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I'm not a parent, but I know 13 is a rough age. But a kid who steals and then trashes his room and expresses no remorse? That's pretty extreme to me.
I think an evaluation by a shrink would be a good idea. And I also think you need to start doing some community service projects as a family. He's lacking in empathy, so he needs to see you guys demonstrating it.
Yeah, take him on the vacation. But I think you take him on the vacation with the understanding that his grounding is suspended because the vacation is about the family and not about him.
And if he behaves well for any extended period, you toss him a bone and relax some (a very little) of the grounding.
Look, from my perspective, when you're that age, sometimes it can seem pretty hopeless. Your body is changing, your social relationships are changing and the expectations of you are also changing. You WANT to be grown up, but you're not, and you're dealing with all this mundane stuff. It's frustrating and awful, even if your son's reaction is a bit over the top. He needs to be held accountable, but he also needs some rays of hope.
My wife and I are in a tricky parenting situation right now. We're not quite sure what to do about our oldest son, who is 13. We have been having a lot of behavior problems with him over the last few months, and he has been very disrespectful and mouthy, which I understand is fairly normal for his age.
But he is in big trouble now since Saturday, when he was caught shoplifting with two friends of his. Fortunately for him, since it was his first time in trouble with the law, the store released him to me and did not press charges or turn him in to the police. My wife and I are very thankful that they did not turn him in, and our son will be writing them a letter apologizing for the very bad decision he made, thanking them for not turning him in to the police or pressing charges, and promising never to steal again. He is in MAJOR trouble with us- we have grounded him for 2 months! He can't go anywhere except school and church. We took away his cell phone and all his video games, as well as his TV and computer privileges. Of course I was very disappointed in my son for stealing at all, but I am also disappointed that he has not shown any remorse for shoplifting. He has also be very mouthy and rude to my wife and I, and is mad at us because he is grounded. He cussed us out when we tried to talk to him about his stealing, and he trashed his room after we told him he was grounded. But he later calmed down and we were able to have a discussion with him, although he has still be very sullen and disrespectful ever since Saturday.
One problem with grounding him for two months, however, is that we have a family vacation planned for mid-march (when our kids are on spring break from school). We will be going to Galveston, TX for a week and staying in a beach condo. My brother and sister in law go to Galveston Island every winter for a week or two, but this will be the first time we have gone. They will be staying there with us for that week.
Since my son is grounded until April, this obviously presents a problem with the vacation. Should he be allowed to come on vacation? And if he comes along, should the grounding be enforced while we are there, or should we let him off for that week so he can enjoy the vacation with the rest of the family? I hate to exclude him from a family vacation, but at the same time his behavior has been atrocious lately, and I want to impress upon him that stealing is wrong and will not be tolerated. We did tell him he was grounded from two months so I don't know that it's a good idea to back down. But we also can't leave him home alone for a week, so we will probably have to bring him along and decide whether to let him off for that week or to enforce the grounding while we are on vacation.
Has anyone been in a situation like this before? What would you do if your child was grounded when you had a family vacation planned? Any advice on teaching my son not to steal? Thank you in advance and sorry this is such a long post...as you can imagine there's a lot on my mind right now.
Big deal..so he shoplifted. The only thing he did wrong was get caught. He should be slicker Next Time. And grounded? What is this, The Army? Let him go out, have Fun, And Get Drunk, like normal kids...thats how i do with my kids, and thats how was done with me...Lighten up.
Big deal..so he shoplifted. The only thing he did wrong was get caught. He should be slicker Next Time. And grounded? What is this, The Army? Let him go out, have Fun, And Get Drunk, like normal kids...thats how i do with my kids, and thats how was done with me...Lighten up.
I know you're joking and I hope nobody takes you seriously because otherwise this nice, calm, intelligent thread is gonna go downhill really fast.
Big deal..so he shoplifted. The only thing he did wrong was get caught. He should be slicker Next Time. And grounded? What is this, The Army? Let him go out, have Fun, And Get Drunk, like normal kids...thats how i do with my kids, and thats how was done with me...Lighten up.
You might want to consider having a sit down and creating a behavior contract. Both for the trip and for the remainder of his time on house arrest.
Grounding shouldn't end just because the time is up. Use that time to build better habits, and expect stellar behavior. If my kid is surly and uncooperative while grounded, the grounding just lasts longer....
Tell him he gets to turn a fresh page while on vacation. You won't talk about the behavior problems during the trip if there aren't any.
