Why do I feel so bad when I am unable to give my child something? (breastfeeding, milk)
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This may make me sound jealous, but let me clarify "jealousy" is not what I feel. I just feel guilty when I am not able to provide the same for my kid(s). Especially with my second child.
My SIL lives overseas and had her first 20 days after I had my second, so they were born around the same month. Ever since, I have felt like a really bad mom towards my second since there have been a lot of comparisons going on, and it doesnt really help that making comparisons between kids is a cultural habit. Such as who can raise the "biggest sumo wrestler" (meaning fat, chubby babies).
Unfortunately, my kids take after their dad so both are tiny for their age. When SIL posts pics of her kid and bragging how proud she is that he is in the 50th percentile, I feel bad for my own kids because they dont "make the cut" and I blame myself for doing something wrong such as "do i not feed them enough? What am I doing wrong?"
Being busy with 2 small kids, I had a horrible time breastfeeding my second exclusively. When my second was newborn, my son was a demanding toddler who constantly wanted mommy's attention "mommy I'm hungry, mommy I want a nap, I'm thirsty". All of these demands cut my breastfeeding time short. I breastfed at night and pumped during the day instead until my supply dried up at 10 months pp. When I realized that I could no longer breastfeed (and I was mixing formula ever since he was 2 months old), it was the saddest moment for me, and here was my SIL, posting pictures of her "mega stash" of bm, and saying "I am so proud to give my baby the best thign in the world...human milk"
Then their birthdays rolled around. I was planning to take my kid to get his 1 year professional photo shoot, but never found the time since my husband is always working. In the end, my husband said its past his birthday anyways so we'll skip the photo shoot.
My SIL had the same idea as me, because a few weeks later, she uploaded his professional photo shoot, and I felt so bad for not being able to professionally capture my child's memory. It would have been so nice to get pictures of him for this special occasion so he can look at it when he's older.
I just feel like I provided for my firstborn much better than my second and always having this guilt that I am not doign enough for him.
Is there anything I can do to stop myself from feeling this way?
In reality, i know we give him a lot as an "individual". He gets his own clothes vs. wearing his brother's hand me downs (I know this is not a problem, but they were born in different seasons), he gets his own toys, his own swing...basically he is well provided for and not just the "second" child. I make sure that he has some of his own stuff vs. getting everything passed down from his older brother.
I am just upset that I didnt get to breastfeed as long as I have hoped, and just the small things that I didnt get to do for him...not just from my SIL, but when I see other friends who are still going strong with breastfeeding or giving their kids a professional photo shoot (something that I really wanted), I get sad.
EDIT: 20 minutes later, I dont even care anymore or even bothered about the things I wrote...I get over things way too fast, but feel free to comment so I can read the advises and keep them for next time I have one of those moments. Cheers!
Last edited by conlainhothuong; 09-05-2015 at 02:01 PM..
A few brief comments. Please forget those old things and concentrate on all the good things that you do for your children, like read to them, sing songs, play games, give them good, healthy food, play in the park, etc. etc.
I know plenty of people (like the majority of parents) who did not have a professional photo shoot when their children turned one. Although, it may be too late now, IMHO, your hubby was wrong. Just because it was past his birthday by a month or two or more you could still have a photo shoot. After all he is still one until his second birthday. The next thing that is important to you (and has a deadline or timeline) please tell hubby that you have to "make the time" to do it, even if he is busy with work.
Go ahead and do the pictures anyway. If that's what you wanted, go for it!
Of course STOP COMPARING!!!!! There's always going to be someone else that's "better", it's would be prudent to exit that mentality. The breastmilk issue really isn't going to matter 5, 10 years down the road, so stop beating yourself up and focus on what you can do now.
Personally, I feel bad for my middle child. She lost her baby status when my youngest was born about 16 months later. My eldest was almost 6yo when my middle was born so she got a lot of attention. The youngest is the baby, so she gets a lot of attention. I get why there's a middle child syndrome, LOL. But I try my best (I still feel guilty though).
