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I'm more concerned than anything else. I moved in with my gf and her son about 6-7 months ago. Shes 23, and her son is now 4. She doesn't do any drugs, and goes out maybe once a week, for a few hours at most.
But I do believe her son has ADHD, hes unbelievably wild, constantly throws tantrums, hits, talks back, and screams at both of us constantly. Things like "you cant do this to me", "I hate you", "I dont like you".
I understand hes 4, and I have to remind myself that hes only 4. But I wasn't allowed to act that way as a child, and I constantly have to bite my tongue. I have to remember my place as the step parent and its difficult having your hands tied with coparrenting.
Those are the small problems as well. My GF will sleep in till 12-2pm every day. And his TV is on in his room 24 hours a day with cartoons. When I first moved in he was constantly getting out of his room in the night, sneaking quietly through the house and getting in the fridge, pantry, and drawers. One night he found a knife, went to his room and put about a dozen holes in his mattress. I know that last sentence sounds scary, but to him it was a sword or something and he was just playing, not pretending to stab anyone. But with that, I put an alarm on his bedroom door so I could be waked up if he snuck out. And that resolved that problem. He no longer leaves his room without permission. The alarm is loud and he just knocks and calls for us now. The problem is she can sleep half the day and leave him in his room hungry, All the while hes still in his room.
Tonight what prompted me to look for help is because he was up in his room from 1am-4am watching tv, I could hear him singing. But he will turn his tv up as loud as it can go, finally after telling him I would turn it off, I did. And he threw a tantrum for about 30 minutes till he passed out. But this kid ALWAYS has his tv on. And shes the same way, she cant sleep without it on. Its tough on me because I cant sleep with one on, so most nights I'm tortured without sleep.
Ive had a talk with her before about it, but nothing has changed. I love her and care for her, and I love him too... but its just soo taxing. Not to mention she has a crazy ex as well, who is into drugs, and is abusive that I keep getting into it with. Thats a whole other story I wont get into. But before anyone says I need to leave her, I want to do whatever I can to make this work. I'm not a perfect person either, but I would like to make this relationship work.
I keep finding myself daydreaming about living alone again, and missing quietness and personal time. Anyone have any advice?
I normally don't speak up on first posts like this because I never know if they are for real. Assuming this is all true, this child is neglected by his mother and he is angry, and rightfully so. Little children need structure, and he has none. Mom needs an intervention. Without his mother stepping up and parenting, it's only going to get worse. I commend you for recognizing a problem and reaching out.
I agree with the PP. He needs structure. Does your GF work? Ideally, She'd have to get up every morning to go to work, and the child would go to a day care with no TV and a structured schedule. That would help.
Where are you when he's in his room in the morning, and she's asleep?
The child is being neglected. The question is, are you prepared to step up and give him what he needs?
The kid needs structure. He is acting out because he isn't being parented. He needs structure, to be put on a schedule and have limits set.
I had a friend who never set limits for her daughter. She would bribe her daughter to get her to do things, and her daughter behaved horribly. My friend never understood why, took her to therapists for help. Guess what? She just needed limits.
I agree with the PP. He needs structure. Does your GF work? Ideally, She'd have to get up every morning to go to work, and the child would go to a day care with no TV and a structured schedule. That would help.
Where are you when he's in his room in the morning, and she's asleep?
The child is being neglected. The question is, are you prepared to step up and give him what he needs?
I'll be blunt.
The child is a preschooler who is basically forced to stay in his room for many hours of the day, without food or water or being able to use the bathroom or any adult attention. His mother sleeps until noon or 2 PM and does not care what her child is doing or if he is hungry or hurt or needs affection. Come on, she is not even giving her young child food for the majority of the day. What does she expect him to do? Go grocery shopping, and then cook and prepare all of his own meals?
Doesn't that sound like abuse and severe neglect to you?
I am not going to suggest that you "step up", marry his mother and become his step-dad because she sounds like she has very serious problems. Who cares for son while she is at work? Oh, she does not work? I am not surprised, but she is certainly not being a loving SAHM.
If you were my son, I would tell you to leave immediately and make sure that Children's Protective Services is given a full report about the situation. You may save this child's life, or at least allow the child to become a normal preschooler.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-10-2015 at 07:09 AM..
She is a bad mother. Selfish, lazy...some parents today are so eager to blame the child for behavior they have caused themselves through neglect and bad parenting. This child is probably not so much ADHD as he is bored, lonely and obviously severely neglected. He needs help and she has checked out.
Does this child have a grandparent nearby or any other relatives that can step in and address the situation? Please get some help for this child. He isn't bad, just the result of non-existent parenting.
She sounds like a real gem. Nurturing, caring, attentive...
But I do believe her son has ADHD, hes unbelievably wild, constantly throws tantrums, hits, talks back, and screams at both of us constantly. Things like "you cant do this to me", "I hate you", "I dont like you".
I keep finding myself daydreaming about living alone again, and missing quietness and personal time. Anyone have any advice?
The kid doesn't have ADHD, he has a POS egg donor; she is not a mother.
Move out, and call CPS on the idiot heifer. The kid deserves more than this.
You're not the dad or the step-dad, you're mommy's boyfriend. Have there been other boyfriends? Even at four, the kid probably sees you as a temporary nuisance.
A couple of questions. How late do they stay up? If she works late hours, then staying up late and sleeping until 2pm is not necessarily damaging to the boy. If he's going to bed at 8pm and not allowed out of his room until 2pm the next day, that's a problem.
Second, what does he do if he has to go to the bathroom during the time he's shut in his room with the alarm on? If he's scared to come out of his room and he's having bathroom accidents, that's likely to cause him some long term issues. It would be much better to child-proof the rest of the house, keep knives out of reach, etc. than to confine him to his room that way.
Do they have free Pre-k for 4 year olds where you live? That would be a very good idea, to give his life some structure and also to make his mom have to get him fed, dressed, and delivered to the school every day. Next year he will go to kindergarten and his sleep schedule will have to improve then, but if he could start pre-k this year, that would be even better.
About the tantrums and the hitting, most kids will go through a stage like that. Never hit back, leave the child in a safe space to have the tantrum (like on the carpeted floor with nothing sharp they could hit their heads on) and ignore them until they're done. When they say something cruel or mean, tell them that hearing that hurts your feelings. Most little kids have no idea that parents or other adults have any feelings until we start to explain it to them. My daughter had a tantrum when she was 3 and screamed that she hated me. I told her I didn't like her very much right then either, and she was shocked and upset that it was even possible for mommy not to like her. They just don't know until we start explaining it to them.
Having the tv on all the time could also be contributing to the attitude problems. The little guy needs some examples other than cartoons or tv kids. He needs to go on outings with his mom and with you, go to the park, go places where there are other families and see how they behave. There's nothing wrong with letting a kid watch a couple hours of tv so mom gets a break, but there's a point at which it really becomes too much.
Agree with the other posters. The behavior you describe is not ADHD, it's how neglected kids act. The problem with the child is the mom.
Either step up and take a bunch of parenting classes, and do it right, or leave and let her screw up her kid herself.
If you can't take parenting classes, an easier method is to get your hands on a bunch of episodes of the TV show "Supernanny". Watch them and take notes. I'm not kidding or being sarcastic, either. Her stuff works.
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