Need to throw 18 year old out! (party, ideas, girls, smart)

[MarqueseGilmore]

Originally Posted by ksaunmt

My son is 18, we have constantly been in battle with him, since he was 5. He hated school, but he did graduate. He is now a lazy, unmotivated slug. Over the holidays he got kicked out of our home, he came back after a week, promising to change, and for a couple of weeks, things went well. Last night he stayed out all night again. One of our rules is to find a job and come home Sunday through Thursday. He chose not to. I know the right thing is to throw him out and stick with it, but my heart is breaking and I feel like I am dying. I don't want to do it. My husband says if we don't, I am enabling his behavior, I know he is right. How do I be okay with myself after it is done? I know he has nowhere to go, we live in a very cold climate, he has no job, his cars heater doesn't work and people do freeze to death here. How can I do it? I love him, but I am sick of being treated like this by him. Please give me advice, I need strength. I know it needs to be done if I ever want him to be an adult. Although he is consistent in saying "I am 18 Mom, I can do what I want". Help me, I need advice on how to be strong and do the right thing.

Thanks

I used to be who your son is. I was unmotivated and had no ambitions what so ever. UNTIL.......*drum roll please* one day me and my Mom had a dispute and I had to live in a homeless shelter. It showed me how real things can get. You have to take responsibility and show him how hard his life can be if he doesnt do right. I would take him to a homeless shelter in your town and have him volunteer and maybe spend one night there. That will change him because it changed me. good luck

[usmcfamily]

I have posted about this before. The military is not there to straighten out your child.

Take the military out of the equation until he matures!

If he matures and feels called to serve, that's another story.

[michmoldman]

My mom and dad went through this exact same thing with my brother many years ago. Many times it came down to blows with my dad, but he never gave in. One day he joined the service and they straightened his a** right out! Maybe some kind of intervention thing like they do on tv would be something to think about, to let him know he is loved and people are very concerned. Also like a previous poster mentioned to take him to a homeless shelter. Something serious needs to be done to "jolt" him into reality. My brother should have died at least a few times with the things he did before it hit him, he will die if he did not do something. That is when he joined the military. I truely believe he would be dead if he didnt.

[afoigrokerkok]

Originally Posted by MarqueseGilmore

I used to be who your son is. I was unmotivated and had no ambitions what so ever. UNTIL.......*drum roll please* one day me and my Mom had a dispute and I had to live in a homeless shelter. It showed me how real things can get. You have to take responsibility and show him how hard his life can be if he doesnt do right. I would take him to a homeless shelter in your town and have him volunteer and maybe spend one night there. That will change him because it changed me. good luck

The other posts so far today have been directed at OP's most recent post. The post you are quoting was from over a year ago. They have since thrown him out...as she said in her most recent post.

Let's try and help her figure out how to deal with the current situation...not the situation from a year ago.

[Donn2390]

He is an adult, give him a quarter and tell him to call when he gets his life together. Nothing you can do to help him. Trying to help him you are just becoming an enabler... Keep trying and he will drag you down with him.
You have to start raising a child at birth, not when he is twenty. It's too late now, so the ball is in his court. Don't spend any money or tears on him.
Tough talk, but I have seen it before, you can't help him don't even try...

[usmcfamily]

