How hard is it on an 11 year old for their Dad to move away? (stepdad, child support)
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What I need to reiterate, and what I'm stuck on, is that she (11 yo) has all her family out here, including her mother, etc. My wife and I have none, so it's all on me to provide. I'm not volunteering leaving, what I'm saying is that yes I am tired of certain aspects of the area we live in, so combined with a possible (but not guaranteed) drop in income, how is that fair to my wife and 2 y.o.? Or myself, frankly. So I have to tell them, that because Sister lives here and her mother is inflexible on her moving, that we are stuck until she is 18? You see how it is when put that way? It's like giving power to the ex and current wife is not a fan of that. Even though she "signed up" for it, that's the position that I am in.
I fully understand 11 yo is entering her tumultuous years, which worries me. That's why I haven't left, and I don't "want" to leave, if I did I would have. I love her and I love raising her, that's what I signed up for. That's what being a parent is. But clearly, when you move on with your life, marry someone, combine it with a new mobile society where job security is not in one physical area any more, etc, it's a game changer. But clearly it would have a profound effect on 11 yo so again, stuck between the welfare of my wife and 2 yo vs. split custody of 11 yo.
Wait, now you're going to blame her mother for you being stuck, because you want to be "happier" by moving away from your kid? That's real nice. Like it's not your fault for having unprotected sex with her in the first place! That kid didn't ask to be here!
Maybe you should start thinking about a vasectomy, because your attitude about your kids is rotten.
And, your current wife is an assclown of the highest order.
I've been told my priority is my wife with whom I took vows.
You've been told wrong. Your children ALWAYS come first---before any new girlfriend or wife. I hope it never happens, but it doesn't really matter who you're partnered up with---you could possibly break up some day. And even if you and that person are no longer together, your kids will always still be yours.
If you move away and leave that kid, that close relationship that you have with her will fade to black. No matter how much you deny it and plan to prevent it, its going to happen. It might make your wife very happy, but its a terrible thing to do to a kid who's very attached to you.
Hi all. I have found myself in a pickle and it's on my mind constantly. I had a daughter with someone that it didn't work out with, in a place I transplanted to for work. I'm still in the same city, but have since married and have a 2 y.o. daughter with my wife. I live in a high cost of living area with long commute times.
5 years ago, (we were already split) I told the 11 year olds mother we should (separately) move closer to her family so the kiddo can be by them, since I have no family in this place. I was/am willing to commute everyday to raise the quality of my daughters life, so she can be close to her immediate family. We have 50/50 custody.
Fast forward 5 years, and I admittedly didn't think about this pre-marriage, but things have of course changed. I have my wife and 2 year old to think about, and we don't live in an area we really want to, and I am commuting a long distance for all this. She also does not have any family around us. We are also not homeowners, and possibly won't be here due to the high cost of living. Our neighborhood is safe, clean, schools are average and all that, but I'm not 100% happy either. It is on our radar to move to a smaller city with lower cost of living, better schools, etc. Long story short, income is also a potential issue, if I were to lose my decent job in this high COL area, finding an equal one around here is tough. Lower income in this high cost of living area would not be good for the quality of life for my household.
So it boils down to providing for my wife and 2 y.o., who only have me, and also being here for my 11 y.o. I'm trying very hard to hold it all together, but if we did have to move away so I could find employment, I just wonder what it would do to my 11 y.o. She is resilient and get's straight A's, but she's a girl and emotional too. I provide a good life for her. Her mother would not let me take her, that's not an option.
Anyone have any input on this? Thanks
I had to revisit the OP because I wanted to be sure I wasn't overreacting. Here's what I noticed:
You've been living in this high cost of living area, with a long commute, voluntarily for at least eleven years, maybe longer. I'd say you should have developed a circle of friends and interests by now. Where is your extended family, by the way? And where is your current wife's family? And how did you come to meet her - why was she living so far from family, I assume voluntarily, when you met? You have both lived there for over a decade - how often do you visit your extended family?
Before I left an eleven year old high and dry, I'd try to figure out how to take said eleven year old and two year old to visit extended family more often. Surely that's no more difficult than packing up and moving your entire family. Well, wait - not your entire family - you're talking about leaving one child behind.
How did your current wife end up living in this area she now doesn't like? What changed? She apparently happily married you, knowing you had 50/50 custody of your daughter, who was only about 6 at the time you got married from what I can gather. What a sweet age. What was her relationship with your older child like when you got married? What has she done to build that very important relationship and to support your relationship with that child - a relationship that is ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL for your daughter's well being and emotional development?