Of course I was very disappointed in my son for stealing at all, but I am also disappointed that he has not shown any remorse for shoplifting. He has also be very mouthy and rude to my wife and I, and is mad at us because he is grounded. He cussed us out when we tried to talk to him about his stealing, and he trashed his room after we told him he was grounded. But he later calmed down and we were able to have a discussion with him, although he has still be very sullen and disrespectful ever since Saturday.
That is a bit scary that he has no remorse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by QCDad
did tell him he was grounded from two months so I don't know that it's a good idea to back down. But we also can't leave him home alone for a week, so we will probably have to bring him along and decide whether to let him off for that week or to enforce the grounding while we are on vacation.
I think two months is too long of a punishment. What is keeping him in the house going to do for him but make him angry? I did make my 13 year old son once go to confession to a Priest when he did something very wrong. I would vote for community service. Two months is too much punishment.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Do not exclude him. That will only alienate him more. End his grounding at the start of the trip.
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I agree with that.
13 is a common age to try things out. My friends and I stole a bit of make-up at that age. I got a real scare one day and never did it again. Personally, I think you over-reacted.
We parents put ourselves in a pickle if/when we discipline/correct out of emotion.
I also think two months is too long. (however, a child in my home who trashes a room or talks back, let alone curses???? well every household is run differently and I assume this behavior isn't unique to this situation. Kids learn early on whats "passable" behavior.........and just couldn't happen where I live and breath).
Pegotty made some good points that I didn't consider to be judgmental in the least. I think its crucial to try to get to the "heart" of a child. Conversations that speak to intentions, motivations etc. I believe in the long run it's more effective than punishment per se but corrective discipline is often called for in addition to those talks. I was once a very punitive parent. I had to learn balance. Once we've gotten a decent handle on this parenting thing, the kids are long gone
I strongly disagree with the group punishment thingy. What happens in my home is exclusive to my home! There really is no further discussion concerning that! But, to each his own
Thank you to everyone who has responded. You have certainly given my wife and I a lot to think about. We have decided that my son will be allowed to come on vacation, and we will not strictly enforce the grounding while we are there. He still won't have access to a cell phone or computer, but we will not prevent him from watching TV. I have thought about what some posters have said about 2 months being too long. And I agree that it is a long time to ground a child, and all of us (my wife and I and the parents of the other 2 kids who stole) were perhaps a bit hasty when we settled on 2 months. Although the father of one of my son's friends wanted to ground him for 6 months. So we are thinking we may lift the grounding after 1 month if my son's behavior and attitude have improved by then, and if he starts to show some remorse for stealing.
I'm not a parent, but I know 13 is a rough age. But a kid who steals and then trashes his room and expresses no remorse? That's pretty extreme to me.
I think an evaluation by a shrink would be a good idea. And I also think you need to start doing some community service projects as a family. He's lacking in empathy, so he needs to see you guys demonstrating it.
Yeah, take him on the vacation. But I think you take him on the vacation with the understanding that his grounding is suspended because the vacation is about the family and not about him.
And if he behaves well for any extended period, you toss him a bone and relax some (a very little) of the grounding.
Look, from my perspective, when you're that age, sometimes it can seem pretty hopeless. Your body is changing, your social relationships are changing and the expectations of you are also changing. You WANT to be grown up, but you're not, and you're dealing with all this mundane stuff. It's frustrating and awful, even if your son's reaction is a bit over the top. He needs to be held accountable, but he also needs some rays of hope.
Thanks for your advice. I like what you said about doing community service as a family, I think it might be a good thing for us all to do. My wife and I have always tried to raise our children with empathy, but I admit we haven't always done the best job. This would probably be a good way to model some empathy for them. I don't know about seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist but if his attitude persists we will likely look into it. And yes, I remember all too well how difficult age 13 is from my own adolescence.
And I have already discussed stealing with my son (although he was mouthy about it and wouldn't really talk about it with me), and I have focused on how stealing is wrong and hurts the person who is stolen from rather than on how it embarrassed his mother and I. But I hope, as some posters have suggested, that out upcoming vacation might give us an opportunity for some man-to-man talks about this.
Thanks again to everyone who has responded. This is a difficult situation for our family, and it is the first time we have had to deal with anything as serious as shoplifting, so your advice is appreciated. I have also seen that we were perhaps to hasty and harsh at first.
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I know you're joking and I hope nobody takes you seriously because otherwise this nice, calm, intelligent thread is gonna go downhill really fast.
