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We are moving from CA to TX in less than a month and are giving up being near both sets of our parents and our combined 3 siblings and their spouses and children. We're also leaving our friends behind, whom at times feel more like our family. It's not a decision that we came to lightly and is one that we've been seriously considering for several years. We are lucky in that my husband's aunt/uncle/cousins are going to all be within an hour of us at our new home but we don't anticipate seeing them that much, so we'll basically be on our own. We're just going to create our own traditions and enjoy our little family. Ironically, our realtor out in TX has become a friend of ours and I imagine that we'll see her and her husband some, too, as they are older and don't have grandchildren yet and are really looking forward to meeting our kids.
I belong to a national MOMS group and have already reached out to the chapter out in our new city. Being a part of the group has helped me in many ways and I've found that the requirements of the group help keep moms involved and accountable, i.e. paying dues and having service projects and being involved in the community. Meetup.com groups didn't work out for me because I found so many moms just didn't care as much but with a MOMS club group they seem to hold themselves a little more accountable so you have more participation.
We had two children four years apart and in the approximately 16 years from the time that our oldest was a baby and the youngest was 12 years old, we had to go to level five I believe three times.
Did we trust those people with our children? Heck, Yes! One was in a hospital pediatrics ward (yes, actually inside the hospital), another was a sick child care program connected to a doctors office and staffed by nurses and the third was a Registered Nurse that was sent to our home through a sick child nanny service. Are you are registered nurse, who can have a doctor there in minutes in case of an emergency? Probably not. Did these places cost a fortune? Heck, Yes! Did we use them as an absolute last resort? Heck, Yes!
My husband used to be a trial attorney who worked by himself meaning no partner who could take over if he was absent. It would not be unusual to prepare for months for a trial and to have a dozen or more people (judges, witnesses, other attorneys, all the participants) have to be there on that certain date at a certain time. If my husband "called in sick" not only would a dozen or more people be greatly inconvenienced but the trial would have to be rescheduled. If you were waiting in jail for your "day in court" imagine being told that you would have to wait another three months or six months or even a year for a new trial. So HighFlyingBird, would you want to be in jail a few extra months because your attorney did not want to put his child with the flu or an ear infection into a sick child care facility in a hospital pediatrics ward (like we once did) or in the care of a registered nurse?
Well awesome for you that you had such great back up for sick children. Count yourself very lucky.
We had two children four years apart and in the approximately 16 years from the time that our oldest was a baby and the youngest was 12 years old, we had to go to level five I believe three times.
Did we trust those people with our children? Heck, Yes! One was in a hospital pediatrics ward (yes, actually inside the hospital), another was a sick child care program connected to a doctors office and staffed by nurses and the third was a Registered Nurse that was sent to our home through a sick child nanny service. Are you are registered nurse, who can have a doctor there in minutes in case of an emergency? Probably not. Did these places cost a fortune? Heck, Yes! Did we use them as an absolute last resort? Heck, Yes!
My husband used to be a trial attorney who worked by himself meaning no partner who could take over if he was absent. It would not be unusual to prepare for months for a trial and to have a dozen or more people (judges, witnesses, other attorneys, all the participants) have to be there on that certain date at a certain time. If my husband "called in sick" not only would a dozen or more people be greatly inconvenienced but the trial would have to be rescheduled. If you were waiting in jail for your "day in court" imagine being told that you would have to wait another three months or six months or even a year for a new trial. So HighFlyingBird, would you want to be in jail a few extra months because your attorney did not want to put his child with the flu or an ear infection into a sick child care facility in a hospital pediatrics ward (like we once did) or in the care of a registered nurse?
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Over the 16 years it varied but basically it was something like this.
About 95% of the time one of us could take off of work, but a few times we absolutely could not so we needed to plan ahead. We couldn't just ignore that 5% and hope that it never happened.
Level one, my husband or I took off of work. Level two, a dear friend who was a SAHM, who used to be our children's fulltime babysitter Level three, a retired couple who were neighbors (sort of like "adopted grandparents") Level four, another person who used to be our children's full time babysitter who was now in college and could sometimes babysit for us again
or the SAHM (her kids were all in HS) of one of our teenage babysitters (also a neighbor and a friend) Level five, sick child care in a hospital pediatrics ward (yes, actually inside the hospital), or a
sick child care program connected to a doctors office and staffed by nurses, or a
Registered Nurse that was sent to our home through a sick child nanny service.
The only people who were strangers were the nurses at level five, everyone else knew our children very, very well.
