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Old 02-04-2015, 02:12 PM
 
Location: Denver, Colorado U.S.A.
14,164 posts, read 27,157,142 times
Reputation: 10428

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25 View Post
Amen. That is my takeaway from my relationship with my own mother. Friends of mine don't agree with me but I have a standing policy with my children to be honest with me about any issues in our relationship. I want to know if I've said something to hurt them or if I am being annoying or whatever. Yes, many children think normal things parents do are annoying but if my tone is bad or I've said something wrong, I want it to be brought to my attention. Lord knows I am far from perfect. I'd rather my children be up front with me than lose out on time with them because of a misunderstanding.
I tried that with my mom last year and got a verbal beat-down! My mom won't even let me begin to criticize her behavior, let alone consider it. I can't recall one time in my life when she said "I'm sorry". Not that she was a horrible mother... there are much worse out there. But we've never had a relationship. She doesn't even know what I do for a living
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Old 02-04-2015, 02:23 PM
 
Location: North America
14,204 posts, read 12,244,050 times
Reputation: 5565
Quote:
Originally Posted by denverian View Post
I tried that with my mom last year and got a verbal beat-down! My mom won't even let me begin to criticize her behavior, let alone consider it. I can't recall one time in my life when she said "I'm sorry". Not that she was a horrible mother... there are much worse out there. But we've never had a relationship. She doesn't even know what I do for a living
That's very common with parents like that. They really believe they were good parents in their eyes. And maybe they were compared to how they were raised. That's not to say that your grievances are incorrect, just that she might feel she was a great parent due to other factors.
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Old 02-04-2015, 02:48 PM
 
13,978 posts, read 25,884,394 times
Reputation: 39902
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
I have to totally disagree with this.

My son stayed home for another 18 months after his sister left but in the end, he does everything she says.

So he left too.

I blame him LESS because he's still only 18, a virtual child.

I abused neither of my kids, I loved them to death and put them first above all else every single day of my life.

I said I have no idea why, and its true.

There has never been any finger pointing, you did this, you did that, never ANY REASON AT ALL.

Just silence.

It is incredibly painful and incredibly common. I actually feel like my children died and have spent the last 4 years grieving for them, and they don't seem to have missed a beat.
It is incredibly common. There is a very long thread in the Retired forum, of parents who have gone through it. But, if your children are close enough to influence each other, then I think you did do something right. In our case, my other two boys did not support their brother's estrangement, although I encouraged them to stay in touch. When our DIL invited them to meet our grandson, they told her not until the whole family was welcomed to do so. We all met him together, but it took months.

When our children are young, their world revolves around us. Once they marry, the orbit changes. Parents need to be prepared for that. It isn't easy.
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Old 02-04-2015, 03:42 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,094,623 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
It is incredibly common. There is a very long thread in the Retired forum, of parents who have gone through it. But, if your children are close enough to influence each other, then I think you did do something right. In our case, my other two boys did not support their brother's estrangement, although I encouraged them to stay in touch. When our DIL invited them to meet our grandson, they told her not until the whole family was welcomed to do so. We all met him together, but it took months.

When our children are young, their world revolves around us. Once they marry, the orbit changes. Parents need to be prepared for that. It isn't easy.
Your son came around relatively quickly, thankfully. The op has been in this boat for 8 years. That's a long time. I see your situation and his differently.
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Old 02-04-2015, 04:07 PM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,901 posts, read 42,616,681 times
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My husband's older sister has been estranged from their father and stepmother for about 15 years, after learning of the abuse he suffered. (She lived with their mother, while he lived with their father.) He and their younger sister have forgiven them to the extent of speaking to them and spending the occasional holiday together. Older sister won't-- they're dead to her. Her children are 12 and 8, and my in-laws have never met them.
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Old 02-04-2015, 04:43 PM
 
Location: Warren, OH
2,744 posts, read 4,220,325 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pitt Chick View Post
Exactly.
Any estrangement post claims they did nothing wrong. But something was done/said that hurt others.

It is sad that the son will not express why he is hurt when directly asked. Maybe he knows that nothing will come of it...

You are being really judgmental. Not every parent who is estranged from an adult child is at fault.

My son is 27. He is from my first marriage. At an early age he decided that he was going to "break apart" my marriage to my current wife. He extorted money from my business ran up enormous credit card bills. He committed many crimes - and I had to bail him out. Sometimes literally.

Still, I wanted to help him. Pay for therapy. Send him to a drug treatment facility. (he was and is a drug abuser) He and his mother's family denied there was a problem.

He will have nothing to do with me. At first, I was hurt. However, it's been almost 10 years.

I don't need the drama.

I know an adult man, a friend, whose elderly father wants nothing to do with him because he left their extremely strict religious sect. Like me, he is open to a relationship. They are not.

Sometimes things are not what they seem.
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Old 02-04-2015, 04:47 PM
 
13,978 posts, read 25,884,394 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Your son came around relatively quickly, thankfully. The op has been in this boat for 8 years. That's a long time. I see your situation and his differently.
I don't. The impetus for my son reconnecting with us was the death of my brother in a motorcycle accident, which gave him the slap upside the head I was reluctant to deliver. If my brother was still alive, I can't say our situation wouldn't be comparable to the OP's.
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Old 02-04-2015, 04:50 PM
 
Location: here
24,873 posts, read 36,094,623 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
I don't. The impetus for my son reconnecting with us was the death of my brother in a motorcycle accident, which gave him the slap upside the head I was reluctant to deliver. If my brother was still alive, I can't say our situation wouldn't be comparable to the OP's.
I'm thankful something positive could come out of your family tragedy. I'm sorry that's what it took.
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Old 02-04-2015, 06:52 PM
 
28,164 posts, read 25,227,386 times
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Mattie, is this the son whose wedding was the topic of one of the most epic threads CD Parenting has ever seen? I think I was pretty harsh with you on that one. In retrospect, I do think your situation was different than many of those we are discussing here.
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Old 02-04-2015, 06:58 PM
 
Location: southwestern PA
22,392 posts, read 47,382,851 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by warren zee View Post
You are being really judgmental. Not every parent who is estranged from an adult child is at fault.
I did not say that every parent is at fault at all.

I DID say - and you quoted this but did not seem to read it - "Any estrangement post claims they did nothing wrong. But something was done/said that hurt others."

Not judgmental at all... but the truth.
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