Not Comfortable With MIL Around Baby (child, husband, health, normal)
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After looking at replies today and talking about some of them with
husband (I asked him before I posted, I felt weird about asking on the net but we both agreed that friends amd family aren't objective on the MIL issue), we decided on daycare. Beera made a really good point in PM - neither one of us want to risk relationship with MIL by essentially becoming employers, as she is stressed enough with money (and has enough trouble with employer type relationships) as is. We still haven't discussed unsupervised visits to an extent, but we have plenty of time before we have to worry about that
We're also working to stretch both of our time off such that baby goes into daycare at 8-10 weeks rather than 4-6. Thank you for the replies on this as well, in hindsight 4-6 weeks at daycare was earlier than I would want.
Seems like a sound plan to me.
Beera was spot on about being MIL's employer. That can go wrong so many ways.
It is weird setting limits with parents.
MIL smoked. I was not comfortable with her smoking and holding our babies. She would do it anyway. Told me that I was overreacting to a little smoke in their eyes, a few ashes on their faces. Told me that if I thought I was going to boss her around, I had another think coming.
My husband was wishy washy on the topic.
I finally gave up trying to convince her that it was for the baby's benefit. and decided if she lit up, I'd take the babies and leave.
It worked out, but it put a strain on our relationship as she always felt I disapproved of her and was always trying to demonstrate how much she knew about babies.
Oh jeez, if you had 3 kids there'd be no problem. j/k. I know you're concerned. She sure did raise hubby okay, didn't she? She sounds eccentric. And you're a first time mom. So pay someone else lots of money. She can probably use it.
Actually, it's not that surprising at at all. Correlation is not causation. The above stat can be explained below.
According to pew research center, "stay-at-home moms are poorer, less educated than working moms: Stay-at-home mothers are younger, poorer and less educated than their working counterparts. For example, 34% of stay-at-home mothers are poor, compared with 12% of working mothers. They are also less likely to be white and more likely to be immigrants."
Beera was spot on about being MIL's employer. That can go wrong so many ways.
It is weird setting limits with parents.
MIL smoked. I was not comfortable with her smoking and holding our babies. She would do it anyway. Told me that I was overreacting to a little smoke in their eyes, a few ashes on their faces. Told me that if I thought I was going to boss her around, I had another think coming.
My husband was wishy washy on the topic.
I finally gave up trying to convince her that it was for the baby's benefit. and decided if she lit up, I'd take the babies and leave.
It worked out, but it put a strain on our relationship as she always felt I disapproved of her and was always trying to demonstrate how much she knew about babies.
People like that don't care what you want, you can explain until you are blue in the face. You did good refusing to be around if she smoked. Leaving was perfect, I hope eventually your husband backed you up. She wouldn't even care if your child had asthma I'm sure, she'd just say you were lying about the asthma (yes I've seen this happen).
IMO it's pointless to explain to people who don't care.
Oh jeez, if you had 3 kids there'd be no problem. j/k. I know you're concerned. She sure did raise hubby okay, didn't she? She sounds eccentric. And you're a first time mom. So pay someone else lots of money. She can probably use it.
If hubby is the oldest, or one of the oldest, children and since his mother was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital only 5 to 10 years ago (presumable because of being delusional) he may have already been out of the home when she started to show significant signs of mental illness.
BTW, IMHO dismantling the houses ductwork to look for cameras that the government placed to spy on you is more than just being "eccentric". (The Op implied that this was something recent.)
And, Grandma needs the money because she can not hold down a job or deal with bosses. Do you really think that she will miraculously change just because her boss is now her son & DIL?
I get what you are saying here, but there comes a time when a MOTHER has to step in and say enough.
Her reasons for not wanting MIL watching her baby: safety (with good reason)
Her Husband's reasons for wanting his mother watching baby: cheaper and to find his mom a job
Her reason trumps his reason any day.
The fact that the husband needs convincing that this is a bad idea says a lot about him and the (unhealthy) relationship that he has with his mother. You don't potentially sacrifice the safety of your newborn infant to merely find your Mom a job or to save a few hundred dollars each month.
He is putting her in a position that she should not be in. It's ridiculous that he is even thinking this is an option. I would be pissed off if my husband thought this was a good idea. I would be even more pissed off if I had to "talk" to him about why it's not a good idea.
It's really hard to know how screwed up your mentally ill parent is when you've been raised by them. When I was a kid, I believed that my dad was being followed on his business trips, that he could see auras and predict when people were going to die, and a lot of other things. I didn't know those things weren't normal. It took me a long time after I moved out to realize that my dad had serious issues. Nobody in the house realized it...eventually, my dad had to be committed and I had to tell the doctors about all the things he was doing or saying. He thought 300 police cars were following him everywhere, he kept calling the cable company to ask why they gave the aliens (space aliens, not immigrants) access to his modem to spy on him, he kept calling the FBI to ask why they wanted him, he was picking fights with random strangers in restaurants because they were "following" him, etc. And my mom and sisters didn't realize he had a problem, and were furious with me when I signed the paperwork to have him committed, after he had eaten all the pills in the house (mom was telling the doctors that he was just a little sad because it was near the anniversary of his mother's passing, and that he'd never had any problems like that before). So that's why I was saying that OP's husband might not even know how bad his mother's mental illness is.
