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Old 09-08-2015, 06:11 PM
 
5,413 posts, read 5,701,060 times
Reputation: 9351

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Quote:
Originally Posted by GiGi603 View Post
From reading this thread I am just happy I grew up in the 60's and 70's. My sister and I learned independence from being "latchkey" kids beginning at ages 11 and 13. We stayed home alone during the summer months when my mother and father worked full time. We were responsible, we spent the day playing games, learning how to sew. Heck we even took the bus to downtown Baltimore city to get sewing lessons. When we were around 14 and 16 I remember my parents going away one night to Philly for a funeral. We were just fine by ourselves.
Come to think of it my husband and I left our sons alone for two nights when they were 11, 13 and 15. My mother would stop in and check on them each day. They did not want to stay at their grandmother's house. They did great and rose to the occasion of being independent and responsible.
If you don't give your children some room to be independence along the way how will they know when they become older how to be responsible and independent? Baby steps for growing up, give them a little bit, see how they do, give them a little bit more...

When I went away for college it was easy to spot the kids that had no independence when they were growing up. They went wild and were completely irresponsible with their first taste of freedom from their parents.
Those kids are still very easy to spot...but they seem to take two forms now.....the ones that go wild...and then the ones that develop massive anxiety issues because they've never been unsupervised and not told what to do. Both are epic fails of parenting.
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Old 09-08-2015, 07:16 PM
 
Location: MA/ME (the way life should not be / the way it should be)
1,267 posts, read 1,117,021 times
Reputation: 726
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
Spying: To watch or observe secretly. The webcam is not a secret. He knows it's there. I've had the thing for a year.

Taco Bell was only significant because it was proof that people were there. The very people he were denying being there. I don't have a right to know that people were inside my house, one of whom I have NO idea who it is and my son having only met once? Why is that ok? Had I known or has he asked, then fine… have a couple guys over. That is not how this played and all you guys can say is "why are you 'spying' on your son??" He totally gaslights and I'm horrible for having looked in the trashcan? At least I know what I heard is correct and that I'm not crazy like he would have me believe.

you said you took his phone, reviewed internet history, and dug through the trash. All of this without his prior knoladge, this is spying. Things like that on a national scale could be taken as a war declaration. Yes you heard that WAR DECLARATION.

basically in short, any threads of trust he had in you is now gone, and at the age of 16, probally will not be made up, maybe even ever.
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Old 09-08-2015, 08:04 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
13,406 posts, read 12,274,294 times
Reputation: 23051
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
Let's be honest here. If you had stayed home and not left to go somewhere overnight, there wouldn't have been any stress in the first place. So this is all on you.

Do not blame your son for being a teenager while you are out acting like one.
This entire situation was 100% preventable just by a parent being a parent. This was 100% the parent's fault.
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Old 09-08-2015, 08:10 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in America
13,406 posts, read 12,274,294 times
Reputation: 23051
Quote:
Originally Posted by wolfhelm View Post
you said you took his phone, reviewed internet history, and dug through the trash. All of this without his prior knoladge, this is spying. Things like that on a national scale could be taken as a war declaration. Yes you heard that WAR DECLARATION.

basically in short, any threads of trust he had in you is now gone, and at the age of 16, probally will not be made up, maybe even ever.
When I was a teenager, my mother would go through my closet and drawers and count how many pairs of underwear, socks, bras, shoes, etc. I had. She would then complain to my grandmother about why I had so many clothes. I worked 30 hours a week in high school and full time over the summer. My parents refused to buy me school supplies and new clothes for school once I started working when I was 16. They didn't do any of this to my brother or sister. To this day - 20+ years later, I still do NOT trust my mother. I don't even like her being in my house. I know she's snooping through everything she can find. And she wonders why I refuse to let her live with me......and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
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Old 09-08-2015, 08:15 PM
 
16,902 posts, read 19,663,898 times
Reputation: 16940
Quote:
Originally Posted by cindersslipper View Post
I think that parents need to be aware of the LEGAL CONSEQUENCES of what their child does while they are out doing *whatever*.

At 18 a child is Legally an Adult.

The LAW is there to clearly define what a Child is, for parents who think kids are just fine alone.

They are not....as OP has told us...!
Very few states have laws about leaving children home alone. There are guidelines, but no legal consequences.

