GF and son living with me - getting kid to follow the rules (stepdad, punishment)

[Beezwacks]

I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half, she has a 13 year old son. Father not in the picture, lives out of state. We basically started living together after the first few months, spending most of the time in her apartment, but about 9 months ago, she gave up her apartment and moved into my house.

I have always gotten along well with the kiddo. We do stuff together all the time. She has been a single parent for most of his life (since he was about 2), part of the time she lived with her parents and they helped.

I will preface this by saying my GF has a LOT going on in her life at the moment. A demanding work schedule and some other obligations relating to a sport she is heavily involved with. Time is always an issue. Sleep has been an issue. As a result, household chores have not always been a priority.

Since moving in with me, I have instituted some chores that have to be done every day. I reward him by giving home money sometimes, or by activities (trips to the movies, laser tag, comic books, etc). However, attention to detail is not his thing. Simple chores like emptying the dishwasher, setting the table, putting away laundry, etc either do not get done or get done half-ass. I am constantly having to go behind him and follow up.

I am also getting quite a bit of attitude when I ask him why he continues to do things poorly or not at all. I also get the "I forgot" routine, or "I don't know how to do that" stuff, even though we are talking about simple things here. After 9 months you know where all the dishes go, you know to close the cabinets when done, you know how to properly set a table and how to fold laundry, you know to bring in the mail when you get home from school.

The mother has been reluctant to punish him or take away privileges, due to some "self-threatening" things / actions he has done in the past. I don't want to get into that. But she too is kind of at her wits end about it.

I have gotten to the point where I am just unilaterally taking privileges away. No TV, No Laptop, no Internet, no X-box if stuff is done wrong.

I am asking how I can get this done. The child cannot, and does not take responsibility for ANYTHING he does wrong. He immediately makes up an excuse or blames (tries to) blame something else. Kid wants to do nothing but use the computer / internet, never volunteers to help around the house, when we NEED help, it's like pulling teeth to get help.

I am kind of at a loss, I am in my late 30's, never had kids, so I am still learning as I go, but it's at a point where it's starting to affect me.

[JustJulia]

In his old life, he probably did not have to do many chores. His mother moved him into someone else's house, and this person makes him do chores and probably makes his life uncomfortable in many ways.

Teenager + boy with no dad + boy/man power struggle + quasi-stepdad issues

Welcome to parenthood. You're jumping in with both feet.

[Ms_Christina]

Just keep at it. Welcome to being a step parent.

[Hedgehog_Mom]

It's the age. I have a 13 year old daughter who is a great kid and I still have to remind her to do the same chores every day. She knows how to do them all and even how to do more complicated things like cook or run loads of laundry, but if she has the choice, she'll spend every minute sitting in her bed, listening to music and sketching. She'll only come out to do her chores if I go into her room, wave my hands at her face until she takes the headphones off, and then say into her face what I want her to do.

My guess is that the money or activities you give to the kid don't seem like enough to him, so he figures, why bother? Things cost more than they did when we were kids...if I give my kid 5 dollars a week, which would have been a decent allowance when I was a kid, that's only half a movie ticket. I don't think throwing more money at him is the solution, though. I think asking him to do the chores because he's part of the team and everyone has to pitch in around the house is the solution. Make the money or activities something that's not dependent on the chores so he doesn't have to decide whether the chores are worth the money he's getting.

Also, if his mom has always let a lot of household chores go and they've just lived in a messy apartment, he probably sees all of this as unnecessary things you're just coming up with to drive him crazy. He's never had to do any of it before and life was fine, so why does he have to do it now? It's harder to teach a kid why they have to do things than it is to yell at them to do things or threaten them to make them do things. You're a good example to him because you're doing things every day, but he needs to see his mom pitching in around the house too. I know you said she had a busy schedule, but sometimes as an adult we have to put less time into our hobbies (which is really what a sport comes down to unless you're a pro athlete) and more time into our daily obligations. You sound like a sweet deal for her...a house to live in with a built-in cook and housekeeper who is also willing to take on the task of parenting her teen. But she's got to be willing to make time for household tasks too if the two of you are going to expect her son to do chores too.

[Beezwacks]

Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom

It's the age. I have a 13 year old daughter who is a great kid and I still have to remind her to do the same chores every day.

Everybody tells me this, but quite honestly I don't really find it to be a valid excuse. I am approaching 40, and I realize it's a different "times" now, but there is no f'ing way I would have been allowed to act like he is and had any semblance of a good existance until my attitude changed

My guess is that the money or activities you give to the kid don't seem like enough to him, so he figures, why bother? Things cost more than they did when we were kids...if I give my kid 5 dollars a week, which would have been a decent allowance when I was a kid, that's only half a movie ticket. I don't think throwing more money at him is the solution, though. I think asking him to do the chores because he's part of the team and everyone has to pitch in around the house is the solution. Make the money or activities something that's not dependent on the chores so he doesn't have to decide whether the chores are worth the money he's getting.

