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But then she had her own. She could not believe how much she adored her daughter. When her little girl was a month or so into life, her husband said to her one night, "I really love our daughter, but you will always be first in my heart." She said she was speechless because she couldn't return the sentiment. She said her first thought was, "If it came down to it, I would kill you to save her."
And again with people trying to rank who they love more. You love a husband differently than a child. One should not be more than another. You should love your husband fully (assuming he's deserving of it) and love your children fully, period. If it came down to choosing between welfare of one or the other, yes, I do think that a helpless child gets first dibs, because that's nature's course. That's why I'll never get women who do xyz bad things to their kids to "keep their man happy" or whatever. Uh, just no.
Babies pre and post birth ARE interactive. You can quiet late term fetuses with touch or even your voice. Babies, even newborns, react to you and interact with you.
I think only loving something that can love you back is a bit sad. Love, to me, is a verb.
I know people say that, but I didn't feel that way when I was pregnant. It felt as though an alien was in my body, and I hardly ever felt her move. I'd hear all these stories about babies kicking and people happily complaining that a foot got under their ribs or whatever, but that never happened to me. If I felt her once a day it was something. I would push around on my stomach every day to force the baby to move because I was certain it was dead. (And then when she was born...she never slept. Those stupid books claimed the baby will sleep ten or twelve hours right through the night...bs. My daughter slept five to seven hours at a stretch, tops, and finally slept through a whole night when she was three years old.)
I didn't want to let myself hope that she'd be born alive or that nothing would be wrong with her, so maybe I didn't let myself get attached, I don't know. It was also a terrible year, because the day I found out I was pregnant my mother-in-law found out she had terminal cancer, so my entire pregnancy was shadowed by an impending death, and my husband wasn't handling it well. My MIL died five weeks before her first granddaughter was born.
Then when she was born, it was an emergency C-Section. I was so terrified of labor and never had to deal with it, lol. I didn't see her right away and when they brought her to me, I wasn't allowed to lift up my head and I was still zoned on morphine, so I don't remember feeling much more than curiosity the first time.
But then...I started to nurse her, and we began to bond, and then after a couple of days we went home. A day or two later, my husband went off to work and left the two of us home alone, and those days stand out as the most wonderful days of my life. Those first few months when I was home with her on maternity leave, sitting up in the middle of the night with her watching goofy old TV shows and then seeing her smile at me for the first time...the very best days of my life.
And again with people trying to rank who they love more. You love a husband differently than a child. One should not be more than another. You should love your husband fully (assuming he's deserving of it) and love your children fully, period. If it came down to choosing between welfare of one or the other, yes, I do think that a helpless child gets first dibs, because that's nature's course. That's why I'll never get women who do xyz bad things to their kids to "keep their man happy" or whatever. Uh, just no.
Ha, well maybe that was a sign of things to come. They are divorced now.
I don't get that, either, about women harming their children to keep a man happy. Or even shoving their children aside to get or keep a man. I remember a woman I knew, divorced with three kids. She wanted to go on a date with this guy and her babysitter cancelled at the last minute. She left the three kids home alone. I think the oldest was eight. During the evening, the man asked about her kids and who was with them, and she finally admitted they were home alone. He was so angry he took her home and told her he had no respect for a woman who could leave her small children home alone.
I didn't like the kicking at all with my first. It felt like an alien, like you said, plus I was very ill throughout pregnancy and the kicking made me hurl. It was awful. My second felt a little more real, like, I know there's a baby at the end of this, but I wasn't particularly bonding while she was in utero. My third I thought was going to be my last, and thus I figured that it was the last time I'd be experiencing the kicks, so I tolerated it better. Plus the third would get seriously irate and throw a hard punch whenever DH put his hand on my stomach, or even talked sometimes, so that amused me. But they never felt "real" until after birth.
I didn't like the kicking at all with my first. It felt like an alien, like you said, plus I was very ill throughout pregnancy and the kicking made me hurl. It was awful. My second felt a little more real, like, I know there's a baby at the end of this, but I wasn't particularly bonding while she was in utero. My third I thought was going to be my last, and thus I figured that it was the last time I'd be experiencing the kicks, so I tolerated it better. Plus the third would get seriously irate and throw a hard punch whenever DH put his hand on my stomach, or even talked sometimes, so that amused me. But they never felt "real" until after birth.
