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Hi I'm new here but I have a lengthy dilemma. My 24 year old son has finally moved out of our house. He's moved out with the mother of his second baby & her 3 year old. He works one job, has a van he won't work on to have a ride to work (relies on us), has a cell phone we pay for, car insurance we pay for & we buy them food, even diapers for the 3 year old she refuses to potty train even tho shes home with her all day. We do all of this my husband says because of the grandkids. I for one am AM SICK OF IT. We dont have enough money our ownselves to buy a cold drink but we are supporting him & his family. If we dont get him to work, he loses his job therefore we pay for everything that we are not already, he will also go to jail for not paying the child support on his first baby. If its not gas money, a ride, groceries or a phone in case they break down in the van & need us.....it's something else. Its always something with a loophole. Are we to get second jobs to support his family??? What to do? We are being held hostage. Ev3ryone says just cuthim off but what about the babies?
I would offer to take on his two kids temporarily, and do nothing else. Tell him he's cut off, but you will care for the kids. I know you don't want to have your grandchildren at your age, and I wouldn't either, but he needs some tough love, and the kids don't deserve to suffer.
When I say cut off, I mean everything - the phone, the rides, money, everything.
I can understand the frustration that the OP was/is going through with his grown son and now his family. I have the same kind of drama going on, minus the wife and child with him....it reached a major boiling point last weekend and we had to kick our 26 yr old son out of the house for good....here are the details..
after going through the struggle with this kid for the last 7-8 years, we finally said to hell with it and showed him the door...you can only give someone so much help, but if they dont want to help themselves, then its time to cut the rope....this dumb azz mofo has been fired from darn near every job he has ever had..Sonic as a teen..Home depot as a 19-20 yr old...the US Army...Halliburton.. and now his latest trucking job where he worked for 7 days after walking off of his job at Lowes two weeks ago, where he was making $15.00 an hour.
final straw was we allowed him to come home on a month to month basis, where we didnt charge him any rent or utilities, he was to pay his car note, pay off some traffic warrants, and get a divorce from the Jezebel he married while in the army against the advice of nearly everyone....well, last month, he got a demand letter from his finance company...he hadnt made a payment since March...when confronted about that, he said everytime he calls, he gets the automated service and no one comes to the phone...yeah, he actually said that...so, I call the number while he is standing there, hit the promps, and then the rep magically appears..
we talked with dude two weeks ago in regards to his car note, and informed him when his car gets picked up for non payment, you arent using ours at all, especially since he wasnt paying any bills...he told us that the lien company wasnt going to find his car, and frankly dont worry about him cause he will be okay....
needless to say, he made arrangements but didnt keep them...he quit a job at lowes to go 40 miles across town for .86 cents an hour raise....that job lasted 7 days, before he was fired for "reasons unknown"...he had just turned 26 three days before this... three days after being fired, his car was repossessed.... no car..no job...no money...and then he started coping major attitude. this fool was darn near living in his car, even though he had a bed in my guest room...when they repo'ed his car, he left his wallet, medicine he had just started taking and darn near everything in there.....I had to take him to the repo lot to get his stuff...he owes $2k to get his car back, I told him its gone dude..I refuse to help him get out and suggested he file chapter 7 bankruptcy if he can come up with the money before the 10 day auction letter comes.
..I drove him the next day to get his last check from the truck company he got fired from and it was $512 for four days of work..I had to force him to let me hold some of his money so he wouldnt spend it all on designer clothes or cigarettes or some K2, aka fake weed, aka tree mulch and cat urine
..he gave me $300.00 for safe keeping and I dropped him to meet his friend, who is working three jobs to make ends meet....
fast forward to yesterday....I go to Sams to get some breakfast food and a newspaper around 1030..i stayed gone for a while, then my wife started blowing up my phone with text messages saying "your son asked to borrow my car, and I told him hell no..." then he got ticked and said can he have his money...so, I came home 10 minutes later and she gave me the spill...at the time ,she was cleaning up her dads room, who lives with us now, and he is 83 yrs old...so about an hour later, dude was on the computer on uber or yellow cab I guess trying to get a ride..he asked his mom can he use her credit card, she gave him the evil eye like "get the F outta here"...so, he knocked on my door, where I in the shower, and then my wife came in saying "he asking for his money"...I was like give me a few minutes..he was saying he wanted it right then...I told him to chill out for a moment....
I get dressed come out to the living room and asked him whats up...he said he wanted his $300 and any other money we had that belongs to him(even though he owes us well over $7k for various things over the years, and Im holding anything of value of his and a promissory note)...it was explained that he doesnt work..doenst have a car, and needs to stretch this money out until he can start working...I asked him what he was going to do with the money, he started shrugging his shoulders and uttered "its mine, I can do what I want to do with it, Im grown"...
