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busman.....I do not think adopting is the answer to the OP's situation.
I strongly believe children should be encouraged to maintain a relationship with their real parents.....in this case the boy's real father.
Sounds like the OP is doing a good job of being there for and showing concern for this child...especially since this is the very subject of his thread.
busman.....I do not think adopting is the answer to the OP's situation.
I strongly believe children should be encouraged to maintain a relationship with their real parents.....in this case the boy's real father.
Sounds like the OP is doing a good job of being there for and showing concern for this child...especially since this is the very subject of his thread.
Ironically, the kid is leaving next Monday to fly out of state to spend the summer with his grandparents and then to another state to spend a few weeks with his dad, which by all accounts just goes through the motions with him for a couple weeks a year and then that's it until next summer. Except a random phone call here or there.
I'm not sure what the mechanics of adoption would even be, or if the father could have some say in it just to be a dick... but at this point, that's not in the cards.
It's not so much what you get out of adopting the kid, it's what HE gets out of it: a feeling of permanence, the feeling that he can look to you as a father who will be there for him through thick and thin, instead of just "Mommy's boyfriend" who could flake off at the drop of a hat.
What more of a sense of permanence do I need to do other than marry his mom?
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It's similar to the idea of marrying your girlfriend, so that you will have the feeling of permanence in your relationship that, all good intentions notwithstanding, living together simply does not provide.
And I get that part, but I do not see the two things related or required to be together
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To be sure, if you are not ready for that level of commitment, then by all means don't do it. But it's not fair to string either of them along with expectations, even unspoken ones.
While I am not ready, I also don't see a need to completely give up either. I don't see me giving this every possible chance to be fixed as "stringing them along"... as it is, for the first time in their lives, they have a stable, loving, decent place to live and a real man in their lives
I would like to address this post, as there are some valid things here
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Originally Posted by dblackga
You sound like a decent guy, and it sounds like you are trying to find a way to make this work. But it sounds like an uphill battle:
Yes, uphill indeed, trying to change bad habits and put structure and rules where they have never existed is tough
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Time to be assertive. I would tell any woman who faced this problem the same thing as I will tell you: Sit down and say, "Look, we need to find a way to divide these chores that's fair to both of us," come up with a plan, and a way to hold each other accountable. It's not "slack" -- it's a partnership. Both partners need to pull their weight.
I would agree that I am pulling most of the weight. 80/20 at least
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He's 10. It's his job to complain. :-) What he WANTS and what he GETS are two different things. Does he have reasonable limits on his gaming and TV watching? I'm thinking that since Mom is so engrossed in other stuff, she's used the electronics as a babysitter so long that it's a lifestyle at this point.
And I get that kids that age complain. And he does not always get what he wants. His TV, computer and gaming time IS restricted. He cannot watch TV or computer until one of us gets home. He can only play games on the weekends (mostly due to his grades). But yes, TV and computer have been a babysitter at times
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He's 10. His choices are limited to what is good for him and for the family. Who's the adult, here? Complaining may decrease if he feels he has input into family activities. If he has to choose between three activities (none of them electronic), that may make it more palatable. In our house, no TVs or electronics were permitted until homework was done and chores were finished -- including weekends.
His idea of fun is gaming and computer. Period. So what we do is not fun to him almost 100% of the time. Until he gets to where we are going, and ends up having fun, but complains the whole time, acts pissy and never will admit that he had fun.
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For an extrovert to have no friends -- that's a warning sign that something is amiss. He's a hard kid to get along with with because HE HAS NO PRACTICE GETTING ALONG WITH OTHERS. Mom didn't make an effort to socialize the kid, apparently -- as the parent of a young child, play groups, neighborhood play dates, getting to know other moms at preschools, etc. can be an important part of kids learning how to make friends. He's missed that.
Yeah, 100% spot on. I cannot answer the "Why/how this happened", but it did... he's just not socially adjusted at all.
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Talk is cheap -- people's priorities are illustrated by their actions. Are you truly a priority in this relationship? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you moved in together and suddenly her life is much easier, you are taking care of the everyday stuff, and she gets to read and play.
If you want to make this relationship work, I would strongly suggest couples counseling in an effort for each of you to understand what the other needs in this relationship. Truthfully, I don't see much of a future for you guys, unless she has a "Come To Jesus" moment and realizes how her actions are affecting those around her. I'm sorry her early 20's sucked -- but that was then, this is now. It's time to put on the big girl panties and deal with life, her child and her relationship.
I'm waking up to this reality. It's hard for me though, because I have gone through some bad relationships in the past myself and this was going so good... I am going above and beyond what I probably should to try to make this work. 10 years ago, I would have been out the door. But at this point, it's hard. I'm at that age where I just am so tired of being alone...
Ironically, the kid is leaving next Monday to fly out of state to spend the summer with his grandparents and then to another state to spend a few weeks with his dad, which by all accounts just goes through the motions with him for a couple weeks a year and then that's it until next summer. Except a random phone call here or there.
This will take the heat off the situation and things won't seem so bad while he's gone. Which is not a good thing.
You need to talk to your GF. This is about who she is as a person, and the truth is you really aren't happy with that.
If you were my adult son, and you were telling me all of those things, I would suggest that you ask her and her son to leave your home/apartment and allow time to see if this relationship is "real" and forever.
I don't know how long you dated before you asked her & her son to move in but I suspect that it was not a long time. Perhaps you can continue dating, go to couples counseling and reevaluate what you want to do in a year, or two years. If this is a real, life time love, what difference would 12 or 18 or 24 months mean if you will be together for the next 40 or 50 years after that?
This will take the heat off the situation and things won't seem so bad while he's gone. Which is not a good thing.
You need to talk to your GF. This is about who she is as a person, and the truth is you really aren't happy with that.
Actually, this would be the perfect time to tell your girlfriend what's up and get her out of the house while the son is gone. She can make arrangements for a place to live while he is out of the way, and have a place for him to come home to when he gets back.
She needs to become an adult and learn to take care of herself. Otherwise she is no good to you in the long run.
I'm at that age where I just am so tired of being alone...
Believe me, I sympathize. I spent many lonely nights before I met the woman who is now my wife. But during that time, when I would lay out the "woe is me" spiel to my father (who was kind enough to listen), he gave me some excellent advice about waiting for the right one and not just settling: "It's better to be alone than wish you were."
Except I didn't go into this looking for a kid. If I get one as a result, fine, but i'm not going to get stuck with a kid and nothing else
This is why you need to walk away. You are focused on what is in it for you and not anyone else. The kid isn't a dog to be dealt with. He is a person with needs. What happens if you were to marry this girl and then she dies? Are you going to kick him to the curb?
I'm waking up to this reality. It's hard for me though, because I have gone through some bad relationships in the past myself and this was going so good... I am going above and beyond what I probably should to try to make this work. 10 years ago, I would have been out the door. But at this point, it's hard. I'm at that age where I just am so tired of being alone...
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Originally Posted by bus man
Believe me, I sympathize. I spent many lonely nights before I met the woman who is now my wife. But during that time, when I would lay out the "woe is me" spiel to my father (who was kind enough to listen), he gave me some excellent advice about waiting for the right one and not just settling: "It's better to be alone than wish you were."
Good points.
I personally know several men who did not find the "love of their lives" until they were older.
One good friend of my father got married at age 50. He and his wife were so much in love that they held hands every place where they went & canoodled like giddy teenagers until he passed away at age 85. He kept saying that he was so very, very glad that he waited until he found the right woman to marry.
Several other friends were in their late 30s or early 40s when they found their true loves.
Yes, I can imagine that it must be lonely but wait for the right woman, don't just settle.
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