Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
the problem, in my view, with internet restricting software is that it doesn't teach the kid to be responsible on the internet. it just raises the carrot higher. but when you raise the carrot higher, the kid wants it more and more and will do anything necessary to get the carrot. i don't get how raising a carrot would make the kid want the carrot any less, does not make sense
one of my friends had her cell phone taken away from her own mom, it didn't phase her, she just did everything she normally did, but on her best friends' phones, who were all unchained. the mom thinks she is cut-off still, but she is doing everything else she did before the phone was taken away. my girlfriend's mom thinks she is a virgin despite having sex before and bought her a promise ring several days ago it's so funny how smug both of these moms are in their own false sense of securities. it's seriously annoying to know how unaware of they are of their daughter's actual activities, actually, to quote Judge Judy the other night, "Ma'am! Do YOU KNOW how I know your daughter is LYING? Because when a teenager's lips are moving, they are LYING!"
i kinda feel bad for my girlfriend in a way, this isn't the first time she's lied to her mom, but that isn't the point, she NEVER lies to ME. Which means that she is more comfortable coming to ME, another teenager, rather than her MOM. that isn't right............
Last edited by MarkMelter; 03-21-2015 at 12:23 AM..
I would have to get permission from the school. We had to sign a rather lengthy contract indicating that we will not fiddle around with the controls. I wish they'd done that themselves (e.g., block Facebook, youtube, etc...). Laptops are great for homework, but full of potential distractions for these kids.
Distractions? What are kids supposed to do if they can't surf the net and use facebook and youtube? Given all the brainwashing they receive in school it's better that they are distracted so they can form an organic intelligence as opposed to what's force fed by teachers with a government curriculum (even if it is school by Internet).
Mark, she's not a teenager. She's a prepubescent child, and she is clearly too young to have unfettered access to the internet. You and your girlfriend are teenagers with freedom of movement and association. Most eleven-year-olds are under the supervision of an adult every hour of the day. When Mom or Dad takes away the device, they are without recourse.
I'll repeat my suggestions: if your daughter must have a phone, replace the iPhone with a basic flipphone. If that is not possible, an alternative (although not a perfect one) is to use the password function to change her iPhone's settings to prevent adding or deleting apps, and then change the password for your iTunes account. Turn off Safari, too, while you're at it.
To handle the computer, block the social media sites that are proving to be distractions at your router. There are other solutions, but this one is probably simplest. If you would like to block only her computer while retaining access on your devices, you can do that, too. Call an IT pro for help.
Ensure that your neighbors have password-protected their wifi to keep you daughter from circumventing the measures you're taking by connecting elsewhere.
Notify your school's tech department that they need to lock down the laptops before they provide them to students. Seriously, though, if they really did hand out wide open devices, they're incompetent.
Last edited by randomparent; 03-21-2015 at 07:16 AM..
Mark, she's not a teenager. She's a prepubescent child, and she is clearly too young to have unfettered access to the internet. You and your girlfriend are teenagers with freedom of movement and association. Most eleven-year-olds are under the supervision of an adult every hour of the day. When Mom or Dad takes away the device, they are without recourse.
I'll repeat my suggestions: if your daughter must have a phone, replace the iPhone with a basic flipphone. If that is not possible, an alternative (although not a perfect one) is to use the password function to change her iPhone's settings to prevent adding or deleting apps, and then change the password for your iTunes account. Turn off Safari, too, while you're at it.
To handle the computer, block the social media sites that are proving to be distractions at your router. There are other solutions, but this one is probably simplest. If you would like to block only her computer while retaining access on your devices, you can do that, too. Call an IT pro for help.
Ensure that your neighbors have password-protected their wifi to keep you daughter from circumventing the measures you're taking by connecting elsewhere.
Notify your school's tech department that they need to lock down the laptops before they provide them to students. Seriously, though, if they really did hand out wide open devices, they're incompetent.
This is great advice but I couldn't rep the poster again.
I have a 10-year old girl in 4th grade; she does not have a phone. I am contemplating getting her a cheapo flip phone w/ no internet access, but that's it. She can only use the laptop at the kitchen table.
Guess what? It's not the end of the world to her. She still has friends and an active social life. I think she actually likes not having to make some of the tough choices - "My mom says no" is a convenient way to stay out of the fray.
Another option is to use a proxy server. It would require a dedicated computer (an old laptop would do), but the software is fee, and the subscription is fairly inexpensive for household use. This is how schools, corporations, and government agencies restrict website access for employees. The level of monitoring is variable. You decide just how much you want blocked, and the subscription is continually updated, so it's basically no-fuss once the system is in place. You will in likelihood have to hire someone to set it up for you, but if the problem is severe and the school refuses to help, it would be worth it.
Last edited by randomparent; 03-21-2015 at 09:28 AM..
I'm really struggling with deciding between two basic approaches to handle this problem. The first approach is what many here are recommending; clamping down, restricting access, and using technology to rein her in. The second approach would be to allow access but monitor. With the first approach, the potential problem would be her always finding an alternate, sneaky way to do what she wants to do (she's demonstrated that she's not hesitant to do that already). The potential problem with the second approach is that she may continue to do things she's not supposed to do even with me monitoring her. I just don't know what's the best answer.
