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My husband and I have 3 kids- a 23 yr old son living on his own, and two daughters- 20 and 18, both in school and living with us (one college, one HS). My 20 yr old daughter has so much going for her, she's beautiful, smart (Dean's list at college, always straight A's) but suffers from depression, and my husband and I suspect she might be a bit bi-polar. She has had an MIP, and one DUI. There is a history of alcoholism on my husbands side of the family, so we have always warned her about the consequences of drinking. My husband and I have encouraged her to get counseling and to see about getting back on her depression meds, but she won't pursue it. She seemed to be really working hard to try and get her life under control, and then she met her boyfriend. He seemed to be a nice young man, but they are like oil and water together and can't seem to get along for long. Which seems to be bringing on all her problems again.
I can't talk to her about her issues. She won't open up to us at all and lies to cover things. If you try to talk to her she gets angry. So her younger sister decided to read her diary to find out what was going on in her life. She came to us with what she found out because she was concerned. Talk of wanting to commit suicide, but scared to do it. Still cutting her wrists with a razor and hiding it. Taking molly at Raves, and getting stoned with her boyfriend and snorting Ritalin pills. Having sex in our house while we are upstairs.
None of this, of course, is acceptable to my husband and I, but how do we approach it? Her younger sister only read her diary because she was scared things were going on and she was going to lose her sister. If we tell her we know what she's doing, she will never trust any of us again with anything. This could ruin our relationships forever. At the same time, I don't know how serious she really is with the suicide thing because she seems pretty upbeat to our faces most of the time. But I would never want to chance it. How do we approach this??
She needs professional help and until then, maybe some tough love. You have to talk to her about it and lay down the law that while she lives in your house, those behaviors are not acceptable and she also has to get professional help if she wants to continue to live with you. You could also try forced commitment but I don't know what constitutes a need for that. The suicide threats are real and need to be treated as such.
We had a niece living with us who was a teen. She had a lot of mental health problems. So part of the requirement to live with us and have us pay for her life was regular therapy. It didn't seem to do much. But maybe she will go if you make it a requirement.
But....if she isn't willing to get help....you might have to step back and let her live her life
Our 18-year-old has been in a similar position as your daughter. Depression has been a part of her life for the last few years, but then she introduced cutting and purging within the past year. I think she finally got scared enough to unburden herself to us once panic attacks began. We got her into counseling/therapy and she was put on a variety of medications to help with the anxiety and depression. She was doing well for a few months, but then the lying began. Around this same time, she started back up with an old boyfriend. I certainly do not blame him, but the lying and not showing up to the therapists for appointments were not acceptable. We tried to reach out to her, but she began withdrawing from us. She would forget to take her meds and we had to come up with a way to make sure she was indeed taking them. We finally had to have a serious heart-to-heart talk after we found out about some serious behavior issues. Basically we gave her the choice to either abide by our rules (and we had them laid out on paper) or to choose to remove herself from our home and financial provision. She chose to move out.
It has been almost 2 months since she moved out. She has realized just how expensive it is to live in our area. She made the decision before moving out to halt all of her meds because she didn't think she could afford to pay for the prescriptions (even after we said we would continue supporting her with her mental health needs). It has been hard to watch. The anger and bitterness have returned (part of her depression), and verbal fights with the boyfriend have driven her out of her own home. But she is working through it! I am proud of her, but it is hard as a mom to watch your child experience such pain.
A part of me keeps hoping that she will decide to take an easier road and come back home, but I don't think she will now that she has experienced freedom. We shall see...
I am not sure why OP suspects "a bit bipolar" in the daughter. Depression and substance abuse is described, but nothing to do with mania. Did I miss something?
I would just tell your daughter that you love her dearly, and if she ever has ANYTHING she wants to tell you, that you're there for her and that you won't be angry.
Explain that if she needs help with anything, you can't help her if you don't know, and that she shouldn't be afraid to tell you.
I don't understand the part of your post that says about the boyfriend that "he seemed to be a nice young man"...what changed?
I think you and your husband should see a mental health professional yourselves first and ask them the best way to help/approach your daughter. You may only get one chance to do this the right way and I would certainly want the opinion of someone who is trained to deal with these type of issues to weigh in before I acted if I were in this situation.
My husband and I have 3 kids- a 23 yr old son living on his own, and two daughters- 20 and 18, both in school and living with us (one college, one HS). My 20 yr old daughter has so much going for her, she's beautiful, smart (Dean's list at college, always straight A's) but suffers from depression, and my husband and I suspect she might be a bit bi-polar. She has had an MIP, and one DUI. There is a history of alcoholism on my husbands side of the family, so we have always warned her about the consequences of drinking. My husband and I have encouraged her to get counseling and to see about getting back on her depression meds, but she won't pursue it. She seemed to be really working hard to try and get her life under control, and then she met her boyfriend. He seemed to be a nice young man, but they are like oil and water together and can't seem to get along for long. Which seems to be bringing on all her problems again.
I can't talk to her about her issues. She won't open up to us at all and lies to cover things. If you try to talk to her she gets angry. So her younger sister decided to read her diary to find out what was going on in her life. She came to us with what she found out because she was concerned. Talk of wanting to commit suicide, but scared to do it. Still cutting her wrists with a razor and hiding it. Taking molly at Raves, and getting stoned with her boyfriend and snorting Ritalin pills. Having sex in our house while we are upstairs.
None of this, of course, is acceptable to my husband and I, but how do we approach it? Her younger sister only read her diary because she was scared things were going on and she was going to lose her sister. If we tell her we know what she's doing, she will never trust any of us again with anything. This could ruin our relationships forever. At the same time, I don't know how serious she really is with the suicide thing because she seems pretty upbeat to our faces most of the time. But I would never want to chance it. How do we approach this??
You confront her. At this point her feelings about how you breached her privacy don't matter as much as her well being. She will be mad you read it, but that will fade.
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