For all of you who are thinking that we were heartless to do this, keep in mind that I was a special education teacher. Would you want a substitute teacher for your special needs child on the first day of school (my son had stitches on his buttocks and couldn't go to day care) or the last day of school (daughter had a mild infection, but couldn't go to day care until she had taken antibiotics for 24 hours)? One or the other of our children stayed with other people while they were sick maybe once or twice a year.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird
Well awesome for you that you had such great back up for sick children. Count yourself very lucky.
Thank you, HighFlyingBird. Even though, about 95% of time either my husband or I could take off of work, or he could bring a sick child to his office for a fewhours, where he kept a sleeping bag, blowup air mattress (for cushioning), pillow, books and toys just in case he had a meeting or a phone conference in his office that day that he couldn't miss we still planned for the 5% days.
My husband and I were good friends to our level two, three and four emergency care givers and did not hesitate to do favors for them if they asked us for something. In addition, we paid our emergency, sick care child givers very, very well because we knew that it was much more difficult for them plus there was always the risk that they or their children might get sick (if our children were contagious). Actually, no one even got sick when they cared for one of our sick children. Generally we paid them double the usual child care rate.
I actively sought out and planned for the level five care. The sick child care connected with a doctor's office had a yearly registration fee, in addition to the daily fee when you used the services. I believe that we paid that fee for three years and only used the service one time. The sick child nanny service had a one time registration fee and then you would be signed up for indefinitely. But, you could not sign up the day that you needed the service, you had to plan ahead.
I know that is isn't always possible to have good back-up child care, especially in small towns or rural areas or if you are new to a community. But, it used to annoy me when coworkers or friends would say that they did not have back-up care and wished that they did. I would ask them about it and discover that they had never really looked for it. It was almost like they expected back-up child care to fall into their laps like "manna from heaven".
Nursing jobs are notoriously inflexible, and we have no family here either. I resolved my problem by working only part-time. Still, on a few occasions, my husband stayed with a sick child while I went to work. He was able to bring work home to do.
I don't want to complain too much, because we made these kids and they're our responsibility... but man, seeing the drastically lower stress level our friends [with local parents] have, just makes me want to cry sometimes. Having that support system and extra st of helping hands is priceless.
OP here. I totally agree with this! We are working on our own family traditions. And that's something that is fun to do. I do hope that we can eventually make some good family friends to share holidays and celebrations with though.
Yes, same situation with us when the kids were at home. Make your own celebrations. Not sure where you relocated from but we are in KS and this central area of the US can be very difficult to make those family friends. People are pretty closed off these days for good reason though. Most people make friends through church which isn't something that we were interested in but these days, churches really are a lot about the "social" rather than "church" which is really a reason that I was interested in the first place but it has an appeal to a lot of people.
We live in Japan. My family is in MN. My husband's family is in Japan, but were on the other side of the country.
It's hard raising your child without any family around. It was always just the 3 of us. No help. No advice.
I envy moms who live near family and friends. My American niece whines about how hard it is for her to find a babysitter. I've never had a babysitter!!! I had to bring my baby to the dentist with me to get my teeth fixed!
We moved when our daughter was 3, because Fukushima dumped a lot of radiation on our town. I wanted to move near my family, but DH wanted to move near his. We decided to go near his parents, because they had no other grandchildren. That was good for them, but it didn't really help me much. I still didn't get any help, and MIL's advice and company was too much like nagging. It did give our daughter a chance to bond with her Japanese grandparents better though. (Note that only the grandparents live here. DH has other relatives in southern Japan, but they live 2-3 hours away.)
Pretty soon we'll be moving near my family, in MN. Then we'll be surrounded by family: grandparents, aunts, uncles, great-aunts, great-uncles, and several cousins close to DD's age! Plus I also have a lot of friends there, some who also have kids. I think life will get much easier for me, and my daughter is very excited. She loves the US, and loves her American family. It'll be nice to be able to pick up the phone and ask a friend or family member for tips on how to deal with new parenting problems, instead of having to search through parenting books and the Internet for tips.
We moved 2500 miles away from our families years before our child was born. Although there are down sides to iveing away from family, there are also positives to consider...if your families are like ours.
The downside is obvious...no easy child care help, no one to come over to talk with when you are stressed, no large family gatherings for holidays and birthdays
The upside in our case are the same as the downs...my mom and mil were not there to rag on me about breastfeeding vs bottle feeding (they both endorsed the bottle), having them to talk to only stresses me more so no help there with someone to vent my own problems to, holidays and birthdays are so much more pleasant without all the drama and arguments about who is going to cook, who got the better/more expensive gifts, how to coordinate so everyone is included.
How did we handle it?
