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I am seeking advice conerning a grandmother that refuses to follow our wishes/instructions with our child. It doesn't matter if we are present or when she babysits. When she does follow instructions, it comes with a lot of verbal resistance and judgement about our policies. I wouldn't be as concerned if she only saw our child every now and then, but she sees her often. I am trying to figure out if I am being too demanding or should I chill out a little.
Some examples are no screen time whatsoever, no toys while eating, and only approved foods. Our child is 9 months.
Thanks in advance.
If you are still reading.....here's my 2 cents worth.
In my experience, the contentious relationship between a new parent and the new grandparents often has nothing to do with the actual incidents. It typically has to do with the new parent trying to establish themselves as the one in control of this new life and most of the time they don't know how to change the relationship from parent/child to adult/adult.
Quite often this discord is due to changing trends or recommendations that have been altered due to new information and therefore the new parent has differing views on parenting than their parents. The new parent hasn't yet learned how to balance independence, control and beliefs of their own with that of their parents. The new grandparents have lived it and probably wish to have their child learn from their experience but also don't know how to balance it out.
In my opinion, it's up to the new parent to work out that balance and for the new grandparent to learn to balance in return. That means give and take on both ends.
So, as a new parent, have you thought about why it is so important to you that this grandmother follows your instructions to the letter? Additionally, did you have real conversations about the differences in opinions with her?
For instance, what is the goal for no toys while eating? Do you to not want this to become a habit? Do you think it is unsanitary? Do you not want the mess? Would you rather not have the distraction? Do you want feeding time/meals to be about bonding/family time?
So then the question would be....will having toys while eating at grandmothers be frequent enough to have an impact on those things in the long run, or will those times only be a drop in the bucket that doesn't really affect it much? If it's a drop in the bucket, let it slide. If it's enough to actually make an impact, then have that conversation with her to explain your goal with the reasons why.
Perhaps starting with something like.......mom we both really enjoyed our family dinners where we all sat around the dinner table and had meaningful and fun conversations with good food. We'd like to have that with our child too. We'd like our baby to begin with an eating time that is relaxed, enjoyable and even conversational. We feel that things like toys and TV are distractions that could become habits and not allow us to have those cherished family dinners.
That would open a dialogue that would enable this grandmother to see your reasoning and understand your goal. If you just told this rule without a conversation for understanding, then most likely anyone, not just this grandmother, would have balked and wanted to resist. That's human nature.....to go on the defensive when being told what to do.
Regarding things like screen time and foods....if these are things you are adamant about, then start the conversation with what you have learned that makes you feel this way and how that is different from what she may know. Express your concerns about these issues and have a real conversation about it.
Once you have related to her in open and honest conversations it will be easier to come to an agreement about boundaries, balances and so on. You won't feel the need to lay out the rules and get stressed she will resist them.
My in laws live near us and when the kids were in preschool they would pick them up and take them from about 4-7 pm once a week. I began to notice that the kid's behavior was horrible after they dropped them off. It was happening every single week. So, I finally said something. They were giving them treats (ice cream, cookies, things like that)and I put a stop to it. I told them that they were welcome to give them treats on a weekend when they had time to burn it off but that's the last thing that needed at 6:30 on a weeknight.
I realize that grandparents are meant to spoil their grandkids but this is my opinion on it.... spoil them and sugar them up to your hearts content but you have to put up with their behavior while you are doing it. I don't want them back until they can follow my rules and they have come down from the sugar high.
My mom sends them gifts and won't tell me what she sends them. Everything is a secret. She doesn't spend much time with them. She wants to take them swimming but doesn't bring a bathing suit (only her husband did and this is when they were young 3 & 4). She wants them to come and stay a week with her but has never spent more than 3-4 hours alone with them. She now lives 6 + hours from us. When we lived closer to her (like 3 miles) she saw them about 1 a month and then she moved away and complained she never saw them.
Didn't read all the replies. Tell her you love her but NO SCREEN TIME for a nine month old PERIOD. No toys while eating! Do NOT give the baby anything not on the LIST. POST it and if she still does it, hire a babysitter.
Make no mistake, the grandmother loves her and issues such as smoking, car seats, and those types of concerns are not even on the radar.
