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My wife and I are in a tricky parenting situation right now. We're not quite sure what to do about our oldest son, who is 13. We have been having a lot of behavior problems with him over the last few months, and he has been very disrespectful and mouthy, which I understand is fairly normal for his age.
But he is in big trouble now since Saturday, when he was caught shoplifting with two friends of his. Fortunately for him, since it was his first time in trouble with the law, the store released him to me and did not press charges or turn him in to the police. My wife and I are very thankful that they did not turn him in, and our son will be writing them a letter apologizing for the very bad decision he made, thanking them for not turning him in to the police or pressing charges, and promising never to steal again. He is in MAJOR trouble with us- we have grounded him for 2 months! He can't go anywhere except school and church. We took away his cell phone and all his video games, as well as his TV and computer privileges. Of course I was very disappointed in my son for stealing at all, but I am also disappointed that he has not shown any remorse for shoplifting. He has also be very mouthy and rude to my wife and I, and is mad at us because he is grounded. He cussed us out when we tried to talk to him about his stealing, and he trashed his room after we told him he was grounded. But he later calmed down and we were able to have a discussion with him, although he has still be very sullen and disrespectful ever since Saturday.
One problem with grounding him for two months, however, is that we have a family vacation planned for mid-march (when our kids are on spring break from school). We will be going to Galveston, TX for a week and staying in a beach condo. My brother and sister in law go to Galveston Island every winter for a week or two, but this will be the first time we have gone. They will be staying there with us for that week.
Since my son is grounded until April, this obviously presents a problem with the vacation. Should he be allowed to come on vacation? And if he comes along, should the grounding be enforced while we are there, or should we let him off for that week so he can enjoy the vacation with the rest of the family? I hate to exclude him from a family vacation, but at the same time his behavior has been atrocious lately, and I want to impress upon him that stealing is wrong and will not be tolerated. We did tell him he was grounded from two months so I don't know that it's a good idea to back down. But we also can't leave him home alone for a week, so we will probably have to bring him along and decide whether to let him off for that week or to enforce the grounding while we are on vacation.
Has anyone been in a situation like this before? What would you do if your child was grounded when you had a family vacation planned? Any advice on teaching my son not to steal? Thank you in advance and sorry this is such a long post...as you can imagine there's a lot on my mind right now.
You've answered your own question. At 13, he's not only too young to stay home, he isn't trustworthy enough either. Are you willing to play enforcer for a week's vacation? It sounds miserable to me. I would probably let him do everything the family opts for while on vacation. I see no reason to give him use of a cell phone or computer there though, but I wouldn't want to spend my trip making sure he doesn't see any tv.
And then, have him pay back the week at the end of the 2 months.
You've answered your own question. At 13, he's not only too young to stay home, he isn't trustworthy enough either. Are you willing to play enforcer for a week's vacation? It sounds miserable to me. I would probably let him do everything the family opts for while on vacation. I see no reason to give him use of a cell phone or computer there though, but I wouldn't want to spend my trip making sure he doesn't see any tv.
And then, have him pay back the week at the end of the 2 months.
This seems like the a good idea. I hate to let him off punishment early, but if he makes it up by being grounded for an extra week after the 2 months are over I feel it wouldn't be letting him off as much. And you are right that we do not trust him to stay home (and even if he were more trustworthy I think he is at least a few years too young to stay home along that long). If we were to leave him behind, we would probably have him stay with my wife's brother and sister-in-law, but I hate to make them be our grounding enforcers. We could also hire a babysitter, but I don't want to make a sitter deal with being the "grounding enforcer" either.
I would bring him on the vacation. If he is having bad behavior, he may get into more trouble with his caretakers while you are away, which could cause you to need to return home early.
Maybe some time with family will help him loosen up and come clean if there is something going on - bullied, drugs, trouble with school, girls, self image... You may get a good opportunity to talk now that things have hopefully cooled since the shoplifting incident.
