12 yr old stepdaughter has no hygiene concept (method, parent, girl)
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To the coward who repped me to shame me, the situations the op mentioned are red flags for sexually abused kids. I didn't say she had been, but the red flags are there. If you have taken advanced training in working with kids who have been sexually abused, you would see them too.
Besides that, there is clearly a lot of self esteem issues and shame in this topic. Bottom line.
My mother worked as an elementary school guidance counselor for 20 years, after 20 years as a homeroom teacher. She worked with a particularly at-risk population as a guidance counselor for many years and she saw a lot of terrible things. SO MANY of her encounters with children who were sexually abused by a family member or family friend began with investigations into issues of hygiene problems. Especially with kids who would refuse to wipe. For this reason and this reason alone, a mental health professional should be enlisted.
My mother worked as an elementary school guidance counselor for 20 years, after 20 years as a homeroom teacher. She worked with a particularly at-risk population as a guidance counselor for many years and she saw a lot of terrible things. SO MANY of her encounters with children who were sexually abused by a family member or family friend began with investigations into issues of hygiene problems. Especially with kids who would refuse to wipe. For this reason and this reason alone, a mental health professional should be enlisted.
Thank you! Shame, low self esteem, being over weight, poor hygiene are all red flags. Does it mean the child has been abused? No. But its issues that need a professional to navigate. Not petty punishments and further shaming.
I wasn't going to add anything, all the more so since it looks like the OP didn't bother to return. It strikes me as funny, though, how parents have become so frightened of saying anything negative to kids for fear of triggering shame or low self-esteem. Wonder if that's why so many are doing so poorly in school.
Anyway, as I said, I had nothing to add until the post about washing underwear made me think of something. Maybe one idea is to dangle (figuratively) nice underwear. I was taught that if you have pretty underwear, you should indeed wash it by hand. Not as a punishment, but because it's delicate. I wonder what would happen if the adults began: "Do you like pretty underwear, like this sky-blue one with the lace trim? I think it's very pretty, but I just don't know if you're ready for it yet. If I buy it for you, we have to be clear on a couple of things first..."
Where is her mother in all of this ? are you married to her father or are you just the gf ? if you are just the gf there is not much you can do without the mother and the father involved in this . I mean I think she might be going through a phase but the hand washing of her undies is a good idea and let her know that if you see her undies in the family laundry she cannot go anywhere with you all until she has cleaned her undies . Maybe then it will sink in . I do think that maybe one of the parents has fallen down on the job of talking to her about personal hygiene mainly mother . That is part of being a mother explaining to your daughter that she needs to keep her body clean and to use deodorant and brush teeth and brush hair etc ...Yeah I think all of you , the daughter , the mother , the stepmother and the daddy need to go to family counseling and work this out . If her mother does not want to go then that right there should tell you where the problem lays .
Good god, don't shame her by forcing her to hand wash her underwire to make her submit. Worst thing you could do to a child already struggling with self esteem. How cruel.
Hmm..maybe this is some kind of cultural difference? In my culture, as young ladies we learn to hand wash our underwear and it is the norm. All the women in my family still do it well into adulthood and it is not a big deal. Nothing to do with submission and everything to do with cleanliness and because sometimes washing machines don't wash everything properly so at least by hand washing first, problem solved.
Hmm..maybe this is some kind of cultural difference? In my culture, as young ladies we learn to hand wash our underwear and it is the norm. All the women in my family still do it well into adulthood and it is not a big deal. Nothing to do with submission and everything to do with cleanliness and because sometimes washing machines don't wash everything properly so at least by hand washing first, problem solved.
But in this case it's done under the premise of "your gross and dirty so you can't wash your underwear with with rest of other things"
My post about making our careless daughter hand wash her nasty underwear was not to shame her. It simply was to teach her that nobody else in the family was going to be subjected to handling her underwear because it was unpleasant and if she wasn't willing to wash it herself, we certainly weren't going to.