Well, we also had layers of daycare when our child was sick. For us, we would often tag team (I would stay home for half the day while my husband was teaching, then he would come home as soon as his classes were done and could sometimes find another teacher to cover his afternoon classes, then I would go to work in the afternoon when he got home), a SAHM next door neighbor with 5 kids that my daughter played with daily (generally if my daughter was sick with something, one of the kids next door had the same thing!), and a friend who was a retired nurse.
Needing to get out, just to get out...if it was just me then I had to wait until my husband got home from work. Communication is the key. Communicate with your spouse when you are having a tough time. My spouse was not great when she was a baby (diapers, and she fussed about bottles since she had been breastfed) but things got easier as she got older. If you need to get out for a date night I could always find a sitter. I had to pay for the sitter, but I could always find a reliable teen or elderly neighbor. As a last ditch, SAHM next door would barter with me for other things. One time I had a 6-week training session out of town and we needed the before and after school care (as well as anything that might happen while I was gone requiring full day care) and she needed plane tickets for her kids (living with their dad) to come for Christmas. With my frequent flyer miles those plane tickets only cost me a few hundred more, well worth her services while I was gone...and we were both ecstatic with the deal!
Holidays? We made our own, just the three of us. There were years that we shared holidays with other families, either by their invitation or ours. But mostly, we enjoyed the quiet of a few days off by making our own traditions. No one in the house likes turkey, so we order pizza on Thanksgiving. In addition, we are not eating turkey leftovers til Christmas, me trying to hide the leftovers in creative casseroles! Christmas was pure joy as we did not have tons of cheap toys and weird clothes as gifts from extended family. When asked, we requested that the grandparents choose from our wish list on Amazon or send one high quality toy. And when the box arrived we would check it out before putting it under the tree. If it was an inappropriate toy we would replace it with somethng more appropriate (do we really need another vague stuffed toy around here that is obviously not childproof...eyes that could pull off and be swallowed, sharp wire inside, etc). Sometimes it was just a matter of our child asking Santa for something really specific, my mom would volunteer to provide that gift, and then what showed up was totally different. My parents and his parents had no other grandchildren and had no idea how to shop for one, even when given a specific instruction. Also, it was really nice to be able to wake up and have Christmas morning with just the three of us every year. We did not have to divide Christmas or other holidays between multiple households, eating multiple meals throughout the day to make everyone happy. We could eat whatever and whenever we wanted, sitting in our PJs for the whole day if we chose to do so.
Birthdays are easy when they are a child. You are always going to have their friends to invite over. Until she started school there were still a few toddlers from daycare that we knew well enough to invite over (and we kept parties small when she was small) of cake and ice cream. There was also the family next door with 5 kids, as they moved in when she was just a few months old. When she started school it was even easier as she had her school friends to invite. We often requested no gifts to avoid any hard feelings over certain families who were able to buy more expensive things vs the other families who could not buy gifts for all of the parites their kids were invited to.
And often, since there is just the three of us, gifts on holidays became obsolete. We will always recognize birthdays and Christmas, but sometimes with just a smalll token gift as we might have traveled during the year as a gift to ourselves, or maybe bought a large item (tv, membership to something, etc) to share knowing that it was our gift to each other for Christmas that year. We always hang stockings and collect little trinkets for each other during the year. But sometimes, the stockings and sharing some cinnamon buns on Christmas morning was our extent of the holiday. Also, for most of our child's life, one of us worked a job that did not observe holidays as we worked in the medical and police fields. When my husband was a teacher it was nice because he had the same holiday and summer schedule as our child. But there were lots of years where neither of us had holidays off. So we would try to work opposite shifts on those days because it is really hard to find daycare on big holidays.
This year is the first year that our daughter, now grown, will not be home around Christmas at all. She has her first job and it requires her to work the holidays. So now it will just be the two of us. I think we can make do! And she will be working on the holiday then her and her friends are going out for dinner after work. She will come home maybe, in February for a few days. But I am not going to waste those days away cooking and cleaning. We will spend time together, catch up on our lives, and do things/ go places that make us all happy.
Lastly, having raised a child away from all family, one of the upsides is that you don't have to share what you don't want to with your family 2500 miles away. Both sides, not having any other grandchildren, we negative nellies and extremely unforgiving with parenting standards. No child is perfect and my child was no different. Although I did share some of the typical childhood difficulties that my daughter experienced, I was able to refrain from sharing all of her shortcomings if I did not feel it was appropriate to share. Especially as my daughter became a teenager and then into college and beyond, it has been a relief not to listen to our parents (those that are left) tell us how to manage her life. I don't want to manage her life. And if she wants to spend her birthday with her SO and not me, that is her choice and I will support her. We will still talk or skype sometime that week, but spending the day with us is an option, not a requirement. My parents see it as horrible that she is not spending holidays or birthdays with us, but staying at her SO's house at the beach instead. I see it as a wonderful adventure for her to travel to otheer places and have memories with other people.