It's definitely not the money. We agreed on a price, he never has much money, and is happy to have any. They come from meager means and his mom never gave him an allowance

Also, if his mom has always let a lot of household chores go and they've just lived in a messy apartment, he probably sees all of this as unnecessary things you're just coming up with to drive him crazy. He's never had to do any of it before and life was fine, so why does he have to do it now?

This is definitely part of it, he has never had to do them. In fact he told me once he does not mind living in a mess. My jaw about dropped to the floor when he said this

It's harder to teach a kid why they have to do things than it is to yell at them to do things or threaten them to make them do things. You're a good example to him because you're doing things every day, but he needs to see his mom pitching in around the house too. I know you said she had a busy schedule, but sometimes as an adult we have to put less time into our hobbies (which is really what a sport comes down to unless you're a pro athlete) and more time into our daily obligations.

Don't get me wrong, she does stuff around the house now, but I get home from work first, so it's always me getting on him about it...

You sound like a sweet deal for her...a house to live in with a built-in cook and housekeeper who is also willing to take on the task of parenting her teen. But she's got to be willing to make time for household tasks too if the two of you are going to expect her son to do chores too.

Believe me, we have already had the conversation about that topic...

[Beezwacks]

Originally Posted by JustJulia

In his old life, he probably did not have to do many chores.

True

His mother moved him into someone else's house, and this person makes him do chores and probably makes his life uncomfortable in many ways.

Other than making im clean up after himself and not be a complete slob, his life, living conditions, food, etc is actually much better than it has ever been, so that's what kills me about this, he's completely taking me for granted

Teenager + boy with no dad + boy/man power struggle + quasi-stepdad issues

I guess, but is this an excuse?

Welcome to parenthood. You're jumping in with both feet.

I am...

[JustJulia]

It's not an excuse, no. But you are stepping into a parental role at the beginning of a crucial time in a young person's development, a time that many parents may feel is the most difficult, trying time in their relationship with their child. You don't have the history together to help you through this time. The boy may be intentionally or unintentionally testing his mother, to see if she will side with you and abandon him, or side with him and abandon you.

I think until you marry his mom and probably adopt him, you're not going to be squarely in the dad role. You have a right to how your home looks, but discipline really should be up to his mother.

[Adhom]

Originally Posted by JustJulia

It's not an excuse, no. But you are stepping into a parental role at the beginning of a crucial time in a young person's development, a time that many parents may feel is the most difficult, trying time in their relationship with their child. You don't have the history together to help you through this time. The boy may be intentionally or unintentionally testing his mother, to see if she will side with you and abandon him, or side with him and abandon you.

I think until you marry his mom and probably adopt him, you're not going to be squarely in the dad role. You have a right to how your home looks, but discipline really should be up to his mother.

Yes, the OP obviously has no experience with kids because you aren't asking the right questions. What have you done to earn the kid's respect for him to want to do what you say? Some parents even have trouble getting that from their own kids and you're just a new boyfriend. How many boyfriends has his mom had who moved in with them? How does he know whether a relationship with you will last so why should he invest anything in it?

[Dr. Duffy]

This is a tough role for you, and others have made some good points. Part of what makes this difficult is that you're essentially stepping into a parenting role without formally doing so and without a well-established relationship with him as a foundation. That's further complicated by the fact that you're expecting things his mother isn't, and she isn't on board with your efforts at discipline.

I would suggest that you and your girlfriend have a conversation about what the expectations are to be in the house and what the rewards and sanctions will be for performance. Part of that would need to include definitions of things - for example: putting away the laundry means folded neatly and placed in the appropriate drawer. The two of you, once you're on the same page, should sit him down and give a very clear outline of the expectations and the results of his choice to meet them or not. It will be most effective if she can be seen as her introducing it with you in a support role. If not, it's important for her to at least express her support and say that since she can't be home, you are in the role of watching this and he should listen to you.

I would also plan and predict with her that it's going to be hard for her because of her concerns and also predict that he will report back how mean you are, but that the two of you need to be on the same page with expectations in the house.

[mtpfoodie]

This is an issue that comes up a lot in marriages between two people with different cleanliness habits and I think I can offer you some tips from that standpoint. Show him once or twice exactly what you want him to do, even if you think it is a chore that absolutely everyone already knows how to do. Do not go behind him and redo any of the work yourself. Call him over and tell him what needs to be redone and why in a calm manner. "This bowl is not clean, there is still grease along the back of it." The tone is everything here. You want to impress upon him that you are not making a value judgment, you just want the thing properly completed. Over time, he will likely get less defensive about this and remember what needs to be done. Be really specific in your instructions. "Please take out the trash by 5pm." "When you load the dishwasher after dinner, please place the knives facing blades up." It is tremendously easy to think someone is purposely screwing things up when in reality they may really not know certain things or they just do not "see" the same mess you see because of your differing standards. Set him up for success when you give him tasks to complete so you don't have to be constantly dishing out punishment or living in a home that you feel is not up to your standards! :-) I can't speak to whatever parent/child tension might be going on, but some of this may help keep the place neat.