I told him, fine, based on your I do what I want to do first and worry about the consequences later attitude, If I give you this money, then you need to pack your bags and get out...he was okay with that...he grabbed a back pack and three trash bags and I gave him his $300, and then I changed my front door and garage door locks...he wanted to get back in to get something, but I told him he doesnt live here anymore, so get lost.
Our son basically took the energy out of our household..he took the oxygen out of the place and his shenanigans were having a major impact upon our marital and home life...so, it had to be done, and the door is now closed...he cant come back to live here...he had six months where he could have had a fresh start for himself, but chose not to.....hindsight being 20/20, we should have cut the cord long before this.
That girl with the kids needs to get a full-time job and I don't care if she says "day care is expensive". If she nets even an extra 50$ a week after daycare that is something. Do NOT offer to watch the grandkids while she is at work either...that is something that would stress you out even more I'm sure. He needs to fix his van or pay for a cab/bus ride to work or carpool. My 19 year old daughter doesn't drive and I tell her all the time that I will only take her somewhere if I feel like it. If I tell her NO then she figures out another way to get where she needs to go because necessity truly IS the mother of invention. It is well past time to set boundaries. You just have to do it. It sucks--it hurts--but such is life. Tell them you can't afford to support the family he chose to have and sometimes life sucks but it makes you stronger. It won't make him stronger to have you guys pay for his things. I'm sorry about the grandkids being in the middle of it..but that's his fault.
Tough love; cut them off. There is SNAP, WIC, section 8 housing, ect. Worse case, there is CPS if they don't take care of the babies. Fact is they are not motivated to improve their situation because they don't HAVE to. What you are doing works for them; why would they be motivated to change? Cold turkey can be hard; so the most I'd provide support for is the diapers. Cell phone/car, ect? Forget it. Maybe jail time is the wake up call he needs.
Instead of the van, you could look up bus routes and give him a cheap bicycle to ride to the bus stop. Hopefully you have buses near you. That would eliminate car insurance, too.
The woman he's with should be getting child support, right? That should help with rent.
I would cut off the cell phone, but pay for the kids food.
I would cut out the diapers for the 3YO.
Basically cut out everything except for food for the kids. Don't give money for food, just food.
As others said, I would give a 2-3 month plan to implement all the changes.
These young people need some severe remediation. They are both adults, with no skills for living and being as adults, as parents, with children who need food, shelter, protection, education, and parents who will teach them.
Seek out any and ALL local resources. WIC, SNAP, child support, church food pantries, budgeting classes, parenting classes, rent and utility assistance, job training, everything. This will take time, for them to learn how to be responsible adults and responsible parents.
Tough Love is important too. Being allowed to fail, and take responsibility for their own actions. If they refuse to maintain a car, and the insurance, then they must find other transportation to work. Keep a job. Be a responsible employee and earn the $$, instead of expecting others to pay your way.
Under the whole "teach a man to fish and he fishes for life" philosophy, I would ensure that your son is set up for being able to work. If there is bus service available that would get him from home to work, I would get him a schedule and buy him a monthly pass -- once. Or if that's not an option, I would have him get rid of the van (most likely it's a fuel hog and a maintenance headache) and instead buy him a reliable, fuel-efficient car. I would fill up the tank with gas -- once -- and hand him the keys.
And that's it.
From then on, it's sink or swim. No food, no diapers, no cell phones, no rides (except to take him to the auto shop, in the event his car needs servicing), no nothing. Bear in mind, only the baby is the OP's grandchild; the 3-year-old is the child of the baby's mother along with another man. (And is this man paying any support? He should be.) You are under no obligation, moral or otherwise, to that child. Though, I admire your desire to help.
In any case, if he can't -- or won't -- swim, then he sinks. His problem, not yours.
Hi I'm new here but I have a lengthy dilemma. My 24 year old son has finally moved out of our house. He's moved out with the mother of his second baby & her 3 year old. He works one job, has a van he won't work on to have a ride to work (relies on us), has a cell phone we pay for, car insurance we pay for & we buy them food, even diapers for the 3 year old she refuses to potty train even tho shes home with her all day. We do all of this my husband says because of the grandkids. I for one am AM SICK OF IT. We dont have enough money our ownselves to buy a cold drink but we are supporting him & his family. If we dont get him to work, he loses his job therefore we pay for everything that we are not already, he will also go to jail for not paying the child support on his first baby. If its not gas money, a ride, groceries or a phone in case they break down in the van & need us.....it's something else. Its always something with a loophole. Are we to get second jobs to support his family??? What to do? We are being held hostage. Ev3ryone says just cuthim off but what about the babies?
There are plenty of "crisis pregnancy centers" *mostly religious ones* who will assist them with diapers and food. http://www.care-net.org/
He will whine like a lil you-know-what but you will, hopefully, turn him into a man once he realizes the gravy train has run out.
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