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Old 04-09-2015, 01:39 PM
 
11,025 posts, read 7,797,253 times
Reputation: 23702

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1 View Post
Oh, I do agree.



I'm with you 100% on this one Kathryn. I was hoping it was written by a non-parent, but alas, I was wrong.



His FIRST daughter is his real family - just as much as the current one. Continuing to be her PARENT is not 'living in the past'. Pining away for his ex would qualify as living in the past which does not seem to be the case. No offense but you seem very young and clueless about children.



She absolutely will feel like a second class citizen and that she no longer mattered to him once he got his 'real family'.




Grow up some more. One does not 'move on' from their child. Good God; no wonder we have so many deadbeat Dads if this is the prevailing male wisdom.
It's most assuredly not but with attitudes like this (yours) it's no wonder we have so many family's breaking up.
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Old 04-09-2015, 01:47 PM
 
11,025 posts, read 7,797,253 times
Reputation: 23702
Quote:
Originally Posted by CMMom View Post
On the flip side, I know a divorced family where the Mom cheated on the Dad and they subsequently divorced. She (and her lover/new husband) had a job opportunity across the country. Dad, not wanting to lose contact with the children, managed to find a job in the same city and they all moved at the same time. Now, that's a Dad who put his money where his mouth was in terms of keeping up a relationship with his kids.
The last two posts are about selfish mothers who place their wellbeing above that of their children and the kids' fathers. Kids have the right to have access to both parents regardless if one decides to move away from where the family has been established.
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Old 04-09-2015, 02:06 PM
 
Location: North America
14,204 posts, read 12,249,275 times
Reputation: 5565
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
His viewpoint, while not being popular here, has also been made by women. Your characterization of it as sexist is false and makes you...sexist!
I'm sure it has been, and I would not defend them if they did so either. Both parties are responsible to make a relationship work. You cannot place it all on the shoulder of one partner and state that someones future actions should be okay because "she would have made it work between you too."
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Old 04-09-2015, 02:47 PM
 
772 posts, read 910,750 times
Reputation: 1500
Quote:
Originally Posted by 909er View Post
Hi all. I have found myself in a pickle and it's on my mind constantly. I had a daughter with someone that it didn't work out with, in a place I transplanted to for work. I'm still in the same city, but have since married and have a 2 y.o. daughter with my wife. I live in a high cost of living area with long commute times.

5 years ago, (we were already split) I told the 11 year olds mother we should (separately) move closer to her family so the kiddo can be by them, since I have no family in this place. I was/am willing to commute everyday to raise the quality of my daughters life, so she can be close to her immediate family. We have 50/50 custody.

Fast forward 5 years, and I admittedly didn't think about this pre-marriage, but things have of course changed. I have my wife and 2 year old to think about, and we don't live in an area we really want to, and I am commuting a long distance for all this. She also does not have any family around us. We are also not homeowners, and possibly won't be here due to the high cost of living. Our neighborhood is safe, clean, schools are average and all that, but I'm not 100% happy either. It is on our radar to move to a smaller city with lower cost of living, better schools, etc. Long story short, income is also a potential issue, if I were to lose my decent job in this high COL area, finding an equal one around here is tough. Lower income in this high cost of living area would not be good for the quality of life for my household.

So it boils down to providing for my wife and 2 y.o., who only have me, and also being here for my 11 y.o. I'm trying very hard to hold it all together, but if we did have to move away so I could find employment, I just wonder what it would do to my 11 y.o. She is resilient and get's straight A's, but she's a girl and emotional too. I provide a good life for her. Her mother would not let me take her, that's not an option.

Anyone have any input on this? Thanks

My mother moved away to another state when i was 14. She didn't want visitation, just moved away, when the divorce happened when I was 14.

I'm 29 now, and I can tell you, I have, and never will have any interest in seeing her. Still hold resentment against her when her name is brought up. she has tried to re-connect few times, specially after my daughter was born.

Your child will never forgive you, and it will always be in the back of their mind.
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Old 04-09-2015, 03:47 PM
 
Location: USA
30,740 posts, read 21,872,773 times
Reputation: 18925
Quote:
Originally Posted by CMMom View Post
On the flip side, I know a divorced family where the Mom cheated on the Dad and they subsequently divorced. She (and her lover/new husband) had a job opportunity across the country. Dad, not wanting to lose contact with the children, managed to find a job in the same city and they all moved at the same time. Now, that's a Dad who put his money where his mouth was in terms of keeping up a relationship with his kids.
"that's a Dad who put his money where his mouth was in terms of keeping up a relationship with his kids"

Now thats a parent

In reality your children are genetically and emotionally part of you. They are bonded to you and are your blood. Giving up on them is basically giving up on yourself.
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Old 04-09-2015, 03:59 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,126 posts, read 10,088,952 times
Reputation: 11796
I don't have any of my own kids yet, but I didn't have a very good relationship with my Dad growing up. He was physically present usually, but that was about it. And it impacted me more than I can tell you not having a Dad I could count on. I don't think you can even imagine the ways in which it will negatively impact your daughter if you leave her. Therapy isn't cheap and I pay almost $100 dollars a session to help me deal with issues at 31 that are still lingering from things that happened when I was a child. And a poor relationship with her Dad almost always means poor romantic relationships as she's an adult. Been there, done that, and got the T-shirt myself!

A few more years in your current location could change the course of your daughter's entire life - her self esteem, her future romantic relationships, and so much more! Please please think about this.
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Old 04-09-2015, 05:48 PM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
33,942 posts, read 22,461,411 times
Reputation: 25806
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutty View Post
It's most assuredly not but with attitudes like this (yours) it's no wonder we have so many family's breaking up.
Huh? Why did you quote my post?
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Old 04-09-2015, 05:59 PM
 
Location: Virginia
58 posts, read 131,662 times
Reputation: 75
You are in a tough spot. I admire your commitment to your daughter as much as I admire it to your current family.

Unlike many posters here I have no advice to give, beyond hoping you can hang in there and make it work for wife and all of your kids.
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Old 04-09-2015, 07:11 PM
 
8,860 posts, read 5,345,554 times
Reputation: 5662
Quote:
Originally Posted by CMMom View Post
On the flip side, I know a divorced family where the Mom cheated on the Dad and they subsequently divorced. She (and her lover/new husband) had a job opportunity across the country. Dad, not wanting to lose contact with the children, managed to find a job in the same city and they all moved at the same time. Now, that's a Dad who put his money where his mouth was in terms of keeping up a relationship with his kids.
If we are to judge by the same standards as the OP, Mom and new husband are the wrongdoers here. They moved.
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Old 04-09-2015, 07:20 PM
 
Location: Dunwoody,GA
2,239 posts, read 5,835,634 times
Reputation: 3409
The point was that the Dad in that situation was willing to put his own needs aside for the sake of the children. He uprooted his entire life (job, friends) in order to do what was best for them. OP has demonstrated that he is more concerned about his own needs than the needs of the child. It was intended to show a contrast.
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