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Clearly you haven't got a clue about over-protective, controlling parenting.
There will always be worse off people than ourselves but then that doesn't make your own problems and issues invalid or insignificant. Do you use the same dumb argument with everyone? Because in that case everyone on here, assuming that most people are from the west is in the same boat and have frstworldproblems and thus shouldn't complain about anything because there are all these starving children in Africa.
And also I don't have kids which means you probably just skimmed through my post and I don't blame you for that, it was long, but at least if you're going to bother commenting then get your facts right.
I read your post. Over indulged whining. I'm sorry that you had it so hard. Your choice to stay is ALL YOURS.
Maybe your victim mentality is the problem. You have no guarantee you would have been successful in another family. I agree with the posters, get help. Lots of kids of overprotective parents turned out very successfully, stop researching ways to make underachieving their fault. You are not 17.
I know you don't have kids, I was optimistic that you might man up, leave home and make a family someday.
Bravo for the OP. A fascinating glimpse into a (South-)Asian way of parenting, smack in the midst of an individualistic culture which values independence and positive parenting. What a tough situation these kids find themselves in, as in a bull-eye of a psychological storm. Lots of people cannot understand the scale of the tragedy, dismissing it with a shrug: "So what? Just get on with your life." But yes, it strips a person of self-understanding: who am I? What is my purpose? How to really "get on" with my life?
This is exactly it, finally someone understands! And yet there are those who'll say I'm self absorbed and whining. I'm simply conveying the reasons why despite the fact that I know I need to move out and move on with my life it simply isn't that easy "just to do it" due to all the factors I've outlined. So thank you for recognising this.
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At 32, ou are so deep and so long in this situation, that it is highly unlikely that you will get healthier psychologically if you keep living alongside your parents. If you physically separate, it will still take some time to find your own balance, to establish your sense of yourself, of your own interests and to rid of the habit of glancing over your shoulder for your parents' opinion. Combining it with sessions with a psychologist may speed up the process.
Yes, that's right, I suppose the one major benefit is that I have become more self aware and I have reached breaking point now hence my OP.
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It wouldn't mean breaking off with your parents completely, even though it may be necessary as a measure of withstanding their (undoubtedly) anxious and blaming pressure of disbelief that you may have the nerve to separate. When you are strong enough to calmly assert your independence and assign an appropriate limited place of your parents in your life, things may move to a healthier level.
I did infact move out about 4 years ago and rented somewhere on my own for about 5 months. Although I had my own space for a while, they would still make contact every week or so, call me once a week, my mum would make me some food occasionally etc. But overall, I still had this feeling of heaviness and apathy and complete paralysis. I had the same issues of feeling stuck and being unable to really do much despite having that space and independence from my parents. So there is more to this than simply living away from home.
Also, obviously I have worked in the past but disliked every job I've done partly because they've been jobs I haven't enjoyed. But there's more to it than that. The last one I had I simply accepted their offer because people were saying exactly the same thing - just find any job and commit to it. And I did exactly that for a year until the company I worked for become so annoyed with my apathy and disinterest and lack of enthusiasm and focus that they had no choice but to ask me to leave. I realise that if I had proper responsibilities then like most other people I would force myself to simply push through it because I would have no choice, right? I understand this because having lived at home whenever I was working, this hasn't really been the case. If I wanted to leave the job then I could and would still have a home to come to and food to eat. Thus the motivation I realise isn't there.
Even so, I have never had a sick day, I was never late and I did what was required. Yet once again, I couldn't shake off the heaviness and sadness that I have had for so many years. With every desk job, I have sat there in front of the screen, still completing the work but ruminating about my losses and indulging in that self pity I guess. I wish I could stop myself from doing this but I can't help feeling this way.
The only occasions I have managed to temporarily feel better is when I've traveled and when I play sport (the main reason why I have worked - to save up money for this).
I should have mentioned also that I have been in counselling on and off for about 10 years, I've seen several different counsellors in that time and the one I'm currently with I've been with for about a year now. He identifies that I have been traumatized by how I was parented but so many other incidents in my life (which obv I haven't bothered to mention here).
So it's not as if I haven't tried my best to overcome this whole crisis. I have and will keep doing so. But there has always been something that is making me stuck and my counsellor may be onto something when it refers to trauma related consequences.
To be honest posting on some random forum expecting random people who don't even know me to understand where I'm coming from is a long shot especially with such sensitive and complicated issues. But at least I'm glad you did.
Last edited by Mitchell7070; 07-24-2015 at 12:30 AM..
