell US the same. So it felt more like she looked at us like trophies rather than being genuinely proud of who we were and what we accomplished.
On the outside, my mom was mother of the year. The day to day was much different.
I had a similar experience. It took me 35+ years to see decades of day-in, day-out emotional neglect for what it was. It was a little different than you describe, but similar. I'm not estranged from my parents, and neither is my husband, but I can see how it can happen over what seems like nothing to one party, but was a very big deal to the other. Part of it is never forming an adult relationship with one of my parents, and always being treated like a child and put in my place because everything I did somehow reflected on them. To the parent, that seems ok. To the adult child, not so much.
I have a feeling the OP didn't just let their kids grow up and have their own lives. Just a hunch, though.
I had a similar experience. It took me 35+ years to see decades of day-in, day-out emotional neglect for what it was. It was a little different than you describe, but similar. I'm not estranged from my parents, and neither is my husband, but I can see how it can happen over what seems like nothing to one party, but was a very big deal to the other. Part of it is never forming an adult relationship with one of my parents, and always being treated like a child and put in my place because everything I did somehow reflected on them. To the parent, that seems ok. To the adult child, not so much.
I have a feeling the OP didn't just let their kids grow up and have their own lives. Just a hunch, though.
The issue was partly the actual emotional neglect but the bigger issue was even after confronting my mother about this issue with my siblings she still refused to acknowledge we had a point. We weren't asking her to say we were 100% right. I'm sure, even now, I remember things in a way that is biased or too harsh on my mother. But, damn it, there were major issues in our house and for her to completely ignore it, after dozens of conversations about it, well, its too much. I simply can not be around her for long periods of time because her memories are, IMO, delusional. They do not match up with what we remember.
Even though mom was working that much if she failed to carve out ANY time for her child, even an hour a week, she was wrong. .
Really? So what should she have done? Quit her jobs and took her children to beg on the street for food and money? Oh at least they would all be spending time together then, right?
Seriously, be realistic. Single moms have it very very hard. They have to be sole breadwinner and the only parent. They barely have time for anything, some of them, if they can't get a good job. Working numerous part time jobs to put food on the table and provide a home for your children is not easy.
What an insensitive comment Magritte.
The person I am talking about is someone who felt her mother didn't spend enough time with her, but she completely failed to acknowledge the fact that her mother kept them out of an orphanage, and provided them a home with food and clothes and an education. Faulting her mother for not spending time with her, when her mother was at work to support them, is really immature thinking.
Really? So what should she have done? Quit her jobs and took her children to beg on the street for food and money? Oh at least they would all be spending time together then, right?
Seriously, be realistic. Single moms have it very very hard. They have to be sole breadwinner and the only parent. They barely have time for anything, some of them, if they can't get a good job. Working numerous part time jobs to put food on the table and provide a home for your children is not easy.
What an insensitive comment Magritte.
The person I am talking about is someone who felt her mother didn't spend enough time with her, but she completely failed to acknowledge the fact that her mother kept them out of an orphanage, and provided them a home with food and clothes and an education. Faulting her mother for not spending time with her, when her mother was at work to support them, is really immature thinking.
I was a single mother. Its not insensitive. Its reality. You MUST carve out time for your children no matter how busy you are. It is imperative to do so. When my older son was a baby, bed time was a special time. He got his bottle and a bed time story every night without fail. Was I tired? HELL YES. Did I always feel like reading him a story? HELL NO. But I did it because, IMO, emotional ties are just as important as physical ties.
You may think it is immature but children need and want their parents emotional security as much as they crave the physical security. Check out Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
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