The thing is that Instagram in and of itself is not a bad thing. Cell phones are not in and of themselves a bad thing. It is harder and harder as a parent these days to just deny kids access to these electronic outlets, especially when they can access them in school. I tend to agree with those who propose allowing some access in order to train kids how to use them properly before they hit the teen years and things can go REALLY sideways (e.g., sexting, sending nude photos). Electronic outlets are everywhere. We need to teach them to use them properly. My daughter is not really an unusual case. She thinks her old Mom and Dad are being so silly when they lecture her about safety on the Internet. She does not have the life experience to understand the bad things that can happen, ranging from cyberbullying to pedophiles contacting her. She thinks she's worldly and experienced, but she is naive and just doesn't get it.
Also: randomparent: Thanks for your suggestions. I need to take a little time to sort through all of them. I'll take a closer look this week and report back.
I agree we need to teach them appropriate usage, however a child who had blatantly disregarded instructions and subsequently lied, has violated my trust. The smartphone would be gone and the other media would be restricted as needed. Just because they might find ways around things does not mean there should not be consequences for their actions. Especially actions that could have such serious consequences.
Yes, we're definitely considering removal of the phone for a good long while. But, you can do everything on a Macbook Air that you can do on the phone (except make a call), including texting. I wish the school would disable the imessages feature. I really don't want to have to play policeman every time she's on the computer, but it's looking like that's what I need to do, at least for the time being. <Sigh>
Personally I would not care what the school says about tinkering with parental controls.
They would either change the controls to my specifications or they would have their laptop back.
There would be no "battle" in our home because I am the parent and that is my child and the school will adhere to what I know is best for my child.
My child would also adhere to what I know is best for her and she also would not have a cell phone for any reason.
When our children were younger there were no cell phones but pagers had just come out and they wanted one. I told them they could get one when they were old enough to pay for it themselves.
Social media has been the bane of my existence for many years with my daughter starting in 6th grade when she got her first phone. A phone started becoming necessary when she started having after school activities off campus. We've many other challenges with her which I won't go into here. Needless to say, after 4 hellish years I involving intense therapy, doctor visits, etc, she seems to have settled down quite a bit and matured. She has actually turned into a sensible girl in many ways. Life is pretty good right now thank goodness. A few things that helped:
-We started with a flip phone and then transitioned into a smarter phone (but not an iPhone) a year later. She still got into to trouble with her flip phone talking pictures of boys she was pursuing (the boys complained) and lost the phone for long stretches at a time. For about six months we had a behavior chart agreed upon with her therapist. She worked hard to earn that phone back. She still backslid several times but it was a learning process. Starting a kid off with a smartphone, especially if they don't show good judgment, is a recipe for disaster. Just don't do it.
-Once she got an iPhone, we started having the social media problems. Instagram uggg. Some kids would have hundreds of followers all over the world. At least she wasn't posting pictures of herself. She would also start to go around us and try to set up Twitter and FB account and would try to do this at school under fictitious names. It got pretty bad. All you can do is be vigilant and check, check, check. All her friends were allowed to do this...why wasn't she? Finally my husband took total control of her phone at least and locked everything down. She had times when things shut off like texting. She also had periods of time when she wasn't allowed to text...she had to earn that privilege back. Also check texting to see if there are any red flags....we found plenty and took action including a call to another parent whose daughter was cutting and contemplating suicide. The girl got help thank God. Your daughter may be mad at you but better safe than sorry. If my kids need an app, they have to go to hubby to get it installed. Household computers are monitored and have Net Nanny which has worked really well. We also have an Internet report that reports activity. Also put GPS tracking on daughters's phone. For some reason it doesn't work well for us but she doesn't know that, lol. Keeps her on the straight and narrow. Phones and such have plenty of control features. My hubby is an IT guru and I'm lucky. Suggest you learn every control feature available and take advantage of it. Phones and computers can be tightly controlled. Sure, some kids can find ways around this but my two aren't those kids. They know we monitor.
The easy solution is not to give your kid a phone if they aren't ready for it I guess however at some point they need to start learning. There are so many ways kids get into troubke and I'm shocked at some of the stuff I've found on DDs phone from other kids. Last year some boys started tormenting her sending pornographic photos and trying to get her to send nude photos. By this time all our lessons had sunk in and she reported this to the school. I was called to the school and confronted with a police officer doing an investigation. The culprits were found and punished. Thank goodness she showed good judgement and didn't something stupid. I don't know what I would have done if she got a school issued laptop and was going through these problems. I probably would have tried to work with them to lock down features. Also, if you have reservations, make her use that laptop in a public place like your kitchen. Don't let her take it to her room.
Good luck to you OP. My case was probably a bit more extreme but we seem to be navigating some of these minefields easier these days. We've been giving her more freedom these days and so far, it had been good. She knows we check, she knows we care. She may not be happy at times but oh well. Trust has to be earned. It has been a long rocky road for us but over time it does get better.
Last edited by Siggy20; 03-21-2015 at 10:16 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
it's so funny how smug both of these moms are in their own false sense of securities. it's seriously annoying to know how unaware of they are of their daughter's actual activities, actually, to quote Judge Judy the other night, "Ma'am! Do YOU KNOW how I know your daughter is LYING? Because when a teenager's lips are moving, they are LYING!"