Sometimes it's good to hear from others and be talked off the ledge a little. Will work hard to cut her some slack on screen time and toys. I probably won't be able to lighten up on food until she is older.
Babies are not suppose to be watching TV. There is no reason for it and it has been researched, the outcome being to wait until they are at least 2. I might have done it but just didn't know any better.
^^^this. No screen time whatever? The kid is 9 months old. Are you kidding? What heinous effect do you anticipate from grandma having the TV on? You're already a helicopter parent before the kids is even 1. Lighten up. Helicopter parents end up producing dysfunctional kids, so knock it off before the damage is irreversible.
You know....If the parent doesn't want the TV on....So be it. Good gracious. I'm happy people aren't sitting their kids in front of TV's like a couple of generations ago....But, we know better now....
The toys......I didn't allow toys at my table either....And don't allow phones now. Big deal.
This is not something for Grandma to fall on her sword about......Tell Grandma these are the rules at your home.
To not comply with your rules is very telling for ongoing problems in the future IMO
I also snuck around and secretly pointed out where some Easter eggs were to various grandkids when they were hunting for them.
AND I let them turn on the jets in my tub with a bubble bath, which creates a huge mess when there are multiple kids in that tub. They can stay in the bathtub as long as they want. Sometimes they've stayed in there for an hour!
AND I paint their toenails (granddaughters only - LOL), even when they are tiny. I make them sit still while I'm doing it too. They don't like it when they're tiny but within a few months they're begging me to paint their toenails every time! I let them pick any color they want, too.
They can put fake tattoos all over themselves if they like. My only caveat is that they wash them off before church.
I also let them sleep with me if they want to - and they can also sleep with the bedside lamp on if they prefer.
They can play outside barefooted. And speaking of outside, that's exactly where they need to play, rather than sitting in front of the TV watching cartoons for hours. OUT YOU GO! That's what dogs and bubble blowers and squirt guns and sprinklers and kiddie pools are for!
And they can always have a squirt of whipping cream as they go running through the kitchen. In fact, I'm going over to spend the night with them tonight and I'm BRINGING a can of whipping cream with me. And their mother can't stop me. (She doesn't even try.)
Just a couple of thoughts, even though you are not the OP...after reading all your posts....and all your examples of how you deliberately sabotage your daughter's parenting, and actually enjoy doing it...It seems a bit passive aggressive. Do you do this with your DIL's too??
Why would you want to make your daughter's job as a parent even harder. And, how confused these kids must be. It's almost as though you are afraid they will like you less if you don't over-indulge them.
Maybe you'll be nice and kick in for their dental visits.
It's good to be a loving Grandmother, but sometimes loving means you have to say No. Kids need boundaries....it's how they figure out later when their friends are sneaking around or worse that they can say No...Give that some thought.
None of Kathryn's examples in the last quoted post sound terrible to me, as long as the parents are okay with it. BUT suppose the parents asked that the child not sleep with Grandma because then they have trouble getting her to sleep alone in her bed at home. And suppose Grandma decides she doesn't care ("they can't stop me") and the child is going to sleep in her bed anyway. THAT would be sabotage, and cause for a serious talk with Grandma and possibly a no-more-sleepover policy.
None of Kathryn's examples in the last quoted post sound terrible to me, as long as the parents are okay with it. BUT suppose the parents asked that the child not sleep with Grandma because then they have trouble getting her to sleep alone in her bed at home. And suppose Grandma decides she doesn't care ("they can't stop me") and the child is going to sleep in her bed anyway. THAT would be sabotage, and cause for a serious talk with Grandma and possibly a no-more-sleepover policy.
You might want to read through the entire thread....I only quoted the last one.
You might want to read through the entire thread....I only quoted the last one.
I definitely had issues with some of the things she said. It's just that this particular post sounds trivial and innocuous, perhaps on purpose to reinforce the line that "Grandma is silly and fun with the grandkids, and no reasonable parent would get their knickers in a twist about that." But that is far from the whole story.
Whoever is leaving negative, argumentative comments as "rep points" - thanks for the rep points! However, your negative comments are against the Terms of Service and can be traced back to you, just so you know.
That is, they could be if I bothered to report you. Not worth my time or trouble. but next time - sign your name. Otherwise, you're really just acting like a coward.
Have a great day!
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