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This makes me suspect that they were going it alone instead of going through a reputable agency. Why on earth would they fall for that multiple times?
I have not adopted myself, but I have friends who have. It seems like there are always Chinese girls in need of adoption, and there are always kids in need of foster care. Foster care may not always lead to a permanent placement, but it could. I don't know where your friends are, but maybe they need to look at foster care with a different county, if there are issues with yours. From what I've seen on news stories here, it takes very little to become a foster parent, especially if they are willing to take a non-infant.
Sorry I just have to correct a common falsehood here. The wait to adopt a girl from China is currently over 5 years. It's actually a bit shorter for boys.
We adopted twice internationally but I wouldn't do it today, the waits are too long and it's too unstable. Domestic adoption is your friends best chance. My guess is either 1) they're not using an agency or attorney, or they're not using a reputable one 2) there is something unattractive or shady about them that is turning off prospective birth parents or agencies 3) they are only looking for a Caucasian newborn with certain attributes from a certain kind of birth family or 4) they will only consider a completely closed adoption.
I hate to say this, but maybe it has come to the time for your friends to accept that they may be childless the rest of their lives. Maybe they should try other adoption agencies. Maybe it is time to "step back" and realize that if adopting a child happens it happens.
Whatever, they decide to do I wish them well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
Thats pretty cold...the desire to have a child is epic and when facing infertility and scams, it is heart breaking. Its an indescribable feeling to want children and not be able to have them. Something you can't know unless you went through it.
I am sorry. I did not mean to sound cold, that is why I included all of the "maybe"s in my post. And, stated that maybe they should try a different adoption agency. You are correct that I did not personally face infertility. And, I am appalled that anyone would run a pregnancy related scam. However, the OP stated that his/her friends had already tried international & domestic adoptions, foster care, IVF and have ruled out surrogacy. I really don't know what is left to try.
So I wanted to share what some of my friends have done in a similar situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
I personally have several friends who wanted to be parents who did not become parents for various reasons. In some cases, they became even more active in the lives of their nieces and nephews, another friend began to spend a lot of time mentoring children through a volunteer organization, another couple decided to become long term foster parents (even though they knew that they probably would not end up adopting a child) and a different friend became a teacher and her students became "her children".
One couple that I know, where both were only children of only children (and thus the "end of both lines") decided to concentrate on living their lives to the fullest through travel and their extensive estate will be left to various child related charities. A childless relative of a co-worker spends her summers volunteering in an orphanage in a third world country. In that way she has enriched the lives of hundreds of children over the years.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-17-2015 at 03:48 PM..
Thats pretty cold...the desire to have a child is epic and when facing infertility and scams, it is heart breaking. Its an indescribable feeling to want children and not be able to have them. Something you can't know unless you went through it.
It's far from cold. It's humane and realistic.
Germaine went out of her way to offer her opinion in a kind and delicate manner, and I think she did an excellent job.
I HAVE experienced infertility, and I know many people who tried many options but did not have children through traditional or alternative means. At some point you have to decide what the quest to be a parent means for YOUR quality of life as well.
I read all your posts and many of you seem to imply that you have an answer to my friend's problem. Great!! Can you share?
My friend's current adoption agency is a national agency who states they have hundreds of successful matches per year. I guess that is the truth, I really don't know. They also state it's birth mother's choice and their ratio of successful matches to failed matches is 50%. I don't really know what to say about their inability to detect scammers, but I would bet they don't want to discourage any possible situations given the small percentage of women making adoption plans. Given that ratio, I don't know how any couples can risk the kind of money they risked for a 50% chance of success.
I also think it's an easy thing to say, choose another agency. I'm sure if they had the unlimited resources they would. If we could figure this out by speaking to state authorities, the better business bureau or other public resources, then couples would not be searching the internet looking for answers. But exactly how would someone do that? Where does one find an agency with a better success rate?
I'm heard numerous times that foster care is all about reunification. Several adoption experts don't recommend infertile couples attempt adoption via foster care for this reason. Creating a Family | The National Infertility & Adoption Education Organization It makes me wonder why waste time with the foster care system.