Unless there's more to the story that you're not sharing with us, it seems that you're creating a lot of false dilemmas. You (or your current wife - or both of you) seem to be making this about EITHER taking care of your older daughter OR taking care of your current wife and younger daughter. Your examples are full of "mights" and hypothetical situations which haven't occurred and honestly don't seem that likely to occur. Do you really think you are in imminent danger of losing your current job - a job which seems to make your commute, from your safe, clean neighborhood with decent schools, perfectly justifiable.
You don't even HAVE a job elsewhere and aren't about to be transferred. Everything is hypothetical - but I can promise you that frequent visits to see your older daughter will definitely be hypothetical if you move. If your wife is chaffing about your interaction with your daughter (and ex) now, just wait till you tell her that you're going to be making a five or six hour drive every other weekend to see them instead of taking your younger daughter to her Little League or soccer games, or spending the weekend with family. Imagine her angst when you end up spending holidays on the road instead of with her. Oh wait - that won't happen. What WILL happen is that you two will find one excuse after another to put off those visits - and that your older daughter will know she's been abandoned.
It sounds to me like the new wife is behind it all...she wants him to choose HER over his 11 year old.
5 more years. You can do it. It could mean the difference between a lifelong relationship with your daughter, or being one of those fathers who only sees their child once every year or two.
I haven't read all the posts here, but all I can think about is the 11 year old who will be missing her daddy. Stay put for her sake. You can always relocate later.
You may not like to hear this but, IMHO, its is especially in the teen years that both boys and girls need their dads. This is the age when young women, who don't have a dad, go looking for male strength and guidance will run to a man, so if dad isn't there, guess where they go. There are even guys that have admitted to targeting young teen girls who don't have a father in the home, to keep the wolves at bay. Kids only get one chance to grow up and parents need to do what they can to get it right.
This whole "We don't have any family here" is a red herring you need to get over. I know plenty of people raising children away from family and doing it just fine. I moved 2,000 miles away from my family, and it hasn't affected our relationships at all. Moreover, I have a close support system of non-relatives in my new city after only 4 years. And growing up in my hometown surrounded by relatives, we relied just as much on family friends for support/backup/whatever as we did relatives.
And while your ex has no obligation to leave HER support system and move so that you can "be happier" with your new family, you do have an obligation to stick around for the child you had with her, no matter how much extended family she has in the area. You. Are. Her. Father. So freakin' act like it.
If your current wife is asking for this move when your daughter is 11 years old, it's time to grow a spine and do the right thing. Your wife is NOT your first priority - if she's telling you that, she's warping a common piece of wisdom to her own ends. Yes, one must prioritize one's marriage, but only after your CHILDREN'S NEEDS are met. And your daughter needs YOU. When people say to prioritize the marriage over the children, they mean you don't let your lives be ruled by your kids' wants (iPads, trips, activities) and you carve time out for just the two of you.
OP, you're getting a lot of "shaming" for considering your options, and I suspect your heart is in the right place, but you are getting pulled in many different directions.
Even though you haven't said so, specifically, it appears, reading between the lines, that your current wife is not a fan of the current set up, and is encouraging you to change jobs, etc.
You DO have family there -- you have your daughter. What more family do you need? She is in a good place, cared for by parents who love her and near her maternal relatives. I'd say that your current wife needs to suck it up. You've got three other kids -- this cannot come as a surprise to her, and if it does, then she's an idiot (or you were an idiot to lead her to believe that this was negotiable).
Your marriage is your first priority, true. But let's face it, that didn't stop you with your first relationship (the older kids?) or even the one with your daughter's mother ("it didn't work out".) So why is it suddenly a priority, now? Making a marriage a priority doesn't mean doing whatever your wife wants, especially if it's counter to the needs and well-being of another child that you are responsible for. She knew the score when she married you. It's one of the downsides of marrying a man who already has a family.
You said you're an active parent with her. Now you're leaving her to give your wife and 2 year old a better life. I think you can guess how the 11 year old is going to feel. She's going to wonder where her dad is and why he left her but can be with his other child. How would you feel if your dad left?
Best case, Phoenix, 5 hours. Farthest, east coast.
This is why I'm asking, hoping for some first hand accounts.
I haven't left her in any way, she was 2 when her mother and I broke up, so she never really knew us together. I am actively involved in her life very much.
My main struggle is balancing a "separated" child, with a wife and "full time" child. I've been told my priority is my wife with whom I took vows. I am strongly attached to my 11 y.o. as well. This is not an easy situation.
I'm reading this differently. I see it as the OP wanting to leave the child to be with his other family. His non-existent scenario about losing his job is just an excuse.
OP still hasn't the answered the "who told you your first priority was your wife" question. I think that he thinks that. The bolded above is all the evidence that I need. I hope that the 11 year old doesn't know that he views her in this way.
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