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Story: My sis (M) and her husband (G) are divorcing. Mainly over money. Due to chronic illness and horrible money management between both of them, they lost their home. M is no longer able to work, seeking disability, living with our mom. G is about to move back home to his dad's (with the kids), just lost job last week.
M has only just now told me and another sis the extent of their financial dealings and medical issues. They've left their kids pretty much in the dark as to why they are divorcing. They are (boy) 20, girl (18), so now young adults.
My question: How would you feel/react to a relative advising their kids about money management... day to day stuff...common sense stuff. We are no experts, but we have learned from our own mistakes, and we would like to help these 2 young people avoid the devastation their parents are now facing. I know my BIL will NOT like it, but I can set that aside and risk his anger. I don't need his permission to talk to his kids, and what they have neglected to do for their kids still needs to be addressed. That's my position and reason for wanting to do this when the opportunity presents itself. Their mom says to go ahead.
If you would like further info, please say so. thanks.
I guess it depends on how involved you have been with the kids. If you are a regular presence in their lives, I would be ok with it, especially if I were in the dire straits you described.
You must be careful not to say anything that could be construed as criticism of their parents.
I wouldn't plan a conversation around finances. I'd invite them for a meal, and introduce it as a topic, but not the focus. Let them take the lead into a more in depth discussion about it, but tell them you'll always be available to answer questions and offer advice.
As a poster already said, try to help without criticizing the parents. It's sometimes easy to use them as examples of bad management.. but that's probably not the best idea.
It is very important however, to teach them. Just tread lightly.
I guess it depends on how involved you have been with the kids. If you are a regular presence in their lives, I would be ok with it, especially if I were in the dire straits you described.
If I were middle aged, divorcing over money, unable to work and living with my elderly parents, my reaction would include sadness, surprise, embarrassment and relief.
Of course, we can't predict how your sister will react, which is all that matters.
I guess it depends on how involved you have been with the kids. If you are a regular presence in their lives, I would be ok with it, especially if I were in the dire straits you described.
A close friend is a hard worker and a shrew money manager. He started out in dire poverty as a child and is now a multi- millionaire (certainly not at a Donald Trump level but about $2,500,000 in $3,000,000 various accounts, stock market & paid off properties).
He leads by example. I remember one time when he was cooking dinner for a bunch of people, including a couple of teens who were either in college or heading off to college soon. He started off by telling them that he bought whole chickens for the meal at $X per pound instead of chicken breasts for $XX a pound. He casually shared that it meant that he saved X amount of dollars just on the main part of the meal. He went on to explain that if he had purchased already roasted & prepared chickens in the store it would have cost even more money. He did not brow beat the teens with money management but gave useful, very helpful tips.
Over the years he has given my children many valuable tips, many of which they continue to use. My son was one of the teens in college at the time of the "chicken example" and told me later that he used to buy chicken breasts but now bought whole chickens, plus used the "odds & ends" (neck, gizzards, etc) to make chicken soup. My son is now on his way to being a skilled money manager, himself, and I believe that my friend is part of the reason.
BTW, even though he is now a multi-millionaire my friend still buys whole chickens, on sale, and cuts them up himself.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-11-2015 at 10:39 AM..
But, as a parent, how would YOU react? I do plan to tread lightly, and not criticize. I don't plan on letting my BIL know what I intend to do.
You're talking to them about finance, not sex and drugs. And they are 18 and 20 years old, not minors. This is the age you start having to manage your own relationships with aunts and uncles. If you are talking to them about how to manage their money and their careers going forward there is absolutely nothing the parents can or should have a problem with. I would not sit them down and go through every mistake their irresponsible parents have made - that wouldn't be productive anyway. But it is absolutely reasonable to talk to them about how adults make good financial decisions. And it doesn't sound like they're going to get that kind of advice from their parents.
edited to add: If my siblings had more experience on a subject than I do I have no problem with them helping my son with something - they love him and that's what they're there for! For my nieces and nephews I wouldn't care what my BIL thought about me helping them if he had run his life and family into the ditch. Especially at they ages your nephews are - they aren't young enough for the parents to keep them from you. I'd do more tap dancing if they were in a position to cut me out of their lives.
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