The same appears to be true for international adoption. If you talk to the US State Department, they will tell you they don't recommend international adoption. To me it appears they are using the Hague Treaty to shutdown international adoption.
There also seems to be many more childless couples than there are adoptable children. Some reports say 8 couples to every adoptable child, other say as many as 50 childless couples to every adoptable child. It very difficult to get a clear and concise answer of the state of domestic adoption. I'm sure given a large enough group of people, a few will stumble upon a way to successfully adopt a child, as the saying goes even a broken clock is right twice a day.
I think as a group, especially couples that never had any trouble having children, should help those that cannot have children.
I read all your posts and many of you seem to imply that you have an answer to my friend's problem. Great!! Can you share?
My friend's current adoption agency is a national agency who states they have hundreds of successful matches per year. I guess that is the truth, I really don't know. They also state it's birth mother's choice and their ratio of successful matches to failed matches is 50%. I don't really know what to say about their inability to detect scammers, but I would bet they don't want to discourage any possible situations given the small percentage of women making adoption plans. Given that ratio, I don't know how any couples can risk the kind of money they risked for a 50% chance of success.
I also think it's an easy thing to say, choose another agency. I'm sure if they had the unlimited resources they would. If we could figure this out by speaking to state authorities, the better business bureau or other public resources, then couples would not be searching the internet looking for answers. But exactly how would someone do that? Where does one find an agency with a better success rate?
I'm heard numerous times that foster care is all about reunification. Several adoption experts don't recommend infertile couples attempt adoption via foster care for this reason. Creating a Family | The National Infertility & Adoption Education Organization It makes me wonder why waste time with the foster care system.
The same appears to be true for international adoption. If you talk to the US State Department, they will tell you they don't recommend international adoption. To me it appears they are using the Hague Treaty to shutdown international adoption.
There also seems to be many more childless couples than their are adoptable children. Some reports say 8 couples to every adoptable child, other say as many as 50 childless couples to every adoptable child. It very difficult to get a clear and concise answer of the state of domestic adoption. I'm sure given a large enough group of people, a few will stumble upon a way to successfully adopt a child, as the saying goes even a broken clock is right twice a day.
I think as a group, especially couples that never had any trouble having children, should help those that cannot have children.
Again, thanks for all your suggestions.
I don't understand your first paragraph or second to last.
I don't understand your first paragraph or second to last.
Everyone who posted gave their suggestions.
Help in what way?
Some way to bring children into her family. Foster, International and Domestic adoption seem to be closed to her. I also don't think trying another adoption agencies is a good approach given that all the agencies I spoke with have high failure rates.
I guess bottom line it is up to your friend to figure out how/where/when to adopt. I get you want to help. But let me tell you, this is up to them to figure out what is workable for them. If they want to research more, look more into options, etc, they are the ones to do it. I became an adoption expert when I adopted. There is nothing more powerful then the drive of a woman who is set on having a baby.
Without all their specifics, it's hard to have any idea what will help them. I'm betting if the wife wants this bad enough, she is doing all the leg work.
Some way to bring children into her family. Foster, International and Domestic adoption seem to be closed to her. I also don't think trying another adoption agencies is a good approach given that all the agencies I spoke with have high failure rates.
Honestly...exactly what type of child is she trying to bring into her family...because while there are set backs and false starts......adoptions happen all the time.
You can have an approved homestudy and it can still not appeal to those doing the choosing for a lot of different reasons. The more "picky" you are about the child you want to adopt, the more the turnoff to those that view the homestudy. I am guessing there is a red flag somewhere either with the history of the parents or the child they are looking for.
As a woman who adopted two older children late in life (I was 44, my husband was 41) after being childless for so long, I would advise anyone over the age of 35 or so to go slowiy and become a foster parent first to see if they truly do want to become parents and have the fortitude necessary.
I found to my regret that although we had the best intentions in the world and tried to be the best parents we could, things had changed too much since we were children and teens for us to be able to adequately cope with our children, and this led to much heartbreak on both sides. Our expectations were simply too high for the reality.
Of course, i do realize that my experience will not apply to everyone, but I would still advise caution.
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