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Welcome to the club or should I say "times have changed?"
I know it is difficult to manage a 13 year old boy especially when he did not grow up with you, however, it is possible to get him to follow your rules. Forgive the pun but "been there, done that, wear the tee shirt." What I find is that some kids do not want to perform house cleaning or other duties that adults consider important in the home, that is how you grew up, but this teen did not grow that way, therefore, for you to get him on the right track you will have to find effective ways of doing so. Let's say you start over. Inform mom that you need to put aside time one day or evening to have a talk and up date certain matters, start out by complimenting her on how hard she works and that you know she does not have a lot of time at home with (let's call him Teen") Teen, you are enjoying his company, going to the movies, ect., ect., ect.....................however, the relationship is waning as he is not following up with his assigned duties. Can we sit down after breakfast on Saturday or Sunday morning and talk about things and even write a list of what is expected of him. With his input write his chores, the day they are to be performed and by what time they should be completed as you will be checking to see if they are being done as planned. Ensure mom and Teen are in agreement and the environment is pleasant throughout the discussion. Make plans at the same time for fun times you will be sharing with him making him understanding the assigned chores will have to be finished before leaving home. If the chores are in writing, hanging at a conspicuous spot on the kitchen or stuck to the refrigerator, he can hardly say he forgot.
Denying him of the TV, laptop, game box and other fun items may cause him to become resentful of you and I am sure you do not want your relationship with his mom to go awry. He just need to know that when he finishes his chores, he can have them. You also want to gain/continue/foster his respect for you and to see you as a reasonable "stepdad". One more thing to take into consideration, working along with him at times will help him to see the correct way of doing things and to see the way you want to have them done. Right now, you are the father figure in his life and he is observing you and will imitate you if you set the right example.
I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half, she has a 13 year old son. Father not in the picture, lives out of state. We basically started living together after the first few months, spending most of the time in her apartment, but about 9 months ago, she gave up her apartment and moved into my house.
I have always gotten along well with the kiddo. We do stuff together all the time. She has been a single parent for most of his life (since he was about 2), part of the time she lived with her parents and they helped.
I will preface this by saying my GF has a LOT going on in her life at the moment. A demanding work schedule and some other obligations relating to a sport she is heavily involved with. Time is always an issue. Sleep has been an issue. As a result, household chores have not always been a priority.
Since moving in with me, I have instituted some chores that have to be done every day. I reward him by giving home money sometimes, or by activities (trips to the movies, laser tag, comic books, etc). However, attention to detail is not his thing. Simple chores like emptying the dishwasher, setting the table, putting away laundry, etc either do not get done or get done half-ass. I am constantly having to go behind him and follow up.
I am also getting quite a bit of attitude when I ask him why he continues to do things poorly or not at all. I also get the "I forgot" routine, or "I don't know how to do that" stuff, even though we are talking about simple things here. After 9 months you know where all the dishes go, you know to close the cabinets when done, you know how to properly set a table and how to fold laundry, you know to bring in the mail when you get home from school.
The mother has been reluctant to punish him or take away privileges, due to some "self-threatening" things / actions he has done in the past. I don't want to get into that. But she too is kind of at her wits end about it.
I have gotten to the point where I am just unilaterally taking privileges away. No TV, No Laptop, no Internet, no X-box if stuff is done wrong.
I am asking how I can get this done. The child cannot, and does not take responsibility for ANYTHING he does wrong. He immediately makes up an excuse or blames (tries to) blame something else. Kid wants to do nothing but use the computer / internet, never volunteers to help around the house, when we NEED help, it's like pulling teeth to get help.
I am kind of at a loss, I am in my late 30's, never had kids, so I am still learning as I go, but it's at a point where it's starting to affect me.
I'm sure there are posters who will hiss and boo at this, but:
First, living together is not 'dating,' and
Second, it doesn't make you a stepparent.
Third, the fact that the father isn't in the picture probably contributes to the problem.
I think a kid in that position would figure his father abandoned him and you haven't made a real commitment to him or his mother either.
So- I believe the kid and his behavior is his mother's responsibility.
^^ Agree with the post above.
This is not your child, you need to back off and have the mom be a mom.
Help guide her, but ultimately, she is the one who needs to get her child to behave.
I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half, she has a 13 year old son. Father not in the picture, lives out of state. We basically started living together after the first few months, spending most of the time in her apartment, but about 9 months ago, she gave up her apartment and moved into my house.
