How hard is it on an 11 year old for their Dad to move away? (BF, divorced)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm reading this differently. I see it as the OP wanting to leave the child to be with his other family. His non-existent scenario about losing his job is just an excuse.
OP still hasn't the answered the "who told you your first priority was your wife" question. I think that he thinks that. The bolded above is all the evidence that I need. I hope that the 11 year old doesn't know that he views her in this way.
It reminds me of John Lennon referring to Julian as a child born from too much liquor on a Saturday, whereas Sean Lennon was a wanted child that they tried for.
My sister met a guy who was divorced w/ 2 small children. They married and had a baby within a year. If I remember right, the kids were over several times during the week and every other weekend. This arrangement went on for a couple of years until her husband got offered a better paying job and decided to take it. It was about 6 hrs from his kids, but suddenly his ex quit cooperating w/ letting him visit or them visit. Found out she met someone and wanted her new bf to play their daddy. Don't think it couldn't happen. My sister said her husband was shocked at how his ex told the kids horrible lies about how he walked out on them.
Fast forward almost 20 yrs later, his kids have absolutely nothing to do w/ him or their sibling. My sister told me of one time her child sending one of the siblings a Face Book friend request and got denied. I would hate to see this be your story in 20 yrs.
It reminds me of John Lennon referring to Julian as a child born from too much liquor on a Saturday, whereas Sean Lennon was a wanted child that they tried for.
OUCH
I agree that the OP is using the possibility if losing his job as an excuse.
A huge meteor might hit the planet, too. Sounds like a solution looking for a problem.
I know your head is probably spinning from all of the suggestions and I can feel for you. Maybe there's somewhere within an hour or two that you could move to. You also will have to realize the financial toll that will take on driving a couple of hours along with the wear and tear on your car because it will be your responsibility for the trips to see your child.
My youngest was 13 when his father disowned them. (and I'm not saying you'll disown your kids) He was absent totally from this kids life when he needed a father's guidance the most. I tried my best to have strong male role models in his life, but there's no substitute for a Dad.
He missed out on so many good things about my son that it's not funny. He had maybe 3 meetings with my son before my son died. He's never admitted to me that he was wrong, yet he claims the credit for US raising good kids.
I knew his wife was a wolfe in sheep's clothing after my sons got to know her. If your new wife's intent is to "rid" you of your family, I think maybe it's time to look for a new wife.
Sorry to be so blunt, but there are some new wives that do exactly that, and quite frankly it's disgusting. How would she act if you two divorced and you wanted to do that?
I'll take it one step further - kids even yearn for a BAD DAD desperately if he moves away - imagine how she will yearn for a dad who's been active in her life on a weekly basis.
My oldest daughter had her first child at age 19 and thankfully didn't marry the dad, who was not only poor husband material, he was also poor dad material. At least she didn't compound one mistake with another, and she did keep the baby - our beautiful first grandchild. A few years later she married a terrific guy who eventually adopted this child. He had know my daughter since before she had the baby, and had been a good friend to her while she was pregnant, and after the baby was born, they eventually fell in love. We were all thrilled that our granddaughter had a stable father figure in her life, and were even happier when the natural father gave up his parental rights without a fight (he found the idea of getting out of child support to be very appealing, as well as the fact that he was assured he could still contact her and see her if it was agreeable to both of them), and the stepdad adopted her and became her "real dad."
The decision was amenable and pretty friendly all the way around, and the adoption took place when the child was about nine. The process was agreed upon and started earlier than that though. So we thought that she was emotionally fulfilled by her relationship with her adoptive dad, who has always been an excellent father to her. And they are very close - and she loves sharing the same last name as the rest of the family and has always considered him her "daddy" anyway.
My daughter and our family haven't cut off communications with the natural dad or his family - but with each passing year, he has been less and less involved in her life. By the time she was four, his visits were just once or twice a year and by the time she was seven or so, his phone calls had dwindled to once every few months and his visits to about once a year - and this was largely at the insistence of his mother and sisters, who do love our grandchild (I do feel especially sorry for them because they've lost her out of a sense of awkwardness due to his irresponsible behavior - we would certainly allow them to see her but it puts them in an awkward spot apparently so they also faded from her life, which had to be painful to her too).