Originally Posted by ksaunmt

Wow! I just finally read all of the posts. We went through hell with my son in Dec 2007 Jan 2008, he got into trouble with the law. I have never experienced issues like that in my life. He got two misdermeaners basically for theft, I have two pet peeves in my home, no lying and no stealing, he did both. This is the most amazing part of his story. He is the son of my first husband, who he hasn't seen since he was 2. He has always been a difficult child, although usually loving, he would lie even when the truth was better. My current husband (who adopted him several years ago) and I were diligent on watching his behaviors, took him to therapists, multiple times, had meetings at schools, had so many issues. He is a red head and got bullied brutally, and he was in the time just before they really cared about bullying, plus his worst bully was the principal of the high schools son. I believe most of the reason he was bullied is because of his attitude, and it got worse with the bullying. So last January, I told him, get out you choose where. He went to my folks house in Oregon. Didn't get a job, then he got a felony, this is the saddest part. He was the most immature 18 year old I have ever met. I have another child, she is morally decent and communicates with us very well, as we do her. We are both at home all the time, my husband works from home and I don't work. So we always watch our children, we know who they hang around with and if they go to someones house we meet the parents go to the house, get phone numbers, verify an adult will be around. Just trying to be a good parent, somehow in spite of all efforts we somehow failed with our son. I do NOT condone breaking the law. He was celebrating his 18th birthday with a 15 year old in Oregon. He was smoking pot and they got the munchies. The kid he was with said "dude the school has food in it", so they walked into an unlocked door and got busted coming out. The 15 year old got expelled, nothing else, my son, being 19 now, got a Breaking and entrering felony, with a Burglary 2 charge. I have no idea what all that means, I refused to help him. We do not have major bucks sitting around to hire a lawyer. He plead guilty cause his court provided attorney told him to, so he got the felony, 18 months probation, no restitution cause they didn't break anything or get away with anything, 50 hours of community service, theft class, and a pot class. Now my son is basically "giving up" he says there is no hope for him. He is unemployable, he hates himself. He doesn't speak to me now and blames me because I sent him away. I disagreed with him, he made his choices. I don't think his punishment was correct for his crime, but I am a mom. In the meantime, I have this son who will be 20 in June, doesn't work, might go back to jail. Broke his arm in July, needed surgery had no benefits, didn't get surgery, smokes cigarettes and has the worst asthma. I have no idea why he is so self destructive, he is angry, hates me. Anyone out there know what you can do about a kid like this, trust me, this is NOT from a lack of parenting, this kid is genetically screwed up, he must be since his biological father rots in prison for drugs. My son does smoke pot, but he won't do meth. Well, thanks for all the previous posts, the military won't take him, felony and the asthma, broken arm and then a woman totaled his car in January by t-boning him and causing a back injury, he settled for $1,000. When will it stop? How can he get out from under this? I think he wants to, but even I have no idea what to say to him anymore.

Lost in fear about my son.

ksaunmt - wow. I am so sorry for your pain and your post was one of the most honest ones I have read on this forum. I have a friend who is also a great parent but having trouble with her 16 year old, most likely headed in the same direction as your son.

Has he been evaluated for depression/bipolar? Has he tried counseling?

Can he volunteer his time? Can he enroll in a trade school/community college?
Can he get involved in church activities?

Hang in there, do not give up. He is not a lost cause. He is still young. Take care of yourself, you are under so much stress.

[usmcfamily]

Originally Posted by afoigrokerkok

The other posts so far today have been directed at OP's most recent post. The post you are quoting was from over a year ago. They have since thrown him out...as she said in her most recent post.

Let's try and help her figure out how to deal with the current situation...not the situation from a year ago.

Thank you! I hadn't seen that until you pointed it out!

[afoigrokerkok]

The best advice I can give as I said before is to have him talk to his biological father. Arrange a visit to go see him in prison. Make sure his dad makes the details of that life very clear.

Offer to pay for counseling or drug treatment but nothing else. And do not allow him to return home. Also ask your parents to remove him from their home and/or at least talk to his probation officer about helping to find him a job.

[afoigrokerkok]

Originally Posted by usmcfamily

Thank you! I hadn't seen that until you pointed it out!

You are very welcome.

[texdav]

It doesn't matter if he is 18 ;when he lives in your house he has to live by your rules. Its a tough decision to uphold what you say but its what you have to do.But he is 18 and he can choose.Sounds like he never developed any self disaplend from not getting displended in the past. If so he believes that you are weak and will continue doing the same.I'd also say that since he isn';t working ;don't you wander where he gets the money to stayout all night ?