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I don't know that I have any good suggestions for you as my son didn't get out of hand as much as your daughter. I wish I knew then what I know now.
I think you've gotten some pretty good suggestions here and it's up to you to decide what will work best for you.
I did have a couple of problems with him and over the counter drugs during high school. I was a good parent and he was a good kid, BUT, he was a teenager and I used to pray that my kids didn't make the bad choices that I made as a teen, but he did and he died at age 21.
He was doing well in life, but he made one bad choice regarding drinking and OTC drugs and it killed him.
I don't know if it'll help or not, but I posted a topic in POC and had it moved to the Parenting forum. It's about dispelling the myths of youth and drugs and alcohol. I wish I would have educated him more, but even good parents lose their kids to bad choices that the kids make. The subject gets a little off topic, but I think it's something that parents of teens should read, even those who think their kids wouldn't drink or do drugs.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I hope you're able to turn things around with her. It not easy being a single parent.
maybe that's bad word choice " control" but hopefully you see what I mean. She's 16. Her mom and I fought daily for so many years about everything she eventually left. I can't get any compliance out of her. I don't even come down on her about small stuff, just big stuff. Her grades are pitiful, I said I'd get a tutor, huge fight. She got suspended from school and maybe I went with the wrong approach by being calm and wanting to know what was really going on, huge fight. I ask her to do some things around the house, she says " I'm not a slave, it's your ... house. She came home tanked, I said she was grounded I got a " Yeah, ok, sure." response. I could go on for days about our fights but I'll keep it brief. I can't follow through, I say I'll ground, she laughs it off, it's over. I think the problem is that I fought so much with her mom, I have nothing left in the tank. I feel like a basketball that played way too many triple overtime games and is now too drained to carry on.
Send her away. She is out of control. That is no way for her to behave. (even if you and her mother kept fighting all the time).
maybe that's bad word choice " control" but hopefully you see what I mean. She's 16. Her mom and I fought daily for so many years about everything she eventually left. I can't get any compliance out of her. I don't even come down on her about small stuff, just big stuff. Her grades are pitiful, I said I'd get a tutor, huge fight. She got suspended from school and maybe I went with the wrong approach by being calm and wanting to know what was really going on, huge fight. I ask her to do some things around the house, she says " I'm not a slave, it's your ... house. She came home tanked, I said she was grounded I got a " Yeah, ok, sure." response. I could go on for days about our fights but I'll keep it brief. I can't follow through, I say I'll ground, she laughs it off, it's over. I think the problem is that I fought so much with her mom, I have nothing left in the tank. I feel like a basketball that played way too many triple overtime games and is now too drained to carry on.
Sounds like a classic pushover parent situation. I don't know how you're going to be able to man up at this point. It's a lot easier to maintain control. Hard to establish it and get it back. The thing this child needs is a good bend over the knee spanking (yes, at 16). Ah, if only we allowed that in our society these days. Unfortunately that'll only lead to CPS coming to your house followed by the militarized police escorting you out of your own door where you'll spend the next year or so getting rammed by the feminized court system.
I think the problem is that I fought so much with her mom, I have nothing left in the tank. I feel like a basketball that played way too many triple overtime games and is now too drained to carry on.
I think the problem is - you fought so much with her mom that you taught your daughter that fighting, daily, is normal and that's how you deal with life. That's all your daughter's ever known.
maybe that's bad word choice " control" but hopefully you see what I mean. She's 16. Her mom and I fought daily for so many years about everything she eventually left. I can't get any compliance out of her. I don't even come down on her about small stuff, just big stuff. Her grades are pitiful, I said I'd get a tutor, huge fight. She got suspended from school and maybe I went with the wrong approach by being calm and wanting to know what was really going on, huge fight. I ask her to do some things around the house, she says " I'm not a slave, it's your ... house. She came home tanked, I said she was grounded I got a " Yeah, ok, sure." response. I could go on for days about our fights but I'll keep it brief. I can't follow through, I say I'll ground, she laughs it off, it's over. I think the problem is that I fought so much with her mom, I have nothing left in the tank. I feel like a basketball that played way too many triple overtime games and is now too drained to carry on.
See if there's some way to arrange an arrest and perhaps overnight in jail for her delinquency. Maybe report her drinking. Maybe a night of "tough love" could make some difference.
Just a suggestion. And I have seen appropriate parenting backfire. But it's worth a try in my opinion. Get other advice though.
Do you really want my answer? My son was 14 and giving me heck. He'd disappear for days... get plastered... failed a drug test for benzodiazapene (I gave him the test).
How in Hades could I get my DS, who is 6'4, to do a drug test if he wouldn't cooperate? Offer him a cookie?
SO I turned him in to youth services and got him in a program and put a tracking bracelet on his ankle, monitored by the police. He wore it for 2 years until the day I took him to participate in the National Guard Youth Challenge Program (they're in every state). Ummm.... what else....?
My DS was on probation for making false statements to police. They ordered him on an ankle monitor, then they didn't have any available Finally they found one, but it didn't work. We were told to call every time we left the house---he was under house arrest--we were to call when we left and came back. Then, I was told we were calling too much! Turned out the monitor system wasn't working, they even admitted it! He wa supposed to be on the ankle monitor one month, but they took it off early because they needed it for someone else!
