advice on creepy neighbor/ inappropriate behavior

[JrzDefector]

You gotta talk to your neighbors. It might ruin the relationship with them, but so be it. They need this on their radar and they need this opportunity to protect their own child - just because he seems interested in little girls doesn't mean he's not interested in little boys.

Honestly, I don't find him PLAYING with the girls to be a red flag if it was while he was supposedly supervising their play - I remember my male babysitters indulging me when I was little by playing Barbies or whatever on occasion, and there was not a whiff of anything inappropriate. His comments about your one daughter hitting puberty and the fact that he invited her to SIT ON HIS LAP are huge screaming red flags though.

Talk to your neighbors about their nephew. Be prepared for blowback though and the possible necessity of cutting ties. This is not something that should be shoved under the carpet. And when you talk to them, do not mention things like "he played Barbies with the girls" which are easily dismissed and could be used to minimize other actions - focus on the egregious violations. The fact that he talked about your older daughter hitting puberty soon and that he invited her to sit on his lap... that's just chilling.

[JrzDefector]

Originally Posted by dlking58

I disagree with this advice. The 11 -year old is, unfortunately, old enough to speak to about this. Maybe not in detail, but she needs to be told how she should expect to be treated, and what the boundaries are.

Yes, I was thinking this too.

[Marlow]

Originally Posted by dlking58

I disagree with this advice. The 11 -year old is, unfortunately, old enough to speak to about this. Maybe not in detail, but she needs to be told how she should expect to be treated, and what the boundaries are.

Originally Posted by JrzDefector

Yes, I was thinking this too.

I agree that children need to know about boundaries and how to be treated--good touches and bad touches and all of that. But I'm not sure how you tell an 11-year-old that her friend's cousin is creeping you out so the kids can't play over there anymore. Especially when the girl thought it was great that he played Barbies.

Depending on the maturity level of the 11-year-old, everything you say is going to be repeated by her to neighbor boy and on to his mother/grandmother, but through the filter of two kids. I think under those circumstances I would keep it vague with the 11-year-old.

[Me 82]

Originally Posted by lifelesssatellite

So, I'd like some feedback on my situation. I don't even know how to begin so I'll just jump right into the facts.

These new neighbors moved in across the street from us and they have a little boy that my two daughters have made friends with. My daughters are ages 7 and 11. Sometimes the little boy comes over to our yard to play and previously my girls would sometimes go over to his yard. It's kind of a busy street between our houses so whoevers yard the kids are in, the adults watch to make sure the kids don't run into traffic, etc.

Of course I had spoken with the boy's mother and she seemed fine. However, lately the boy's 20-something year old cousin (who seems to be always visiting) has been helping out by standing outside while the kids play across the street.

The first time I talked with this guy I had some warning bells. We engaged in a lengthy conversation during which he asked my girls' ages and then brought up the subject of puberty, remarking that my eldest daughter would soon enter it, etc, etc. This is exactly a conversation many moms have initiated with me lately, especially ones with girls the same age as my eldest daughter, but for this young guy with no children of his own to speak to me on this subject seemed highly inappropriate to me. There was just something about his demeanor, something slight that I thought maybe I was reading into too much, but it was like he seemed to enjoy the topic, like he relished it. It gave me a bad feeling, but I didn't want to overreact since he is so young (he could be even as young as 19, I'm not sure), he is obviously uneducated, and I thought perhaps extremely socially awkward. He made these comments in front of the other adults in his family and no one seemed alarmed or uncomfortable. In the end I told myself that he was just an uncouth country bumpkin that meant no harm/ didn't know how to relate to me and so said something stupid.

A few days passed and then my youngest came home for dinner all excited to talk about how this cousin was so nice and played barbies with her. This was also alarming because I thought he was only supervising, not engaging in games. I asked what game they played with the barbies and she said "hospital". I questioned her about the details of the game and it seemed harmless enough, but again the topic seemed inappropriate.

Then a couple of days ago, my husband was walking my youngest daughter across the street so that she could join my eldest daughter who was already playing in the neighbor's side yard. But when he got over there he found my eldest daughter sitting on this cousin's leg with the little boy no where in sight. My husband told her she had to come home and they all left and came back. When I asked my daughter how she came to be sitting on this guy's leg she told my that the little boy had gone inside to use the bathroom and when he had left the cousin told her, "why don't you come over here and sit on my lap while your friend is gone." A 20 year old asked an 11 year old to do this once they were alone. I asked for further details about what else went on and it seems that nothing else happened, no other touching except that prior she had been running around and she said he kept grabbing her and tickling her as she ran by.

Of course, my kids cannot go over to play anymore and I've had a talk with them about inappropriate behavior/ touching and explained what they are to do in various situations.

But I still feel awful. I feel like my suspicions have been confirmed enough to satisfy me completely, but nothing illegal happened, nothing sexual, so there is nothing to report to the police. At the same time I'm afraid that this person is probably a bad person and I feel like we may have narrowly escaped something awful by my husband showing up just in time... but then again, all this is really just a hunch supported by some questionable behavior. Asking my daughter to sit on his lap crossed a line, but I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to interact with this family. I feel like there might be lurking danger across the street but I don't know for sure or how dangerous the situation really is. I don't think he'd come over here into my yard or anything, but what can I do to protect my kids? Should I do something more?

Mothers intuition. Please keep your DD's away from there. I would also be scared he would somehow know how to lure them over, since he got your DD to sit on his lap.