We also have no family, local or otherwise. We moved to a smallish community, which on one hand is cool because you run into the same people over and over again... and kind of not, because they already have their friendship groups set up since basically childhood and it's darn near impossible to break into the close friend zone, even though we have a ton of acquaintances.
As far as logistics go... I'm bitter. There, I said it. I'm so, so bitter. We don't even have anyone to watch our kids while I give birth. It makes me feel like I'm the un-cool kid sitting by myself at the lunch table in middle school. We can't afford a babysitter on a regular basis, and I think it was... maybe last summer that my husband and I got to go out to a meal together while we spent $45 for three hours of drop-in childcare at our local Y. Yes, we made our kids. Yes, we own up to the responsibility. Yes, we take care of them 24/7/365 - even if that means all of us sitting in the car together while running errands, or whatever. (And since we homeschool, they really are with us 24/7 - although they do have camps in the summer.)
The kids are incredibly close, and since they don't know what it's like to have family, they don't really get what they're missing - but they kind of do. Like on grandparents day, or when filling out family trees, or whatever... they don't get why they don't have cousins to do sleepovers with, etc. All our neighbors have these big family get-togethers all the time, and they don't get why we don't have anyone. I see all these posts on FB about how "grandma's got the kids for date night, whee!" basically, and I'm all... jealous. And sad. And I can't really talk about it with other people, even though I bring it up casually sometimes, because lots of people think that if you don't have that famous "family and friends" then there's something you're doing wrong, instead of it just being circumstance. We've tried, we really have. And I'm so sick of people saying, "Oh, with a new baby you just need to accept help from your family and friends" -- I would LOVE to if anyone was offering!
But then I get over it and I try to think of the positives - we're self-reliant, we're not imposing on other people, I know that family also brings drama that we're lucky not to have. etc. And as corny as it sounds, we have each other - and that's really all we need.
The hardest part is knowing that if my husband and I were to die for some reason, the kids would end up going to the state. We've asked a few people to be godparents, but we don't have any friends willing to take on the responsibility, and with no family, well... Yeah. So, we're trying hard not to die until they're at least 18.
We also have no family, local or otherwise. We moved to a smallish community, which on one hand is cool because you run into the same people over and over again... and kind of not, because they already have their friendship groups set up since basically childhood and it's darn near impossible to break into the close friend zone, even though we have a ton of acquaintances.
As far as logistics go... I'm bitter. There, I said it. I'm so, so bitter. We don't even have anyone to watch our kids while I give birth. It makes me feel like I'm the un-cool kid sitting by myself at the lunch table in middle school. We can't afford a babysitter on a regular basis, and I think it was... maybe last summer that my husband and I got to go out to a meal together while we spent $45 for three hours of drop-in childcare at our local Y. Yes, we made our kids. Yes, we own up to the responsibility. Yes, we take care of them 24/7/365 - even if that means all of us sitting in the car together while running errands, or whatever. (And since we homeschool, they really are with us 24/7 - although they do have camps in the summer.)
The kids are incredibly close, and since they don't know what it's like to have family, they don't really get what they're missing - but they kind of do. Like on grandparents day, or when filling out family trees, or whatever... they don't get why they don't have cousins to do sleepovers with, etc. All our neighbors have these big family get-togethers all the time, and they don't get why we don't have anyone. I see all these posts on FB about how "grandma's got the kids for date night, whee!" basically, and I'm all... jealous. And sad. And I can't really talk about it with other people, even though I bring it up casually sometimes, because lots of people think that if you don't have that famous "family and friends" then there's something you're doing wrong, instead of it just being circumstance. We've tried, we really have. And I'm so sick of people saying, "Oh, with a new baby you just need to accept help from your family and friends" -- I would LOVE to if anyone was offering!
But then I get over it and I try to think of the positives - we're self-reliant, we're not imposing on other people, I know that family also brings drama that we're lucky not to have. etc. And as corny as it sounds, we have each other - and that's really all we need.
The hardest part is knowing that if my husband and I were to die for some reason, the kids would end up going to the state. We've asked a few people to be godparents, but we don't have any friends willing to take on the responsibility, and with no family, well... Yeah. So, we're trying hard not to die until they're at least 18.
So who wants to be honorary family? =P
I could have written this post because what you describe is so true with us. I'm not bitter but mostly very sad. Life circumstances have not been kind to us in the immediate family arena. Many tragic losses. Even sadder is that we are all scattered to the wind so it isn't a case of being able to move to one area to be closer to everyone.
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It was almost like they expected back-up child care to fall into their laps like "manna from heaven".
