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She needs a job. Not chores around the house. A real job. Clerk, waitress, nanny, lifeguard, park service. Even if she doesn't have to save money for college, she should at least be buying the clothes, shoes, handbags, and make-up she wants. Plus she should be paying for gas and insurance for the car she's driving. She might be your princess but she's not A Princess. You're doing her a real disservice by allowing her to believe the world owes her a living.
She needs a job. Not chores around the house. A real job. Clerk, waitress, nanny, lifeguard, park service. Even if she doesn't have to save money for college, she should at least be buying the clothes, shoes, handbags, and make-up she wants. Plus she should be paying for gas and insurance for the car she's driving. She might be your princess but she's not A Princess. You're doing her a real disservice by allowing her to believe the world owes her a living.
Here, here! At 17, I had graduated HS (1978) I was working full time. Paid my own car payments, insurance, etc. and paid for my own gas and social life. It made me become more mature and helped me to understand that I had to be responsible. I'm thankful I was raised to understand a good work ethic.
Not sure about her post high school plans, we haven't spoken about it yet. She has a car, phone, and Internet. I pay for everything.
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Originally Posted by Kibbiekat
No more car until she quits drinking (she may need rehab if it runs in the family). No more clothes unless she pays for them or you approve. Has she had any limits set? Any rules? I am amazed when parents post here about out of control teens when there appears to have been very little parenting going on until that point.
At 17 you've never had a talk about her plans for the future? Do you expect her to go to college? Kids rise to their parent's expectations. If you expect her to be an unemployed, uneducated princess with only her good looks to live on, that's exactly what she'll be.
You are years behind talking about her post-high school plans.
Almost all parents have major discussions when their children are in middle school and are planning their high school class schedule for the next four years.
By age 17 most HS students have already started to visit college campuses and narrow down their final choices. I'm guessing she is a junior (as most/many seniors already have their college acceptance letters for next fall).
And most 17 year old also have jobs to earn their own spending money.
Dad, start talking with your daughter and setting down the rules.
And, definitely no more car until she stops drinking. If she gets a DUI as an underage driver the penalties are very severe. I believe that some states take away a teens driver's licence until they are 21, $2,000 to $3,000 (if not tens of thousands of dollars in fines & penalties), some states may have jail or prison time for the first offence (definitely for the second offence).
Do you you know that you can purchase very accurate home breathalyzer devices for only $50 at many drug stores?
Find a positive female role model for her, as kids are very adaptable/imitative. While single parents can raise kids, it is always more difficult than having two positive, loving role models.
Sons need a Dad and daughters need a Mom (assuming both are positive role models to try and emulate). At this point, talking bad about the Mom will be counter productive and just make your daughter resentful. She already knows how you feel, so there is no reason to reinforce it. I also would never tell her she is acting just like her Mother, because she might purposely try to be more like her out of rebellion and immaturity.
You should also consider family counseling with your priest or a professional.
I'm willing, hence why I'm here. Law gets laid down tomorrow
Good luck with that. Sounds like you've been alternately spoiling her and running down her mother (and given the physical resemblance, I suspect she's seeing herself as the 2.0 of her mother in your eyes and turning it into your own self-fulfilling prophecy). You could not have created a more perfect storm of teenage rebellion. Frankly, I'd love to know what kind of behavior you've been modeling for her as well.
What you're dealing with is a kid who has been rejected by her mother, provided with little structure from her remaining parent, currently has no accountability (you're paying for EVERYTHING) and is basically doing what she wants. Yeah, I get that being a single parent was hard, but you're asking for advice you should have been seeking 10 years ago. Your kid is a mess
Your daughter is damaged from both you and her mother. I'm sure you love her, but you haven't done that great by her from an emotional and disciplinary perspective. Her self-worth is in the toilet - that's obvious from your descriptions. And that's never good when you're talking about a pretty teenager about to hit adulthood.
You haven't displayed the greatest emotional intelligence here. I suspect laying down the law would not go well and may make things worse. If at all possible, I think you need to enlist a therapist on this one to guide you and your daughter back to an appropriate father-daughter relationship and repair some of the damage that has been done.
The only immediate action I really think you should take is to cancel all the luxuries you're paying for (cell phone, car, whatever) and make those things contingent on her behavior and her participation in therapy. If you've spent the last 17 years comparing your daughter to the mother who abandoned her or allowing others to make the comparison, you've done some serious damage and you need to re-establish some sort of emotional trust between you. You may see yourself as a benevolent dad, but she probably sees you as someone who hasn't bothered to invest the time in a daughter who he views as a hopeless bimbo.
Laid the law down this morning, probably have to lay it down tonight too. She was furious. Apparently I'm the worst and meanest dad ever who's goal is to ruin her life and she's never speaking to me again and she can't wait to move out
Laid the law down this morning, probably have to lay it down tonight too. She was furious. Apparently I'm the worst and meanest dad ever who's goal is to ruin her life and she's never speaking to me again and she can't wait to move out
She'll get over it.
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