I have always gotten along well with the kiddo. We do stuff together all the time. She has been a single parent for most of his life (since he was about 2), part of the time she lived with her parents and they helped.
I will preface this by saying my GF has a LOT going on in her life at the moment. A demanding work schedule and some other obligations relating to a sport she is heavily involved with. Time is always an issue. Sleep has been an issue. As a result, household chores have not always been a priority.
Since moving in with me, I have instituted some chores that have to be done every day. I reward him by giving home money sometimes, or by activities (trips to the movies, laser tag, comic books, etc). However, attention to detail is not his thing. Simple chores like emptying the dishwasher, setting the table, putting away laundry, etc either do not get done or get done half-ass. I am constantly having to go behind him and follow up.
I am also getting quite a bit of attitude when I ask him why he continues to do things poorly or not at all. I also get the "I forgot" routine, or "I don't know how to do that" stuff, even though we are talking about simple things here. After 9 months you know where all the dishes go, you know to close the cabinets when done, you know how to properly set a table and how to fold laundry, you know to bring in the mail when you get home from school.
The mother has been reluctant to punish him or take away privileges, due to some "self-threatening" things / actions he has done in the past. I don't want to get into that. But she too is kind of at her wits end about it.
I have gotten to the point where I am just unilaterally taking privileges away. No TV, No Laptop, no Internet, no X-box if stuff is done wrong.
I am asking how I can get this done. The child cannot, and does not take responsibility for ANYTHING he does wrong. He immediately makes up an excuse or blames (tries to) blame something else. Kid wants to do nothing but use the computer / internet, never volunteers to help around the house, when we NEED help, it's like pulling teeth to get help.
I am kind of at a loss, I am in my late 30's, never had kids, so I am still learning as I go, but it's at a point where it's starting to affect me.
Good luck. My girlfriend's son came to stay with us "temporarily" to save money, get a car and get a new start. He leaves a mess everywhere he goes, contributes nothing monetarily or with help around the house and has saved nothing in eight months. He's 37 years old. She makes excuses. I'm looking for a new place to live.
Good luck. My girlfriend's son came to stay with us "temporarily" to save money, get a car and get a new start. He leaves a mess everywhere he goes, contributes nothing monetarily or with help around the house and has saved nothing in eight months. He's 37 years old. She makes excuses. I'm looking for a new place to live.
There's a big, big, big difference between a 37-year-old and a 13-year-old...
OP I'm writing to you from the kid's shoes, of which I have some personal experience of. And of course, not seeing and knowing your regular day to day interactions my words may be way off the mark, but I'll attempt to offer a perspective that you haven't gotten too much of so far.
You mentioned a few pages back that you do talk a lot with the son, are you talking about this? I believe on page 10 you mentioned that you have no idea why the boy isn't putting away milk/getting mail when he used to, "maybe he's being rebellious?" Talk to him about this, ask him about it. If I'm not mistaken, the ride to school is 30 minutes. I feel that a captive environment such as car rides tend to be nice opportunities to really talk about something in depth. However, don't jump in both feet with an interrogation. Try to ease into it by understanding how he's doing in school (any difficulties), if the move has affected any friendships, and if he's been interested in anything lately other than band. This might shed some light into some aspects of his undesirable behavior. Help him understand that you care for him because of him, and not because you're with his mom. From our perspective it’s a foregone conclusion. However, providing a better house and material goods doesn't really matter to the boy. They're just things. In his mind, everything he’s received is a byproduct of you being with his mom. You have to show that you care for him as a person too, not because you’re with his mom, but because the kid is the kid.
In my experience, that’s the key issue here, and once that is established, it's simple to ask him why he isn’t doing chores and communicate why it’s important to you. It’s also something to consider that the boy may not understand why the chores are so important – yes they’re a sign of responsibility, but you also expect him to pitch in because for greater or less, you’re considering him a part of your family. This is what family does together around the house. Right now, they're just annoying duties that you keep nagging about.
Your relationship with his mom is another subject entirely and one I won't postulate on, you've received a lot of advice already. I've taken more than a few liberties in my reply and slapped on a healthy dose of feel good we're-a-happy-family mush. OP I hope it helps, and that the situation improves.
Teenagers should all be rounded up and sent to the moon until they're about 25. (just kidding of course) Teenagers aren't easy, but stick to the rules and be consistant.
A counsellor once told me: choose your battles wisely. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
There's a big, big, big difference between a 37-year-old and a 13-year-old...
Not all of them, that's my problem.
But if the 13 year old doesn't learn some good habits...
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