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I have a daughter in high school who is involved in a couple of extra-curricular activities, one of which is color guard. CG are the flag wavers and they do routines to music and are considered part of the band. They perform at football games and do other on- and off-campus performances and competitions.
I contribute to all the fundraisers and take snacks to events when asked. My husband helped build a major prop that the guard has been using this year. I also help coach another activity in which my daughter is involved.
I went to most of the in-town games to watch the CG and because I enjoy them as a social event. My husband went to a few games, but he hates crowds so he doesn't enjoy them as much as I do. We didn't go to any out-of-town games or any out-of-town competitions. I don't like to drive on the highway at night anymore because I don't feel like I see very well. Also, the competitions are boring, to be honest. You sit for hours, the performances aren't very good and our guard performs for about 3 minutes out of the day.
The guard participates in an annual parade our city has. I hate the parade. It's at night, it's super crowded and people drink all day in anticipation. I have not gone either of the years my daughter has marched in it, although I could have, either as a chaperon or just watching. Instead, I stayed home and read a book.
When I said something about not going to a friend, she gave me a "look." She didn't say so, but I know that when her kids were in high school, she never missed a single event they participated in, whether it was major or minor, in town or out of town. I'm sure she was appalled that I skipped the parade.
I know that there are lots of parents that are the same way. They never miss a single event and they photograph and videotape it all, either for themselves or for Facebook.
I asked my daughter if she wished I went to everything and she sort of laughed and said, "No." I told her I'd go to everything if she wanted me to.
I feel like I'm very supportive of my daughter. I also feel like she and I have lives apart from one another and I don't feel obligated to go to everything she ever participates in. When she was younger I did, but at this point I feel like those activities are hers and that she enjoys them with her friends whether I'm there or not.
Do you or did you go to every single event for your children once they were in high school? Did you ever miss an event or competition just because you didn't want to go?
I asked my daughter if she wished I went to everything and she sort of laughed and said, "No." I told her I'd go to everything if she wanted me to.
To me, this ^^ is the key.
Too bad your friend judged you. I approach high school activities the way you do. I go to what I feel like is "enough" for my family but like your husband I avoid situations that make me really uncomfortable.
My youngest son is 7 years younger than my older sons, and I started off being VERY hands-off during his elementary years. In fact, one day in second grade a friend texted me and told me he was upset in the library because I wasn't there to go through the book fair with him. I was working from home, so I got up and went over there (4 minutes away). I learned that it matters more to a younger child to have their parent show up at school every once in a while.
I pretty much do what I enjoy doing, but I ASK my kids what THEY want. I take a cue from them.
I see a LOT of our band parents who do everything but march and carry an instrument. Talk about living vicariously!
I think its weird when a parent goes to everything their kid is involved in all the way through HS. I think its even weirder when they boast about it or judge based on it.
Seems like you struck a fine balance between being there, and letting her do things on her own.
The other thing to consider is that maybe since your daughter knows you don't want to do this stuff, she said she didn't care if you attended, but she'd really like it if you did go.
I went to every home gymnastics meet my kids team was in, and quite a few of the away meets, as most weren't really that far away. Ditto the diving meets the one season my younger daughter did that. The older one was in a girl scout troop that went on through high school, and they always marched in our town's Christmas Parade of Lights. We went to all of those.
No, I never passed on an event just b/c I didn't feel like going, and when I started working full time, there were a few days where I would have rather just gone home and read a book than go to yet another gymnastics meet. These meets, BTW, are similar to the OP's daughter's competitions; they're long, they can be kind of boring at times b/c your own kid's team is only up for part of the meet, and your own kid only for part of that. Just to answer your question, not passing judegment.
They never miss a single event and they photograph and videotape it all, either for themselves or for Facebook.
Now THIS is my soap box. PARENTS, PUT DOWN THE FREAKING IPHONES, IPADS, VIDEO RECORDERS AND JUST ENJOY YOUR CHILDREN'S MOMENT! Please? What do you think your kid wants to see most, your smiling face when they look out into the crowd, or their entire preschool holiday performance played at a later date? I get it, sometimes you want to show daddy who is working, or grandma who is out of town. Take a short video (they don't want to sit through 25 minutes of a recording anyways) and just *be there*, in the moment, making that memory with your child.
We attended every baseball, soccer, and football game our kids played in during elementary, middle and high school. We enjoyed it!
On the other hand, some sports are torturous for spectators. Wrestling matches that last an entire day where your kid is on the mat for a couple of minutes is one, track and field was another that seemed interminable. We went to some, but not the bulk of them.
We always went to band concerts, but not competitions, which were out of state.
I don't think parents who attend these types of events are over-involved, but neither should they feel guilty if they can't devote every weekend to them.
Generally H and I both went to home events when the kids were in high school and middle school. Away events depended on the weather and distance. Often only one of us would go as the other would be hanging out with the other child.
I agree with the above--track and field meets--arghh! We usually left after our kid ran, and often arrived after the start of the meet. Swim meets on the other hand went by quickly as there was no wait time between events. Orchestra and band concerts were fine.
My middle daughter is on the Junior Special Olympics teams for bowling and basketball through school, and I have gone to almost all of her games. We had a conflict for one basketball game, and I let her go with friends. I have missed a few practices ... maybe one or two per year for the last three years? Recently I was dog tired after work and just did not feel like driving across town and sitting in some bleachers for an hour and a half. She is involved with many things and needs to be taken places once or twice a week, so I am okay with not being up for it from time to time.
Thank you for responding and it's interesting to read about different approaches. I'm comfortable with what I'm doing and believe that my daughter is happy with the level of support she gets from us.
I wish there were a teenager forum to read about how kids feel about parental attendance at events.
One of my fonder memories growing up is singing in the church choir as a middle-schooler, and my parents showing up every Sunday to watch me sing.
As an adult, I realize now that my parents are NOT Christian (they never told me because they wanted me to find my own path) and that they decidedly do NOT have any desire to attend church, ever. But they both went, every Sunday, and sat through the whole sermon, for 3 years, to watch me sing in the choir. I didn't realize what it meant then, but it sure does mean a lot to me now, as an adult.
I tell you this story to illustrate that even if your daughter says its okay if you don't go, it would still probably mean a lot to her if you did.
I was also in marching band and went to all those competitions as a high schooler. My parents did not go to every event, but they did go to at least half. I think that was a good comfort point for me, my parents showed their support without hovering.
Perhaps you could strive to go to about half of your daughter's performances? You could even ask her - if she got to pick which ones you went to, which ones would she prefer?
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