We noticed that as he "faded away" from her life, she seemed much more emotional when he DID call or visit. I think she began to make up all sorts of reasons as to why he didn't invest more time in her - making excuses, and romanticizing his motives - as if he was fighting some big obstacle or something, as if all factors were simply beyond his control (it didn't help of course that he has the ultimate victim complex and was constantly making excuses for his lengthening absences from her life).
Now she won't even take his phone calls even though my daughter and her husband have made it very clear that he's welcome to call, and they don't try to undermine him (which would be very easy -and understandable - but not healthy). She is very gnarly about the subject, and emotionally volatile about it. I think she needs some counseling and I really hope she gets some before she becomes a teenager. She is a beautiful girl inside and out, but this is a big, big issue with her and I think she is going to feel the negative effects for her entire life.
OP, you WILL see less and less of her and call her less and less if you move away. She WILL take this as a personal rejection, and who could blame her? Do you really want to burden this little girl - and the young woman she will be soon - with this sort of rejection? Please don't do it.
You have children by at least three different women. You have complicated your lives and theirs, as well as the childrens' lives. You can't undo the damage that's already been done by these complications but you can step up and be a better father, starting today. You can use better judgment, make better decisions, starting right now - and you can be a good dad to your two younger children and make a positive difference in both their lives rather than being the catalyst that sends them into expensive counseling at the least, and into bad relationships and decisions eventually (very likely).
Thank you for all the responses, this is why I asked. To get differing opinions, and this is one of the largest public boards on the net so that's why I asked here. Of course I have asked others as well, family, co-workers, etc.
One is in the Navy, the other college.
For further clarification, some people here said she was abandoned once. That couldn't be farther from the truth. She is loved and cared for, has a ton of family, and quite frankly her family was doubled with step parents and their family, etc etc. Come Christmas, these kids get double presents now. Lets just put it that way.
What I need to reiterate, and what I'm stuck on, is that she (11 yo) has all her family out here, including her mother, etc. My wife and I have none, so it's all on me to provide. I'm not volunteering leaving, what I'm saying is that yes I am tired of certain aspects of the area we live in, so combined with a possible (but not guaranteed) drop in income, how is that fair to my wife and 2 y.o.? Or myself, frankly. So I have to tell them, that because Sister lives here and her mother is inflexible on her moving, that we are stuck until she is 18? You see how it is when put that way? It's like giving power to the ex and current wife is not a fan of that. Even though she "signed up" for it, that's the position that I am in.
I fully understand 11 yo is entering her tumultuous years, which worries me. That's why I haven't left, and I don't "want" to leave, if I did I would have. I love her and I love raising her, that's what I signed up for. That's what being a parent is. But clearly, when you move on with your life, marry someone, combine it with a new mobile society where job security is not in one physical area any more, etc, it's a game changer. But clearly it would have a profound effect on 11 yo so again, stuck between the welfare of my wife and 2 yo vs. split custody of 11 yo.
Just getting caught up reading. Reading the part I bolded, your current wife is pushing for this move. She's not a fan of your ex, period. She doesn't like sharing you w/ her. She just wants it to be you, her and your 2 yr old. She doesn't have any regard to your 11 yr old because she probably doesn't want anything to do w/ her. What the heck did she find so appealing to the area you live now if her family is so far away? Why now is it important for her to be near family? You're letting her control you and twist your thinking to think all will be fine. I'm guessing she'd like nothing better than to see your relationship w/ your 11 yr old dissolve so she can have you all to herself w/ her child. She doesn't want to share you. Wake up!
Just getting caught up reading. Reading the part I bolded, your current wife is pushing for this move. She's not a fan of your ex, period. She doesn't like sharing you w/ her. She just wants it to be you, her and your 2 yr old. She doesn't have any regard to your 11 yr old because she probably doesn't want anything to do w/ her. What the heck did she find so appealing to the area you live now if her family is so far away? Why now is it important for her to be near family? You're letting her control you and twist your thinking to think all will be fine. I'm guessing she'd like nothing better than to see your relationship w/ your 11 yr old dissolve so she can have you all to herself w/ her child. She doesn't want to share you. Wake up!
Bingo. 100%. It's so sad.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
