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A walk down memory lane here with my oldest son, now 38. I used to ask him to do something. If he said "No.", I said "Wait until you need something." He would get all paranoid and say "What are going to do?" and I would say "Just wait until you need something." at which time, he would go it. He was a really, really good kid and never, ever got into trouble. Discipline worked for him since he has been able to become an LTC in the military. He became good at taking orders and now he is able to give them.
I would actually say to myself that I took a few wrong turns in Parenting.
That never happened in my home. Child rearing happens early in their lives. If you have gotten to this point, something wasn't done years ago.
It is not like I forced my kids to do things. I just made a point early in life that they were part of the family and we all had to work together to get things done. It is a rather natural progression that kids learn to help out. Yes, they can get a little lazy during their teenage years, but "you do this and you can do that" works out pretty easily.
Well said. My kids responded just fine to being asked, not ordered. Sometimes they moved slower than I would have liked, but they never refused a request.
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Originally Posted by pkbab5
OP, look up the difference between authoritarian parenting and authoritative parenting. There have been many scientific studies that have shown that authoritative parenting has the best long term results for children and how they fare when they grow into adults.
In other words, kids who had parents who say "because I said so or I will slap you into next week" tend to have emotional and mental problems as adults. Kids who had parents who say "I expect you to do this because [insert reasonable explination here] and you need to do it otherwise you will experience this [non-violent but still unpleasant] consequence" tend to be better adjusted, more successful, and happier adults.
Some parents don't care if their kids grow up to be well-adjusted or not. So decide what your priorities are as a parent and make your decision accordingly.
I don't think parents should have to give an explanation for why kids are expected to help out. Pitching in should be ingrained from the time they are old enough to pick up their toys. If a kid balked at the request, I don't want to get into a discussion. It needs to be done, I asked you nicely to do it, the end.
What would you say if you asked your child to do something like mow the lawn or take out the trash and their reply was something along the lines of asking you to do it yourself or why can't you do it?
I have been in that position. I have told my two sons that they don't live in a hotel, that we all pull together and we all work at keeping the house livable and enjoyable.
I say "because it's your responsibility". I still get "oh, I can't right now, can you do it this once?" and sometimes I do. Not the lawn, that's strictly on him, but I do take the trash out sometimes, even though my teen usually does it.
Because sometimes I need him to fill my shoes - he can go shopping, cook a simple meal, fix my bike or pump my car tires etc. Basically, do what's not his usual chore, because I _asked_ him. It would be silly of me to raise the stench about one trash bag to mess up our relationship.
1st mistake: ASKING?! I don't ASK my kids to do anything; I TELL them to. If they say anything after that, the only other thing left to say is "For your own sake; please don't misunderstand this as a conversation!"
Absolutely this!^^^ I never ASKED my kids to do anything and I certainly wasn't going to explain why they needed to do anything. I always told them that I needed them to do such and such and, if they decided to have a debate about it, my response was "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Now get to it!" Since they're now adults and don't live under my roof, I will ask for help if I need it and they have no problem doing it.
Absolutely this!^^^ I never ASKED my kids to do anything and I certainly wasn't going to explain why they needed to do anything. I always told them that I needed them to do such and such and, if they decided to have a debate about it, my response was "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Now get to it!" Since they're now adults and don't live under my roof, I will ask for help if I need it and they have no problem doing it.
At my synagogue they use the expression that someone is "volun-told" to do something.
My response would really depend on how the 'why can't you do it' was delivered. If it's an honest question with no attitude I'd give the honest answer of, 'because I'm busy with x and y really needs to get done now'. Usually the kids know things must be done and we all have to pitch in.
My oldest is still living at home, going to college and working and he went through an adjustment period where he resented having to do some basic chores because he felt overwhelmed with work and school. After a few blow-ups between him and us (being his Dad and I), we think he finally 'got' that being an adult requires doing work at home too even when you might not feel up to it. We never had issues when he was a child/teen, only when he became an adult LOL. Parenting doesn't stop at 18, some new things creep up and hit you just when you thought you'd weathered it all.
Mine understands that being asked to do something is much more of a directive than a request, and that the phrasing is more a matter of politeness than making compliance optional unless there is a really good reason to decline. Saying "ok, I'll get to it in a minute (or "an hour" or "before going to bed", etc)" is an acceptable response.
Mine understands that being asked to do something is much more of a directive than a request, and that the phrasing is more a matter of politeness than making compliance optional unless there is a really good reason to decline. Saying "ok, I'll get to it in a minute (or "an hour" or "before going to bed", etc)" is an acceptable response.
I was with you for the first half of your statement. Again, I don't have any kids (yet) and I'm not saying you would be wrong for accepting the, "OK, in a minute" response, but even that wouldn't have flown with my parents. Their response, especially my mother, would have been something like, "No, NOW!" Mainly because they knew I would probably forget...
What would you say if you asked your child to do something like mow the lawn or take out the trash and their reply was something along the lines of asking you to do it yourself or why can't you do it?
If they asked me 'why', then I'd tell them why.
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Originally Posted by coschristi
1st mistake: ASKING?! I don't ASK my kids to do anything; I TELL them to. If they say anything after that, the only other thing left to say is "For your own sake; please don't misunderstand this as a conversation!"
I ask. I respect my children, and they return that respect to me in their behavior. I also say 'please' and 'thank you'. The result is that I have respectful, helpful children that do their share. Don't tell me I'm making a mistake by not treating them as servants.
Look, I can do the dishes or take out the garbage - getting those things done is not the focus. The primary point is fostering the notion that maintaining a household takes work and that such work needs to be shared. A parent needs to decide whether or not their priority is instilling slavish and unquestioning obedience in a child, or a sense of decent and cooperative behavior.
As is so often the case in life, a soft touch works better than threats.
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I never ASKED my kids to do anything and I certainly wasn't going to explain why they needed to do anything. I always told them that I needed them to do such and such and, if they decided to have a debate about it, my response was "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Now get to it!" Since they're now adults and don't live under my roof, I will ask for help if I need it and they have no problem doing it.
