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Normal is relative. Some families think its normal, some don't.
If this is an actual situation and not a hypothetical and you're concerned about it then you need to make some changes in how your respond to the behavior. And when they are calm provide them with some alternatives they can use when they feel the urge to be physical.
Its easier to teach anger management before it's become an ingrained behavior.
And don't let them watch reality tv where fighting and arguements seem to be the number one plot point. Even seemingly mundane shows. My 11 year old was watching a cooking one and they were just awful. Not physical but screaing and belittling. She's no longer allowed to watch it, I don't want her to think that behavior is normal.
I agree thar fighting should be forbidden....never said otherwise...but someone starts it...and if you are going to punish the sibling that is being beat up....where is the protection of the other child? He's punished for bring his siblings target.
Why not find out what the problem is and solve that.
Because if the problem is fighting you need to solve the fighting problem. It takes two to fight. One beating on the other is not fighting. Someone asked about how to stop physical fighting. This is what I did with my kids. The did not grow up fighting because they soon learned that it does not pay to fight. They are grown up now (well two are) and they are all close and do not fight now (physically or verbally).
This is where I tend to lean but my husband thinks its wrong to punish both because, in his opinion, the aggressor should be punished. In a perfect world? Yes. But I don't know who starts it in many cases and I know that kids won't ever step up and say, "I did it!" Nature of the beast.
I think you have two separate goals here. One is to help them solve their problems. The other is to stop the fighting. To stop the fighting you need to forbid the fighting. It takes two to fight. So if one hits the other he gets punished. If the other fights back he also gets punished. If the one being hit does NOT fight back he doesn't get punished.
You still need to help them solve their problems. That should be done afterwards when all of you are calm. My kids fought when they were really little. As they grew up the still argued but we put an end to the physical fighting. When they were all living at home and the older ones were teens they stopped fighting. At 20, 18, 15 they really don't fight much when they are all home. I think it's because they miss each other now that the older two are living at school most of the year. They really enjoyed each other during winter break.
After the fact you can't always get into specifics...its more about finding out what bugs one about the other enpugh to cause a fight before the fight happens.. That is when you find out the actual issue...... when things are calm...not when they are being called out on the carpet for their misbehavior. Just after a fight they are going to be defensive.....you aren't going to get the actual issue...just a lot of emotion and bluster.
When they are calm...ask them...indivdually.....about what they like and dislike about each other.....let them be honest with no judgement.....then use that information to help them come up with alternatives that they can use to react when the other is being annoying.
Try to put forth a way they can ask for help if things are escalating.....not to tattle on each other.....but how to work out the problem fairly first.....most kids need to be taught this skill....but so many parents think they should automaticallly have it.
It's not a quick fix...there may still be the occassional dust up, especially at first.....but in the longer run you should see them finding out how to get along (even if they aren't best buddys) than going straight for the fight.
Of course.....you do need to make it completely clear that fighting will not be tolerated.
I agree with your first four paragraphs. How do you make it completely clear that fighting will not be tolerated without coming down hard on them for doing it?
That is the point....but kids need to be taught conflict resolution....not put them in a thunderdome and have the strongest win while the parent sits back and punishes both.
It isn't rocket science to figure out the cause of most conflict (not each indivdual fight....but the conflicts they have with each other overall) and give each the tools to handle what sets them off about the sibling or just issues at hand.
I think that allowing the fighting to continue, by not expressly forbidding fighting, allows the strongest to win much more than coming down hard on both for fighting. Remember punishing fighting is not the same as punishing one child beating on another.
Conflict resolution ALSO needs to be taught. It is related to physical fighting because the kids are more likely to lash out physically when they don't have other coping skills. However, I see it as a separate issue that needs to be taught in addition to just forbidding fighting.
In our home we don't have tons of rules. Since we don't have tons of rules we expect adherence to the few that we have. No hitting, pinching, kicking, etc. is one of the few rules that we have. We don't fight. It just isn't allowed and ANY of the kids who lash out physically are in big trouble. If one kid hits, that kid gets punished. If the other hits back, that is a separate issue and that child also gets punished. It didn't take them long to figure out that they could walk away from a physical fight. Just because someone hits you that does not mean you must hit them back.
Yup, it definitely complicates the situation when one kid just doesn't "get it" because he isn't developmentally there yet. My oldest is also ASD/ADHD; he is higher functioning, but is significantly delayed, so I always have to keep in mind that he may be 10 years old... but developmentally he is closer to 6 or 7 years old.
Check into counseling resources through the school: my son's school counselor offers social skills classes and it has helped a lot! They work through different role-playing scenarios that teach special needs kids how to model appropriate reactions to social situations, making good choices and bad choices, recognizing social cues that the other person is getting pissed off, learning how to tell someone that they need time alone; that sort of thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magritte25
You could be right. Two immediate things jumped in my head as I read your post. My work schedule and my younger son's intellectual struggles. He has ADHD and autism (extremely high functioning, in a mainstream class 100% of the time).
I only remember ever getting into one physical fight with my brother. Back in High School I decked him. He turned his head and I hit the side of is head and fractured 4 of my fingers.
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