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Facebook groups are pretty cool. I'm in a lot of them for couponing. You can set different privacy settings, and just about everyone is on FB nowadays.
I do think that one mistake that many parents make is complaining about their adult children and their horrible choices to the world. Maybe they do it for sympathy, maybe they do it for support, or maybe they do it to vent. Or maybe a combination of the three?
Regardless, the problem that it creates is that everyone now has an opinion of their child. It gets around, and the adult child does hear about it and knows that the parent has been talking badly about them. Now, they feel even more hurt and estranged from their parents, and in many cases, it's even more of an excuse to screw up..."Well, everybody thinks I'm a screw up anyway...forget them." Plus, when adult child and parents make up (as they usually do), everyone still has something negative to say...
We all make mistakes. A lot of people fight demons that many people don't understand. It can seem so strange to see someone who you know was raised right go through seemingly self-inflicted hard times. The thing is, things like depression and addiction aren't just reserved for the poor or poorly raised. Look at Robin Williams. He seemed to have had a wonderful childhood and certainly had every wonderful opportunity in adult life, yet he turned to cocaine and alcohol, and eventually became severely depressed.
I also think the world is a little harder to live in today than it was for many people who are old enough to have adult children. Police are cracking down, and sentencing is getting harder. People are doing long prison sentences for minor possession of drugs for personal use, for example. My dad got three DWIs when he was 19, and he barely got a slap on the wrist...and that's not including the times he got caught and was told he better go home and stay there vs. getting arrested. What was once a minor legal issue or a family problem has now become a much bigger deal, which can lead to more legal troubles and a very tarnished reputation. Plus, with social media and online news, it's now much easier for the entire world to hear about your family's screw-ups than it once was.
I'm not making excuses. Adults know right from wrong. Just sharing an additional opinion.
Edited to Add:
I just found this link here on C-D. These are some crazy things that school children are getting arrested for these days. They all seem outrageous, but it proves the point that people are getting arrested for much more than they once did. If they're getting this treatment for these trivial things, you know how things go for young adults who are actually doing something wrong...although not always all THAT serious...
I agree with this.... I would equate it to not complaining too much about your spouse to your family or best friend.
Ya know, that's exactly what I had in mind when I posted that response. For example, I've never been the type to call and cry to my mom every time that my husband and I have had a disagreement. He'd be upset that I shared our personal business, and mom would hold the grudge wayyyy longer than I would. It would make for a lot of uncomfortable family dinners.
I'd love to know if parents with difficult children share my thoughts (read below in red) : I X-posted this into a different parenting thread. (sorry, this is a long post)
One of our sons was, and still is easy going and successful in his life choices. Our other son was difficult right from birth. He was the difficult child as described below. He is now a non-functioning alcoholic 30 year old and has given us many heartaches through the years. Aquaintances of ours know he is an alcoholic and has been in trouble with the law. We don't elaborate, but what's the point of hiding it? Close friends know what we've been through with him. My closest girlfriend has two adult children the same age as ours. Both of hers turned out wonderfully with only minimal, normal troubles through the years. She often makes me feel as if we didn't discipline our problematic child enough and that we are the cause of a lot of his problems. My argument to her is below.
I am one who firmly believes that a child is BORN with their personality. Some children are easy going, sleep well through the night, play quietly for hours, rarely or never throw tantrums, listen well to directions, and grow up wanting to get along with and please everyone in their small universe.
Some children aren't easy and will continue to test his/her parents through the years, even into adulthood. Because I believe that a child is born with their personality, I believe right from birth a child can be defiant... fussy and angry as infants, throwing tantrums as toddlers, won't follow directions or rules as pre-schoolers, and struggles with relationships in school settings.
Parents who have easy going children will say I'm wrong, but they have NO clue what it is like to raise a defiant child. These are the parents who tend to blame the parents of an unruly child's behaviour. They want to blame the parents that they didn't show love to the child, didn't discipline the child enough, spoiled the child, weren't consistant, didn't spend enough time with the child, etc, etc. This may be true with some parents, but I don't believe for a moment that it is true with all children who are difficult.
Defiant children can be most frustrating, but to be a good parent, you have to keep your cool and you have to keep consistant no matter what. Giving in to their wishes won't teach them a thing, but sometimes no matter how consistant you are they don't learn (or care) about the consequences. They just repeat the behaviour. You wonder why and what did you do wrong? You didn't. That is just their genetic makeup.
"It's complicated; he's going through a rough patch". I have a sister who has made poor decisions and generally breaks my parent's hearts every few months; she's also bipolar. I think the best thing my parents eventually realized is that they cannot claim ownership nor responsibility over her choices. Lots of people have family members like this, but society just doesn't want to discuss mental illness or people want to show a good face. It is what it is, you know? Nothing you need to feel shame about.
Great post Gouligan! And yes, I think kids very much are genetically wired.....biological or adopted. The personality of my kids aren't much different then when I met both of them in the orphanage. My daughter, almost 4, was extremely strong willed and stubborn. She was the only overweight child there from getting her way, manipulating the director of the place and taking food from the other kids, lol. She is a survivor and in many ways that is great. She never wallows in self pity and keeps moving forward..always. Over the years and we've had some hellish ones, some of these traits have softened a bit but are still there. All I can do is keep trying and some of my lessons have sunk in, others not so much. If she could harness some of these traits in a positive way, I've told her she could be a CEO someday and I belive that.
My son on the other hand was Mr. Personality and everyone loved him. He hasn't changed much from a tiny little guy. Easy going and sunny.
When we first adopted I always felt that love could conqueror all and didn't fully understand the nature versus nurture stuff. Now I have a much better appreciation. Love can go a long way and you can certainly mentor and guide your kids. You aren't going to change them drastically though from how they are hard wired.
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