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Perfect example from just the other day, "Hey, Mom - as if I don't have enough troubles in my life, I just got in a car accident...yeah, I'm OK...yeah, well my car is so beat up anyway, what's one more dent...no, I didn't get her information...nawww, I'm not going to file a claim....yeah, she rear ended me but she's an old lady, you know? She was so upset, I didn't want to make her more upset...I'll be OK...naw, I guess I just won't get the car fixed..."
Translation: "Hey, Mom - I am not going to do anything you suggest, but I wanted to let you know my latest drama here in Guam so you can, oh, I don't know, just think about it. I'm OK but the beater car I bought for $1700 even though I had just gotten a $20,000 severance package from the US Army but I'd rather spend that money on partying for two months rather than buying a dependable vehicle has another dent in it. I didn't bother to exchange information with the 40 year old woman who rear ended me, because she started hollering and crying. My neck hurts but so what. Just wanted you to worry."
Why are you so disappointed in this? He's not asking for your help, he wasn't borrowing money, he's living on his own and he chose not to get his car fixed, and he did a favor for an old lady. I'm sorry, but this is really sad that you are so devastated about this kind of thing. And that is all on you, not him. He isn't the disappointment here; you feeling the need to throw him under the bus over his decisions that do not reflect on you in any way, is.
But it's not his fault she was an assclown and did that. She got what she deserved. If I was that parent, I would feel happy that other people don't have to deal with my kid killing a family while drunk driving.
I mean, do these people you're talking about just want attention or something? I guess I don't understand.
Just because your (not yours; anyone's) kid turned out to be a POS doesn't mean your life as a parent should be miserable. You just move on with your own life and hope the other kids keep their ***** together. Once they are adults, they make their own choices.
I don't think we owe anyone an explanation.
I just think that there are lots and lots of very painful situations out there, and many of them are made worse by our "transparent" society - that's not actually necessarily so transparent. I mean, with social media we instantly see all the "successes" of our friends and acquaintances' kids and it must be like pouring salt into a wound for those who have kids who have brought them shame and heartache.
I'm just wondering the best way to deal with that - not only as the parent of a problem child, but as a friend to those who are suffering through this.
Take my parents' friends, for instance. If my parents hadn't been so open about my brother's tragedies, their friends wouldn't have opened up to them about THEIR heartaches. Now that it's out in the open between them, maybe they can help each other through some heartache.
This reminds me of two women I know who both had daughters with serious mental health issues. They worked together in the same office for TWELVE YEARS without sharing this information and then one day, one caught the other one crying in the bathroom and they ended up opening up with each other. This conversation led to a much deeper friendship, which led to them both becoming certified through the National Alliance for Mental Illness organization, to lead classes for family members of mental health patients. I attended one of those 12 week long classes and it was INVALUABLE to me and to my family as we dealt with my brother's situation.
So good came of all that - it's just a pity they worked together twelve years before forming such a deep friendship and alliance. Thankfully at least, now their alliance is helpful to many, many other families.
Why are you so disappointed in this? He's not asking for your help, he wasn't borrowing money, he's living on his own and he chose not to get his car fixed, and he did a favor for an old lady. I'm sorry, but this is really sad that you are so devastated about this kind of thing. And that is all on you, not him. He isn't the disappointment here; you feeling the need to throw him under the bus over his decisions that do not reflect on you in any way, is.
I'm not devastated by this sort of thing. This is just one tiny example of a much larger picture.
If you knew the story of his adult life, you would understand why I am so devastated by his actions. Don't worry - I won't bore you with the details. But believe me, it's tragic and will become more tragic if he doesn't get the help he desperately needs.
I am pretty sure you would be absolutely aghast if I told you just a few things from his life. We're not talking about little things here - big, big things with very scary possible outcomes. I'm not a micromanager and I have always given my kids all sorts of "poetic license" and I LOVE their self expression and am actually often delighted by their different opinions, lifestyles, takes on things, etc. I am not talking about differences of opinion or even different value systems. I'm talking about clearly irresponsible and reckless behavior that endangers himself and others on a regular basis, behavior which has already caused major issues in his life and that will continue to do so unless he changes his trajectory.
And he has already done several things that have deeply hurt his immediate family members and literally brought shame to our family. Sad but true.
People who are not in the situation of having challenging kids just don't know how helpful it is just to vent, and this kind of forum is (usually) a safe place to do so if they have a thick enough skin not to be hurt by comments from people who don't understand and aren't sympathetic. (Not their fault, btw!)