When Can You Leave a Child Home Alone? - FindLaw

Quote:
Only a couple of states have laws that specify the age when a child can be left home alone, including Maryland (age 8) and Illinois (age 14). However, most states have guidelines with the Department of Health and Human Services or other child protective agencies that test a child's ability to be left home alone. Factors may include the child's age and maturity, the overall safety of the surrounding area/circumstances, and arrangements made to secure the child's safety.
Guidelines for teenagers.

Quote:
13 to 15 years - May be left unsupervised, but not overnight.

16 to 17 years - May be left unsupervised (in some cases, for up to two consecutive overnight periods).
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Old 09-08-2015, 09:18 PM
 
51 posts, read 50,818 times
Reputation: 46
I'm just kinda going to address everyones posts without quoting individual ones because there are too many. First off, you guys keep using the word spying. I rarely look at my webcam when he is home. Sometimes it will alert me that there is activity, say when he's getting home from school or work, and I might look then… I see he is in safe and I feel at ease. He's home.

The rest of the time I look to check on my home or dog. I will be alerted when there is motion or sound and I am very thankful I have the ability to pull up a recording (whether that be 10 seconds prior to hours prior). Contrary to what some of you believe, I do want this camera for security purposes. Not having recording ability shows me nothing unless I am watching it in real time, which rarely happens. If somebody breaks into my house, I have them on recording.. otherwise I have nothing. So you guys can go on and say that I am a horrible, spying mother, that's fine. And someone said less cams….? I have 1 camera in the front room that points toward the front door. I hardly think that's an invasion of privacy.

And speaking of that, I don't owe him the "privacy" of being here alone. What if I were a stay at home mom - would I then be at fault for always being in his hair? He has plenty of time here alone, and contrary to what you guys have said, I do trust him enough to leave him but I do worry sometimes because I'm a mom and a bit of a worry-wart. That's just my nature. I don't forever fault him for having smoked pot here.. I don't think he plans to make a habit out of that and I know teenagers experiment. I'm not new to raising children - he has an older brother in his twenties and he is a very level-headed, working, mature (mostly), responsible adult. My boys are very DIFFERENT though.. such different personalities and each has presented different challenges in their teen years.

The Taco Bell…. man have you guys run wild with that. "OMG, call 911, he had some friends over and ate Taco Bell!!" Ok so to those of you who think I am making some big deal about him having had it… wow. No I really don't care what he eats when I am gone (INCLUDING Taco Bell, can you believe that??). It was only because this fast food bag of suddenly appeared when it was not there before, thus one of the reasons I knew he'd lied about having guests over. That's it. It was not about the Taco Bell, it was about the lie.

I think where I stepped over the line was with how concerned I became. I can admit that. I was going to get the truth no matter what - I wasn't going to let him get away with lying. That is how I felt. One of you mentioned they thought something triggered me. Well after much contemplation on the topic I can say you are probably correct - my ex used to do this very same thing. He would lie and we both knew it but he would spin it as if I was crazy for thinking such a thing. After enough of this I started to feel crazy. We had been in therapy and the counselor basically told him that he needed to find a individual therapist to work with him one on one because he could not help him with his narcissism. So yeah, the way my son tried to spin it as if he was clueless about what I'd heard… it kinda set me off. I know kids will lie, this just stung a little more. So to whoever said it's my fault 100%, I'm the parent… you're right. I left him home alone. I should know better. Had I not left him, none of this would have happened. I bet though that he wouldn't like it any better if he knew I was due to be somewhere I yet didn't go because of him. He would definitely feel that I didn't trust him and I can't imagine that going over well.
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Old 09-09-2015, 05:13 AM
 
6,684 posts, read 7,155,833 times
Reputation: 10260
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah View Post
First, I agree. You need some help. You don't leave a 16 year old alone OVERNIGHT. Not a good idea. The "I have a spy camera" excuse doesn't work. I could share some tales of what I did when I was that age and left alone overnight, or even for a few hours at friends' houses.

And good gosh--Taco Bell with a cousin and cousin's friend. That's nothing. I can honestly say I never looked in the trash for evidence of bad behavior from my kids.

All of that said, he should have asked you first.

BTW--entitled, narcissistic, etc=16 most of the time.

Get a security system if you are worried about the house. It's faster than web cam notifications on your phone.
He shouldn't be staying home alone if you can't trust him, and you can't trust a 16 year old. You just can't. Their brains are not fully developed and they are usually sneaky.

Why does it matter that he knows you don't trust him to stay overnight by himself? I don't know one parent that does that with a sixteen year old.