OP, I'm glad you've decided on daycare rather than having your MIL watch him. Mental health problems aside, someone made an excellent point about how paying a relative for childcare changes the dynamic of the relationship. And that is really important to consider, especially since your MIL still has dependent children in the home and your husband needs to be able to visit your MIL often to make sure she's okay and that she's caring for those children well enough. If they had some kind of falling-out because she didn't want to follow your rules for the baby while you were paying her to watch him, then your husband wouldn't be able to visit to make sure everyone was okay.
It's really hard to know how screwed up your mentally ill parent is when you've been raised by them. When I was a kid, I believed that my dad was being followed on his business trips, that he could see auras and predict when people were going to die, and a lot of other things. I didn't know those things weren't normal.
It took me a long time after I moved out to realize that my dad had serious issues. Nobody in the house realized it...eventually, my dad had to be committed and I had to tell the doctors about all the things he was doing or saying. He thought 300 police cars were following him everywhere, he kept calling the cable company to ask why they gave the aliens (space aliens, not immigrants) access to his modem to spy on him, he kept calling the FBI to ask why they wanted him, he was picking fights with random strangers in restaurants because they were "following" him, etc. And my mom and sisters didn't realize he had aproblem, and were furious with me when I signed the paperwork to have him committed, after he had eaten all the pills in the house (mom was telling the doctors that he was just a little sad because it was near the anniversary of his mother's passing, and that he'd never had any problems like that before). So that's why I was saying that OP's husband might not even know how bad his mother's mental illness is.
Excellent point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
OP, I'm glad you've decided on daycare rather than having your MIL watch him. Mental health problems aside, someone made an excellent point about how paying a relative for childcare changes the dynamic of the relationship. And that is really important to consider, especially since your MIL still has dependent children in the home and your husband needs to be able to visit your MIL often to make sure she's okay and that she's caring for those children well enough. If they had some kind of falling-out because she didn't want to follow your rules for the baby while you were paying her to watch him, then your husband wouldn't be able to visit to make sure everyone was okay.
Another excellent point. Even under the very, very best situation it is often very difficult to have an employer-employee relationship with a relative caring for your child. When you add in the information that the OP's MIL has difficulty keeping jobs and difficulty working with bosses it sends up HUGE Red Flags indicating potential danger.
Your MIL sounds like my kid's father. I don't feel comfortable with him being unsupervised with our child - if it was a case of a grandparent I'd definitely not allow it! I'm glad you and your husband have agreed on daycare, sounds like its the best solution for your family.
OP, glad your straight and upfront about it to your husband. Sounds like you have good reason to worried. I wouldn't let it happen if I was in your shoes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wac_432
Play the "poor me" card.
You're going to be dealing with post-partum, and who knows how that's going to go. Tell your husband that he can reduce the number of stressors on you by not trying to push you into leaving your (plural/our) baby with your MIL. Say it's a girl thing that MIL's and DIL's never get along as well as mother's and daughters, and he'll be your hero if he figures out a way to diplomatically keep all MIL/baby time supervised.
Lies and manipulation sound like a great recipe for marital bliss.Moderator cut: delete
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl
I think everyone needs to back off the OP's decision to go back to work. Some women are better mothers from working. I have many friends that went back to work with a newborn, the children are great kids. Parenting isn't a kne size fits all.
Moderator cut: delete
Sure women can work and raise good kids. Just don't kid yourself that its better for a newborn to be with a stranger than one of the parents.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nana053
Interestingly, parents of successful children have some thing in common and one of them is that the moms work
Interestingly there are studies that say just the opposite and even ones that say there is no difference.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chicagoliz
No one suggested her husband stay home and watch the baby. The sexism is disgusting.
Thats because its the womans job. Silly rabbit.
Last edited by Miss Blue; 08-11-2015 at 07:19 AM..
Reason: deleted the rude and attacking portions of your post
No woman is a better mother from work. Impossible unless they are just crappy moms who hate being around their kids.
Sure women can work and raise good kids. Just don't kid yourself that its better for a newborn to be with a stranger than one of the parents.
Interestingly there are studies that say just the opposite and even ones that say there is no difference.
Thats because its the womans job. Silly rabbit.
Some women are better mothers when they work because they have to be more organized and they have to spend the time they do spend with their children doing the things that are important. They often make spending the time with their children a higher priority than homemakers do. Their children are less likely to stick to traditional roles. There is no evidence that children are damaged by high quality daycare. The wealthy, btw, have always had nannies and there is no evidence that the children were damaged by that.
There are, of course, issues because the workplace is not always family friendly, but that is offset by the contributions to the family of both parents who work.
Now, I do think that it can be helpful if moms or dads can stay home until the infant is a bit older, but that is not always possible.
Please cite studies to the contrary. While the article I cited gives many factors, not just working, the studies that are recent all seem to point to good results for the children of working moms.
Last edited by nana053; 08-10-2015 at 09:58 AM..
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