It's a difficult situation. I understand a little bit of where you're coming from, I had a friend that is similar. She was Italian, and she had an older sister and brother. Of the three, she was always the independent one...always wanting to break free. She was a straight A student, obedient, never did anything wrong. But, to her parents everything she did was wrong. She had a boyfriend, she wasn't allowed to date. Yet her younger brother was. It was a sexist household. She was forced to become a doctor, she always claimed she wanted to be a photographer/graphic designer and then out of the blue, she said she wanted to be a doctor. She still does photography to this day, and really wanted to minor in it but her parents told her they would cut her off if she tried.
Back to the boyfriend thing...this is where all her drama started. She liked this dude, but he was black, her parents objected they couldn't date. That finally ended and she met a different guy, he was white but the parents still didnt like him. They posted a picture together, posing in a bedroom door mirror. The bed was in the background. Parents found out, she was threatened to be deported back to italy because he brought shame apon her family.
Talk about crazy. Don't know exactly how that all worked out.
My mom was kind of like your parents. I had to get the best grades. Nothing under an A was good enough for her. My dad wasn't like that though, so I turned out alright, even though I have my far share of issues.
My suggestion is find other people like yourself. You guys can talk about why you are the way you are, and I feel like finding people like yourself will help you get out of your slump. It's not easy, but moving out and being on your own would help, even if you've done it before. i'd recommend moving somewhere completely new. Find a hobby. Get some friends. Study spanish! What are your interests? Find something you love and go with it.
You described line half my Asian friends from when I was a kid - ALL of whom but one are successful and happy.
So...maybe it wasn't just the parenting.
Maybe...but maybe not. Just because you know some kids who had a similar experience, they're not me.
I think there are other factors involved as well but how we are parented can have huge significance. As I said most people cannot relate.
This is exactly it, finally someone understands! And yet there are those who'll say I'm self absorbed and whining. I'm simply conveying the reasons why despite the fact that I know I need to move out and move on with my life it simply isn't that easy "just to do it" due to all the factors I've outlined. So thank you for recognising this.
Yes, that's right, I suppose the one major benefit is that I have become more self aware and I have reached breaking point now hence my OP.
I did infact move out about 4 years ago and rented somewhere on my own for about 5 months. Although I had my own space for a while, they would still make contact every week or so, call me once a week, my mum would make me some food occasionally etc. But overall, I still had this feeling of heaviness and apathy and complete paralysis. I had the same issues of feeling stuck and being unable to really do much despite having that space and independence from my parents. So there is more to this than simply living away from home.
Also, obviously I have worked in the past but disliked every job I've done partly because they've been jobs I haven't enjoyed. But there's more to it than that. The last one I had I simply accepted their offer because people were saying exactly the same thing - just find any job and commit to it. And I did exactly that for a year until the company I worked for become so annoyed with my apathy and disinterest and lack of enthusiasm and focus that they had no choice but to ask me to leave. I realise that if I had proper responsibilities then like most other people I would force myself to simply push through it because I would have no choice, right? I understand this because having lived at home whenever I was working, this hasn't really been the case. If I wanted to leave the job then I could and would still have a home to come to and food to eat. Thus the motivation I realise isn't there.
Even so, I have never had a sick day, I was never late and I did what was required. Yet once again, I couldn't shake off the heaviness and sadness that I have had for so many years. With every desk job, I have sat there in front of the screen, still completing the work but ruminating about my losses and indulging in that self pity I guess. I wish I could stop myself from doing this but I can't help feeling this way.
The only occasions I have managed to temporarily feel better is when I've traveled and when I play sport (the main reason why I have worked - to save up money for this).
I should have mentioned also that I have been in counselling on and off for about 10 years, I've seen several different counsellors in that time and the one I'm currently with I've been with for about a year now. He identifies that I have been traumatized by how I was parented but so many other incidents in my life (which obv I haven't bothered to mention here).
So it's not as if I haven't tried my best to overcome this whole crisis. I have and will keep doing so. But there has always been something that is making me stuck and my counsellor may be onto something when it refers to trauma related consequences.
To be honest posting on some random forum expecting random people who don't even know me to understand where I'm coming from is a long shot especially with such sensitive and complicated issues. But at least I'm glad you did.
You have a variety of different issues going on and you need to separate them and fix them.
1.You are probably depressed and maybe medication will help. Talk with your therapist about how you are feeling. This comes first.
2. Let go of the blame to your parents. They've let you move out on your own, and when you didn't like its hey let you move back.they aren't holding you back...the depression or whatever mental issues you have are doing that.
3.You had a free ride in college. Be thankful for that and get your Spanish degree if you really want to do that. It won't take four years and they may even help pay for it. You are only in your early thirties. You still have the vast majority of your life ahead of you.
4. Hardly anyone likes a job. It's not fun and it's work. People work so they have money to live. It's either work or be homeless. The fact that you have loving yet overprotective parents means you have a fall back home. You need to just move out if you aren't going back to school. That will force you to work.
5. Build a support system of friends and loved ones outside of your family.
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