At the time my husband was in charge of all laundry and he put his foot down about having to see or handle it. I think she was about 8 or 9 when she went through that stage. It hasn't come up since. We finally figured out that it was a matter of her being in a hurry. She didn't want to take the time to "do the paperwork" for fear she would miss out on some fun.
For some time our young daughter did have some issues. When i found her underwear stained I made her hand wash it all and she was not allowed to put it in the washing machine. Once , on the way out the door to a function, I saw she had put dirty underwear in the pile in the laundry room. I refused to start the car until she hand washed it. Guess what...no more stained underwear.
Now she is weeks away from turning 13 and I'm having a hard time getting her to use deodorant or sun block every morning. She and her sister walk a mile to and from school every day and I thought she would stink up her clothes but apparently this isn't happening. I have smelled her clothes and no odor. OK I'll let that go until it gets really warm. Now I think the sun block is really important.
Your step daughter may have other issues besides personal hygiene but to jump to the conclusion she has been sexually molested is a bit out there. I would suggest preparing a special bathroom or locker kit for her which would include deodorant, period supplies with wipes and clean underwear, sun block, nail files or clippers and emery boards, lip gloss (clear) etc.
Don't put her in a defensive position by bringing these issues up when you feel she is stinky or unkempt. At a non stress time present her with the kit(s) and tell her you are proud of the young woman she is becoming and with maturity comes responsibilities like taking care of her body the way a young woman should. Let her know this is a reward...not a punishment. Is her mother the same way? Maybe she's just not getting instruction at home and has no one to follow. And she may resent you telling her what to do because "you are not my real Mom". If you have good communication with her Mom together you can decide how to tackle the problem in a way which will not put her on the defensive.
Gross. Yeah, I'm sure it gets washed real well that way. Not. Why can't you teach her how to use the washing machine and let her wash all of her clothes using the machine? Heck, I raised boys, and each of my boys was doing all of their own laundry using the machines starting at age 12. That is what washing machines are for -- cleaning dirty clothes. Did you never wash dirty diapers?
If she puts sunblock on every time she goes out, how does she get her vitamin D? Or is she vitamin D deficient? Do you know?
I am all for natural Vitamin D acquisition and am happy to say I got a good dose of it today.
She's just a child. She will grow out of it and if she doesn't then accept it. I have a daughter same age and exact same "concerns". Society is what tells us we should be a certain way. Of course you want her to take care of herself and have good hygiene. I want that for my daughter too. All you can do is set good examples and promote health. What female, taking menstrual cycle into consideration, hasn't stained something? Honestly. Just be there for her, highlight the good things about her so she will WANT to take care of herself. Besides, when the itch for boys begins, she'll make an effort. I grew up riding horses. I smelled like a barn all the time. I still come in and my kids complain I smell like "barn", as they call it. I can't stand the smell of my daughter's bedroom. So, I have her clean it, reorganize, clean furniture drawers & sometimes a fresh coat of paint on walls. Yes it takes time but isn't that really all a kid wants from a parent anyway? Good luck to you. I hope you help her begin to feel better about herself. Please do not listen to these judgmental comments about something being wrong with this child. They probably aren't even parents. She doesn't need a doctor and lord knows she doesn't need medication. Let her be a kid for crying out loud. Doesn't last that long.
Gross. Yeah, I'm sure it gets washed real well that way. Not. Why can't you teach her how to use the washing machine and let her wash all of her clothes using the machine? Heck, I raised boys, and each of my boys was doing all of their own laundry using the machines starting at age 12. That is what washing machines are for -- cleaning dirty clothes. Did you never wash dirty diapers?
If she puts sunblock on every time she goes out, how does she get her vitamin D? Or is she vitamin D deficient? Do you know?
I am all for natural Vitamin D acquisition and am happy to say I got a good dose of it today.
I started washing my own laundry at 9. No need for shaming.
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