My husband never got to feel her move. He didn't have much interest in the pregnancy anyway--I can look back and pinpoint my pregnancy as the time when our marriage began to die, although it took another eight years for me to get the courage to end it. Somehow the news that he was becoming a father flipped a switch that eventually turned him into a carbon copy of the nasty, abusive, drunk that had been his own father. But at the time, I would say, "it's moving (I didn't know the sex of the baby till she was born), quick, put your hand on my belly!" and he would, but she would stop moving before he could feel anything.
Even he fell in love with her when she came out, though! I have to say he truly loved his daughter when she was an infant and a toddler, before the growing meanness and his love for alcohol and drugs won. To this day, I know he still loves our now-adult daughter to the extent that he is capable of loving another person. So, right there is one answer to the OP's title question. This love is so strong that it often survives some hostile environments that would seem to prevent it from prevailing.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you, at all. Some people are more sentimental than others. You may find that your hormones overrun your rational thought, though, when you experience pregnancy, childbirth, and being a parent.
I did immediately love my firstborn child, in a such an all-encompassing manner that I thought I might explode from the emotion. My love was definitely unconditional and total, and it started before she was even born. She was alert and interactive immediately, which cemented the bond.
But I didn't feel that way about my second child, for some reason. She felt like an intruder, even though we had planned the pregnancy. She didn't seem to have as much personality as my first child. She was a quiet, solemn, almost sullen baby. Not as lovable, especially when I compared her to my first child, which I tried not to do, but it was hard not to. It did take time, a lot of time actually, to bond with her. It's not something people always talk about, but I didn't feel the same about her. Not that I ever treated her differently (not consciously, anyway) or was neglectful in her care, but it was done dutifully, not joyfully, as I had with my first child. It wasn't until she was a little older and more interactive, that I thawed a bit, and began to love and respect the individual she was. She's 7 now, and it's hard to remember that time. She didn't stay quiet and solemn, though. She's very outgoing, and definitely the nicest of my 3 kids, the most empathetic, generous. So I guess my lack of initial devotion didn't cause any permanent scars.
I appreciate your honesty. I read a lot of psychological literature, and I have read in a few spots that many parents feel that parenting is just a duty, and don't experience the joy from it that they had anticipated. I also believe that some parents do not want to say they don't like being parents. That would be like admitting they made a mistake. But a parent admitting to having these feelings doesn't equate to him/her making a mistake by choosing to become a parent at all, IMO. There can be a difference between not enjoying the parenting role itself and not enjoying your child as a person, I believe. Parenting can be (and is) a real drag. I think a parent can love and like his/her kid but not like all the work that comes with raising the child. Why not? A person can love becoming a doctor and not like all the schooling that goes into that. If parents do their job correctly, it's an unending labor of, well, labor
There's also the other side of it. A person can enjoy being a doctor and helping people even if they don't enjoy their patients, per se. A parent can enjoy parenting even if they don't have a huge personality match with their child. As a parent of multiple kids, I enjoy some of them more than others, even to this day. We try super hard to not let this show and give them complexes about favorites, but it happens. Doesn't mean I would choose to parent some of them and not others. I care about them all equally.
It's a combination of biology, hormones, and bonding. Sometimes it does take moms awhile to bond with their babies, especially if they cry a lot, or mom is depressed. Seeing a child who is a part of you, who shares your genetic material, who you carried inside you for 9 months, who you nursed at your breast for 1+ year...how could you NOT love them?
That being said, I believe it can happen that parents don't bond with their kids. If they aren't spending time with them for whatever reason (working long hours, travel, deployment, etc) it can be hard to form that attachment.
For me, the genetic connection is really beside the point. I'm sure I could love an adopted child just as much. I know it's a big deal for some people, but it wasn't for me.
I can see the flip side, though - if you have a child with someone your relationship doesn't work out with, you can see them in your child and find it harder to care for them. My mom was like that with me. She was always telling me I was just like my father, and it wasn't a positive comment on her part.
She said her first thought was, "If it came down to it, I would kill you to save her."
I would do the same I believe it must be a biological function of preserving your own gene pool. I feel closer to my kids because they are literally a part of me. It would be like having to choose myself or my husband. I love my husband, but at the end of the day, I love me more. Same for my kids. I love them more. I love my husband, I just feel more fiercely about my children.
If I had to choose between me and my kids, I would choose my kids. I love them more than anything, even more than I love myself.
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I believe it must be a biological function of preserving your own gene pool. I feel closer to my kids because they are literally a part of me. It would be like having to choose myself or my husband. I love my husband, but at the end of the day, I love me more. Same for my kids. I love them more. I love my husband, I just feel more fiercely about my children.