I'd seriously document everything - stick it on a big calendar. Then when the cops pic her up for underage drinking or worse, you can show the pattern. But I'd get busy figuring out who can help you. There's an answer somewhere. Maybe some kind of extreme sport activity. If she can't pass a drug test she needs to be in treatment or the NGYCP or custody... She's a juve. Soon she won't be. Don't make her look back and wonder why you didn't do more.
I so agree with you and good for you doing so! One night I went to the door and there stood 2 cops and 2 social workers. They wanted to check on the welfare of my children. At 1 am? Well, I had no choice but to let them in. Turned out DS had inflicted minor scratches on himself, then called cops and told them I had stabbed him! He was so in the habit of calling CPS whenever he didn't like something, but he stepped over the line when he called cops. CPS encourages the kid to say anything, but cops don't like being lied to. Just so happened I had a folder about an inch thick of his previous calls to CPS, all the investigations we had, all ruled out. When they saw that, they changed their tune. They arrested him on the spot and he spent 60 days in juve for making false statements to a police officer. The police told me if it weren't for my documentation, they would have arrested ME!
I'm glad things have worked out for you, but everything we've done has been a dead end.
Counselling might be a good idea if you can get her to go. Good luck!
Counseling was a bust for us, too! Because we were under CPS scrutiny, seemed we almost always had an open case. No sooner would one case be closed out than another would open. It was DS making the complaints 99% of the time, or sometimes he would complain to a mandated reported, usually a school official, who was then required to make a report on his behalf. Regardless, we were almost always under scrutiny. Therefore, we couldn't get a private mental health counselor in town to work with us as long as we had an open CPS case. We were court-ordered to counseling, then had to work with the counselors the county provided, who just made things worse. They didn't have a clue what they were truly dealing with, didn't have access to his police records, had no knowledge of his constant, unfounded complaints to CPS, nor any idea of his physically attacking me on several occasions. All they knew was what he told them, due to privacy, HIPPA, etc. We, the parents, were treated like dirt bags based on his complaints, which empowered him. WTH did he want? We never knew, just that he liked seeing us squirm.
We tried counseling on our own when we could access it logistically---no open CPS cases. But we found it lame at best. They have no magic wand. They would say things like "You should tell him you don't like being hit" or to him" you really shouldn't do drugs, it makes your parents unhappy". This was to a kid 14, 15, 16, etc, not some little toddler being told not to run in the street.
We're at a crossroads now. I sincerely want to help him go forward, but we have few resources left for ourselves, let alone him. My aunt had a similar problem with her daughter. Finally, my aunt gave he dd an apt with a year's paid lease, deposits, furniture, stocked with food, a nice used car, then told her that's the last you get from me. I've given you a running start, you now have something to work with, but don't come whining to me again. Her DD was about 22 then. I certainly don't have that kind of money, at least not now. I would like to set up Ds in such a manner he has no excuse to come back to me, like my aunt did with her DD. BTW, the DD ended up a drug addict, on the streets, then "adopted" by a motorcycle gang......no one's heard from her in years, Aunt died..........some situations you simply can't control.........
See if there's some way to arrange an arrest and perhaps overnight in jail for her delinquency. Maybe report her drinking. Maybe a night of "tough love" could make some difference.
Just a suggestion. And I have seen appropriate parenting backfire. But it's worth a try in my opinion. Get other advice though.
Sorry, but that's just wishful thinking.
A few years ago, cops knocked at my door at 3 am, with my dd, then 16, in tow. I was shocked, I didn't even know she was out of the house. She reeked of vomit and alcohol. They found he passed out on a park bench. She was able to tell them her address. I was shocked and outraged. I wanted them to take her to jail, but they refused, saying she was sick, she needed to be home. So much for tough love. They then chewed ME out in front of her---don't carry on with he, she's had a bad time, we all get drunk occasionally---yep, that's what they said, although no one would believe it. Then when cops left she used it against me----chill, biotch! haven't you ever been drunk? No, not to the point I was passed out on a park bench at 3am! No wonder the kids have no respect for us!
You need to show her who's boss. You're the parent. She's the child. Don't let her run the show. Your rules reign supreme. She can either get with the program or face the consequences.
Be calm and collected but firm and decisive. Your word is law in that household. If she can't accept that, there should be hell to pay. Don't let her get off with treating you like crap. If you really care about your daughter you need to teach her discipline. The real world doesn't take too kindly to smarta** kids who think too highly of themselves. Smack her into reality.
I really feel for any Parent raising a Daughter, IMO, boys are so much easier. When girls hit their teens they get a little nutty and hard to reach. We just had a situation here where an 18 year old girl shot and killed herself because her BF broke up with her and posted his new GF picture on Face Book.
Wish I had some sage advice for you, Dad, but I raised two Sons, and they were a piece of cake. Let's face it, we men don't understand women as it is, so throw teen years into the mix and you really have a perfect storm.
Don
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Advice:
She is out of control. 
Finally they found one, but it didn't work. We were told to call every time we left the house---he was under house arrest--we were to call when we left and came back. Then, I was told we were calling too much! Turned out the monitor system wasn't working, they even admitted it! He wa supposed to be on the ankle monitor one month, but they took it off early because they needed it for someone else!
