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Very much disagree. I think you are attributing a child like mind to adults. Kids do grow up and do turn into independent thinkers. I don't think putting your foot down as a parent is going to scar them for life. In this case, the OP is within her right to set standards. Until the anti hair washing movement becomes mainstream and shampoo ceases to be carried in stores, the girl should appear to be groomed. I've known of a few schools that will send home notes if a kid has hygiene problems. I can tell you that when my daughter was going thru her hygiene problems, she was stinky, especially her hair.
Heck, I grew up with fairly strict parents and then joined the military at 17 and stayed in til retirement. I am far from being an obedient robot incapable of making my own decisions.
True this.
Yes, we want our children, when they're adults, to challenge authority, in the right way, versus being robots. It's fine for a child to express their opinion to you while they're children, respectfully, and in fact you want them to, for their own safety and to communicate to them that their feelings matter and count. To a certain extent, you want to respect their "person-hood," who and what they are, etc.
However, as children, once the discussion has been held and the parent has stated their stance with a firm "and that's final" edict, the children are to obey. To me, I'd almost--I stress almost--go so far as to say their very reason for existing is to do what they're told by their parents. At the very least, that's their position in life at that time anyway. I have even told my children, and yes I was exaggerating but not that much, "you don't even BREATHE unless you have MY PERMISSION to do it." Sometimes it takes a little hyperbole, or exaggeration for effect, to get your point across.
Very much disagree. I think you are attributing a child like mind to adults. Kids do grow up and do turn into independent thinkers. I don't think putting your foot down as a parent is going to scar them for life. In this case, the OP is within her right to set standards. Until the anti hair washing movement becomes mainstream and shampoo ceases to be carried in stores, the girl should appear to be groomed. I've known of a few schools that will send home notes if a kid has hygiene problems. I can tell you that when my daughter was going thru her hygiene problems, she was stinky, especially her hair.
Heck, I grew up with fairly strict parents and then joined the military at 17 and stayed in til retirement. I am far from being an obedient robot incapable of making my own decisions.
I agree with you that putting your foot down as a parent is not going to scar them for life. But you need to choose wisely on the items that you put your foot down about, and when.
Perhaps we have differing knowledge on the current state of mainstream hygiene standards for young women. My dad told me recently that he remembers what it was like to be a parent, you had to do research about all sorts of things and keep your knowledge current, and he's glad as a grandparent that he doesn't have to do so much of that anymore, and that he's glad I do it well. Anyways, my point is that these days it is actually fairly acceptable for young women to wash their hair less frequently and use their "natural oils" as a styling product, as it were. I believe I saw a poll taken on a mothering forum a while ago that only about half of young women these days are actually washing their hair every day. The other half wash their hair much less often, or use alternate techniques such as only conditioning their hair, or using a shampoo alternative that doesn't strip the hair of it's oil. It has become a matter of personal preference, rather than a standard.
In the military, hair cleanliness is a standard, and as you were in for most (all?) of your young adult years, I can see how that would be your perception. My dad is also retired military, and would most likely feel the same way that you do.
There are definitely things that I put my foot down about. Homework, chores, cleaning up after yourself, behaving at school, etc. Yes, those are non-negotiable. But I make a conscious decision to differentiate between the non-negotiables from the negotiables, so that I can use the negotiables to teach my children how to negotiate and think for themselves. Hair care preferences at 10 years old does not affect general health or safety, or affect important life opportunities, or harm other people, so it is a negotiable. It is a perfect candidate for letting a young girl learn how to make her own decisions. IF the school actually sends a note home about it (which most wouldn't, these days), THEN it would become more of an issue, because it would be affecting how her teachers perceive her, and we'd have a big talk about how teachers need to have a good opinion of you so that they treat you better and you get good recommendations later on.
To me, I'd almost--I stress almost--go so far as to say their very reason for existing is to do what they're told by their parents. At the very least, that's their position in life at that time anyway. I have even told my children, and yes I was exaggerating but not that much, "you don't even BREATHE unless you have MY PERMISSION to do it." Sometimes it takes a little hyperbole, or exaggeration for effect, to get your point across.
Hmmm. I view parenting very differently. I do not feel my children exist for my benefit, to obey me. I feel that I exist for my children's benefit, to teach them and mold them into responsible and successful people who are able to enjoy a full and rewarding life. They are my responsibility, not my minions.
If you want something that will obey your every will without question, learn how to program a computer. That's what computers are for. Not children.
Very much disagree. I think you are attributing a child like mind to adults. Kids do grow up and do turn into independent thinkers. I don't think putting your foot down as a parent is going to scar them for life. In this case, the OP is within her right to set standards. Until the anti hair washing movement becomes mainstream and shampoo ceases to be carried in stores, the girl should appear to be groomed. I've known of a few schools that will send home notes if a kid has hygiene problems. I can tell you that when my daughter was going thru her hygiene problems, she was stinky, especially her hair.
Heck, I grew up with fairly strict parents and then joined the military at 17 and stayed in til retirement. I am far from being an obedient robot incapable of making my own decisions.
@pkbab, don't have time to write a lengthy response. I am aware of new hair care regimes. I'm not that out of touch or decrepit, lol. Not washing every day is fine. I have a very dry scalp and would probably benefit although I wash my hair everyday.....can't stand the feeling of unclean hair. That is just me. But let's use a bit of common sense too. When hair starts looking unkempt, greasy and smelly, I put my foot down. At least in my house. My house, my rules.
I'm not talking about a kid skipping a day or so with hair or showers. I'm talking about when hair gets really grungy. I assume this is what the OP is facing too. I guess we can agree to disagree on this one.
Yes, we want our children, when they're adults, to challenge authority, in the right way, versus being robots. It's fine for a child to express their opinion to you while they're children, respectfully, and in fact you want them to, for their own safety and to communicate to them that their feelings matter and count. To a certain extent, you want to respect their "person-hood," who and what they are, etc.
However, as children, once the discussion has been held and the parent has stated their stance with a firm "and that's final" edict, the children are to obey. To me, I'd almost--I stress almost--go so far as to say their very reason for existing is to do what they're told by their parents. At the very least, that's their position in life at that time anyway. I have even told my children, and yes I was exaggerating but not that much, "you don't even BREATHE unless you have MY PERMISSION to do it." Sometimes it takes a little hyperbole, or exaggeration for effect, to get your point across.
What if the parent reconsiders and decides the kid's argument is valid? Isn't it equally important for the parent to model behavior such as conceding there is more than one way to look at an issue, or admitting when she is wrong?
If children's very reason for existing is to do what they're told by their parents, then parents' very reason for existing is to teach children to be competent adults. IMO you don't get there by laying down the law and then refusing to budge regardless of the circumstances.
I'm not a wimpy parent and our daughter doesn't rule the roost at our house. But I try to model the behavior I want her to have, including listening to other people and being willing to compromise when it's called for.
Hmmm. I view parenting very differently. I do not feel my children exist for my benefit, to obey me. I feel that I exist for my children's benefit, to teach them and mold them into responsible and successful people who are able to enjoy a full and rewarding life. They are my responsibility, not my minions.
If you want something that will obey your every will without question, learn how to program a computer. That's what computers are for. Not children.
Well we can debate that all day long, but I like what John Rosemond said--by age 3, a good child (I'm paraphrasing) should understand it's his/her job to pay attention to his parents, not the other way around.
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