It's a very Mom thing to do, feeling guilty about something.
You need to stop right now because you are making yourself (and probably those around you) miserable. Stop comparing yourself, your children, your experiences, etc. with those of others. You are doing the best you can do with what you have and that's just fine. There's always someone who appears to have it better or more together, but what people share on public forums such as Facebook,etc. is often a whitewashed, beautified version of reality. Do not buy into this. If your sil's posts make you feel bad, quit looking at them. Focus on what you have, accept it, appreciate it, and love it. Life is not a competition and no one can truly make you feel inferior without your consent. Take care.
Go ahead and do the pictures anyway. If that's what you wanted, go for it!
Of course STOP COMPARING!!!!! There's always going to be someone else that's "better", it's would be prudent to exit that mentality. The breastmilk issue really isn't going to matter 5, 10 years down the road, so stop beating yourself up and focus on what you can do now.
Personally, I feel bad for my middle child. She lost her baby status when my youngest was born about 16 months later. My eldest was almost 6yo when my middle was born so she got a lot of attention. The youngest is the baby, so she gets a lot of attention. I get why there's a middle child syndrome, LOL. But I try my best (I still feel guilty though).
It's a very Mom thing to do, feeling guilty about something.
Does it really come out as competition? I didnt think I felt jealous...I just felt guilty because I wasnt able to do the same for him since I thought about getting it done a long time ago. Other than that, there's not really much to compete about. If I were competitive, I would probably force feed them so they would become fat babies lol (I know parents who literally force feed their kids, so they would become fat).
Breastmilk has always been a big thing to me. I breastfed my first til I found out I was pregnant, and even so, I breastfeed for another 2 months until my ob doctor told me to stop since I had a history of preterm labor. Thats why I felt sad when my milk dried up and just seeing other mommies putting it out there about how strong they are going makes me feel bad I didnt get to breastfeed for longer.
So its pretty much the breastfeeding and the photo shoot I feel bad about...breastfeeding is a personal issue for me, regardless if anyone brought it up or not. The photo shoot thing made me feel kinda sad cuz I wasnt able to capture professionally capture his special event...anyhow he's got tons of pics on a day to day basis so dont really have the time to care about it anymore.
Strangely, I dont have any feelings towards babies's milestones. My MIL loves to call over and ask what my 1 year old is doing (walking, crawling, standing) and when we tell her, she brings up SIL's son. I am like "good grief! Babies develop at different rates. Leave them alone." Personally, I never cared too much about milestones because eventually they'll all get there.
Figure out just how much of this is REALLY for your baby versus actually being for YOU to show you are at least okay compared to your SIL. I'll bet little of it is for your baby.
...also, isn't it obvious you can't compare experiences around a first born with a second born? Why are you so insecure? YOU'RE the experienced mom here...why can't you just blow it off and shake your head knowingly? Too many people are more into Facebook than their own lives, just showing off for others and you're falling for it too.
Figure out just how much of this is REALLY for your baby versus actually being for YOU to show you are at least okay compared to your SIL. I'll bet little of it is for your baby.
...also, isn't it obvious you can't compare experiences around a first born with a second born? Why are you so insecure? YOU'RE the experienced mom here...why can't you just blow it off and shake your head knowingly? Too many people are more into Facebook than their own lives, just showing off for others and you're falling for it too.
At least I just feel that way for a few minutes. As soon. As soon I log off fb it doesn't really bother me anymore and I move on with life. There are mothers who makes it a constant battle and feel like they have to "share" everything on fb...I think I stopped sharing things about my kids ever since they were 6 months old.
There are already things I already feel bad abt such as my kids weight which has been a constant battle for me. They are so scrawny that I have to spend money buying pediasure and people who brags about how big their kids are just irks me. I have never revealed bragged about my own kids on social media.
Also, I believe in hand-me-downs despite being able to buy pretty much anything I want. Because it is environmentally responsible.
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