We can only vent to friends and relatives so many times before we come across (with good reason) as being chronic complainers or whiners. It has also been my experience that reading a post by a sympathetic stranger and/or someone who can offer a fresh perspective can help IMMEASURABLY, as does the knowledge that "I'm not the only one going through this." Even if the comfort that results from this "sharing" only lasts for only an hour or so, it is still a respite, no matter how brief.
Last edited by katharsis; 03-26-2015 at 11:00 AM..
People who are not in the situation of having challenging kids just don't know how helpful it is just to vent, and this kind of forum is (usually) a safe place to do so if they have a thick enough skin not to be hurt by comments from people who don't understand and aren't sympathetic. (Not their fault, btw!)
We can only vent to friends and relatives so many times before we come across (with good reason) as being chronic complainers or whiners. It has also been my experience that reading a post by a sympathetic stranger and/or someone who can offer a fresh perspective can help IMMEASURABLY, as does the knowledge that "I'm not the only one going through this." Even if the comfort that results from this "sharing" only lasts for only an hour or so, it is still a respite, no matter how brief.
Very much agree. I've also found that CD isn't the best place either to vent these types of things. You will have folks judge you or the less compassionate chime in and make you feel like crap. Several times I've had to take long breaks from this site because I was in such anguish and some comments devastated me (yeah, I need to grow a thicker skin). Or posts attacked to the point of having to ask a mod to close. Wish I could have found a good support site at times during the more difficult times in my life.
One thought is to set up a private group if there is interest?
Very much agree. I've also found that CD isn't the best place either to vent these types of things. You will have folks judge you or the less compassionate chime in and make you feel like crap. Several times I've had to take long breaks from this site because I was in such anguish and some comments devastated me (yeah, I need to grow a thicker skin). Or posts attacked to the point of having to ask a mod to close. Wish I could have found a good support site at times during the more difficult times in my life.
One thought is to set up a private group if there is interest?
^I understand where you're coming from. Many times I've thought of starting a post asking for advice but after witnessing what happens, I hold back. It would be nice if there were some supportive sites out there.
Back to the thread topic---I have a nephew who, through the years, caused his parents a lot of grief. Eventually, he was diagnosed as having oppositional defiance disorder but I suspect that there is more going on. Long story, but they have had to involve the police when it came to him. Sometimes, he seems to be getting it together and is behaving well but then it swings back. My SIL clings to the good periods and says the same thing, "I think that he is improving now and getting it together." When she says that, I just say "That's good to hear". Even though, deep down, I know it won't last. But as a mother myself, I fully understand where she is coming from as we all wish for the best when it comes to our kids. So we cling to hope.
Very much agree. I've also found that CD isn't the best place either to vent these types of things. You will have folks judge you or the less compassionate chime in and make you feel like crap. Several times I've had to take long breaks from this site because I was in such anguish and some comments devastated me (yeah, I need to grow a thicker skin). Or posts attacked to the point of having to ask a mod to close. Wish I could have found a good support site at times during the more difficult times in my life.
One thought is to set up a private group if there is interest?
How would we go about setting up a private group? I have NO experience in doing so!
People who are not in the situation of having challenging kids just don't know how helpful it is just to vent, and this kind of forum is (usually) a safe place to do so if they have a thick enough skin not to be hurt by comments from people who don't understand and aren't sympathetic. (Not their fault, btw!)
We can only vent to friends and relatives so many times before we come across (with good reason) as being chronic complainers or whiners. It has also been my experience that reading a post by a sympathetic stranger and/or someone who can offer a fresh perspective can help IMMEASURABLY, as does the knowledge that "I'm not the only one going through this." Even if the comfort that results from this "sharing" only lasts for only an hour or so, it is still a respite, no matter how brief.
Amen and amen.
One thing I've found to be pretty true too is that if you have several kids, usually at least one of them is going to go through a really rough spot as a young adult. Some come out of it better than others, and some get stuck in a sort of vortex.
I mean, think about all the really screwed up adults out there - of every color, age, background, etc. Every one of those people was someone's baby at one time.
Much as I'm no fan of Facebook, I did join it because I was invited to join a private group. So...the option exists if you use FB.
I'm pretty certain that Yahoo also has an option of creating a private group. (Someone correct me if I'm wrong).
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