You've answered your own question. At 13, he's not only too young to stay home, he isn't trustworthy enough either. Are you willing to play enforcer for a week's vacation? It sounds miserable to me. I would probably let him do everything the family opts for while on vacation. I see no reason to give him use of a cell phone or computer there though, but I wouldn't want to spend my trip making sure he doesn't see any tv.
And then, have him pay back the week at the end of the 2 months.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RainbowHope
I would bring him on the vacation. If he is having bad behavior, he may get into more trouble with his caretakers while you are away, which could cause you to need to return home early.
Maybe some time with family will help him loosen up and come clean if there is something going on - bullied, drugs, trouble with school, girls, self image... You may get a good opportunity to talk now that things have hopefully cooled since the shoplifting incident.
He needs to go on the family vacation. Grounding is for TV, video games, friends, not family vacations. If you really feel the need, add on a week of grounding at the end.
Bring him on the vacation. He will be more trouble if he's left home, and he will act up in worse ways to try to get your attention.
Personally, I wouldn't tell him he was going to be included on the vacation at this point. Tell him he's broken your trust, and he will have to earn it back. Give him a list of things to do (fix whatever he broke in his room, outdoor chores, pick up the dog poop from the yard every day if you have a dog, etc.) and tell him if he does those things without complaining, and he's polite and respectful, you will consider bringing him along on the vacation. And then, end the grounding right before the vacation, thank him for his hard work, and go back to treating him like the kid you love.
I would not exclude a child from a family vacation. I also would not ruin everyone's vacation by imposing harsh punishment on him during the vacation. Vacation is a time for the entire family to reconnect and renew the family bonds. At his age you want to reinforce those bonds, not break them permanently. Many kids have issues at his age and many of them are alienated by their family. You don't want to do that.
It is important that he face consequences for his actions. You are imposing consequence. However, consequences should not interfere with the connection he feels with his family. Even if he is sullen (many young teens are) you don't want to allow that normal developmental phase to become permanent and to interfere with your relationship forever.
Take him on vacation. Plan a Dad/son only outing and speak to him man to man about his future. Speak to him as man would speak to another, younger man. Do not speak to him as a man to a child. Speak about how his actions as a teen will affect his options as a man. Let him know that he faces choices now that will affect him forever and that you want to help him make good choices. See how he reacts and see how he thinks you can help him. Really listen to his answers.
Good luck navigating this phase of your child's life. I still have one younger teen (15) at home so I feel your pain. Luckily, my older kids (21, 18) are past this age and I am able to have an adult mother/son relationship with them.
I would not exclude a child from a family vacation. I also would not ruin everyone's vacation by imposing harsh punishment on him during the vacation. Vacation is a time for the entire family to reconnect and renew the family bonds. At his age you want to reinforce those bonds, not break them permanently. Many kids have issues at his age and many of them are alienated by their family. You don't want to do that.
It is important that he face consequences for his actions. You are imposing consequence. However, consequences should not interfere with the connection he feels with his family. Even if he is sullen (many young teens are) you don't want to allow that normal developmental phase to become permanent and to interfere with your relationship forever.
Take him on vacation. Plan a Dad/son only outing and speak to him man to man about his future. Speak to him as man would speak to another, younger man. Do not speak to him as a man to a child. Speak about how his actions as a teen will affect his options as a man. Let him know that he faces choices now that will affect him forever and that you want to help him make good choices. See how he reacts and see how he thinks you can help him. Really listen to his answers.
Good luck navigating this phase of your child's life. I still have one younger teen (15) at home so I feel your pain. Luckily, my older kids (21, 18) are past this age and I am able to have an adult mother/son relationship with them.
Thank you for your advice. After what you and other posters have said, I think we will allow him to come along on the vacation and we will not enforce the grounding for that week. To be honest, when I started this thread last night, I was stressed out with my son's behavior, and revisiting the idea of excluding him from the vacation this morning, it sounds less reasonable.
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