Address the lying for what it is, and let the rest go. Lying should never be tolerated.
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Old 09-09-2015, 07:03 AM
 
8,930 posts, read 4,338,494 times
Reputation: 12497
Either trust him or never leave him alone at home. He sounds like a normal kid to me...
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Old 09-10-2015, 05:15 AM
 
Location: Durham, NC
25,227 posts, read 36,234,690 times
Reputation: 35887
My mother though it was cool to invade my privacy by going through my room, do surveillance whenever she felt like it, and show every bit of resistance when I wanted to do anything that wasn't in her line of sight. Fast forward to several years after turning 18, I don't trust her at all since she showed so much distrust towards me. I lie to her all the time about my plans since she still feels it is ok to give me a 3rd degree like I'm a teenager instead of someone who is out of her house and paying rent elsewhere.

Oh, did you see that thread about the 22 year old son not wanting to hug his mama? Yes, I'm like that 22 year old son. I'm going to be very reluctant to give that kind of affection to someone I don't trust at the end of the day.
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Old 09-10-2015, 01:57 PM
 
10,194 posts, read 8,035,602 times
Reputation: 24056
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hummingbyrd View Post
I'm just kinda going to address everyones posts without quoting individual ones because there are too many. First off, you guys keep using the word spying. I rarely look at my webcam when he is home. Sometimes it will alert me that there is activity, say when he's getting home from school or work, and I might look then… I see he is in safe and I feel at ease. He's home.

The rest of the time I look to check on my home or dog. I will be alerted when there is motion or sound and I am very thankful I have the ability to pull up a recording (whether that be 10 seconds prior to hours prior). Contrary to what some of you believe, I do want this camera for security purposes. Not having recording ability shows me nothing unless I am watching it in real time, which rarely happens. If somebody breaks into my house, I have them on recording.. otherwise I have nothing. So you guys can go on and say that I am a horrible, spying mother, that's fine. And someone said less cams….? I have 1 camera in the front room that points toward the front door. I hardly think that's an invasion of privacy.

And speaking of that, I don't owe him the "privacy" of being here alone. What if I were a stay at home mom - would I then be at fault for always being in his hair? He has plenty of time here alone, and contrary to what you guys have said, I do trust him enough to leave him but I do worry sometimes because I'm a mom and a bit of a worry-wart. That's just my nature. I don't forever fault him for having smoked pot here.. I don't think he plans to make a habit out of that and I know teenagers experiment. I'm not new to raising children - he has an older brother in his twenties and he is a very level-headed, working, mature (mostly), responsible adult. My boys are very DIFFERENT though.. such different personalities and each has presented different challenges in their teen years.

The Taco Bell…. man have you guys run wild with that. "OMG, call 911, he had some friends over and ate Taco Bell!!" Ok so to those of you who think I am making some big deal about him having had it… wow. No I really don't care what he eats when I am gone (INCLUDING Taco Bell, can you believe that??). It was only because this fast food bag of suddenly appeared when it was not there before, thus one of the reasons I knew he'd lied about having guests over. That's it. It was not about the Taco Bell, it was about the lie.

I think where I stepped over the line was with how concerned I became. I can admit that. I was going to get the truth no matter what - I wasn't going to let him get away with lying. That is how I felt. One of you mentioned they thought something triggered me. Well after much contemplation on the topic I can say you are probably correct - my ex used to do this very same thing. He would lie and we both knew it but he would spin it as if I was crazy for thinking such a thing. After enough of this I started to feel crazy. We had been in therapy and the counselor basically told him that he needed to find a individual therapist to work with him one on one because he could not help him with his narcissism. So yeah, the way my son tried to spin it as if he was clueless about what I'd heard… it kinda set me off. I know kids will lie, this just stung a little more. So to whoever said it's my fault 100%, I'm the parent… you're right. I left him home alone. I should know better. Had I not left him, none of this would have happened. I bet though that he wouldn't like it any better if he knew I was due to be somewhere I yet didn't go because of him. He would definitely feel that I didn't trust him and I can't imagine that going over well.
I think seeing this can actually be a good starting point for growth in the family. Are you in therapy now? I would worry that your being triggered could paint your son with the same brush as his dad. Separating them into their own person could be difficult...at least when (pretty normal) teenage lying happens. I heard a lot "you are just like your father!" when my mom was triggered. Its damaging.

Anyways, best of luck. I hope you and your son have been able to talk about everything. I know that some time and space is sometimes needed when emotions run high.
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